I hate driving with my husband

[jennmd 1]

I don't really want to drive with David anymore. I've said it before but I mean it more this time. I give up for real.

He is so inconsistent in his instructions, confusing, and then gets mad if I don't comply or if not right away. We are always arguing and fighting when I'm driving. He wouldn't even listen to my explanations of why I did that or doing this (sometimes because it was how I was taught or how the tester told me I should or shouldn't do). He thinks that I'm always just making excuses, not understanding that the why and how is more important than the what in the learning process. Grrr! I explain how I came up with that conclusion or action so he'd understand and explain to me which part of my process was wrong or where it went wrong! Not to be yelled at just to follow orders without knowing why! I am not a soldier and I am a learner so I need explanations. Grrr!

I learned how to drive from a professional driving school and I was driving well and confidently, but that was before I drove with him just before I decided to get my learner's permit to prepare to get a driver's license here in the US.

He also makes me impatient and insecure in my driving, so I will never pass if I'm confused, insecure, and impatient (because I still hear him in my head telling me to go and faster). Even if I generally drive good when I'm calm and more confident, he always stresses me out right before the test, making me very insecure and impatient and confused again. I already failed two driving tests because of one auto-fail from being impatient or indecisive. And now, I just cancelled my driving test for 1:30 PM and went home instead because we had a big fight again and I just gave up.

What frustrated me more is it's difficult to prove to him that he is inconsistent, because he doesn't admit to it or he doesn't remember his previous statements. It's so unlike before when we were still chatting because all I had to do was pull up our chat transcript to prove him wrong... several times.

I'm so frustrated and hurt, and I don't mind much being yelled at, but I hate being told that I'm lying about something when I'm sure that I'm not. :-((

Sorry... Just venting! It's also a lesson for others not to let your spouses teach you how to drive. I should have learned that from the others and refused to do it even if I had to spend more.

:-(

Kezia

_________________

Hi.. Just be patient, your husband just care for you.. just do your best and you will know later when you know how to drive alone you will appreciate why he did that. It's true driving with your husband is crazy. Have your friends teach you sometimes and have them take you to the driving test. You will get through it. Good luck..

[rlogan 2,036]

Haha! Pro Tip #1: Do not teach wife to drive while on starvation diet.

Pro Tip #2: When taking the driving test, tell the instructor what you are doing: "I'm stopping before the sign, looking right, looking left, etc..." So they can't accuse you of forgetting.

Pro Tip #3: Now that you have done the right thing saying you react too slow to David's instructions: tell him you understand why that frustrates him. Instead of laying down the bill of indictment for his crimes of inconsistent instruction. You are in a car that can kill you or other people - especially at highway speeds. This is a team effort to stay alive and not kill anyone else.

Flunking the driving test twice, geez. That record unfortunately weighs very heavily against you being a good driver. Kind of a no-brainer there, Kezia. I'm pretty certain you don't repeat your husband's instructions back to him. If you did just that much it would eliminate a lot of stress.

[aaydrian 479]

Neven learn driving with husband. Go to professional driving instructor. My husband tried to teach me but we always ended up fighting. I joined professional driving school and passed my test in 1st attempt.

There are certain things you never do with family, friends and coworkers when it comes to cars: having them teach you to drive and buying each other's cars. It can get downright nasty and because you will either have to see each other by nightfall, the next day or by the end of the week so it's pretty much impossible to leave the 'problem at the door'.

[David & Kezia 25]

Haha! Pro Tip #1: Do not teach wife to drive while on starvation diet.

Pro Tip #2: When taking the driving test, tell the instructor what you are doing: "I'm stopping before the sign, looking right, looking left, etc..." So they can't accuse you of forgetting.

Pro Tip #3: Now that you have done the right thing saying you react too slow to David's instructions: tell him you understand why that frustrates him. Instead of laying down the bill of indictment for his crimes of inconsistent instruction. You are in a car that can kill you or other people - especially at highway speeds. This is a team effort to stay alive and not kill anyone else.

Flunking the driving test twice, geez. That record unfortunately weighs very heavily against you being a good driver. Kind of a no-brainer there, Kezia. I'm pretty certain you don't repeat your husband's instructions back to him. If you did just that much it would eliminate a lot of stress.

Hahaha! You make me smile, Robert. Yup, his being on a diet may have contributed to it, but if you've read my other post about his stress levels at lines, I think it's more of that that's making him so impatient.

As for highway speeds, I'm good with that and I'm not really slow. He even allowed me to drive for 3 hours on the way to California last month, and he trusted me and praised me for being alert and being able to see the possible dangers ahead and around me, including a fast car changing lanes using the right lane about 3 cars behind me. I was also great with changing lanes and with thinking & acting ahead to avoid or prevent those possible dangers (just like the car backing up from the driveway with my first tester). He was nervous at first while we were still getting out of Las Vegas, but when he saw that I was doing well despite all the other speeding cars and many trucks, he started to relax and had more praises for my driving (while I get almost nothing but criticism when we are on city streets).

It's mostly on city streets especially on turning corners that he gets really agitated with my driving. To him, I take too long to turn and I don't accelerate from a stop fast enough for him, or I slowed down too much while turning (to have better control). Unconsciously, he is always thinking of other people behind me who are getting impatient or mad for my being "too slow", because that is how he is with other cars who take too long to turn.

That's what frustrated and confuses me, because when I'm with him, I'm always "too slow" or "too indecisive" with turning, but when I'm with other people like all the three testers, they think that I am too anxious or impatient and should wait more. BTW, in all 3 tests, directly and indirectly, it's that "impatience" that ultimately lead to my bad move and auto-fail. (Thank you BTW for the verbalizing tip.)

That's why that big fight erupted a couple of days ago, because we went back to that same small roundabout in that residential area where I tried to get in the roundabout while there was still a car in there. When we got there, it was the same situation and there was a car who entered the opposite exit just as I was about to enter from across the roundabout. I stopped and told him that it was exactly what happened except that last time I got into the small roundabout because I thought that it was big enough for both of us and I also had enough time between him and me for me to be able to get ahead of him. He wouldn't listen to I was saying and wanted me to get into the small roundabout because just like before I had enough time to get ahead of the other car. What he actually said was that he doesn't care what the tester said because this time he was the instructor and was therefore the "God" in the car. I kept on arguing with him becuase that's precisely why I get confused, because he always makes me want to GO, but the testers want me to be more careful. I also got very frustrated then and wouldn't stop arguing because he wasn't listening to my point.

As a student, I need consistency, and I especially need to learn and do more what is legally expected of me, or at least what the DMV testers expect of me, because in order for me to pass the test, in the bottom-line, they are the "Gods", not my husband. After I get my license, then maybe I could start driving as crazy as he does.

Anyway, after he calmed down enough (the next day), and after several text exchanges (because I wouldn't talk to him coz he doesn't listen anyway), he finally absorbed what I've been trying to tell him, AND realized that it may be another issue related to his stress/impatience with "lines". He has already improved a lot with the checkout lines, although he would still slip every now and then until I remind him about it, but I'm not so sure if it would be as easy for him to be in control of his own stress/impatience when it comes to driving.

It doesn't matter who is driving (me, him, a friend or a stranger), he always gets impatient with what he considers slow drivers or bad drivers. The main difference with me is he can yell at me, while he can only make gestures at other cars, and he can only whisper his comments to me when it's our friends driving with us. Luckily for me, despite his impatience and crazy driving (which he calls aggressive-defensive driving, and I agree that he's both), he is a very good driver with very fast reflexes and also always aware of possible dangers around us, or I'd always be scared of his crazy moves. I trust him enough that when we once had a problem with out tire and we ended up skidding almost out of control in the freeway, I just braced myself and didn't scream nor get scared. I wish that someday I'd have the same skills that he has that helped us out of that very bad situation which could have been a surely deadly accident for a lesser driver. I always remember that incident, that's why I always give enough following space in front of me, and I do my best not to get too close to trucks (not just coz they are big and has poor visibility, but also because rocks come flying around even if they have mudflaps) and other drivers who are showing poor driving skills on the freeway.

My husband is a very good man. He's just got a lot of small issues that we are still trying to fix. He tries a lot, and I try my best to help him out, but when he is in the middle of those annoying/frustrating actions or habits, it really tries my patience. I've always been known for my patience, that's why I'm a good teacher and a good elder sister or cousin, but boy oh boy, marriage really taught me to be more patient and enduring. I'm not just his wife and bestfriend, but I'm also his teacher, mother and shrink. Hehehe! I understand though, and he's got a lot of adjustment to do especially because he has been living alone for a long time and he doesn't really know enough how to be with other people for an extended period of time.

Anyway, thank you everyone for somehow being part of this frustrating experience. It's also a lesson for both of us, and at least now he has accepted that he not only stresses out more than I do (thereby stressing me too) but that he's got the same impatience problem with driving like he has already admitted to checkout lines or any other lines (even a queue on customer service on a phone).

I might or might not reschedule my next driving test next week or maybe the next, but this time without him. I hope that I can find a free time with DMV that will match my friends' schedules soon. For now, I'm stressing out on the results of my bid on a very big project, which BTW he also stressed me out and annoyed me just when I was rushing to submit before the deadline. Geez! When will he ever learn not to show that he is stressed out for me because it will not help me at all but just stress me out too. I guess it could be unavoidable because he cares for me a lot.

:-)

[adiiann 163]

Giving my husband a credit on how I learn to drive. And just the other day, I was driving fast, going to work and he was in the passenger seat, he said he's so impress now on how I drive and he's proud that we don't have to hire anyone to teach me. I said I learned to ignore you too and yelling back "you're not the driver, shut up", makes me confident to drive. Hahaha.

Though we got huge fight, first time I tried to take the driving test because he forgot to put enough gas, so we just went home without taking the test. Then, second time to try to take the test, I failed. So third attemp, I passed the test.

[rlogan 2,036]

If David is an impatient person then sure, he'll be especially volatile in this situation. So go easy on the whiskey and crank, put the .357 magnum in the safety deposit box, and make sure someone else is always with you.

Seriously, the best thing you can do is communicate clearly to each other. It sounds like you are trying.

Sure, every learner wants consistent instruction too. Inconsistent instruction is immediately stressful because now what do you choose. That's why context matters. When you are taking the test you have to take the tester's view, which is obedience to authority. When you got the hot Russian Mafia chick on board you plant the gas pedal on corners.

Edited March 14, 2012 by rlogan

[David & Kezia 25]

If David is an impatient person then sure, he'll be especially volatile in this situation. So go easy on the whiskey and crank, put the .357 magnum in the safety deposit box, and make sure someone else is always with you.

Seriously, the best thing you can do is communicate clearly to each other. It sounds like you are trying.

Sure, every learner wants consistent instruction too. Inconsistent instruction is immediately stressful because now what do you choose. That's why context matters. When you are taking the test you have to take the tester's view, which is obedience to authority. When you got the hot Russian Mafia chick on board you plant the gas pedal on corners.

Hahaha! You really make me smile Robert. That's why we love you here on VJ, because you always makes sense and you also have a good sense of humor.

BTW, I finally got a compatible schedule with my friend, and she took me to the DMV this morning. Like my previous tests, I scored high on my test this morning, but unlike the previous tests, I had no auto-fail mistake. So yes, I passed. It helped a lot that I wasn't stressed out before I went to the test, which is what usually happened on the past test on the drive over, because my husband would make me "practice" for a few hours and we'd be getting into arguments because of the inconsistencies and his always hurrying me up on turns.

The tester made me go to a completely different route, and it wasn't even somewhere I've been before although I am fairly familiar with the neighborhood. He also said that I did very well and would have scored almost perfect (92) if I didn't take too many manuevers on the parallel parking (a 6-point deduction) and if he saw all my headchecks (minus 2 points). I am still amazed that they don't see all my headchecks because I do them twice, although I guess this is just a matter of timing if he was also turning his head the other way, because he did say that he saw most of my headchecks and that I did them twice each except for some that he didn't see. So I guess, I'm fine with that, and I passed anyway. For some reason though, I guess it's because I don't have that much practice with parallel parking anymore or I am just trying too hard to do it right, that I always mess up my parallel parking on the test, even if I did it perfectly several times just a few minutes before that. But again, it doesn't really matter anymore. I can practice all I want later, and I passed already. He also asked why I didn't pass the last ones, as I drove really well, and I had to explain each of my singular mistakes in the past tests that were auto-fails.

Anyway, I didn't feel very elated at passing like I would have normally expected, and I think what I felt was more justified and relieved that it's finally over. Because I had family over, I immediately went to pick them up at their hotel, and I've been driving and walking all over Las Vegas since 10AM and I just arrived home this 11PM. My husband was anxious, but I was happy to report to him that the whole day was uneventful when it came to my driving. I drove better alone or with other people, than I ever drove with him. I was calm, alert and even chatty, and I had almost perfect parks too. There wasn't a single incident of anyone honking their horn at me, even while we were at the busy Las Vegas Blvd and going in and out of it. I told him I was drove about 40 miles of freeway today too, and I did pretty well. Now, my friend and my aunt could report the same thing to him, and I hope that he will be less nervous and worried when I'm driving, so that I will also be less nervous when he is my passenger.

The sad thing with being soulmates is we feel each others' stress and pain, even when we were still over 7,000 miles away. We knew when the other was in pain or stressed out, even if one tried to hide it from the other. It's worse now that we are living together, because he actually gets sick when I'm sick, and vice-versa, even from something as basic as a headache or stomach pain. That's why we really need to work on trying to relax and not to stress each other out, because it's a viscious cycle. I wonder though if this means that he is going to be the one absorbing & feeling my pains and other crazy symptoms when I do get pregnant. Hehehe!

[G0ds1ay3r 30]

Hahaha! You really make me smile Robert. That's why we love you here on VJ, because you always makes sense and you also have a good sense of humor.

BTW, I finally got a compatible schedule with my friend, and she took me to the DMV this morning. Like my previous tests, I scored high on my test this morning, but unlike the previous tests, I had no auto-fail mistake. So yes, I passed. It helped a lot that I wasn't stressed out before I went to the test, which is what usually happened on the past test on the drive over, because my husband would make me "practice" for a few hours and we'd be getting into arguments because of the inconsistencies and his always hurrying me up on turns.

The tester made me go to a completely different route, and it wasn't even somewhere I've been before although I am fairly familiar with the neighborhood. He also said that I did very well and would have scored almost perfect (92) if I didn't take too many manuevers on the parallel parking (a 6-point deduction) and if he saw all my headchecks (minus 2 points). I am still amazed that they don't see all my headchecks because I do them twice, although I guess this is just a matter of timing if he was also turning his head the other way, because he did say that he saw most of my headchecks and that I did them twice each except for some that he didn't see. So I guess, I'm fine with that, and I passed anyway. For some reason though, I guess it's because I don't have that much practice with parallel parking anymore or I am just trying too hard to do it right, that I always mess up my parallel parking on the test, even if I did it perfectly several times just a few minutes before that. But again, it doesn't really matter anymore. I can practice all I want later, and I passed already. He also asked why I didn't pass the last ones, as I drove really well, and I had to explain each of my singular mistakes in the past tests that were auto-fails.

Anyway, I didn't feel very elated at passing like I would have normally expected, and I think what I felt was more justified and relieved that it's finally over. Because I had family over, I immediately went to pick them up at their hotel, and I've been driving and walking all over Las Vegas since 10AM and I just arrived home this 11PM. My husband was anxious, but I was happy to report to him that the whole day was uneventful when it came to my driving. I drove better alone or with other people, than I ever drove with him. I was calm, alert and even chatty, and I had almost perfect parks too. There wasn't a single incident of anyone honking their horn at me, even while we were at the busy Las Vegas Blvd and going in and out of it. I told him I was drove about 40 miles of freeway today too, and I did pretty well. Now, my friend and my aunt could report the same thing to him, and I hope that he will be less nervous and worried when I'm driving, so that I will also be less nervous when he is my passenger.

The sad thing with being soulmates is we feel each others' stress and pain, even when we were still over 7,000 miles away. We knew when the other was in pain or stressed out, even if one tried to hide it from the other. It's worse now that we are living together, because he actually gets sick when I'm sick, and vice-versa, even from something as basic as a headache or stomach pain. That's why we really need to work on trying to relax and not to stress each other out, because it's a viscious cycle. I wonder though if this means that he is going to be the one absorbing & feeling my pains and other crazy symptoms when I do get pregnant. Hehehe!

Congratulations on passing your test :-) I remember passing my drivers test in the States in 2006; what a relief that was.

My wife taught me how to drive when I got to America; I had driven a tiny little bit in New Zealand but didnt really need to drive because there were buses and taxis near by BUT in Reno I needed to drive to work etc.

My wife was a fairly good driving teacher; she got a little testy while I was learning to parallel park but apart from that it was all good.

I hated driving in Las Vegas; we went there in 2008 and I was driving the 2nd half of the trip to Vegas so it was night time; my eyes are pretty bad when it comes to bright lights so arriving at night on the Vegas strip was extremely confusing for me; never again :-(

[rlogan 2,036]

So yes, I passed.

Yay.

Anyway, I didn't feel very elated at passing like I would have normally expected, and I think what I felt was more justified and relieved that it's finally over.

Same here.

it's a viscious cycle.

Validating each other's feelings instead of fighting usually does the trick.

Oh well, it's over now.

[sweet angel 5]

Congratulations for passing your test.

My husband taught me how to drive as well. But husband as my teacher was very stressful and caused me a lot of heartaches. We ended up always fighting, yelling, and crying (me ) the entire learning process. I even told him that if he continue to be my teacher, we ended up getting a divorce paper. But anyways, the drama continues (hubby was still my teacher, thanks to my unlimited patience )until i got my driver's license on my third try. Yes, I also failed twice for the same reason that my turn was wrong because I'm too impatient to wait for the incoming traffic before i take my turn.

Now that I had my DL, I'm thankful to my husband that despite all the arguements we had,his temper motivates me to learned the driving process fast and easy.