I hate driving with my husband

[Messybrownhair 251]

My hubby taught me how to drive. Even though I've driven in the Philippines before as well, I just kept quiet and let him teach me as if I was learning for the first time. He was very patient with me, and I was patient with him. Everything was fine, until we started practicing parallel parking (something I never did in the Philippines) and I got so frustrated that I cried, and he just kept saying "You can do this. Try again." and I did, once, twice, until I must have done it 20 different times. I passed my test the first time. Also, he only started teaching me 3 days before so that it won't be too stressful. It worked for us! I know it's really frustrating and annoying, but be patient with yourself and with him. He is only trying to help you even though it comes across as nagging. I know when I passed I just gave my hubby a big hug and told him that he is no longer allowed to comment on my driving now that I have my license. And he hasn't, except to say that I have gotten better! lol. Goodluck and don't give up! You survived AOS, you can survive the DMV!

[Justine+David 218]

Teaching David (the foreigner) how to drive was horrendous. It really stressed me out to the max and I would end up yelling at him and getting really angry when he would question all my directions on how to drive and his inability to focus on multiple things (like keeping your speed up while changing lanes).

For a long time whenever we were both together, only I drove, because we couldn't take it.

I echo everyone else to get someone else to teach you how to drive. More than that, you should really practice the driver route that you do on the test--if you know the roads very well, there is less of a chance of making a mistake.

Did I overreact a little? I admit that I probably did. But it's a far different thing to recognize that your spouse could wreck your only car and cause thousands in damage, not to mention what they could do to other people. That kind of responsibility was pretty heavy.

[David & Kezia 25]

Hi,

learning to drive is tough for anyone.

I have a few suggestions, from my own experiences, I hope they help!

1) Can your hubby go to driving lessons with you? Then he might be able to see what the teachers , teach and what they expect. He might then be able to teach you better.

2) I also asked my parents (they taught me how to drive) to let me drive around during our "lesson" and give me feedback afterwards, or to ask me to pullover to give me feedback if they felt they really needed to correct something I did straight away. Asking your teacher to save feedback and critisms to the end of the lesson made me feel more confident but also gave my parents (my teachers) perspective and time to think about how to react / respond to my driving so they weren't just yelling at me while I was driving which would have made me super nervous and scared.

3) When I first learned to drive, I would wait and stop for quite a while, until I felt safe to go or go faster. Try to explain you your hubby you are driving the way that feels right for you so as not to endanger him, yourself or other drivers.

4) Try to remain calm, do not get angry with your hubby when he is yelling at you, he is stressed, just as you are! Ask him not to get angry at you. Tell him you want to learn to do this just as he wants you to learn to do it too.

5) Give each other some incentives; when I learned to drive my Father knew he had a temper. When we went for a lesson and he successfully didn't lose his cool and yell and I did well we would treat ourselves to icecream or a dinner. These times after the lesson also gave us time to reflect on both of our performances and give feedback in a laidback setting.

** If all else fails ask your hubby to pay for lessons and tell him you feel it is better for your relationship if you do this on your own because you do not want to stress him out and you are sure he doesn't want you to be stressed or to keep failing. **

Thanks!

1. I already suggested that.

2. We already did that, and he did it once, but he kept on forgetting to keep his mouth shut and his reactions to himself. I know that I sometimes scare him, but I also get scared of his reactions. :-P

3. I already explained that, but he just can't help himself.

4. I am the calm one. I don't like yelling at people when they are also yelling. It's not productive at all, because you both end up yelling and no one is listening or hearing what the other is saying, especially not him. If I'm really frustrated, I first try to argue with a slightly raised agitated voice, but when he is not listening, I shut up and let him continue his tirade (more like a tantrum sometimes with his voice to the top of his lungs, saliva flying around, red face, and banging on the headboard, and sometimes banging the door when he finally gets out and walk away to cool down). Shutting up makes his temper flare-up shorter and with less dangerous effects. Besides, he wants me to shut up and listen, because he thinks that I'm not listening. Yesterday afternoon and until this morning, I haven't been speaking, just texting. Texting is better because just like chatting, everything is on record and if he contests something, I'll just show it to him to his face, and he can't deny anything anymore. I wouldn't do it for a long time, just to give him a lesson in communication.

5. We always have incentives. He's on a juicing diet right now, but I let him eat whatever he wants when he's good, but lately it's been bad. Last night, he was trying to bribe me with food, more like using me as an excuse to get some fastfood, but I didn't cave in. Nice try. Everytime we have food, he eats 80% of it before I am done with whatever is left for me, even if it was supposedly bought for me. Hehehe! :-P I learned to hide food from him, so he can stick to his diet.

hm, first ask him not to yell! inside voices

second, ask him to write down everything he thinks that you need to improve (while you're driving he can make a list). That way you can discuss after the drive is over, and there is something to reference later on (to check for improvement or settle disputes).

I'm helping my husband get reacquainted with the road. I refuse to let myself yell or criticize him for going to slow (trust me, it's not easy!). Once he's comfortable, then we can work out the nuances of driving etiquette, etc.

Doesn't sound like you need driving lessons, sounds like he needs riding lessons

Darn right! especially to the last statement. Hehehe!

[David & Kezia 25]

Ohhhh...So your marriage... came with a scorecard?

No scorecard, but it just helped when he would deny something he said or wrote, and I would just show it to him and then he'd shut up. And the chats were before we got married, although we'd still send each other emails now even if we live in the same house and see each other almost every hour of the day.

Hey hey! Watch where you point that generalization. A generalization is a dangerous weapon.

I taught my wife how to drive and never yelled at her. Not even 1 time. (but) I did shreik (once) when I thought she was about to straddle a curb and pin the car on top of a median.

Let's read on...I think this laundry basket might be a jumbo load.

Sorry for the generalization. If you search the forums for this topic, of spouses teaching each other, you will see a lot of experiences and maybe 90% of the people will agree that it's a bad idea, and from their own experiences. My offline friends here told me the same thing.

As for shreiking, my David doesn't do that, although he did something almost similar when he thought that I'd almost bump the back of a car in a parking lot where I was backing up and making a turn. I just shushed him to relax, that I had plenty of space (for a Filipino at least), although Americans are very conscious about your personal space that you give each other wide berth even in supermarkets.

[David & Kezia 25]

I think I am starting to HATE HER TOO!! I really really hate her for expecting people to drive safely!!...I hate her for not passing unsafe drivers!! I hate her for not passing you even after you politely explained why you followed the car in front of you without stopping. I mean for goodness sakes...accidents are logical!!

Because it's a mad mad mad conspiracy!! The testers have conspired against you!! I would be surprised if David isn't behind it. Pulling the strings like an evil DMV puppet master.

Haven't I just wrote that I knew (and accepted) what I did wrong with the last two testers? actually I knew immediately after I did it, and sometimes before they even said something. I know how to accept mistakes and criticism, and I even solicit them when not freely given, and everyone else who taught me knows that, even David accepts that, after he is calmed down. I have always been a good learner.

As for the first tester, she really just wasn't paying attention so either she didn't see me stop for several seconds before the pedestrian lane (which BTW is the legal place to stop) while waiting for the other car blocking two traffics (one lane going forward or right where I was, and the right most lane of the perpendicular traffic where we were both turning), or she really wanted me to stop again at the very end after the pedestrian lane (which is a safer way to stop and look if you don't have good visibility) even if I had complete visibility all around me (no car beside me) and no cars coming from the left from the perpendicular traffic who could go into that lane that I was turning into.

I also knew that she wasn't paying attention earlier before that either, because she shrieked when a car pulled out of the driveway almost right in front of us and would have hit us if I wasn't stopped about a car length away beside his driveway. I knew that he was pulling out and wasn't looking, so I slowed down and prepared to stop just in case he would suddenly pull out, which he did, but that woman wasn't paying attention so she was surprised and mad. She even wanted me to honk my horns really hard, which she even said is what she would have done and she usually does. I just smiled and calmly told her that there was no need for that because it might just make the other driver mad (which happens too often here and ends up with people shouting each other and with rude gesturing, and sometimes other deadly forms of road rage), or surprise him into having a more dangerous reaction by slamming into his gas pedal (which was the one he was on at that moment) instead of his breaks. For all I know, he was another beginner driver. Besides, he already saw us as soon as he pulled out. In the Philippines, people use their horns all the time, but softly, just to remind people (mostly pedestrians) that they are there, and people are used to it, although sometimes the horn blowing and the road rage could also get out of hand. From what I observed here in the US, and she even agreed with me, people get mad easily when someone blows their horns at them.

And again, sorry for the typos or extra or missing words on my previous messages, as they were from my phone.

[David & Kezia 25]

If he's yelling something like "OMG! You're going to hit that tree!!" then it's fine. Other than that, don't get used to it. Even if you don't mind right now, if he gets used to yelling at you all the time, it will eventually escalate into more complex issues.

Also, by what you said, you're a good driver already. Go practice with a friend for a while, then go take the driving test with said friend or by yourself. Once you pass, share the good news with the husband.

Hahaha! Nothing serious like that. Again, the closest we've come to some accident was when I was pulling out into traffic ahead of someone and he thought that I didn't see them.

There was another incident that was almost the similar, and I admit that I miscalculated a little, but there wouldn't have been any accident. What happened that time was I was in the middle lane, and there was two cars beside me on the right lane, and I wanted to go into that lane. When the one beside me put in a right turn signal in, slowed down and they both appeared to turn into the driveway, I sped up and took the chance to get to their lane, because there were no cars ahead of them and even as I was looking into my side mirror while I was during the change lanes (which I do not just before but during too), the one car was almost on a rolling stop while it was turning into the driveway. My mistake was thinking that the car who was almost bumper to bumper behind him was also turning, because he thought that I cut him off, even if I already speed up and way ahead before the car in front of him got out of his way after his turn. He was mad, and after we did the next right turn and he finally caught up with us, he slammed on his accelerator and roared right beside me while I was turning into our apartment driveway. That's just an example of how sensitive and temperamental drivers here could be.

I've actually been planning to go to the test with my friend, but he keeps volunteering himself, and it's also been tough to get a common free time with my friend lately. Now, (or at least for now), he is more agreeable to having someone else take me, so we don't stress each other out.

[David & Kezia 25]

Please pass this note to your husband.

What you don't want, is your wife, or anyone, driving faster than they feel they can make decisions about what happens next. Are slow drivers frustrating? Yes. You're an adult, get over it. You will be much happier with a safe wife who doesn't cost you money in fines, or accidents, divorce fees, because YOU like to drive faster. Ps, I like to drive fast, I hated being with my wife driving, my annoyance made her more self-conscious, which led to her messing up more. We are no longer married. That wasn't the reason, but it didn't help.So let her learn with someone else. And when you're together, you drive, then it's not an issue. Everyone wins.

Thanks for the advice. I actually already told him the same thing, except for the divorce part. No one is divorcing anyone in this marriage, so everyone please quit suggesting that. Arguments and some quarrels here and there are a healthy part of every relationship, not just marriages. It is how we handle them that makes us get to know each other better and makes us stronger. We are still crazy in love with each other and will stay that way. We are soulmates who literally waited a long time to find each other.

I'm sorry for what happened to you and your ex-wife, but I don't believe that it will happen to us. We are both still adjusting, and we have already went a long way since we first got to know each other... which seems much longer (maybe 10x longer) than we actually have been.

[Ippsy Pippsy 31]

Anybody trying to teach someone to drive "American-style" had better re-read their DMV manual first! There are lots of things that people do that aren't legal.

One reason to have a pro teach you how to drive: they'll have the special car that lets them hit the brakes if needed. Hitting an emergency brake sounds like a great way to skid off the road.

And driving during rush hour is a skill that you shouldn't be expected to work on until you can drive normally.

Also: you might be used to driving close to other cars, but keep in mind that still means that if you have to stop suddenly you will crash! Either into the car that ran into a car in front of you, or the car right behind you will crash into you! I say that having just been in a car was just behind someone who crash into a stopped car on a bridge. If the driver hadn't had more stopping room in front of us, we would have made it a 3-car-pileup!

[David & Kezia 25]

First of all, let's not generalized. My husband taught me how to drive in the US and it worked for us. He was extremely patient and understanding, and I was a good listener and accepted his corrections even though I did not agree with them sometimes (we talked about it after each lesson, not during the lesson), I trusted him and he trusted me. I passed my test in the first try because I felt confident and at the same time my husband made me feel confident. The instructor told me after the test that he wouldn't have known that I started learning few months ago, I took that as a compliment.

Nowadays, I have a job that requires a lot of driving and I consider myself to be a good driver. I gained more confident afterwards driving by myself but at the beginning I needed my husband to show me the way. It is funny because usually I am the one who drives when we go out. From time to time I still ask him what to do in certain situation when driving and when he drives he might ask sometimes: "is your side clear?" to confirm when crossing an intersection. We are a team, it is just the way we operate and it has worked for us.

To teach and to learn how to drive requires a lot of patient and confident at the same time. You don't want to be in a rush, angry or indecisive because not only your life can be at risk but other people's.

For what I read, I would suggest what others have suggested, talk to husband, go to a driving school, practice with someone that makes you feel comfortable, and get your DL. Hopefully, you and him can make it work. Remember that what matters at the end is that you are both happy!

Thanks!

You are a very lucky girl.

We are usually a very good team at everything else. However, somehow, there's just something in him that makes him very impatient and stress out with other people driving (because he would be making almost the same comments later when we are passengers in my other friends' cars, or if we are in a convoy with other cars). He also gets very impatient and temperamental at check-out counters. We've also had a bad fight over that, because he used to be very impatient at lines and really used to treat me like a slow and stupid kid at a checkout counter. I knew I was slow, but I was still learning the self-check-out, and I would always forget to pull out my card ahead of time so that I could have it ready. We already talked about that and his apparent disrespect of me when he is acting out that way. He finally realized that he has always had problems with lines and he gets stressed out, all the time, whether it be a check-out line, a line for the doctors' office, or in the streets with cars. He has learned to be patient on the previous ones, but he still forgets on the latter. He doesn't like to be inconvenienced and delayed, but he hates it more when he is the cause of the delay so he gets really really stressed out and used to always rush through the check-out counters and such.

And to all the others who still think that I'm a "blame everyone but me" girl, read again closely, and see just how many faults I have admitted. I'm no conspiracy theorist, although I do have some conspiracy theories that I believe it ;-) but that is another topic. Anyway, just because some other girls you know are like that, doesn't mean that every girl or every person is. Don't judge me yet, and read more and closely. I am here to vent out, ask for some feedback/advice, or at least some more examples to see that I'm not the only one with the same problem, because yes, I also want to feel better (knowing that I'm not alone in this kind of frustrating experience) and I also want some sympathy.

[tokyobelle 2]

hubby did that to me too when I was first learning how to drive with him. but i understood, although it was frustrating at first. i told him i don't react positively to shouting. he said sorry and explained that it was just scary at first. since he is not in control of the situation, the initial reaction is to shout and tell you what to do. plus sometimes i think i have better judgment when he's actually right lol. i still took driving lessons with a professional driving school, but even though they teach you how to drive right, i find them more nitpicky than my husband lol. i just learned to keep quiet and not explain myself because it would seem like you are making excuses. it doesn't matter if you think you are right. i limit my answers to yes or no and when i get frustrated, i keep it to myself...because it really affects your confidence in driving.

[David & Kezia 25]

I want to add that driving too slow is also very hazardous. Especially if you merge into traffic and are going much slower than the rest, the other cards can rearend you. The safest speed to drive is the speed of traffic. I was driving 70 down a highway (as was everyone else) and someone turned on to the road in front of me, waaayyyyyy down the way. I should have never even got near them. But, then they drove at about 10 mph. I came up on them extremely fast and had to slam on my brakes. If I had been even slightly less alert I would have hit them and it would have been a pile up.

Driving school. Driving is about confidence and quick decisions. Too fast or too slow is bad driving.

I agree with you. When I first got here, I was always commenting how everyone is always driving over the speed limit... sometimes 20-30mph over speed limit. Just a few weeks ago, we were in a highway on the way to California, and I was already driving 80mph in the middle lane of what was supposed to be a 75 zone (I think), but people were still zooming beside me on the fast lane like there were doing 90mph or 100mph. Crazy! Whenever we see cars driving in the speed limit, we immediately know that there is a cop ahead. Hehehe!

I don't really drive slow, but yes, driving slow especially in a freeway could really cause accidents. We both avoid those kind of cars, and my husband drives even more crazy in trying to avoid what he thinks are bad drivers.

What he criticizes me for being slow in, is in reacting to his commands to change lane here, turn there, making a right turn here, etc. He thinks that I freeze up sometimes. I agree with that, but not to the extent that he thinks. I just don't accelerate as fast as he likes me to, and when he says to GO or STOP, my feet is actually already on the accelerator or the break, but he just doesn't feel it right away because I don't slam on them. I did that several times when I had to, but it felt out of control and just scared me, so I try to have controlled breaks and accelerations, until I can do them like he does. I also don't always merge into traffic at right turns or change lanes when he tells me too, because I know just how fast or how slow I can do that so I know when I don't have enough time to do it, so he thinks that I am always hesitating, which to a point he is right about. The fast reaction time comes with practice and experience, so for now, I am following the correct following distances and sometimes even more if it's a truck or some car with a guy on his phone not paying attention.

[David & Kezia 25]

Oh, and on the test. Sorry but being second in line does not count for making the stop. Even if you were that close to the intersection. I agree most drivers in practice will do exactly as you did but during a test, no.

It might be what the tester thought too. The other testers agreed with me though that the legal stop is always behind the pedestrian lane, just before that white line. They also told me that you are not required to stop again at the other end and on top of the pedestrian lane, as long as you have full visibility. I did the legal stop, and I had full visibility on all sides. I just did not move forward and stop again, although I did a slow roll after a few seconds (which might what she thought as another rolling stop), before I was fully confident that I could really go ahead and go faster. I'm always slow at accelerating from a stop, and I deliberately do that on turns like that because I like having enough time to double and triple check before I go roaring into the next street.

I may accept that stop or no stop was a misunderstanding because of my slow acceleration, but his other lies about me turning my head are acceptable. Almost everyone who drove with me would comment that I look too much or that I don't have to turn my head twice, but she did not notice or just plainly lied about it because I dared to explain myself to contradict her statement.

[David & Kezia 25]

My hubby taught me how to drive. Even though I've driven in the Philippines before as well, I just kept quiet and let him teach me as if I was learning for the first time. He was very patient with me, and I was patient with him. Everything was fine, until we started practicing parallel parking (something I never did in the Philippines) and I got so frustrated that I cried, and he just kept saying "You can do this. Try again." and I did, once, twice, until I must have done it 20 different times. I passed my test the first time. Also, he only started teaching me 3 days before so that it won't be too stressful. It worked for us! I know it's really frustrating and annoying, but be patient with yourself and with him. He is only trying to help you even though it comes across as nagging. I know when I passed I just gave my hubby a big hug and told him that he is no longer allowed to comment on my driving now that I have my license. And he hasn't, except to say that I have gotten better! lol. Goodluck and don't give up! You survived AOS, you can survive the DMV!

You didn't parallel park in the Philippines? Wow! You must have lived in some classy neighborhoods, because I thought that all we did in the Phils is parallel park except in malls. :-P

[Messybrownhair 251]

You didn't parallel park in the Philippines? Wow! You must have lived in some classy neighborhoods, because I thought that all we did in the Phils is parallel park except in malls. :-P

Lol.. Not really. Let me rephrase my words, I never parallel parked in between cars, I always looked for a spot with a wide space! lol

[J&N* 68]

My husband did this, he wasn't yelling really but he seemed so so stressed out that it stressed me out! Back home my teacher would teach me and turn on the radio and looks out the window totally trusting me and it calmed me down. I told my husband I don't want him to teach me ever again and it made him get better at it. I suggest letting someone else teach you, maybe a friend or one of his family members? Take your time and don't rush into taking the test!

Driving isn't hard, seriously, do you see people that drive?