How to deal

[kytwell 179]

My wife has now been here for a little more than a week. Everyday her parent's, brother and his kids call, saying how much they miss her and it's a crying fest for an hour. I am doing my best to be supportive and with the exception of this phone call and the hour afterwards everything else is sunshine and roses. What I can't relate to though is this dramatic sense of missing that her family puts forth. She is going to be going back every 3 months for 3 weeks stays, because she and her brother have a business together and she needs to do things for it. Also for the last 50 years her parent's have gone away to their second home for at least 3 months out of the year and since retirement at least 6 months, to the island where they're from. And during this vacation time they would only communicate by phone. So aside from being in a different country and continent now, I don't understand/can't relate to what's so different between the two scenario's? So has anyone else had to deal with similar and how did you help your SO to help their family be better able to deal with it?

[Enigma11561 336]

Sounds like her family is just interfering with your family life too much and maybe you need to take a firmer hand in this.

Personally I would yank the phone line out of the wall for a few days. If she did not speak with them for week, what will happen? Or even better go someplace where there are no phones and see how she reacts in that type of setting. It's like weaning some one off an addiction. You can be as supportive as you want/need to be but separation is difficult enough and these calls are not helping.

[Sandra G. 5,047]

wow... I think they are over exaggerating. Family involvement getting to be too much!. You need to have a heart conversation, because how it's gonna be in the future?

[Mononoke28 135]

wow... I think they are over exaggerating. Family involvement getting to be too much!. You need to have a heart conversation, because how it's gonna be in the future?

I agree. It sounds like they're being way too overdramatic and putting too much emphasis on the fact that she's on a different continent. If she plans on going back every three months to see them, then they shouldn't be acting so crazy. But that's just me.

Diana

[VanessaTony 3,567]

I think the difference is her parents knew where she was and what she was doing most of the time, and now they don't. They were the ones leaving and enjoying themselves and now she's "flown the nest".

It might not necessarily be that she's in a different place or anything, but their relationship is changing. They are not the centre of her world anymore. She is moving on and out where they have less of a say in her life and they're grieving that loss.

I lived with my parents prior to coming here because it made the eventual move easier. What I didn't count on is how my mother would react to me no longer being at home all the time. She was quite upset but I had to stay strong. If I had caved and cried with her I would have been more depressed and upset and it would have taken long to adjust to that particular change.

You need to talk to your wife about it. You need to suggest to her that they not call EVERY day. It needs to slow down to every second day then longer and eventually to once a week or so. It's going to be hard for her to live her life if she's constantly waiting by the phone for her parents to call. She needs to have the freedom to live her life and have just the one "booking" to speak to her parents on a set day/night. The sooner she starts this "weaning" process the easier it will be. It's hard to move on if she's still tethered to her parents by thinking about and speaking to them every day about their life "back home".

She also needs to not give in to the crying. She needs to tell her parents how hard the crying is on her and that the guilt is not fair. If they love her they should be giving her the chance to enjoy her new life here. That doesn't mean that they don't matter anymore but it will be a different relationship. Greek families are BIG families. They're always involved in each others lives (counsins, second cousins etc.. watch "My big fat greek wedding" to see what it's like for girls )

It will get better but she needs to WANT it to get better and that means not allowing her family to call every day so they get used to her not being around 24/7.

[dalatian 4]

just tell them that you know lots of germans. if they don't behave, no bailout for greece and they will have no retirement nor spare time to pull sappy drama

[rlogan 2,036]

I took my mother in law aside before I went back to the USA and told her not to call on our "honeymoon" or I was sending her back. No emails. Leave us alone.

My thinking was that if they couldn't leave us alone now, on our honeymoon, then I would never be free of them. I think we told them three months, and it may not have been that long but both of us felt the same way: we wanted to be left alone. So they did! They do internet chat most days now, and it's no big deal.

[amyandjorge 76]

My wife has now been here for a little more than a week. Everyday her parent's, brother and his kids call, saying how much they miss her and it's a crying fest for an hour. I am doing my best to be supportive and with the exception of this phone call and the hour afterwards everything else is sunshine and roses. What I can't relate to though is this dramatic sense of missing that her family puts forth. She is going to be going back every 3 months for 3 weeks stays, because she and her brother have a business together and she needs to do things for it. Also for the last 50 years her parent's have gone away to their second home for at least 3 months out of the year and since retirement at least 6 months, to the island where they're from. And during this vacation time they would only communicate by phone. So aside from being in a different country and continent now, I don't understand/can't relate to what's so different between the two scenario's? So has anyone else had to deal with similar and how did you help your SO to help their family be better able to deal with it?

This same thing happened in my house for the first week or so after my husband arrived. I could hear my MIL wailing on the phone, which of course upset my husband, I just let them cry it out and now it's past.

I'm having a hard time understanding the other replies... I would never expect my husband's family to cut themselves out of his life, besides it wouldn't happen anyway. They are his parents, they had an idea of how his life would turn out and I can almost guarantee it did not involve moving to another town much less another country! This is not the first time he has left home/country before either. I also would NEVER tell him that he can't talk to his family as much as he wants (unless it was getting too expensive, of course). That is planting the seed of resentment for later on. They need to get comfortable with the new arrangement, preferably in their own ways.

There is a huge difference between vacationing and moving to another country. Vacation has the expectation of returning, moving has the expectation of not returning. It's like they say, 'time heals all'. I would say give them a month to find their equilibrium.

[kytwell 179]

Some good ideas. I think vanessa/tony may have hit on it with the: it's okay her parent's were the ones going away, but now it's the daughter.

[Xanax 349]

I agree with AmyandJorge.

I also do not think it is fair to "tell your wife" to do anything, nor do I think it is appropriate to "tell your MIL not to call or to leave you alone".

Your new family loves and misses their sister/daughter/cousin/mother/brother/uncle etc and that is normal. Everyone needs to deal with the loss and the sadness their own way.

You need to deal with how it is making you feel too.

Talk to your wife and see if she can help you think of a solution, but I would never advocate telling her to do anything or going directly to her family.

Good luck and congratulations on your visa success this far!

[dukeandduchess 141]

It's hard for parents to let their child go no matter what their age is. My mom and dad both made me feel guilty for months before I left and even when we were driving here my mom kept asking "Do you really want to do this?". It pissed me off a lot but I know that it's just how they are. Once they saw where I was living and met all of my fiance's family things have been totally fine. Just give it some time. Maybe offer to have them come visit so they can see everything is fine. Otherwise give it some time. I think the suggestions to tell them to stop calling or cutting them off from each other are totally inappropriate. Just be patient and things will be fine.

[yachachiq12 43]

Is it culturally normal for Greek families to behave this way? Could that be the reason for the drama?

[Cyn&Alex 2]

Greek families are very close. They can seem to be dramatic to the foreign eye, but that is why I love my soon to be Greek family.. (My family is very independent and spread out). I would like my fmaily to actually check up on me more.

The fact that she has left them is a big deal. Umm and she is a daughter. They are a little protective. If you cannot understand that then you need to learn to deal with it and soon..... Family dynamics can vary greatly among different cultures, even in your own town, some are closer to each other than others. For Greeks, that is how most of them function at least in my experience. Same goes for the Italians, Southern families of the States.....etc.

My fiance is about to leave his family for me. It is a big deal. Independence is not always a universally taught behavior. His mother actually likes me and I am in no way even close to being Greek. German/Irish to be exact.

Also let me make a reference to the lovely comment to the couple that chose to tell them to shut up or Germany will not save them. Guess what, Greeks are NOT fans. During World War II the Germans, massacred thousands and decimated about 13% of Greece's population.... um I find your comment completely inappropriate and actually useless. This is a forum to help loved one's be together not insult.

I say it comes with the territory. And with dating, marrying someone from another culture, there will always be differences. Be supportive.

Plus she has only been away for a week. Give it some time. Put yourself in her shoes. I am sure your family would prob do the same. Maybe on a lesser level, but still....

[kytwell 179]

A short update: The calls have tapered off to just once or twice a week now. What I did was had my family get more involved with some things. My Dad took her out to teach her how to drive, while I was at work. My mom took her to some museums and site seeing a couple weekends, while my son had wrestling tournament's. My sister took her out clothes shopping a few evening while I took the kids to practice's. We also just started her a LLC here, so that she can bill the company she and her brother own back in Greece, for consulting work. We're starting renovations on the house the first week of April to convert the study into an office for her, adding a bigger walk in closet in our bedroom, re-decorating the guest bedroom so that it's more convenient for when her family comes to visit and changing all of the carpets in the house and new tile in the bathroom's and kitchen. This way she can put her own personal stamp on the house. So now, when she talks to her family, she tells of all the things she's been doing and the changes she is making to the house here. So with all this stuff going on that she wants to share with them, it dominates the direction of the phone calls, rather than the theme of missing. I think that these few things have helped to ease their worries/ concerns about her "new life" in America.

Edited March 30, 2012 by kytwell

[catknit 144]

A short update: The calls have tapered off to just once or twice a week now. What I did was had my family get more involved with some things. My Dad took her out to teach her how to drive, while I was at work. My mom took her to some museums and site seeing a couple weekends, while my son had wrestling tournament's. My sister took her out clothes shopping a few evening while I took the kids to practice's. We also just started her a LLC here, so that she can bill the company she and her brother own back in Greece, for consulting work. We're starting renovations on the house the first week of April to convert the study into an office for her, adding a bigger walk in closet in our bedroom, re-decorating the guest bedroom so that it's more convenient for when her family comes to visit and changing all of the carpets in the house and new tile in the bathroom's and kitchen. This way she can put her own personal stamp on the house. So now, when she talks to her family, she tells of all the things she's been doing and the changes she is making to the house here. So with all this stuff going on that she wants to share with them, it dominates the direction of the phone calls, rather than the theme of missing. I think that these few things have helped to ease their worries/ concerns about her "new life" in America.

That was a great way to handle the situation! There is nothing worse than having all the time and energy in the world to sit and stew about how much you miss your family. Focusing on her business, bridging the gap of family time using your immediate family, and allowing her to add some of her choices/flavor to the house will mean so much to her! Great job!!!