Meeting Fiancee's Parents

[RandR333 9]

Bring the pasalubong. American cigarettes go over big if dad smokes. Some earrings or a watch for mom. Anything American is a big hit. Bring something for everybody and bring a few extras for the ones that suddenly show up unexpected. You will probably have to take the family out to a nice place before you can court the daughter with the parents approval. Get in good with dad. Once you do, then you can relax. Scariest night of my life. Then before I left, I took the family to Tagaytay for a picnic. All this was expected, so just follow your fiancee's lead.

Take lots of picture of both of you with family. You will need those later.

Only if they are much older than you! You look silly if you and her parents are about the same age.

I do the blessing to my wife's parents and some of her relatives, mostly upon arrival and departing, birthdays, etc. We are not really far apart in age. My wife feels the proper way is to attempt the blessing and if they feel it is not appropriate, they will laugh a little and say it's not necessary, otherwise, not attempting may seem disrespectful. Talk to your wife about it, but I think at least attempting to show respect goes a long ways. Don't worry about looking silly, you are going to a place where most things are made for small people - you are going to look silly at times and people are going to have a good-natured laugh at your expense.

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

I do the blessing to my wife's parents and some of her relatives, mostly upon arrival and departing, birthdays, etc. We are not really far apart in age. My wife feels the proper way is to attempt the blessing and if they feel it is not appropriate, they will laugh a little and say it's not necessary, otherwise, not attempting may seem disrespectful. Talk to your wife about it, but I think at least attempting to show respect goes a long ways. Don't worry about looking silly, you are going to a place where most things are made for small people - you are going to look silly at times and people are going to have a good-natured laugh at your expense.

I suppose it depends whether the family lives in the province, or the big city. My friend married a Pinay, and he said to do the blessing thing, but his wife interrupted and said, "Don't do it. Americans look silly when they do it."

So I asked my then fiancee, now wife of five years, and she said, "My parents are modern. Don't you dare do that!"

So, I didn't.

Dad had his hand on my leg all during dinner, that first night in the Philippines, and wouldn't let go. After dinner, the whole family went for a walk down the boardwalk along Roxas Blvd. I was walking with my fiancee holding hands. He and his wife were holding hands. sisters and brothers were holding hands. Everybody around us was holding hands. Then after walking a mile or two, dad hails down a cab, and tells both my fiancee and me to get in the cab, closes the door, and we head back to the hotel, leaving the family behind. I guess that was his way of giving his blessing.

[actob99 156]

All very good info, looks like all has been covered... I would just listen to your fiancee as she is going to know best. She will let you know how to act and what to do. I always bring Blow pops and suckers for all of the kids. I also throw a party: rent the music from the Uncle, bunch of cases of beer, ice for the Tagay, kill a pig or two.. It's all cheap enough especially if it's your first time there. They will love a party with good food and drink... TAlk with all that try and talk with you and alway's smile. Your fiancee will know when to put you to bed like mine does.

My fiencee's father died when she was young so I had to ask mom, but still a little nervous and I have been around her a while.. It so happened that I bought her 3 pigs and was explaining in Tagalog, communication was good and understandable at the time, so I asked her then in front of my fiancee and her brothers. All were excited and no worries. Just ask dad and all will be good. He will ask if your going to take care of her and if you love her... Definitely a hand to head or a handshake should follow.. Then Tagay!!!!!!

[RandR333 9]

I suppose it depends whether the family lives in the province, or the big city. My friend married a Pinay, and he said to do the blessing thing, but his wife interrupted and said, "Don't do it. Americans look silly when they do it."

So I asked my then fiancee, now wife of five years, and she said, "My parents are modern. Don't you dare do that!"

So, I didn't.

Dad had his hand on my leg all during dinner, that first night in the Philippines, and wouldn't let go. After dinner, the whole family went for a walk down the boardwalk along Roxas Blvd. I was walking with my fiancee holding hands. He and his wife were holding hands. sisters and brothers were holding hands. Everybody around us was holding hands. Then after walking a mile or two, dad hails down a cab, and tells both my fiancee and me to get in the cab, closes the door, and we head back to the hotel, leaving the family behind. I guess that was his way of giving his blessing.

Great story. The hand on the leg thing through me the first time, when my brother-in-law started having a long conversation with me, so be prepared.

[Hank_ 9,174]

The most requested items I get are small chocolates and perfume or body sprays - Bath and Body Works or something similar usually has a sale bin where I stock up. But please don't forget the chocolates!

Never enough chocolate, whenever in Makati have to stop at Rustan's as she likes the Lindt 70% chocolate (OK its my favorite also) and pickup more, that and gummies.

Great story. The hand on the leg thing through me the first time, when my brother-in-law started having a long conversation with me, so be prepared.

Yup, had an afternoon conversation wth an uncle....

[Wally G! 58]

Hi VJers. I'm flying to the Phils in a couple of weeks and will meet my Fiancee's parents and family in her Province for the first time. What should I expect and what are some things I should do to earn their trust and respect. I understand most of the culture and I'm not too worried. Just want to cover all bases. My Fiancee's interview is in April so it is nearing the time where my Fiancee and her daughter will leave their home. Her family knows our intentions and plans but I would just like to know how to address their concerns (if any). Thanks in advance.

Be yourself. Have respect and remember her dad is number 1. Also bring gifts for the family. Does not have to be expensive gifts. Pasalubong! Fine out what her dad does or hobby and bring something from the USA to him. He will love that and shows your interested not only in your fiance but her family.

When I went to meet with my fiance's family. I bought hats, tea shirts. Candy from USA is good. Fruit basket etc.. Smile and if he drinks. Offer to get some beers(San Miguel Lite)and chat it up. Good bonding time. Tell stories and ask questions.

Good Luck and Good Bless!!

[Hank_ 9,174]

For the uncle it had to be Red Horse...

[Philwithlove 17]

my husband now did not bring anything for my family when he first met them which disappoint me and it was my mother's bday when they met him but my family loved and accepted him coz he never made himself different from the normal typical filipino. when we arrived in the house, i introduced him to everybody and some smiled, some giggled and some just say hello and hi. then thats it. mother asked him for food and he goes directly to the table which made a good impression to everybody in the house.. (hospitality in filipinos is very important, so never say no to their offer. or if you really cant, say it in polite manner and an excellent excuse so it wont hurt their feelings)..

he walks barefooted in the house and even outside, helped brother to carry heavy stuff in the shop, play with the kids, greet everybody and even passerbys. my cousins and brothers drinks with him and sometimes go with them to introduced him to their friends

when i had my CFO at prism he was not allowed to come inside the building so he just stayed outside, i was worried that he gets bored or something so when it was lunchbreak, i go down and check him. when i got there, saw him talking to security guards in the BPO and some filipino guys there. they were all laughing and giggling and talking guy stuffs. he even introduced me to them. after the cfo, he said the security guy told him that foreigners just passed by him and never talked to him and made him feel like he never exist. He's happy that my fiance at that time made a difference and talk to him. hearing this, made me proud of my man.

i can bring him anywhere. he is humble and not "maarte".. eats street foods.. walks in parks and going to market, rides jeepney, among other normal filipino.

my father passed away when im just 3 so its my mother who worked hard for us. and what my mother told him before we left is to take care of me and love me. my husband gave her a hug and they both cry. i never hug my mother nor anyone in the family does and that time was so memorable to me.

my thoughts for you to be appreciated and be loved by her family is to be yourself, be humble and be like them if you can.. that way, they can feel your sincerity and love. good luck!

[rlogan 2,036]

I didn't bring gifts, and when I did buy one she asked me for, it turned out to be blackmail: If you buy one - you buy them all or else it is unfair. So that was the last gift.

The most serious issue we had to deal with was how to help the family without hurting them instead. And your wife - what kind of position people can put her in out of jealousy, envy, or spite. Money or gifts can do more harm than good. If you come in there with the party, party, fiesta, attitude with presents for everyone and puttin on the ritz act then it does all the wrong things. Be careful who you put in control of events too. Be open and above board, riveting your attention on clear communications nobody can twist to their own ends. Be on guard for people trying to scam money.

Here's an example: Manny Pacqiao is fighting. I make plans with the father to go see it at a bar with a bunch of screaming drunk locals. Really simple too - hop on the Jeepney for seven pesos and they take you right to the bar.

But someone else shows up with a van to "help", by taking us there. He's a boyfriend of an aunt. We're late getting started and it's already stressful enough, but more people are getting into the van, not just us - and I don't know I am being set up to take everyone to watch the fight on a scammer "closed circuit" showing. This guy driving is stopping here and there, just asking people where we might be able to catch the fight on closed circuit and I am starting to get angry, demanding to be told ####### is going on. Her Father doesn't speak English and this driver is not about to tell the truth, that the plan is to get me there after the fight has already started, and say I have to pay for this whole van full of people to watch the fight. He's telling me "Oh, you don't want to sit in a bar with all those other people, you want private showing."

I start yelling, I mean really yelling to take me home. Immediately. I could see what was afoot and I was really angry. No way were they pulling this on me. He tried to shame me in front of all the other people - what? Watch it on TV with commercials? Yeah, that's right, if you don't take me home this instant I am getting out of this van and walking home. So this guy is etched into my mind - never trust this man, this "helpful" driver.

People will put you in a position where you feel obligated; try to engineer a debt over your head, and have no scruples about it. You might hear about the family tradition of roast pig and cake for the whole barangay. That tradition got started the moment you set foot there, if you let it. The way an extended family based culture works is that everyone helps everyone else: two way street. When it is corrupted by the Americano coming in with money and becomes a one-way street then it can have some ugly results. Namely, a lot of wasted money, dealing with manipulation, and them bickering over it instead of good things happening.

Look with your own eyes at their situation and see what is best to work out in that model of extended family reciprocity. I built a house together with her father over there, and I saw someone here blow as much money on his visit as I spent building a house. We have one brother we're putting through Merchant Marine college, and he's taking care of the parents after the father retires. Good kid, working hard. Twenty thousand pesos tuition a year, less than five hundred dollars, but its about that much with books and stuff, so it's a great investment. Three years tuition.

So be careful about money or your time. If you send the wrong message, people are going to "get it" quick and there will be no end to the scamming. But if you are careful, you can do a lot of good without a huge expense by putting it in the right place.

[Cyberfx1024 7,980]

Which part of the Philippines is she from? Because if it is from the South then learn some Bisaya/Cebuano not Tagalog. Most people in Mindanao don't speak Tagalog at all, or about as good as they speak English.

Most important thing to do is the BLESSING. The second time I went I learned more Bisaya than I Tagalog. So when we showed up to her family's home I said "Maayung Buntag" and I did the blessing. That really went along good, better than the first time I showed up. Because I tried to speak some tagalog before, and alot of words mean different things in the South.

[StraightShooter 62]

I didn't bring gifts, and when I did buy one she asked me for, it turned out to be blackmail: If you buy one - you buy them all or else it is unfair. So that was the last gift.

The most serious issue we had to deal with was how to help the family without hurting them instead. And your wife - what kind of position people can put her in out of jealousy, envy, or spite. Money or gifts can do more harm than good. If you come in there with the party, party, fiesta, attitude with presents for everyone and puttin on the ritz act then it does all the wrong things. Be careful who you put in control of events too. Be open and above board, riveting your attention on clear communications nobody can twist to their own ends. Be on guard for people trying to scam money.

Here's an example: Manny Pacqiao is fighting. I make plans with the father to go see it at a bar with a bunch of screaming drunk locals. Really simple too - hop on the Jeepney for seven pesos and they take you right to the bar.

But someone else shows up with a van to "help", by taking us there. He's a boyfriend of an aunt. We're late getting started and it's already stressful enough, but more people are getting into the van, not just us - and I don't know I am being set up to take everyone to watch the fight on a scammer "closed circuit" showing. This guy driving is stopping here and there, just asking people where we might be able to catch the fight on closed circuit and I am starting to get angry, demanding to be told ####### is going on. Her Father doesn't speak English and this driver is not about to tell the truth, that the plan is to get me there after the fight has already started, and say I have to pay for this whole van full of people to watch the fight. He's telling me "Oh, you don't want to sit in a bar with all those other people, you want private showing."

I start yelling, I mean really yelling to take me home. Immediately. I could see what was afoot and I was really angry. No way were they pulling this on me. He tried to shame me in front of all the other people - what? Watch it on TV with commercials? Yeah, that's right, if you don't take me home this instant I am getting out of this van and walking home. So this guy is etched into my mind - never trust this man, this "helpful" driver.

People will put you in a position where you feel obligated; try to engineer a debt over your head, and have no scruples about it. You might hear about the family tradition of roast pig and cake for the whole barangay. That tradition got started the moment you set foot there, if you let it. The way an extended family based culture works is that everyone helps everyone else: two way street. When it is corrupted by the Americano coming in with money and becomes a one-way street then it can have some ugly results. Namely, a lot of wasted money, dealing with manipulation, and them bickering over it instead of good things happening.

Look with your own eyes at their situation and see what is best to work out in that model of extended family reciprocity. I built a house together with her father over there, and I saw someone here blow as much money on his visit as I spent building a house. We have one brother we're putting through Merchant Marine college, and he's taking care of the parents after the father retires. Good kid, working hard. Twenty thousand pesos tuition a year, less than five hundred dollars, but its about that much with books and stuff, so it's a great investment. Three years tuition.

So be careful about money or your time. If you send the wrong message, people are going to "get it" quick and there will be no end to the scamming. But if you are careful, you can do a lot of good without a huge expense by putting it in the right place.

A lot of truth here.

OP - There is also the belief by many Filipinos that all Americans are wealthy, regardless of their actual financial condition in the US. Be prepared to have her family completely stop contributing to your fiancee's support once you're engaged if they're currently helping her financially. There can be a lot of pressure for the American to completely support his fiancee after the engagement until she finally departs for the US. Doesn't happen all the time, but it does happen.

If you haven't read up on the api mentality, the gapi mentality and the crab mentality, it would be wise to do so now. And just as not all Filipinos don't speak Tagalog (my fiance doesn't), not all of them are upright and honest and can have their own interests in mind when dealing with you.

Like families anywhere, there are dysfunctional ones in the Philippines too, so keep that in mind when dealing with them.

[Magic Power 7]

For the uncle it had to be Red Horse...

You notice that ice cold RedHorse is almost sweet tasting

When it not ice cold it taste like panther piss

[Hank_ 9,174]

You notice that ice cold RedHorse is almost sweet tasting

When it not ice cold it taste like panther piss

I've had a few beers over the years that NEED to be ice cold or doctored up to be drinkable... hmmm can anyone say Corona...

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

I've had a few beers over the years that NEED to be ice cold or doctored up to be drinkable... hmmm can anyone say Corona...

Yep. Coors tastes nasty unless both the blue bars are dark blue.

[Hank_ 9,174]

Yep. Coors tastes nasty unless both the blue bars are dark blue.

Dos Equis Amber works for me.

Edited March 3, 2012 by Hank_Amy