Think Really Hard Before Marrying Someone from MENA

[Sarah B 26]

In regards to half mena kids growing up here - I have two teenage sons who are half arab/muslim. I don't feel they are any less well mannered, well behaved, religion minded as any full arab/muslim kids. They speak arabic because their father took the time to teach them and expose them to arab speakers. He's a busy man who works 12hr days. Being busy isn't a good excuse imo. As far as behavior, they are more well behaved and well mannered than any of the full arab kids I know. Not saying full arab/gmuslim kids are bad. Just saying religiousness of the parent doesn't guarantee a good kid. Actually the worst behaved kid my sons know is the Imam's son who sneaks peeks at Playboys and chit chats and laughs during prayers.

As a half arab/muslim married to a muslim I would agree with this comment whole heartedly. Instead of treating being half and half as a bad thing, it allows the kids to get views of 2 religions/cultures that most people aren't fortunate enough to have. I am very thankful for having grown up being exposed to both the church and the mosque. My friends are from all walks of life and religions and it has indeed made me more tolerant and open minded.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Part of his argument is that because he is a doctor and will be practicing here he won't get to see the children much under training during residency. That I will be responsible for teaching them their prayers and making sure that they can speak the language and at the time he pointed out I can't even speak the language so how would I know what they're saying. We knew this years ago but then when faced with the reality it hits home and things become more defined. I understand his point but I don't think it's fair to me because I'm part of this too and it's taken away something really important.

He has said how you raise children in the MENA culture is one of the most important things parents will ever do. He takes it very seriously. He's very concerned about their souls and the hereafter. I didn't really understand that aspect of it before until recently when he started telling me how concerned he is for my soul. He cares about me very much and is so worried where I will go in the after life. He didn't talk like this before but I think since he's entered his 30's and is getting grey hairs and pulling grey hairs out of my head when he sees them he realizes we're aging. I mean we are growing old together. He relates it to me being worried about his driving. If I knew he was doing something risky like driving without a licenses wouldn't I worry about the consequences of that? I get his point and understand that because of his belief system he's worried about me not being religious and who I will answer to when I die and this is intensified by his love for me and caring about me and what happens to me. It comes from a good place and isn't a push for converting or forcing me to do anything against my will. I have my own beliefs but I have to wonder if I was a practicing christian would he still be as worried or would I see this more as a push for converting to his religion?

Most arab men I have met want children if they really are in love with their wife. Not wanting to have kids is a strong indicator that they might not plan on staying. Its a common excuse to stall and try to play for time while someone is making other plans. Do you want kids? Are you willing to risk your fertility while someone hems and haws about not wanting to have kids with you? Do you really think its all about religion? Using the whole I dont want to raise kids in the united states sounds like a big cop out. I know muslims here married to americans with like 7 kids. I doubt the whole story is being put forth. I think personally he is making excuses and trying to sell you on it. If you have kids OR don't mind never having them, I think the situation could be worked out. HOWEVER if somehow your clock is ticking, I would not let him sell you on this nonsense.. seriously.. it sounds like total malarky and from the sounds of things, I just worry that you are wasting your time and your life with someone who wont be staying. I am not talking about him using you or anything. He may very well have thought some how you would convert or revert, excuse me and is now having second thoughts. There is something called RISK in Islam and it means god or allah brings the money. I just don't believe these kind of stories. I know women pushed into abortions by husband that said they didnt want kids ( man mena wife american)and as soon as he remarried from mena, boom she was pregnant. Honestly, I just would not buy this hook and line story. If you honestly can take the risk, go do it. If not , and you want a baby ( I dont know how old you are by the way) get out and go find someone who will give you one. I don't think this is a mena thing. I think this is a b s line judging from most married muslims wanting kids and not worrying too much about driving themselves crazy about perfect finances. I dont want to sound hurtful , because it isnt about you. Its about how this story sounds. If he didnt want a kafira, why did he marry one? What the hell did you get out of this anyway?

Hugs

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Thanks for the prayers. I've said this on here and I'll say it again. I wouldn't convert unless it was out of the sincerity of my heart. I have to believe in something to be able to do it. I wouldn't convert just to have kids with the man I love. And I wouldn't have married him if I didn't believe it was love between us. I also believe people have the right to practice what they believe unless it is hurting someone else. So his religion is not an issue for me per say as much as my non-practicing of one of the three accepted religions is for him in regards to the care of my soul. He has said while children are very important that even if we couldn't have children he'd still rather have me then all the children in the world.

I guess you will find out when he finishes his residency where you stand

...sigh....

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

In this relationship there is something that I can't discuss publicly that none of you know about our situation. I've never discussed it with anyone from here before. Only my closest friend and my Mom know. This one thing has to do with this very topic and it removes any shadow of doubt about us. I will never reveal it and I don't have to prove it to anyone.

What I get out of this is a companion that loves me deeply. He needs my support right not to get a residency here. He's determined and self aware that not passing a Step to acheiving that could rock our marriage. A baby right now would complicate obtaining that goal and achieving financial stability and security for us. It's not the right time. Maybe in a year or two but not right now. We still have time. From the medical associations standpoint the facts of our relationship are defined already as a risky marriage and adding a baby only increases those risks. I've read this part about marraiges in his books he studies for the medical steps and any of you can too. Most of us in the MENA forum are considered a risky marriage which is why it makes sense that most of the marraiges do fail.

Our relationship is very real and there are percentages that state the possibility it may very well not work out for us one day. I can assure you as the person that has known him for nearly a decade and spent half of that married to him he's not feeding me a line, he's not using me, and there is no looming deadline like his residency or naturalization. In every relationship issues will come up and each couple will have to decide how to work on them.

[Staashi 371]

Most arab men I have met want children if they really are in love with their wife. Not wanting to have kids is a strong indicator that they might not plan on staying. Its a common excuse to stall and try to play for time while someone is making other plans. Do you want kids? Are you willing to risk your fertility while someone hems and haws about not wanting to have kids with you? Do you really think its all about religion? Using the whole I dont want to raise kids in the united states sounds like a big cop out. I know muslims here married to americans with like 7 kids. I doubt the whole story is being put forth. I think personally he is making excuses and trying to sell you on it. If you have kids OR don't mind never having them, I think the situation could be worked out. HOWEVER if somehow your clock is ticking, I would not let him sell you on this nonsense.. seriously.. it sounds like total malarky and from the sounds of things, I just worry that you are wasting your time and your life with someone who wont be staying. I am not talking about him using you or anything. He may very well have thought some how you would convert or revert, excuse me and is now having second thoughts. There is something called RISK in Islam and it means god or allah brings the money. I just don't believe these kind of stories. I know women pushed into abortions by husband that said they didnt want kids ( man mena wife american)and as soon as he remarried from mena, boom she was pregnant. Honestly, I just would not buy this hook and line story. If you honestly can take the risk, go do it. If not , and you want a baby ( I dont know how old you are by the way) get out and go find someone who will give you one. I don't think this is a mena thing. I think this is a b s line judging from most married muslims wanting kids and not worrying too much about driving themselves crazy about perfect finances. I dont want to sound hurtful , because it isnt about you. Its about how this story sounds. If he didnt want a kafira, why did he marry one? What the hell did you get out of this anyway?

Hugs

I'm in total agreement with this. I can't give it a plus one because of my phone, but Olivia, your husband is taking you for a ride. If you want kids, it will not be with this man - I believe he's playing you and that excuse is as big a lie as I've ever seen told. Good luck, girl.

Let me say, from my experience, the clock ticks fast and having babies in your late 30s and 40s is the suck. I had E when I was 36 - and that high-risk pregnancy thing is no joke. The dr told me that I cannot have anymore and that another would kill me or the baby, or both. Hence, I'm good, but when I see my son look at other babies, I know he would love a sibling - but my body and my marriage are not on a place where I can do that.

[Mithra 1,185]

I'm not going to jump on the he's using you bandwagon; however, your explanation about him not wanting kids because he doesn't want them to grow up here is kinda bs. Not your explanation....his. It's fine to wait for kids because you're not 100% sure the marriage is going to last. That's actually a smart thing to do. It just doesn't sound good when one day you say you want kids and didn't plan to wait until your late 30s/early 40s or when you move to Egypt or whatever because your husband thinks the kids will be raised wrong here then come back and say you're waiting because your marriage is "risky". And then tell everyone here their marriage is "risky", too. All marriage is risky. Immigration, cultural/religious differences aside....all marriage is risky. You've been married a good amount of time and have lived together a decent enough amount of time to determine if kids are a good idea. I have a girlfriend who is finalizing her marriage to an American (same religion, same upbringing, same culture) this morning. They were married almost 6 years and have a 3.5 yr old child together. Their marriage failed. Again, ALL marriage is risky. Pointing fingers at everyone here saying their marriage is risky isn't fair because YOU may have some insecurities.

[Mithra 1,185]

From someone who has had babies in her early 20s and a baby in her late 30s...I agree, having babies in your late 30s isn't fun to say the least. Nothing helps you feel your age like pregnancy. If you can avoid having babies later in life, do so. I had a healthy, uncomplicated pregnancy, labor and delivery (thank goodness) but damn did I feel every ache and pain. And the nausea..dear god the nausea. :/

I'm in total agreement with this. I can't give it a plus one because of my phone, but Olivia, your husband is taking you for a ride. If you want kids, it will not be with this man - I believe he's playing you and that excuse is as big a lie as I've ever seen told. Good luck, girl.

Let me say, from my experience, the clock ticks fast and having babies in your late 30s and 40s is the suck. I had E when I was 36 - and that high-risk pregnancy thing is no joke. The dr told me that I cannot have anymore and that another would kill me or the baby, or both. Hence, I'm good, but when I see my son look at other babies, I know he would love a sibling - but my body and my marriage are not on a place where I can do that.

[Staashi 371]

From someone who has had babies in her early 20s and a baby in her late 30s...I agree, having babies in your late 30s isn't fun to say the least. Nothing helps you feel your age like pregnancy. If you can avoid having babies later in life, do so. I had a healthy, uncomplicated pregnancy, labor and delivery (thank goodness) but damn did I feel every ache and pain. And the nausea..dear god the nausea. :/

Ohhhh, sister! I had the best pregnancy, albeit I was monitored like crazy - 2x per week ultrasounds - not one day of nausea! But my delivery was a 50+-hour induced labor, followed with an emergency c-section, and a 5-day stay in the NICU for my son. Just that memory alone is enough to close my uterus down for business. Also, anyone who says that you forget all about your labor after the baby is born is fvcking crazy. Just sayin'!

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

I'm not shocked by any of the responses. Judging others relationships is par for the course on here. The fact remains most of our marriages are considered "high risk" according to the medical books. That's not pointing fingers. That's stating the facts. So before you go sharpening your claws to rip others to shreds please realize you don't have all the facts. There are things I know about my relationship that others don't. While I can appreciate the concern you only know what you know. I don't feel like I'm being taken for a ride or anything bad, ect. We've worked on our challenges and yes this was a big one. We've come to a mutual understanding between husband and wife. From my point of view it really doesn't matter what anybody else has to say about it. It isn't going to change the situation.

[msheesha 548]

I'm so confused - what do medical books have to do/say about marriage risk?

[mari&Ryan 93]

As far I'm concerned It should be something more like : Think hard before you get married to anyone!"

[momof1 205]

As far I'm concerned It should be something more like : Think hard before you get married to anyone!"

Exactly!!!

[Staashi 371]

Actually, marriage has nothing to do with being high risk. Age does. And being a female who is aging out of her childbearing years is the factor here. Many chicks are single and pregnant. However, to go from wanting children to not, and providing an excuse as petty as the one Waleed did seems suspect.

[msheesha 548]

Olivia's post says "The fact remains most of our marriages are considered 'high risk' according to the medical books". What am I missing that medical books are assigning risk levels to marriages? And who are the "most of our" that the medical books would be referring to???

[Ban Hammer 13,465]

Olivia's post says "The fact remains most of our marriages are considered 'high risk' according to the medical books". What am I missing that medical books are assigning risk levels to marriages? And who are the "most of our" that the medical books would be referring to???

i would guess it refers to the average age of the typical female mena member - and having children in the late 30's onward is risky.