Think Really Hard Before Marrying Someone from MENA

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Yes, I am going through hell, but I haven't lived with the hubby yet, so in that sense I feel maybe I didn't have a right to comment. I respect that she had the guts to tell her story. And beauty for ashes, I don't know how you do it, but thanks for sharing your heartache too. The tone is so different than what I've read from you in the past. I can see the transition you spoke of. of course I think my man is genuine, we have been going through a nightmare just to be together, but in spite of that, we continue to grow as a couple. I feel we have a better foundation for the next steps in our relationship than we did 2 years ago at his first denial. I'm hurting for you guys and will pray for some healing

My tone is different because time has gone by. Its been 4 years since he got here. Its been 3 and a half years since we lost our child. Its been a horrible and rough ride and I am absolutely looking back sure he used me. But something happened on the way to today. I decided that I loved him and that it was all ok. I am 6 years older than I was when I met him. It was 5 years ago December that I got pregnant and so much time has gone by and there have been horrible horrible days that felt like they would last forever.

I think I just decided that I loved him and that I would love him all the way through this marriage, our divorce most likely and everything else that was coming. I think I realised I really loved him when I figured out he was not staying with me most likely and somehow I wanted to hold on to any good memory we had together. ( and there havent been that many honestly) He does have some wonderful qualities in the middle of his mood swings. Hes frightened and he depends on me alot for alot and I actually have depended on him for things too. I used to make a lot of money before he came here and my job fell apart. We lost our child..the one thing that probably would have tied us together in so many ways and I lost a big part of my innocence ,, if you can believe a 39 year old was innocent. I really was. I had no idea about the depths my sorrow could plunge or how much I could love before these past years. You see I dont think it matters if they stay or leave. Its sometimes whether we stay or leave in our own lives. Maybe running to north africa and journeying kept me alive in different ways. I wasnt guaranteed a happy ending. Maybe none of us are. Maybe the ones who lost in love won in amany other ways. Sometimes you can win the guy and lose yourself. Sometimes you can lose the guy and win.

I had my own EAT PRAY LOVE movie and in many ways, my own UNDER THE TUSCANY SUN movie. I make little or no sense to my husband who thinks I went crazy when I told him I know you dont love me but I dont care. I think it makes even less sense to the mena people who know who watch me continue to love him and do for him even after he disparaged me to all of them. I know he is leaving. I know perhaps I should be angry. But what can that win me now? Id rather remember the jasmine at night, Cheba Djenet singing..rai music and wind whipped nights. I d rather remember the way my baby looked when I held him and how much I loved my husband . Id rather remember Tunisia and its white and blue buildings before the arab spring came and how good everything tasted. I might not have had those evenings.. I might have missed a big part of who I am now had I not hurt so bad and loved so hard.

I love him. I know hes leaving. But I loved him and I love him and I miss so much of what wasnt wrong.

I know I make little sense but if you have ever really really understood that you can love someone who isnt or couldnt stay, you will understand me... perhaps..

sigh....

[Miss smarty pants 84]

My tone is different because time has gone by. Its been 4 years since he got here. Its been 3 and a half years since we lost our child. Its been a horrible and rough ride and I am absolutely looking back sure he used me. But something happened on the way to today. I decided that I loved him and that it was all ok. I am 6 years older than I was when I met him. It was 5 years ago December that I got pregnant and so much time has gone by and there have been horrible horrible days that felt like they would last forever.

I think I just decided that I loved him and that I would love him all the way through this marriage, our divorce most likely and everything else that was coming. I think I realised I really loved him when I figured out he was not staying with me most likely and somehow I wanted to hold on to any good memory we had together. ( and there havent been that many honestly) He does have some wonderful qualities in the middle of his mood swings. Hes frightened and he depends on me alot for alot and I actually have depended on him for things too. I used to make a lot of money before he came here and my job fell apart. We lost our child..the one thing that probably would have tied us together in so many ways and I lost a big part of my innocence ,, if you can believe a 39 year old was innocent. I really was. I had no idea about the depths my sorrow could plunge or how much I could love before these past years. You see I dont think it matters if they stay or leave. Its sometimes whether we stay or leave in our own lives. Maybe running to north africa and journeying kept me alive in different ways. I wasnt guaranteed a happy ending. Maybe none of us are. Maybe the ones who lost in love won in amany other ways. Sometimes you can win the guy and lose yourself. Sometimes you can lose the guy and win.

I had my own EAT PRAY LOVE movie and in many ways, my own UNDER THE TUSCANY SUN movie. I make little or no sense to my husband who thinks I went crazy when I told him I know you dont love me but I dont care. I think it makes even less sense to the mena people who know who watch me continue to love him and do for him even after he disparaged me to all of them. I know he is leaving. I know perhaps I should be angry. But what can that win me now? Id rather remember the jasmine at night, Cheba Djenet singing..rai music and wind whipped nights.

I love him. I know hes leaving. But I loved him and I love him and I miss so much of what wasnt wrong.

I know I make little sense but if you have ever really really understood that you can love someone who isnt or couldnt stay, you will understand me... perhaps..

sigh....

That is all one of the most bittersweet and saddest stories I have ever read. There is such emotion in it that its captivating. You should write a novel. I am so sorry for the heartbreak you have endured. But it seems to have made you strong and I have all the best hopes for you going forward. I cant even imagine all that you have shouldered. Bless you.

[Staashi 371]

Dont do that! It was your place, like each one of us here to have a right to voice your opinion. You have been and still are going through enough to have your own opinion.

And I agree with you that it is not just a MENA thing to deceive someone for a green card...but OP posted from her own experience and everyone should take heed just to read and learn.

Whether or not it applies to them exactly or not.

To the poster from Argentina...it is not right to assume women on here or that file for their partners are solely paying for the visa procedure, And no one has "knocked on my door" from America so that is why I found my love born else where.

It asserts the assumption we searched outside of the country because we cant find someone here???

Knowing how important looks are to men in America and more importantly for respect to my husband, I intentionally dont post my photos online but... I assure you if I had a door there would be more than knocking.

I like to think there is goodness in falling in love in unconventional ways. I did not choose him. I only prayed for happiness in life and God answered with this. I love my man and proudly he is a Moroccan.

Hi...I'm the USC in our case. I've been on VJ for years - I lurked for about 3 years, starting in 2004, and then joined in 2007. In my time on vj, when I was super active, and undergoing the immigration process, I spent most of my time in the MENA forum. I made some very lovely friends and most of us are still involved on FB. Those of us who have been here for years have seen it all. Nothing surprises me anymore with MENA marriage failures. And here's something to know: most ladies do pay for their spouses fees, tickets, and their own passage to the MENA countries, etc. It is common.

[True Love at Last 15]

First of all I think this has been a great topic for all to read. You can see the views and emotions that love, faith and heartbreak can bring.

I went through a K1 back in 2005. I was married for over 6 years. My MENA man was Egyptian and even with all the good times and the bad times, I was able to trust in Allah and he has led me to a new wonderful Egyptian (imagine that!) man whom I feel a love for like never before.

Everyone really stops and thinks about what could, should or is supposed to happen but in the end you simply let your heart lead you. It doesn't always work out the way we prayed for but we have the strength to pick up our pieces and move on to maybe what will one day be YOUR greatest Love.

I am so very sad for these stories and I pray for each and everyone of you. We can only do our best so that our hearts are pure.

No one life will be perfect and I have felt your pain. I simply refuse to judge any man based on what another one has done. Maybe I am nieve to some but I think it just makes me open to infinite possibilities. My heart is with Egypt (my daughter is Egyptian)and I really cannot see myself with any other man than the one that has made his way straight to my soul.

I do not regret my first journey as it has brought me the knowledge that I need for my new journey for happiness. I am certainly more excited about this new journey and I finally feel that I have found my true faith, my true love, my true soulmate and the man I have prayed for, Alhamdulillah.

I truly pray for the very best for each and every one of us who have endured or are enduring this test/process which is not easy by any means.

May we all reach our journey's, however it will be. (InshaAllah - God Willing)

Salamu alaikum

[sailormoon01 41]

I am very sorry to hear your story and it is a shame that guys like your ex give all MENA men a bad name. I really, really feel for you. All relationships are a struggle, but when you add cultural differences and distance, it can make the situation even harder. Have you tried phoning your husband's family since all of this happened or any of his friends? Did you have a close relationship with anybody back in Jordan? Really, it is heartbreaking what has happened to you and I hope you find justice. I also think it will be hard for him t keep his status as a permanent resident. For all the women on here who are still early in this process, please do think long and hard.

At the end of the day, I know my husband fell in love with me, but I'm not naive to think that me being an American wasn't appealing. With that being said, I think all women should think hard not just with MENA men, but all men. Here are the things that made me believe my husband was the real deal, first off, we are close in age. He is only 1 year closer than me. Second, after visiting his country and staying in his home with his family, I seen he came from a fairly wealthy family. Not to mention, I looked up his ex fiance in Lebanon on FB and I'm kind of way hotter than her. lol. What can I say?? I'm a girl

Looking at what I said, I recommend that all women do this:

1.) As much as it would be beautiful to believe that we can find a younger man to be madly in love with us, this is very rare. Beware of any guy over 5 years younger who claims to be madly in love, whether he is from abroad or even American. Look at what Ashton did to Demi.

2.) Look at his upbringing, the morals of his family, etc. Do they respect you as his wife? Do they make conversation with you and try to know you? Do you have a relationship with his family? If not, does your husband try to get them to respect you? Have you met his extended family. Family can be the biggest red flag. (In my experience in Lebanon, there are so many men married to America, European, and Russian women. Unfortunately, in my husband's family, I am the only non Arab woman so his family did not know how to interact with me at first and I was offended because they were often a bit standoffish. However, my husband changed this and made them respect me.It was so important that they respected me the same way they would respect a Lebanese girl).

3.) I know this is crazy and lets face it, most men will feel disrespected if you ask them about their past, but if possible, find out about his exes and how their relationships ended. Does this man have a history of dating exclusively American women? I was the first non Arab woman my husband had a relationship with.

4.) Is he always in contact with you? Can you get a hold of him at all times? Do you have his family's number?

5.) The biggest thing in all relationships: Does he ask you questions about you? When a man is genuinely interested in you, he always wants to learn more.

[LaL 418]

Just assume if the phrase "my queen" is ever uttered - you are a kersmillion percent likely being taken for a ride.

just being facetious of course, but ya know - when it's laid on that thick..

[Shoot Em Straight 385]

Hi...I'm the USC in our case. I've been on VJ for years - I lurked for about 3 years, starting in 2004, and then joined in 2007. In my time on vj, when I was super active, and undergoing the immigration process, I spent most of my time in the MENA forum. I made some very lovely friends and most of us are still involved on FB. Those of us who have been here for years have seen it all. Nothing surprises me anymore with MENA marriage failures. And here's something to know: most ladies do pay for their spouses fees, tickets, and their own passage to the MENA countries, etc. It is common.

@Staaashi

Hi Back. I assumed you were the USC. Just when I was writing I quickly recalled the Argentina flag. Smile.

And congrats on not having to deal with the Visa process anymore!!! I pray to be in your position someday

For now It is waiting and learning...Yes I already figured out that most of the woman pay for the Visa...Just wanted to NOT be blanketed in that because I am married to a MENA and to have my shout out about being able but not choosing to get involved with a man from the U.S.

It did empower me to read of what may happen. And I did speak to my husband bluntly about this post. So I see the value in women helping other women...even if it is something we dont want to hear.

And a big that though the stories of fraud and misrepresentation are very sad...it is bravery and kindness for women like the OP to come back to warn. Same to you about still being on here to advise

BTW your second post read better without the dudes and chicks!!!

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Just assume if the phrase "my queen" is ever uttered - you are a kersmillion percent likely being taken for a ride.

just being facetious of course, but ya know - when it's laid on that thick..

howl.....

[tany1157 161]

Just assume if the phrase "my queen" is ever uttered - you are a kersmillion percent likely being taken for a ride.

just being facetious of course, but ya know - when it's laid on that thick..

heyyy, hubby has called me that a couple of times this past year!

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

That is all one of the most bittersweet and saddest stories I have ever read. There is such emotion in it that its captivating. You should write a novel. I am so sorry for the heartbreak you have endured. But it seems to have made you strong and I have all the best hopes for you going forward. I cant even imagine all that you have shouldered. Bless you.

I am still here.

I just am not all here

And the depths of my sorrow were about equal to the compassion I developed from the pain that I felt and I just decided to survive I had to stop being mad.

Yes, alot of these guys use women for papers and dump them. But you can survive it if that happens and not stay mad about it.

Many of the things that break our hearts can become the fabric of a very big life. I needed to see the things I did and go the places I did and I can't focus on what went wrong without destroying all that is going right in my life right now.

You see like Khalil Gibran said, much of what we have in love and life, really does not belong to us anyway.

And my little girl is 7. I have a whole lot more getting ready to happen as far as she is concerned. Her birth father is a Moroccan and I have a feeling as she ventures into adolescence and high school, that she will want to know more and more about Morocco and North Africa and everything that hurts me right now will feel differently when I see her head off to high school or twirl a baton or even wear a kaftan. She's lovely, you know. She's so lovely and in 10 years, my husband will be in his 40s and maybe on another adventure with someone else. I just don't want all the things that hurt right now to be what I remember. I want to be in my 50s remembering Tunisia and the things I saw. I want to remember all the things that did not go wrong. I know I make little sense but grief took me places joy never could

thats a facebook status I think

grief took me places that joy never could

Under the Tuscany Sun is a very good movie to watch to try to put some of the relationship loss into perspective.

Unthinkably good things can happen, even late in the game

My favorite part of UNDER THE TUSCANY SUN

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

heyyy, hubby has called me that a couple of times this past year!

yikes

[Orando 57]

heyyy, hubby has called me that a couple of times this past year!

That is all good, if he doesn't treat you like a queen and address you as his queen, then he is not a king! I gotta have me a queen, that is the fitting thing for a king!

[tany1157 161]

That is all good, if he doesn't treat you like a queen and address you as his queen, then he is not a king! I gotta have me a queen, that is the fitting thing for a king!

Ah, he's a pretty great guy, sometimes... It's mutual respect that's important. and PATIENCE!!

[Orando 57]

Ah, he's a pretty great guy, sometimes... It's mutual respect that's important. and PATIENCE!!

Yep, there is mutual respect and patience amongst Kings and Queens!

[bombyjuly 13]

Deb

I thank you for taking the time to post your story...though it ended up being a hard and sad one....u still did it.

Please know I hope you will find your true happiness when it is time. God willing.

Even if people at this time read and dont believe it can happen to them...it is good to always be aware of what deceptive people are capable of doing and how far they would go to get what they selfishly desire.

I cant accept to categorize it because he was a MENA man. There are many good Middle Eastern/North African men and successful Relationships found with American born women. Hopefully you can still hold on to your reasons for being interested in this culture in the first place...despite this one. He chose to do immoral things because he gave into his own desires not necessarily because he was born in a certain place.

I was married for many many years to a middle eastern man and though it ended, he was faithful and treated me as Queenish as possible after that many years, because he was a good man that way.

And now God brought me to another chance at love with, yes a MENA again. He just happen to be born outside of the U.S....like yours (GULP)

Obviously, I will continue my visa but your advice has been input!!!

With Respect

Edit...I also enjoyed your link on the stats