Think Really Hard Before Marrying Someone from MENA

[Mithra 1,185]

Agreed on both posts directly above.

I couldn't imagine not having my children. Being a mother is the hardest and most rewarding thing I've ever done. Everything else in my life has been secondary. I feel sorry that you're being coerced into possibly missing out on becoming a mother.

He knows exactly what he's doing in trying to delay motherhood until the time is right for HIM. Someone who truly loves you would never make you give up something as important as becoming a mother.

[~PalmTreeGurl~ 154]

I dont know anyones own personal situation, I just know that Adam & I would love to have our own child. We talk about it, we try to make it happen, we pray for it to happen. We already even have a daughters name picked out if one day we do have a child. I've always wanted to be a wife & mother- to give a child a home of love. Things wouldnt go well between him & I if Adam wasnt in agreement with me in trying & praying for it to happen.

[Jenn! 918]

Before I had a baby I probably could have rationalized not having kids if that was what my husband had wanted. Immigration aside, couples compromise on this every day. And some don't and divorce as a result. Looking back from the perspective of being a mother, there is absolutely no way I would agree to not having kids (fertility issues are a separate situation, of course). Maybe I just love being a mother more than I love my husband.

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

Ok so I read this a couple of years ago in Dh's medical books for the exams and since then I've seen you all talk about it several times but I never brought it up because I didn't want to have to regurgitate to you all a couple of chapters from the medical books on it. It's what our medical doctors study for the USMLE Step 1 in the Behavioral Sciences section. Chapter 3 Life in the United States. For the record I'd like to clarify this is not intended copy right infringement because this is under the fair use act for learning purposes.

Section A discusses Family Life:

1. The divorce rate has been rising steadily over the past 40 years. In 2002: 52 divorces for every 100 marriages. Best estimate: half of all marriages today will end in divorce.

2. U.S. has the highest divorce rate among western nations. However, there is no correlation between industrialization and divorce rates.

3. The higher rate is due to change of the basis for marriage from economic to "love match." increased mobility and distance from family supports, fewer legal and religious constraints, and the lessening of economic dependence of women.

4. Marriage has a better chance of success if both partners are of similar backgrounds, race, intelligence, and education.

5. Divorce rates are higher for children of divorced parents, couples who marry young, lower SES, ever high SES.

6. Divorced persons have the highest rates of hospitalizations for mental disorders.

7. Divorce is hard on children: more behavior problems, delayed physical and mental developments. However, staying in a hostile environment can be harder.

8. Marital satisfaction is higher for couples without children.

This is just a taste of a chapter that goes from page 39 - 51 and it's just the cliff notes from an entire book on the subject that span 213 pages not including the index. In this book most of our marriages in MENA are described and defined under "high risk" for divorce and having children only adds to that. It's not a case for everyone not having children. It saddens me to have to face that but after reading the book a light goes on and I can say, "Oh I get that. I know where you're coming from now." This is based on my own life experience and not anyone else. However, from this material I am able to identify others but I'm not pointing out to them "hey you fit this mold." I let everyone choose their own adventure. I'm not a doctor and not everyone here is.

Edited March 14, 2012 by ॐ

[venusfire503 54]

Actually, let me say, it is a MENA warning - when I look at my friends who are married to MENA dudes, the only ones that seemed to have worked out are the ones where the couples are similar in age and are able to bear children. I only know of one couple on here that had an age difference but are still together. I remember Debbie and her posts, I thought she and her husband would make it - and here we are, another scammer.

And yes, Americans get divorced all the time, however, some poor chick doesn't have to spend thousands of dollars on the front end to bring her dude over here.

Please know, I'm not against immigration and foreign relationships. I have many friends with great relationships with their MENA dudes, but they are in an exclusive group. So yes, when it comes to those red flags take them seriously. Not every guy is an azzhole, but ask yourself this question: if you don't have men beating down your doors in the US, what makes you think they're going to beat down your doors from afar without something to benefit them?

I just want to let everyone know that I'm part of a couple that is working out. He's been a citizen since last summer. I'm 11 years older, and we don't have a child together (we'd love to, but the chances of it happening arent very high).

As far as men beating down my door... I never took the time to find out if they would or not (Americans or not). I wasn't looking for a relationship - I was just talking to people for something to do, and ended up falling in love. Luckily for me, he did too.

There might be general rules, but not absolute ones.

venusfire

[venusfire503 54]

It is a warning against MENA men so lets not try to sugarcoat it. I know tons of wildly successful MENA/American marriages. They are similar in age or the man is older, have children together, and share a religion. The shortest has been married for over 5 years and the longest close to 14. These are personal friends of ours but we know, through the grapevine, of those married much much longer. It's not all gloom and doom but you have to be honest and take a good look at yourself and your partner.

I wholeheartedly agree with Staashi

We don't share a religion, either.

I'm the older one.

Oh, and not only does he parent my children from before, he deals with the ####### from their father. Those who say it's none of his business are delusional. Anything that affects one of us (especially that much) affects both of us to some extent.

Maybe the odds aren't the greatest, but it IS possible for a MENA man to fall in love with an American woman who is older and be a wonderful husband to her.

And TRUST ME, he FAR outshines the American man (around my age) who I married the first time. In every way.

venusfire

[venusfire503 54]

How many of them brought their husband to the United States and how many met them here? How many are converts to Islam

Any marriages you know of where the woman is lets say 8 to 13 years older that after 5 years they are together?

Mine. I'm 11 years older, and we've been married more than 5 years now and together almost 6 years.

I brought him here. Neither of us converted.

[venusfire503 54]

Just assume if the phrase "my queen" is ever uttered - you are a kersmillion percent likely being taken for a ride.

just being facetious of course, but ya know - when it's laid on that thick..

Maybe that's it - he never called me his queen.

HAHA

Seriously, I wish I could stay up and read the rest of the posts, but I can't. Without REALLY paying for it tomorrow.

I feel compelled to mention my relationship when topics like this come up because if I had listened to all of the warnings about other relationships, I would have missed out on the best relationship - one I never could have imagined. I read and heard the worst things... but once people met him, their opinions changed. Yes, everyone needs to take a step back and make sure they're not overlooking things because of the excitement. But I think it's important to really look at it and not just write it off immediately just because of where he's from, age differences, different religions, whatever. That's what I did - I heard all the horror stories, but did my best to look at our relationship honestly. I didn't assume the relationship was going to work just because I was in love, but I also didn't assume it wasn't going to work just because I'm older and he's a Muslim MENA man.

I am very sad when I hear about what some posters are going through. Although I'm very lucky with my MENA man, I am going through horrors with my (USC) ex. He makes it his hobby to do anything he can to make me miserable. It's not exactly the same as being used/scammed or whatever... but I wish I didn't have to deal with it. I can't get into it all here and now, but one thing I'll say is he's not above sacrificing the children's happiness to accomplish his selfish goals. How sick is that? That's really all he has on me, and he maximizes it. I would never 'use' my children. I live by the saying "love your children more than you hate your ex".

Anyway, I wish peace, happiness, and love to everyone.

venusfire

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

5. Divorce rates are higher for children of divorced parents, couples who marry young, lower SES, very high SES.

In the above I put in bold a correction to my prior post. SES stands for Socioeconomic Status. The next section talks about.

B. Socioeconomic Status (SES)

1. SES: weighted combination of occupation and education. Income is not used as a direct determinant of SES.

2. In general, there is a positive correlation between SES and good things such as good mental health, life satisfaction, freedom from illness, and life expectancy. Exceptions to this are anxiety disorders and breast cancer in women, and more bipolar in either gender. High-SES people marry later and have children later.

3. Lower SES is also associated with more sharply defined sex-role expectations, more rigidity in expectations of individuals, and more action-oriented language rather than conceptual language.

4. Most low-SES families are single-parent families. More than 80% of single families are headed by women.

5. Percentage of American households consisting of father who works outside the home, mother who does not work outside the home, and two children = 15%.

6. More than 50% of mothers with children work outside the home (even if male partners in the home).

Economic issues are a good predictor of divorce rate.

It goes into way more details and I think they are all important factors. It's way too much to write out here. I don't feel I could do it justice by glossing over any of it. I mean there are books written out there in volumes about this stuff if anyone is really interested in checking into this stuff for themselves.

[Mithra 1,185]

This stuff is basic common knowledge I do believe. I've read pretty much this same stuff just browsing the internet. Didn't stop me or my husband from wanting/having a child. Even if we divorced one day, I'd still have my children. Statistics are fine and good but every person/family is different. How one handles a divorce/child custody situation makes all the difference...not statistics. I do hope that one day, you don't look back on your decision with regret. It would be one thing if you never wanted children but the fact that you obviously did want them and were blindsided by your husband's "announcement" is incredibly sad. How you aren't insulted by his hinting that you wouldn't make an adequate mother because you're American and not Muslim is beyond me.

[Sarah B 26]

This stuff is basic common knowledge I do believe. I've read pretty much this same stuff just browsing the internet. Didn't stop me or my husband from wanting/having a child. Even if we divorced one day, I'd still have my children. Statistics are fine and good but every person/family is different. How one handles a divorce/child custody situation makes all the difference...not statistics. I do hope that one day, you don't look back on your decision with regret. It would be one thing if you never wanted children but the fact that you obviously did want them and were blindsided by your husband's "announcement" is incredibly sad. How you aren't insulted by his hinting that you wouldn't make an adequate mother because you're American and not Muslim is beyond me.

Amen.

[100% Al Ahly Fan 53]

This stuff is basic common knowledge I do believe. I've read pretty much this same stuff just browsing the internet. Didn't stop me or my husband from wanting/having a child. Even if we divorced one day, I'd still have my children. Statistics are fine and good but every person/family is different. How one handles a divorce/child custody situation makes all the difference...not statistics. I do hope that one day, you don't look back on your decision with regret. It would be one thing if you never wanted children but the fact that you obviously did want them and were blindsided by your husband's "announcement" is incredibly sad. How you aren't insulted by his hinting that you wouldn't make an adequate mother because you're American and not Muslim is beyond me.

Exactly what I was thinking, the info provided by Olivia can be found just about anywhere. All the mumbo-jumbo stats is a pile a garbage as far as I'm concerned. Olivia you can quote out of those books until your blue in the face if that makes you feel better about giving up your right to have children. But I know plenty of doctors, residents, nurses and other medical staff (I work for a large health care organization) and I would say that the information from those books never stopped the majority of medical folks from getting married OR having children.

In reality, LIFE is a risk. Period. Are you going to allow books or stats (or your husband) to control your life?

Like the above post, God forbid my husband and I divorced but if so, thank God, I have my children.

Edited March 14, 2012 by 100% Al Ahly Fan

[msheesha 548]

Is this a joke?

Those are the profound, insightful statistics that are used to justify a husband's announcement that he's decided about his wife's motherhood status?!

This is my favorite --- "Divorce is hard on children". Whoa, that's deep; I never realized that before. Shocking & enlightening info from those medical journals.

[Mithra 1,185]

I know, right? I had to laugh at how Cap'n Obvious some of those stats were. Yeah super convincing in the argument to not have children.

Is this a joke?

Those are the profound, insightful statistics that are used to justify a husband's announcement that he's decided about his wife's motherhood status?!

This is my favorite --- "Divorce is hard on children". Whoa, that's deep; I never realized that before. Shocking & enlightening info from those medical journals.

[sachinky 464]

However, you were good enough to marry, to cook for him, clean, bring him here, support him while he's doing his studies and residency, to ** him, and all the other components that a marriage entails. But ultimately, YOU and YOUR COUNTRY are not good enough to have his children and raise them here. What type of fvcked up bullsh!t is that?

Agreed. How on earth is this not insulting and horribly offensive? If this country is good enough for me to study here, live here, work here, earn money, produce a man who I love enough to marry, then how is it suddenly not good enough to raise my children in? GAH. This stuff gets my goat.