Think Really Hard Before Marrying Someone from MENA

[Silverberry1331 25]

I assure I did not hear this from some guys that want to come to America...

You wrote being out of child bearing age and the man in his prime and this popped into my head

It is here in America that we set a child bearing age because of science and what we have learned from science

But if it's up to God...I feel more comfort in his corner.

And Again, I started the post with not to put personal religious preferences in this thread...it is a lovely story and what you wrote just triggered my memory.

Edit my spelling of fell to feel

I am not sure what you mean by in child-bearing age because of science. Would you mind clarifying? All that I am saying is that there are alot of women who are out there...past the age where they can have children. These young guys, come from cultures where they are marrying younger women (usually) and are pushed to have families. Having a much older wife is unusual-if this were acceptable then alot of these guys would marry older women from their own country. Instead alot of these guys are trolling the net, telling women I love you, and will see who will bite.

And, putting aside religious preference as requested...picking apart the story itself. The Prophet ran Khadija's business...so they had daily interacts and had a very personal, long term relationship. He did not approach her for marriage. She approached him. He accepted. This is a far-cry from alot of these guys.

I do agree- it is a sweet story and it is endearing. I am just concerned because I hear this alot from people who have no right to use it (but I am not implying you here...I know what you mean...and didn't think ill of your intention on posting it). I am just so sad by the number of people who cling to the story to try to establish credibility in their relationship when there isn't any, and angry with these jerks who liken themselves to a holy man by making comparisons between themselves and the Prophet's situation.

Edited March 4, 2012 by Silverberry1331

[zahra 11]

Khadija was not past “child bearing” age whatever her actual age – she had 5 kids with the Prophet.

I assure I did not hear this from some guys that want to come to America...

You wrote being out of child bearing age and the man in his prime and this popped into my head

It is here in America that we set a child bearing age because of science and what we have learned from science

But if it's up to God...I feel more comfort in his corner.

And Again, I started the post with not to put personal religious preferences in this thread...it is a lovely story and what you wrote just triggered my memory.

Edit my spelling of fell to feel

[Shoot Em Straight 385]

Khadija was not past “child bearing” age whatever her actual age – she had 5 kids with the Prophet.

Did I write she was past? If it came off like this...I did not mean it to.

*In fact it was a side point* that we put the limit of childbearing age lower then in the MENA countries. My ex's mother started when she was 14 and only stopped when God willed it!!!!!

(Not with science telling us when we should stop..I am assuming that was where we got the limit after a certain age a woman should stop?????)

@Sivlerberry1331 I was in no way defending scrupulous young MENA men and what you described them doing and why. Nor would I ever liken anybody to the profit Mohammad PBUH.

Believe me...if I knew of what was contributed on here (about the fraud) ahead of my initial K1 Visa, I would never have had the wonderful waiting time I have like this evening for the spousal Visa.

Their age difference just popped into my head romantically...

Relax ladies

I just chose to share what was on my mind and assumed it was a nice thought.

Still do

And when I am pregnant, I will post this too.

[sachinky 465]

I know of several successful MENA-American relationship and they are your everyday, average lovely couples who've been married for several (7-15) years. These are folks I interact on a daily basis with. The white/MENA couples usually have 2 kids. The women have converted to Islam although none of them wear the hijab.

Two points stuck out to me that showed a very different picture than the one I see often on VJ:

1) These couples usually met in some third country (usually in the middle east) on work related trips (nursing, air hostess), or the MENA guy was in the US on a work visa/ student visa and/or already had his papers sorted. None of this online/FB stuff.

2) Also, crucially important, all of them are similar in age/ level of attractiveness. No one looks like a grandma or a model.

[Staashi 371]

I'm always amazed when people throw out the story of Khadijah being the shining example of why older women should marry younger men in Islam. However, it is always conveniently forgotten or omitted that the Prophet's (PBUH) favorite wife was the child bride Aisha. He married her when Khadijah died.

[tany1157 161]

When hubby and I were in the "getting to know you" phase, he let me know he wanted a child, if I didn't, then we wouldn't work. Thankfully, I've always wanted another child. During that phase, we both put out what we expected for our individual futures, and what we expected in a significant other. I'm just saying from my experience. They are very family oriented there. His mom has been waiting patiently for grand kids, but we have chosen to wait until he is here, and give us some adjustment time before we have a child. Thankfully everyone understands. In the end, it's a personal choice, and I don't feel comfortable saying "all" of them want kids, or big age differences are doomed.

Edited March 4, 2012 by tany1157

[Shoot Em Straight 385]

I'm always amazed when people throw out the story of Khadijah being the shining example of why older women should marry younger men in Islam. However, it is always conveniently forgotten or omitted that the Prophet's (PBUH) favorite wife was the child bride Aisha. He married her when Khadijah died.

Did not throw out the story of Khadijah as the shinning example of anything!!!!

But I am glad the post somehow amazed you.

I am always learning of Islam and JUST respectfully shared a thought....AhHHHhhh

OP was good to share her personal story, but HE chose to give into his own desires.....It is the individual. Not because he is from JORDAN.

[Shoot Em Straight 385]

When hubby and I were in the "getting to know you" phase, he let me know he wanted a child, if I didn't, then we wouldn't work. Thankfully, I've always wanted another child. During that phase, we both put out what we expected for our individual futures, and what we expected in a significant other. I'm just saying from my experience. They are very family oriented there. His mom has been waiting patiently for grand kids, but we have chosen to wait until he is here, and give us some adjustment time before we have a child. Thankfully everyone understands. In the end, it's a personal choice, and I don't feel comfortable saying "all" of them want kids, or big age differences are doomed.

Good Morning Tany! You add...good for you.

You struck on a good point

COMMUNICATION

That is so imperative

Talk and know your goals together

ahead of time

MENA or not... it is the relationship between two people that makes it or allows it fail

Having wrote that...it does not take away from the good advice given on here to watch for the signs of being scammed.

There...no religion.

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

I found that while establishing goals is good, things change. We had a long courtship and then a long visa process so we had loads of time to discuss life and how it was gonna be. Then they get here and the reality may not fit the perceptions. This may cause some adjustments in the relationship and some serious redefining those original goals.

[Shoot Em Straight 385]

I found that while establishing goals is good, things change. We had a long courtship and then a long visa process so we had loads of time to discuss life and how it was gonna be. Then they get here and the reality may not fit the perceptions. This may cause some adjustments in the relationship and some serious redefining those original goals.

IS IT A MENA thing???

[Shoot Em Straight 385]

Not yelling my cap locked

[Boiler 45,813]

No

[tany1157 161]

I found that while establishing goals is good, things change. We had a long courtship and then a long visa process so we had loads of time to discuss life and how it was gonna be. Then they get here and the reality may not fit the perceptions. This may cause some adjustments in the relationship and some serious redefining those original goals.

You are absolutely right. Even now, we have adjusted some since the beginning, and some ideas have changed (not the important, core ideas though). I imagine the same will happen when he gets here. Also, even though we have spoken up and down about child rearing, I am sure once a child is here, things may have to be adjusted. It's the mutual love, respect, and most of all, open-mindedness that have allowed us to grow. We were both pretty open minded from the beginning, otherwise, neither of us would be in this relationship. Eyes should be WIDE OPEN with any relationship, regardless of where it begins. Nobody deserves to be taken advantage of. I am the type that prays for the best, but prepares for the worst. I wish the OP good luck in her life

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

IS IT A MENA thing???

It's a multi-cultral marriage thing.

You are absolutely right. Even now, we have adjusted some since the beginning, and some ideas have changed (not the important, core ideas though). I imagine the same will happen when he gets here. Also, even though we have spoken up and down about child rearing, I am sure once a child is here, things may have to be adjusted. It's the mutual love, respect, and most of all, open-mindedness that have allowed us to grow. We were both pretty open minded from the beginning, otherwise, neither of us would be in this relationship. Eyes should be WIDE OPEN with any relationship, regardless of where it begins. Nobody deserves to be taken advantage of. I am the type that prays for the best, but prepares for the worst. I wish the OP good luck in her life

In our case prior to him arriving here we agreed to have children and raise them Muslim even through I am not a Muslim. Then he got here and started going to the local Islamic center and seeing other multi-cultral marriages and how "the second generation" was growing up here. This changed his whole attitude about having children. He saw that some of them rarely went to visit the MENA parents home country and rarely spoke Arabic. This really bothered him. He then announced to me that we would not be having children because he didn't want to raise an "American teenager". That the only way we could have children is if we moved back to Egypt. With his career path as a doctor here it will be several years before we could do that and it would take me out of child rearing age. No matter what I couldn't and haven't convinced him otherwise. Even if I converted and learned the language. I have started learning to read and write and speak the language but I don't think I'll ever convert. I wasn't raised in organized religion and that is as natural to me as it is for him to go to jummah prayers.

This kind of thing wasn't expected nor foreseen by either of us after years of discussing it and having a mutual understanding. It was heartbreaking to me and almost a deal breaker for us. I cried many tears over it. We went through a very difficult period during this time. Eventually I came to acceptance because we loved each other. I also felt he's only been here two years. I've read it can take up to as much as five years for them to adjust. This still gives us time and gives me hope. Plus right now we're not in any sort of financial position to raise children. So much goes into his studying and taking the medical exams and then his training during residency here that it may be several years before we're in a good position together to care for children. So we have time but that window is rapidly closing. I've accepted children may not be in the plan for us and started looking at what else life may have to offer with the extra disposable income. I've also accepted we'll eventually retire to live in Egypt so I'm very keen on watching and reading their news and learning what is developing there.

Life can change though. There is a lot of time between then and now.

[tany1157 161]

It's a multi-cultral marriage thing.

In our case prior to him arriving here we agreed to have children and raise them Muslim even through I am not a Muslim. Then he got here and started going to the local Islamic center and seeing other multi-cultral marriages and how "the second generation" was growing up here. This changed his whole attitude about having children. He saw that some of them rarely went to visit the MENA parents home country and rarely spoke Arabic. This really bothered him. He then announced to me that we would not be having children because he didn't want to raise an "American teenager". That the only way we could have children is if we moved back to Egypt. With his career path as a doctor here it will be several years before we could do that and it would take me out of child rearing age. No matter what I couldn't and haven't convinced him otherwise. Even if I converted and learned the language. I have started learning to read and write and speak the language but I don't think I'll ever convert. I wasn't raised in organized religion and that is as natural to me as it is for him to go to jummah prayers.

This kind of thing wasn't expected nor foreseen by either of us after years of discussing it and having a mutual understanding. It was heartbreaking to me and almost a deal breaker for us. I cried many tears over it. We went through a very difficult period during this time. Eventually I came to acceptance because we loved each other. I also felt he's only been here two years. I've read it can take up to as much as five years for them to adjust. This still gives us time and gives me hope. Plus right now we're not in any sort of financial position to raise children. So much goes into his studying and taking the medical exams and then his training during residency here that it may be several years before we're in a good position together to care for children. So we have time but that window is rapidly closing. I've accepted children may not be in the plan for us and started looking at what else life may have to offer with the extra disposable income. I've also accepted we'll eventually retire to live in Egypt so I'm very keen on watching and reading their news and learning what is developing there.

Life can change though. There is a lot of time between then and now.

Thank you for sharing your story. That must have been so hard on you two. It is nice to hear that you two have made it through that tough patch, because that is a big deal to decide to not have children after you thought you would. Hubby and I decided we would not raise our kids under any religion name, but to raise them with a faith in God. He was adamant about them speaking arabic, which I agreed with. Sometimes I do wonder if when that child is actually here, he will change his mind and want to raise them strictly Muslim. I am not opposed to that, as I am "labeled" a Christian, but really, I am not into organized religion. I just hope my child will at least believe in God, but even then, I can't control what my children will decide when they are adults. In the end, I hope that our love and respect will continue to grow with anything that life throws at us. Just have to take it one day at a time.