Honest opinions please

[William33 110]

Steven,

Your friend and his Fiance are a wise couple and know the concept of compromise. Tell him that they will do very well in their relationship.

Also tell him that I hope their approval comes very soon from CSC.

I think your friend and his fiancee need to have a talk. Explain your his feelings to her, and find out what the major draw is for her. Is she faced with an upcoming immigration and looking at the prospect of not getting to go to these shindigs for a while, maybe wanting to have one last great night with the friends? Is it something else? An honest dialogue will do you them a lot of good. Just remember that she loves you him, speak from love and not fear and you'll he'll be just fine.

Your typewriter doesn't have correction ink? B)

...........................................

I relayed all of this to my friend to which he said he is very grateful for all the honest feedback from everyone here. He says you guys rock! He has good news that he and his fiancee worked out a compromise. She will go to the beach on Sunday.

Much appreciated! My friend says!

[Ta Ta 1]

ditto........so glad they worked it out.......

Steven, the phone connection to my baby is still sooo bad

[Fandango 1,439]

OOOOOOH great topic! So much to say!!

Why is it that people think that just cos someone's in a relationship that they have the right to control the other person? Big whoop, your 'friend's' fiancee is going to an overnight party. What's the probbo? Better her crash at a hotel or somewhere safe so she can enjoy herself without having to worry about arranging transport home. If your friend trusts his woman, then surely he should trust her enough to want her to go have a good time? I honestly don't see the problem here!

Yes, booze makes you less inhibited, sure...but it doesn't make you lose your mind altogether. The whole 'I was drunk' thing was and always will be a copout for doing what one wants

When you try to hold onto a butterfly, you can smother it or kill it.

I have a friend... (just go with this)

His fiancee recently went to a high school reunion (class of 94). The event went well and now they want to organize a beach party this coming Sunday. At least, that's how it started but now it's become an overnight event from Saturday night thru Sunday.

My friend is uncomfortable about it to say the least - given the fact that they are separated by long distance and haven't seen each other in months. At the reunion things got a little crazy - people were drinking and partying until 2am.

How would you handle this?

What is to handle really? What is your 'friend' so uncomfortable with? Her having a good time?

I agree - alcohol can do funny things.

I'd be concerned too - it's not so much about not trusting your loved one, but not trusting the other people at the party. An overnight thing would worry me, whether it had cause to or not.

No offense to you Christina, but I have to point out a peeve of mine....his fiancee is the only one he needs to trust...he cannot always need to trust every person she comes into contact with. She's a big girl, and if he trusts her, that's all he should need.

His fiancee doesn't normally drink, but about a month ago she was at a house warming party drinking vodka shots because she said she felt obliged to the host, then drove home. Luckily she made it home in one piece.

Your 'friend's' fiancee sounds like she's trying to justify not being responsible. 'I was trying to be polite' doesn't work in a situation like that unless she's 16. If she's a grown woman and drove there, she should know that 'I am driving' is the best reason to say no to booze....polite schmolite. She could have killed someone.

However, with this new bit of info I'd say it was even better that it turned into a two day thing so she doesn't feel too obligated to drink and drive again.

You are being insecure and paranoid. If she wants to party, let her party.

What's the problem?

Johnny, tell this man what he's won! DingDingDing!!!

My "friend" has a fiancee from England who will be attending a party in Wales on Halloween. My friend's fiancee will be dressed in a somewhat sexy manner (depending on your tastes....think "Morticia"), and has been known to drink too much at times. Since it is a bit of distance from London to Wales, and the fiancee doesn't drive, she will be staying at the host's house.

My "friend" has no reservations about it at all, and hopes that his fiancee has a good time at the party. He trusts her completely, and only regrets that he can't be at the party with her.

My friend doesn't worry about "what ifs" in regard to infidelity. Doing so implies a lack of trust, and as mentioned, he has no trust issues with his fiancee.

Shout out to Cian as well for the awesome attitude! That is a secure man right there, ladies and gents.

Who among us condones their SO attending an "overnight drink fest" alone?

I certainly don't, nor does my Fiance.

Going to a reunion or party and departing the same night is one thing, staying overnight is something else.

On the beach, no less. Is personal security not a factor here?

I do! I'll raise my hand.

If two people are in agreement then that's all good.....I'm not sat here trying to tell people that if a couple feels the same way, they are wrong. But this 'I don't feel comfy letting her drink on the beach' I think is a load of bollocks. Since when did you all morph into your SOs' fathers? If you trust them, doing anything is not a problem...my man could go on a stag do with a roomful of strippers and get pissed out of his head, but at the end of the day, I trust him...so if that's what he wants to do, then go to it.

These international relationships we're all in require a helluva lot of trust. Don't let it fail you all! And if it does, then that's a red flag imo peeps!

[Laura_and_IanM 0]

OOOOOOH great topic! So much to say!!

Why is it that people think that just cos someone's in a relationship that they have the right to control the other person? Big whoop, your 'friend's' fiancee is going to an overnight party. What's the probbo? Better her crash at a hotel or somewhere safe so she can enjoy herself without having to worry about arranging transport home. If your friend trusts his woman, then surely he should trust her enough to want her to go have a good time? I honestly don't see the problem here!

Yes, booze makes you less inhibited, sure...but it doesn't make you lose your mind altogether. The whole 'I was drunk' thing was and always will be a copout for doing what one wants

When you try to hold onto a butterfly, you can smother it or kill it.

I have a friend... (just go with this)

His fiancee recently went to a high school reunion (class of 94). The event went well and now they want to organize a beach party this coming Sunday. At least, that's how it started but now it's become an overnight event from Saturday night thru Sunday.

My friend is uncomfortable about it to say the least - given the fact that they are separated by long distance and haven't seen each other in months. At the reunion things got a little crazy - people were drinking and partying until 2am.

How would you handle this?

What is to handle really? What is your 'friend' so uncomfortable with? Her having a good time?

I agree - alcohol can do funny things.

I'd be concerned too - it's not so much about not trusting your loved one, but not trusting the other people at the party. An overnight thing would worry me, whether it had cause to or not.

No offense to you Christina, but I have to point out a peeve of mine....his fiancee is the only one he needs to trust...he cannot always need to trust every person she comes into contact with. She's a big girl, and if he trusts her, that's all he should need.

His fiancee doesn't normally drink, but about a month ago she was at a house warming party drinking vodka shots because she said she felt obliged to the host, then drove home. Luckily she made it home in one piece.

Your 'friend's' fiancee sounds like she's trying to justify not being responsible. 'I was trying to be polite' doesn't work in a situation like that unless she's 16. If she's a grown woman and drove there, she should know that 'I am driving' is the best reason to say no to booze....polite schmolite. She could have killed someone.

However, with this new bit of info I'd say it was even better that it turned into a two day thing so she doesn't feel too obligated to drink and drive again.

You are being insecure and paranoid. If she wants to party, let her party.

What's the problem?

Johnny, tell this man what he's won! DingDingDing!!!

My "friend" has a fiancee from England who will be attending a party in Wales on Halloween. My friend's fiancee will be dressed in a somewhat sexy manner (depending on your tastes....think "Morticia"), and has been known to drink too much at times. Since it is a bit of distance from London to Wales, and the fiancee doesn't drive, she will be staying at the host's house.

My "friend" has no reservations about it at all, and hopes that his fiancee has a good time at the party. He trusts her completely, and only regrets that he can't be at the party with her.

My friend doesn't worry about "what ifs" in regard to infidelity. Doing so implies a lack of trust, and as mentioned, he has no trust issues with his fiancee.

Shout out to Cian as well for the awesome attitude! That is a secure man right there, ladies and gents.

Who among us condones their SO attending an "overnight drink fest" alone?

I certainly don't, nor does my Fiance.

Going to a reunion or party and departing the same night is one thing, staying overnight is something else.

On the beach, no less. Is personal security not a factor here?

I do! I'll raise my hand.

If two people are in agreement then that's all good.....I'm not sat here trying to tell people that if a couple feels the same way, they are wrong. But this 'I don't feel comfy letting her drink on the beach' I think is a load of bollocks. Since when did you all morph into your SOs' fathers? If you trust them, doing anything is not a problem...my man could go on a stag do with a roomful of strippers and get pissed out of his head, but at the end of the day, I trust him...so if that's what he wants to do, then go to it.

These international relationships we're all in require a helluva lot of trust. Don't let it fail you all! And if it does, then that's a red flag imo peeps!

VERY WELL SAID LISA!!! I don't think anyone can top that....I think being in these international relationships are the greatest thing to come along since sliced bread as it really really tests your ability (or lack of) to trust. You learn to base your relationship on it and the hours upon hours of communication. Very well said....

LJ

[rebeccajo 14]

When it comes down to it isnt it always about trust??

Trust Schmust.

To all you out there always banging your gong - "I trust my SO they love me they would never hurt me" - well I hope like hell you are right. Cause if you are ever wrong you're gonna be sorely disappointed.

In the REAL WORLD the only person who's integrity you can ever rely upon is your OWN.

That's why these kinds of things are about maturity and not TRUST.

[Fandango 1,439]

When it comes down to it isnt it always about trust??

Trust Schmust.

To all you out there always banging your gong - "I trust my SO they love me they would never hurt me" - well I hope like hell you are right. Cause if you are ever wrong you're gonna be sorely disappointed.

In the REAL WORLD the only person who's integrity you can ever rely upon is your OWN.

That's why these kinds of things are about maturity and not TRUST.

Bollocks Becs. Sorry, but I disagree. What you're talking about is cynicism

Anyone who doesn't believe the statement in red shouldn't be getting married. Yes, it's idealistic and oversimplistic, but at the end of the day, IMO if you can't feel that about your SO, then you shouldn't be pledging your life to that person!!! Yes, this day and age people have been burned before and they're that much more cautious, but one relationship's probbos many times have nowt to do with it's predecessor's. It's called baggage...and if you can't put that baggage down where it belongs, well then it's going ruin a good thing because you're tarring one with the same brush as the other.

And guess what? If I ever AM disappointed (which I never will be cos I believe in him), well then I'll live. But from my pov...D deserves nowt less. It's part and parcel of doing business in the love game. Your balls are either all on the table or not Each one of us has one in the relationship who walked away from an entire life to be in this relationship, and we're gonna play the "i don't feel comfy with you doing summat you wanna do' How long you think THAT attitude is gonna be 'cute'?

'love like you've never been hurt, dance like no one is watching'

Edited October 4, 2006 by LisaD

[homesick_american 1]

When it comes down to it isnt it always about trust??

Trust Schmust.

To all you out there always banging your gong - "I trust my SO they love me they would never hurt me" - well I hope like hell you are right. Cause if you are ever wrong you're gonna be sorely disappointed.

In the REAL WORLD the only person who's integrity you can ever rely upon is your OWN.

That's why these kinds of things are about maturity and not TRUST.

I agree. I'm not particularly worried about my husband cheating on me or doing something else to hurt me, but I'm not naive enough to think that it couldn't ever happen simply because he loves me.

[rebeccajo 14]

When it comes down to it isnt it always about trust??

Trust Schmust.

To all you out there always banging your gong - "I trust my SO they love me they would never hurt me" - well I hope like hell you are right. Cause if you are ever wrong you're gonna be sorely disappointed.

In the REAL WORLD the only person who's integrity you can ever rely upon is your OWN.

That's why these kinds of things are about maturity and not TRUST.

Bollocks Becs. Sorry, but I disagree. What you're talking about is cynicism

Anyone who doesn't believe the statement in red shouldn't be getting married. Yes, it's idealistic and oversimplistic, but at the end of the day, IMO if you can't feel that about your SO, then you shouldn't be pledging your life to that person!!! Yes, this day and age people have been burned before and they're that much more cautious, but one relationship's probbos many times have nowt to do with it's predecessor's. It's called baggage...and if you can't put that baggage down where it belongs, well then it's going ruin a good thing because you're tarring one with the same brush as the other.

And guess what? If I ever AM disappointed (which I never will be cos I believe in him), well then I'll live. But from my pov...D deserves nowt less. It's part and parcel of doing business in the love game. Your balls are either all on the table or not Each one of us has one in the relationship who walked away from an entire life to be in this relationship, and we're gonna play the "i don't feel comfy with you doing summat you wanna do' How long you think THAT attitude is gonna be 'cute'?

'love like you've never been hurt, dance like no one is watching'

Lisa, re-read. The relevant part is in blue.

Of both our posts.

[Perseverance 1]

I relayed all of this to my friend to which he said he is very grateful for all the honest feedback from everyone here. He says you guys rock! He has good news that he and his fiancee worked out a compromise. She will go to the beach on Sunday.

Much appreciated! My friend says!

Great then no Worries.

[Fandango 1,439]

When it comes down to it isnt it always about trust??

Trust Schmust.

To all you out there always banging your gong - "I trust my SO they love me they would never hurt me" - well I hope like hell you are right. Cause if you are ever wrong you're gonna be sorely disappointed.

In the REAL WORLD the only person who's integrity you can ever rely upon is your OWN.

That's why these kinds of things are about maturity and not TRUST.

Bollocks Becs. Sorry, but I disagree. What you're talking about is cynicism

Anyone who doesn't believe the statement in red shouldn't be getting married. Yes, it's idealistic and oversimplistic, but at the end of the day, IMO if you can't feel that about your SO, then you shouldn't be pledging your life to that person!!! Yes, this day and age people have been burned before and they're that much more cautious, but one relationship's probbos many times have nowt to do with it's predecessor's. It's called baggage...and if you can't put that baggage down where it belongs, well then it's going ruin a good thing because you're tarring one with the same brush as the other.

And guess what? If I ever AM disappointed (which I never will be cos I believe in him), well then I'll live. But from my pov...D deserves nowt less. It's part and parcel of doing business in the love game. Your balls are either all on the table or not Each one of us has one in the relationship who walked away from an entire life to be in this relationship, and we're gonna play the "i don't feel comfy with you doing summat you wanna do' How long you think THAT attitude is gonna be 'cute'?

'love like you've never been hurt, dance like no one is watching'

Lisa, re-read. The relevant part is in blue.

Of both our posts.

Becs, I'm honestly confused as to why it's not about trust. I suppose we're both right...it's about trust AND maturity, but I really disagree with the fact that it's not based on trust.

[rebeccajo 14]

When it comes down to it isnt it always about trust??

Trust Schmust.

To all you out there always banging your gong - "I trust my SO they love me they would never hurt me" - well I hope like hell you are right. Cause if you are ever wrong you're gonna be sorely disappointed.

In the REAL WORLD the only person who's integrity you can ever rely upon is your OWN.

That's why these kinds of things are about maturity and not TRUST.

Bollocks Becs. Sorry, but I disagree. What you're talking about is cynicism

Anyone who doesn't believe the statement in red shouldn't be getting married. Yes, it's idealistic and oversimplistic, but at the end of the day, IMO if you can't feel that about your SO, then you shouldn't be pledging your life to that person!!! Yes, this day and age people have been burned before and they're that much more cautious, but one relationship's probbos many times have nowt to do with it's predecessor's. It's called baggage...and if you can't put that baggage down where it belongs, well then it's going ruin a good thing because you're tarring one with the same brush as the other.

And guess what? If I ever AM disappointed (which I never will be cos I believe in him), well then I'll live. But from my pov...D deserves nowt less. It's part and parcel of doing business in the love game. Your balls are either all on the table or not Each one of us has one in the relationship who walked away from an entire life to be in this relationship, and we're gonna play the "i don't feel comfy with you doing summat you wanna do' How long you think THAT attitude is gonna be 'cute'?

'love like you've never been hurt, dance like no one is watching'

Lisa, re-read. The relevant part is in blue.

Of both our posts.

Becs, I'm honestly confused as to why it's not about trust. I suppose we're both right...it's about trust AND maturity, but I really disagree with the fact that it's not based on trust.

Well, I don't think it's about right or wrong. I'm not trying to be right - we're both smart women, I like ya, and I'm not trying to cause a row about it.

I've just never seen the need to make a public announcement about trust. Or lecture someone else because they are struggling with it. If you're in a mature relationship the trust will be there. If you're having trust issues then maturity will help you resolve them.

[w¡n9Nµ7 §£@¥€r 123]

I haven't read all the responses on this thread (and I don't think I will) .. but Steven, you have two choices: let her go and pretend to be pleased about it OR have her wear a wire so you can listen in while she's at the party.

[Traviesa 0]

I have always learned that it's best not to put all your faith in an imperfect human being, because you will always be let down. All you can really worry about is yourself. If you're doing your part to keep the relationship healthy and strong, that's all you can do. As someone mentioned, you can't hold somebody so tightly in your hands. You will have to be secure that she loves you and will make her best efforts not to harm you. But like I said, people aren't perfect. I don't think her having to give up something she was happy about is the answer-or even cutting it in half-when you start giving up stuff like that in relationships, it plants the seeds of resentment.

[Fandango 1,439]

Becs, I'm honestly confused as to why it's not about trust. I suppose we're both right...it's about trust AND maturity, but I really disagree with the fact that it's not based on trust.

Well, I don't think it's about right or wrong. I'm not trying to be right - we're both smart women, I like ya, and I'm not trying to cause a row about it.

I've just never seen the need to make a public announcement about trust. Or lecture someone else because they are struggling with it. If you're in a mature relationship the trust will be there. If you're having trust issues then maturity will help you resolve them.

No, i'm not trying to fight either, and each of us obviously is coming from a different perspective, and it's not about 'right or wrong' but I think it needs to be a balance of trust and maturity. Sometimes it's easy to get caught up in the insecurities of an ldr, but it's best to be able to draw on that trust, and put the issue in perspective.

If you trust the person, then there's no reason for the partner to have to say 'I'm sorry I can't make it, my bf is uncomfortable with it'

Unless one is referring to an orgy or summat.

[rebeccajo 14]

Becs, I'm honestly confused as to why it's not about trust. I suppose we're both right...it's about trust AND maturity, but I really disagree with the fact that it's not based on trust.

Well, I don't think it's about right or wrong. I'm not trying to be right - we're both smart women, I like ya, and I'm not trying to cause a row about it.

I've just never seen the need to make a public announcement about trust. Or lecture someone else because they are struggling with it. If you're in a mature relationship the trust will be there. If you're having trust issues then maturity will help you resolve them.

No, i'm not trying to fight either, and each of us obviously is coming from a different perspective, and it's not about 'right or wrong' but I think it needs to be a balance of trust and maturity. Sometimes it's easy to get caught up in the insecurities of an ldr, but it's best to be able to draw on that trust, and put the issue in perspective.

If you trust the person, then there's no reason for the partner to have to say 'I'm sorry I can't make it, my bf is uncomfortable with it'

Unless one is referring to an orgy or summat.

If Wes is invited to an orgy, he better be letting me cum along....oops....

Wes was invited to this big birthday bash a buddy of his was having in August last year. It was gonna involve drinking and possibly an overnite stay. I'll admit I wasn't thrilled about it (yes I have issues) and I fessed up to him about that. I told him it was MY PROBLEM not his and I'd be fine with him going. I really didn't want him to miss is since he was going to be moving away. As it got closer to the event I kept encouraging him to try and make it. At the end of it all, he didn't go because he didn't have transportation.

SOOOOOOOOOOO....I've been in Steven's friends boat. I didn't make a fuss. I also owned up to my insecurity.

It's a pain trying to be a grownup.