I need a little bit of advice

[Henia 11]

Also, I don't know how your husband is, but mine will sometimes say things when he's upset that he doesn't really mean. For instance, I can see him saying "no, don't worry about coming to break fast, I'm fine." However, deep down, he really would want me to come by. He's done that before when we've been in a little spat. When we lived in Paris, I would offer to stop by his store to say hey while he was at work, and he would say "no, don't come out of your way, I'm busy." But I'd stop by with some dinner for him, and it's like the bad mood totally lifted off his shoulders.

MHandMB is right...MENA men are like that... they will say things that are not so clear, like they assume you have radar and are suppose to know what they need before they need them... I have found to my surprise and I am trying to find this talent in me...that MENA women are know and anticpate what their husbands wants before they asks for it... I am almost on that level with my husband, but still this *talent* needs work.

Just like yesterday, he called me at my women's meeting to ask me when it would be over... I said I did not know... then he told me ok, take your time...but what he really meant was ... I need you home right now! Hmmm so we all need to have some kind of ESP to decode these men

On a side note does this only apply to Muslim wives? I am just a regular one but I would think this thread could be for all wives?

I am sure this has nothing to do with Islam, but rather it is a cultural or gender issue... MENA men... cannot figure them out, but cannot live without them either Like my husband, who likes to *talk* with his eyes... he speaks very little to me, but lets me understand *everything* he wants from me from his eyes twinkling, faical expressions and smiles/frowns

Don't you wish men were as simple as us women?

Men in general are way more complex then women ( ya know that whole "I want to be the king" or "I want to be babied" thing) but it seems to me MENA men are waaaaaaaay more complex then most other men Hmmm I wonder if they come with a manual... hmm maybe we all should ask their mums for it

I don't know if I'll be much help, but I can offer what I learned from Mohammed. When he's in a for real bad mood and he specifically says NO he means it. He needs space. Its not personal against you. If anything, he's trying to spare you his attitude and sort things out for himself. I think this is a very male trait and from my experience maybe more so in ME/NA men. His work is a big part of his male identity, and when a woman tries to intercede, even though well-meaning, it can kind of be a blow to his ego as JP said.

I've found 2 things to be effective in being supportive. One is to just say "I understand you're really upset. I'm so sorry this happened. You know I believe in you and trust your decisions no matter what and I love you. When you need to talk about it I'm ready to listen to you." (That usually takes all of about a minute and a half, he just likes it to be his idea.) The other is to keep your concerns and advices to a minimum when he's "brooding". State them briefly and to the point. He knows where you stand. It's enough. After he's cool there's time for more talking.

I realize no 2 people move through the world and their relationships the same way, but I know this works well when my hot head is having a "man moment."

I think it helps them a lot to know you are quietly there for them, believing in them and completely open to anything they need from you. I know when I was with Mohammed and he was upset over something I would do my own thing but if I walked by him, I would just touch him or he looked to me I would smile, and eventually he would come and sit and spill his mind.

This is EXACTLY how my husband is. I find when he is in a bad mood, no matter what the reason the worst thing I can do is push it, or ask too many questions. When he is ready he comes around and tells me about it, then and only then do I offer any ideas. But I word it differently. Such as, what do you think about......do you think......etc. Get the point? ask their opinion, but only when they are receptive.

Don't you wish men were as simple as us women?

One thing I'm grateful for, we have developed a very open line of communication between us. Sometimes he'll just come right out and say "Don't be offended honey, but I'm really pissed off right now." Doesn't mean its at me... just means he's not on straight and he knows his temper. He doesn't want to end up blowing inappropriately at me (cuz then oh baby is he gonna pay). The conversations on the phone that just waste me go something like this:

"I'm not in a good mood."

"I know. What's wrong."

"Nothing. I don't want to talk about it."

"Ok."

*crickets chirping*

"I'm really pissed."

"Yes I know. If you want to talk about it, I'll listen."

"Thank you honey, but no I don't want to talk about it."

"Ok."

*More crickets*

Then he suddenly launches into about an hour long sermon about why he's in a bad mood, taking all of about 3 breaths, and when he's finally wound down he says:

"Gee, you always make me feel better honey."

uh, yeah.

Happy to be of service.

Ha ha.

Awwwwwww isn't love grande Jean? So strangely complex and tiring yet we cannot get enough?

[Together4ever 1]

Also, I don't know how your husband is, but mine will sometimes say things when he's upset that he doesn't really mean. For instance, I can see him saying "no, don't worry about coming to break fast, I'm fine." However, deep down, he really would want me to come by. He's done that before when we've been in a little spat. When we lived in Paris, I would offer to stop by his store to say hey while he was at work, and he would say "no, don't come out of your way, I'm busy." But I'd stop by with some dinner for him, and it's like the bad mood totally lifted off his shoulders.

MHandMB is right...MENA men are like that... they will say things that are not so clear, like they assume you have radar and are suppose to know what they need before they need them... I have found to my surprise and I am trying to find this talent in me...that MENA women are know and anticpate what their husbands wants before they asks for it... I am almost on that level with my husband, but still this *talent* needs work.

Just like yesterday, he called me at my women's meeting to ask me when it would be over... I said I did not know... then he told me ok, take your time...but what he really meant was ... I need you home right now! Hmmm so we all need to have some kind of ESP to decode these men

On a side note does this only apply to Muslim wives? I am just a regular one but I would think this thread could be for all wives?

I am sure this has nothing to do with Islam, but rather it is a cultural or gender issue... MENA men... cannot figure them out, but cannot live without them either Like my husband, who likes to *talk* with his eyes... he speaks very little to me, but lets me understand *everything* he wants from me from his eyes twinkling, faical expressions and smiles/frowns

Don't you wish men were as simple as us women?

Men in general are way more complex then women ( ya know that whole "I want to be the king" or "I want to be babied" thing) but it seems to me MENA men are waaaaaaaay more complex then most other men Hmmm I wonder if they come with a manual... hmm maybe we all should ask their mums for it

I don't know if I'll be much help, but I can offer what I learned from Mohammed. When he's in a for real bad mood and he specifically says NO he means it. He needs space. Its not personal against you. If anything, he's trying to spare you his attitude and sort things out for himself. I think this is a very male trait and from my experience maybe more so in ME/NA men. His work is a big part of his male identity, and when a woman tries to intercede, even though well-meaning, it can kind of be a blow to his ego as JP said.

I've found 2 things to be effective in being supportive. One is to just say "I understand you're really upset. I'm so sorry this happened. You know I believe in you and trust your decisions no matter what and I love you. When you need to talk about it I'm ready to listen to you." (That usually takes all of about a minute and a half, he just likes it to be his idea.) The other is to keep your concerns and advices to a minimum when he's "brooding". State them briefly and to the point. He knows where you stand. It's enough. After he's cool there's time for more talking.

I realize no 2 people move through the world and their relationships the same way, but I know this works well when my hot head is having a "man moment."

I think it helps them a lot to know you are quietly there for them, believing in them and completely open to anything they need from you. I know when I was with Mohammed and he was upset over something I would do my own thing but if I walked by him, I would just touch him or he looked to me I would smile, and eventually he would come and sit and spill his mind.

This is EXACTLY how my husband is. I find when he is in a bad mood, no matter what the reason the worst thing I can do is push it, or ask too many questions. When he is ready he comes around and tells me about it, then and only then do I offer any ideas. But I word it differently. Such as, what do you think about......do you think......etc. Get the point? ask their opinion, but only when they are receptive.

Don't you wish men were as simple as us women?

One thing I'm grateful for, we have developed a very open line of communication between us. Sometimes he'll just come right out and say "Don't be offended honey, but I'm really pissed off right now." Doesn't mean its at me... just means he's not on straight and he knows his temper. He doesn't want to end up blowing inappropriately at me (cuz then oh baby is he gonna pay). The conversations on the phone that just waste me go something like this:

"I'm not in a good mood."

"I know. What's wrong."

"Nothing. I don't want to talk about it."

"Ok."

*crickets chirping*

"I'm really pissed."

"Yes I know. If you want to talk about it, I'll listen."

"Thank you honey, but no I don't want to talk about it."

"Ok."

*More crickets*

Then he suddenly launches into about an hour long sermon about why he's in a bad mood, taking all of about 3 breaths, and when he's finally wound down he says:

"Gee, you always make me feel better honey."

uh, yeah.

Happy to be of service.

Ha ha.

Awwwwwww isn't love grande Jean? So strangely complex and tiring yet we cannot get enough?

I'm such a basket case today I can't even go there. Ha ha. Another teary desk at the desk kicking myself for being such an *ssh*ole. (There Sarah, now you don't even need to comment. Trust me I annoy myself far more then I annoy you.)

[Henia 11]

It is ok Jean, I am basketcase with you... I AM WITH MY MAN, yet I find myself crying for no reason various times in the day thinking about when I have to leave and my daughter... Snaaaaps... where is Jamie to tell me to shut up!

PLZZZZZZZ someone tell me to "Stuff it" ...

[Mrs. Forgetful 2]

On a side note does this only apply to Muslim wives? I am just a regular one but I would think this thread could be for all wives?

I had the same exact thought before I posted here and if you only wanted the advice of Muslim women then I'm sorry for posting I just figured you would want all points of view. If not i retract my post..can we do that?

That's why I haven't posted.

I'm sorry ladies! I didn't mean just wives who are muslim, I meant to say wives of ME/NA men. I was a little off writing this yesterday, sorry. Didn't mean to make you feel left out.

Mrs. Forgetful,

I have one word for you PRIDE. That's a very big issue with ME men. They've so much pride that it really gets in the middle of the things and doesn't make things easy. I have been dealing with one for 2 years now. You just have to let him be for a while. He needs to be in charge then he'll come around. They always do.

Good luck. I hope everything works for you.

One thing though, comfort him... not with words... they always say a way to a man's heart is through his stomach ... it shows you care for him and you're there.

Best wishes,

Yasi

Well I let him stew for a while when he got home and I started to cook pumpkin soup. Well I ended up splattering a whole bunch of extremely hot soup on my arn and my arm is badly burnt. It's blistering, but the pain has subsided. He laughed about it, before I made him clean up the kitchen. But yeah, I must say the food made him feel better.

[Together4ever 1]

It is ok Jean, I am basketcase with you... I AM WITH MY MAN, yet I find myself crying for no reason various times in the day thinking about when I have to leave and my daughter... Snaaaaps... where is Jamie to tell me to shut up!

PLZZZZZZZ someone tell me to "Stuff it" ...

Well, I won't tell you to stuff it! I was away from mine too and it killed me. If you need to talk you can message me any time. Hugs.

[doodlebug 3]

What about when you give them sound advice and they don't pay attention to it yet they still complain about the situation at hand?????

I feel bad talking about it knowing that he is grieving so badly right now but last night he talked to me and was in a lot of pain (before his father died) because his sisters told him that they want nothing to do with him. The place they live is owned by the gov't I guess and they live there due to their father, who as of this morning has died. He is the only son and has two sisters, 21 and 25, so he is supposed to be responsible for them. Well they refused him. They have refused him since the father had a heart attack two weeks ago and he keeps at it with them and they finally said that they will not live with him once the father dies and they need to move. Well that time has come now. I told him last night that he has done all he can and that because they refused him there is no shame in his getting his own flat now. He just cried and cried. He has lived with them for 34 years and has never even eaten anyone else's food up until two days ago.

He won't take my advice and just sat and cried. Finally I said I had to go because it was getting late and I had to put the kids to bed. I feel just awful but I mean he won't listen. I know the oldest son is supposed to be in charge but they are treating him like a doormat and it's so very hard to watch, you know??

OK......sorry for bogartin' the thread, but it kind of goes along with the topic a wee bit.

[morocco4ever 63]

What about when you give them sound advice and they don't pay attention to it yet they still complain about the situation at hand?????

I feel bad talking about it knowing that he is grieving so badly right now but last night he talked to me and was in a lot of pain (before his father died) because his sisters told him that they want nothing to do with him. The place they live is owned by the gov't I guess and they live there due to their father, who as of this morning has died. He is the only son and has two sisters, 21 and 25, so he is supposed to be responsible for them. Well they refused him. They have refused him since the father had a heart attack two weeks ago and he keeps at it with them and they finally said that they will not live with him once the father dies and they need to move. Well that time has come now. I told him last night that he has done all he can and that because they refused him there is no shame in his getting his own flat now. He just cried and cried. He has lived with them for 34 years and has never even eaten anyone else's food up until two days ago.

He won't take my advice and just sat and cried. Finally I said I had to go because it was getting late and I had to put the kids to bed. I feel just awful but I mean he won't listen. I know the oldest son is supposed to be in charge but they are treating him like a doormat and it's so very hard to watch, you know??

OK......sorry for bogartin' the thread, but it kind of goes along with the topic a wee bit.

I am so sorry to hear this! Don't think he isn't listening to you, he is. Its just too much for him to handle right now with everything going on. Just be there for him, listen to him. Once his head is on straight again he will come to terms with the situation and will be able to sort out what needs to be done. You have done a great job just simply by being there for him.

My brother in law died just this last time I was there. It was a horribly stressful situation for all. All I could do was be there for him, for hugs, kisses, and just holding him. Thank God I was there.

Edited October 4, 2006 by Morocco4ever

[jordanianprincess 0]

Just one thing to remember, advice is just that. Doodle I don't think Usama wants advice right now, he just wants to vent. All you need to give him is your shoulder.

[UmmSqueakster 54]

Well, I don't know if I'm a good wife, but here's what I have come to realize - ME/NA men are stubborn. Well, at least mine is. And, I'm stubborn too. Two stubborn people together makes oodles of problems.

So, I advise, and even if I think I know better, after I advise, I back off and let him go his own way. Now, if it were a decision that could put us in financial ruins or otherwise majorly screw us over, I wouldn't back off. But, for most things, I'm now just saying my piece and letting it be. Of course, I try to say my piece in the most convincing way possible, but it's still just advise.

Of course, it took me a year of living with him to figure this out Here's to hoping the second year goes a wee bit more smoothly.

[jordanianprincess 0]

Well, I don't know if I'm a good wife, but here's what I have come to realize - ME/NA men are stubborn. Well, at least mine is. And, I'm stubborn too. Two stubborn people together makes oodles of problems.

So, I advise, and even if I think I know better, after I advise, I back off and let him go his own way. Now, if it were a decision that could put us in financial ruins or otherwise majorly screw us over, I wouldn't back off. But, for most things, I'm now just saying my piece and letting it be. Of course, I try to say my piece in the most convincing way possible, but it's still just advise.

Of course, it took me a year of living with him to figure this out Here's to hoping the second year goes a wee bit more smoothly.

The first year of marriage is always the hardest Congrats on one year!

[UmmSqueakster 54]

The first year of marriage is always the hardest Congrats on one year!

Thanks It was definately harder than the whole visa process!

Another thought that popped into my mind in terms of advice, etc. Tamer has very firmly stated that he doesn't want me to be his mother. It's natural to feel overly protective, especially when our husbands are immigrants, new to this country, kinda lost, but do everything in your power to squash that motherly urge.

[jordanianprincess 0]

The first year of marriage is always the hardest Congrats on one year!

Thanks It was definately harder than the whole visa process!

Another thought that popped into my mind in terms of advice, etc. Tamer has very firmly stated that he doesn't want me to be his mother. It's natural to feel overly protective, especially when our husbands are immigrants, new to this country, kinda lost, but do everything in your power to squash that motherly urge.

Haha, that reminds me of my fiance. Whenever I get too fiesty he says, "whos the man in this relationship?"

[sarah and hicham 3]

I'm such a basket case today I can't even go there. Ha ha. Another teary desk at the desk kicking myself for being such an *ssh*ole. (There Sarah, now you don't even need to comment. Trust me I annoy myself far more then I annoy you.)

Jean was this really necessary? What did I do or say now to have you say this to me? I found this to be really rude, sorry.

Sarah

[Together4ever 1]

I'm such a basket case today I can't even go there. Ha ha. Another teary desk at the desk kicking myself for being such an *ssh*ole. (There Sarah, now you don't even need to comment. Trust me I annoy myself far more then I annoy you.)

Jean was this really necessary? What did I do or say now to have you say this to me? I found this to be really rude, sorry.

Sarah

Well, again, it was somewhat tongue in cheek and not meant to stir drama. The last time I mentioned being emotional here you had a lot to say about how "annoying" I am. Try not to be so sensitive. It was a harmless rib. If you go back and look again, you'll see I was trying to have a bit of a sense of a humor about it. It was not intended to be "rude". If you want to speak more about this, lets do so privately and leave the thread clean. And smile.

[sarah and hicham 3]

I'm such a basket case today I can't even go there. Ha ha. Another teary desk at the desk kicking myself for being such an *ssh*ole. (There Sarah, now you don't even need to comment. Trust me I annoy myself far more then I annoy you.)

Jean was this really necessary? What did I do or say now to have you say this to me? I found this to be really rude, sorry.

Sarah

Well, again, it was somewhat tongue in cheek and not meant to stir drama. The last time I mentioned being emotional here you had a lot to say about how "annoying" I am. Try not to be so sensitive. It was a harmless rib. If you go back and look again, you'll see I was trying to have a bit of a sense of a humor about it. It was not intended to be "rude". If you want to speak more about this, lets do so privately and leave the thread clean. And smile.

This is rediculous. First of all I did send you a PM about it. Secondly Jean I'm sorry but I don't see any indication that you were just joking around, especially since you have never joked with me before and seem to take my comments to be 100% against you all the time. Why are you telling me to keep this off the thread whe you came out of nowhere and posted such an uncalled for comment? Try not to be so sensitive? That's rich. Also, last time you were being sensitive I was not the only one commenting about it so why did you choose to direct this towards me and no one else? I went back and read everything and I don't see any indication that you were joking around with me... strange... it still seems rude. Please don't come back nd pretend you are joking after I called you out on something rude.