kennard's various jokes

[Dan & Jenni 457]

hahaha

[Hank_ 9,174]

Now that is good!

[Trav&Shell 83]

LOL!!!! That's awesome!

[Nica_In_Love 98]

This is great!! :lol:

[sjr09 155]

If you think english is a crazy language, try our pidgin english language here in Hawaii

[X Factor 1,112]

I laugh everytime I read Pidgeon English.

[X Factor 1,112]

Why I fired my secretary

I woke up early, feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought,

"I'm another year older," but decided to make the best of it. So I showered and

shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big

kiss and say, "Happy birthday, dear." All smiles, I went in to breakfast, and

there sat my wife, reading her newspaper, as usual. She didn't say one word. So

I got myself a cup of coffee, made some toast and thought to myself, "Oh well,

she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes, smiling and happy, and they

will sing 'Happy Birthday' and have a nice gift for me." There I sat, enjoying

my coffee, and I waited. Finally, the kids came running into the kitchen,

yelling, "Give me a slice of toast! I'm late! Where is my coat? I'm going to

miss the bus!" Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office.

When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a great big smile

and a cheerful "Happy birthday, boss." She then asked if she could get me some

coffee. Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better.

Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said, "Since

it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together?" Thinking it would make

me feel better, I said, "That's a good idea." So we locked up the office, and

since it was my birthday, I said, "Why don't we drive out of town and have

lunch in the country instead of going to the usual place?" So we drove out of

town and went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and a

nice lunch. We started driving back to town, when my secretary said, "Why don't

we go to my place, and I will fix you another martini." It sounded like a good

idea, since we didn't have much to do in the office. So we went to her

apartment, and she fixed us some martinis. After a while, she said, "If you

will excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable," and she

left the room.

In a few minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big

birthday cake. Following her were my wife and all my kids. And there I sat with

nothing on but my socks.

The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"

The student replied, "Here's an orange."

The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"

The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him `I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"

[mounir412 101]

[X Factor 1,112]

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where

a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the

entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the

attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular

floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down

except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good

looking and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I

can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help

with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so

tempted to stay,

but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on

this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible

to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store !

THE WIFE STORE

A new wives store opened across the street.

The first floor has women that love sex.

The second floor has women that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

I Should Have Taken the Money

The college faculty gathered for their weekly meeting. A professor of archeology brought with him a lamp recently unearthed in the Middle East. It was reported to contain a genie, who, when the lamp was rubbed would appear and grant one wish.

A professor of philosophy was particularly intrigued. He grabbed the lamp and rubbed it vigorously. Suddenly a genie appeared and made him an offer. He could choose one of three rewards: wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the philosophy professor selected wisdom. "Done!" said the genie and disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

All the other faculty members turned toward the professor, who sat surrounded by a halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispered, "Say something. What wise insight do you now have?"

The professor, much wiser now, sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."

[Ban Hammer 13,551]

[aaydrian 479]

Where's the option for more wishes?

[X Factor 1,112]

Collard Greens

An old man in the south lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his yearly collard green garden, but it was always very hard work for him because the ground was hard. His only son, Junebug Jenkins, III, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Junebug

Jenkins, III,

I am feeling pretty bad because it look like I won't be able to plant my collard green garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love

Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Daddy Jenkins,

Whatever you do, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.

Love Junebug

Jenkins, III

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Daddy

Jenkins,

You can go ahead and plant the collard greens now. That's the best I could do under the

circumstances.

Love Junebug, III

Generous lawyer

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

[TBoneTX 46,125]

The student replied, "Here's an orange."

A young man burst into a psychiatrist's office. "Doctor, doctor!" he said. "My brother thinks he's an orange!"

"Fascinating!" said the psychiatrist. "I must meet with your brother."

"OK," said the young man. "Just a second while I take him out of my pocket."