Happy Couple turned to Unhappy

[BraveAmnay 56]

My husband and I dated for over a year before we were married 75% of it was spent apart waiting on the visa. We were very happy and spoke all the time and had a healthy relationship. When he finally was approved and moved here things fell off. He told me that he was homesick 2 days after being here. I didn't understand it. He had been here the whole summer and spent plenty of time here, he knew what he was getting into. He finally got approved to work and started making friends and joined a football team. But our marriage is falling apart. We barely speak. We barely know each other. When we do talk its fighting. He started texting another woman, denies a relationship with her says they are just friends. I'm unsure what to believe but it is tearing me up inside. He told me if things do not start changing between us, we will not last. I agree. I told him if things do not work out, he has to go home. He got mad at me because he wants to stay here!!!

What should I do?

Is there anyone out there that feels the same?

Please help me.

Sorry heard that ;this soemthing can happen that is why its much better know where you put your feet.Things i find weird ,at first he said homesick then he got mad coz you said if things does nto work he need back hom as u said he wnat stay there ;anotehr things u said he text somone else ;he told u we are just freind i do nto see anyoine will say soemthing i mean he will not say she is my gf and i do lvoe her and want be with her,and aslo i do nto want you rush in conclusion ,be patient and aldo figured out how to catch him that maybe he is cheaitn on you.there is many way to know how he is wiht you ,whne he got phone call he go anotehr room if he hodl always his phoen with him,if he stay late or back home late,and also your intimate time if he is like before i hink you unerstand what i mean ;and if you go on like there mnything u cna find know excately what he is doing sorry make things hard for you but ,honestly i hate poepl who use other for soemthign .God luck like i said be careful and do nto rush

[G&D 51]

Does anyone other than me find it strange and a bit sad that topics such as this get 100 times more responses than those topics in which someone is looking for immigration help???

Is VJ turning into the Facebook of immigration websites??...God I hope not....

Just saying, you know.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

In the meantime, you could try sending him off to work with a smile every morning with some bedroom olympics, a good breakfast and a home packed lunch. Then send flirty texts throughout the day and finally prepare him a great dinner and to cap the evening off, try and drive him through the bed again before saying goodnight. Go to some of his club games, surprise him at work with an extra snack, etc, etc. If he's not interested in any of this, then you'll have to come to the logical conclusion that he's just not that into you. Life is way too short to spend too much of it(meaning 6 or more months, not a couple of weeks) unhappy, trying to repair something that is not repairable. Good luck to you!

I did not know she was Ukrainian.

Does anyone other than me find it strange and a bit sad that topics such as this get 100 times more responses than those topics in which someone is looking for immigration help???

Is VJ turning into the Facebook of immigration websites??...God I hope not....

Just saying, you know.

It is like reality TV

I have to stay out of here, I really do.

[Andrea&Henry 311]

The first year of any marriage is always a tough one. The first year of a marriage where the couple has been focused on dealing with long distance and immigration issues can be even tougher as you no longer have that unifying focus and have to start developing the closer relationship based upon other issues. All relationships evolve - some bringing the couple closer together and some, unfortunately, moving them apart, whether they are from a long distance relationship or with the boy/girl next door.

Homesickness is a big issue. There is a finality about knowing you no longer have a home back 'home' and you are suddenly faced with a transition to a new life. Even if you have been in the US for a while as a visitor, there is still that unexpected sense of loss which creates a huge wave of homesickness. For some people it happens fairly early on; for others it may even take a year or two to sink in.

I honestly think the best thing the two of you can do at this stage is to find a marriage counselor with whom you can meet and discuss some of the issues that are coming between the two of you. You both need to find a way to discuss your differing expectations of each other, the relationship and even of ourselves in the relationship. A good marriage can be hard work - it doesn't just happen - and sometimes a knowledgeable marriage counselor is the best way to learn what works best for your unique relationship.

Good luck. While there are immigration implications with your situation, t think the real focus should be on the relationship itself, and not on immigration at this point of time..

IM TOTALLY AGREE! Best advice so far...Im the beneficiary of my k1 process, despite Im madly in love with my fiance, sometimes I'm scare of dealing with a whole new life. Not only as a future marry woman but also, because Im leaving my country, my loveones, my culture, my frieds, my job and everythig I know so far. Sometimes, the biggest sacrifice its made by the beneficiary, Im not saying that the petitioner have it easy but at least is more less complicated. You've (and ALL petitioners) must be patient, is normal to be homesick, feel like an outsider. Im also a psychologist and Im scare! hahaha! WE all here know how stressful and exhausting can be an inmigration process plus a whole new life plus been marry: take a marriage counselor and be patient and give him a chance.

God bless u and I hope you fid the way to make things workout

[Andrea&Henry 311]

Does anyone other than me find it strange and a bit sad that topics such as this get 100 times more responses than those topics in which someone is looking for immigration help???

Is VJ turning into the Facebook of immigration websites??...God I hope not....

Just saying, you know.

This site was made to help everyone whose is in a inmigrant process... we are here to support each other...is she dealing with an inmigrant process? YES, is she having problem related to her inmigrant process? YES. Im not agree that this site is a gossig page, and since I got here, everybody get their responses and the help they're looking for. Just, some topics are more ppular than others. That's it

[Helen Louise Pile 80]

screw dat.. i think most of these replies are from beneficiaries.. i mean i understand homesick, but dang, it shouldnt be a reason or excuse.. im a guy and a petitioner.. shld a petitioner be future sick? cuz i knw hw much of one's future gets put on hold while goin thru visa process.. as a matter of fact a beneficiary continues their life in their country until they get visa meanwhile a petitioners future is on hold right from NOA1.. and flirting wit a girl is not a sign of missin home.. unless dats wat he was doin then... yah, dnt hld da GC over his head.. but dnt settle for hmesick each time.. both couples nd to knw sacrifices comes from both sides.. otherwise, why da heck do couples tell each other "i will be with u no matter where and how".. luk for signs..okay, marriages are difficult but distrust is sign of danger.

You won't understand until you're further into this process.

Both of your futures get put on hold, yes. But when your fiance arrives is the beginning of the process, and many people feel like it's the end after all that waiting.

Of course the OP's husband flirting is unacceptable and most people who empathize with him would not condone that. But his difficulty settling in is something that most of us have experienced and having a supportive spouse can make all the difference. You can make things better or worse for your fiance, you don't need to be future sick, just ready to deal with issues that arise. Like: will your fiance be able to drive in your state right away? Do you have a car or is there other transportation for them? Will they be able to volunteer or find something to do every day while they wait for their EAD/AOS? Do they speak English? Do you have friends who will be welcoming and supportive and spend time with them while you have to work? Where are they going to make their own friends? Is there going to be an adjustment living together, have you lived together before?

I did a K1 also and adjusting to your new life when it can't really start yet because you are unable to work is tough. I'd lived with my fiance for years before we moved, I speak English, I had a car and I spent my time volunteering and I still had a hard time settling in! That phase is normal and difficult and my husband made it all much easier for me. It seems like the OP might not have been prepared for that and her husband may resent that. I hope they can work it out.

Best of luck with your process too.

[bigdog 376]

I agree take a vacation, a cruise where you can relax, go to the spa together, good luck.

[pinaypo 4]

Life is short and tough,you've gotta be strong enough to live. Living somewhere far from the "home" you've always known,is too difficult .The adjustment process is very scary,but deciding to be with someone forever,everyone tried to fight anything to survive. My husband and I were in a relationship for 3 years;between those years I convince him constantly to live with me in my country after we are married. It is because I can't see myself far from home, but I was asking for the most impossible thing at that time; because he knew if live here in the state we can build a family of our own and provide them a better life and security. It doesn't make any sense to me that time, I did one thing horrible to break our relationship,because I thought if he loves me he is willing to live in my country. He did everything to win me and fought the heartache. That is when I realize "this guy" really loves me,and I am so selfish for trying to get my way. So I decided to live here with him and build a life,ups and downs in a relationships especially the first year, but he is always here who tried to keep me sane. Now we are stuck each other, and I can't last a day without him!. Just be more patient,if you both love each other everything will be fine. Communication is the key.

[rlogan 2,036]

I will never completely understand the sacrifices my fiance has made to have me there.

We do. It isn't very difficult. Neither of us sees any reason to get all dramatic about it. I moved seven times by age 26 and she had moved four times. Many of the same things can be said about long moves even within your own country. Naturally you will try to say I am pretending it is the same thing, which I am not. Just pointing out that some people choose to make a big deal about giving up local friends, family, employment, etc. while others do not.

There is a large expatriot community of Americans in the Philippines. I'll be one of them. I already built a house there. (I do construction). You don't see these retirees creating all this drama about moving there. Neither will I. Why is that?

First, because there's nobody to manipulate over it. You can't go to your spouse and make them feel like they owe you. Because you moved for economic reasons. But secondly because older people have gotten over dramatizing things like younger people tend to do.

I acknowledge the depression that can come with moving to a new country, and I've done it more than once in this thread. But what we find is that some people can't get off that broken record, wanting that dramatic song played over and over again, not wanting to hear anything else.

Just glad I didn't decide to marry someone who lacks the empathy and love that one would expect from any spouse.

Heh. Manipulative attacks don't work on me. What it does do though is prove how the person performing the dramatic martyr act over moving is also the person who is manipulative in argumentation.

So one's homesickness or lack-there-of is indicative of their fidelity?

You can't possibly have missed numerous people including the OP and myself speaking to the texting with this other female, which I termed "potential" infidelity. So there has to be another reason, like just being difficult. I have to emphasize "potential" with you because you have demonstrated a propensity to take things out of context and dramatize them as much as possible.

I'm glad this has given us the chance to stop being so one sided about this. It is one thing to be homesick, but another thing entirely to be manipulative and hold this over your spouses head in order to make them feel more obligated to you.

This is not something that an immigrant should do: be manipulative by continually throwing in your spouses face how much you gave up by moving here. Express your feelings openly, sure. But never use it as a weapon.

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

The person you are quoting isn't fighting with you. Why are you fighting with her?

[Fandango 1,440]

To me, it doesn't sound like he wants therapy...it sounds like a threat. 'change or we won't last'

I'm not about to form a solid opinion based on a few posts...but I'm inclined to feel that a lot of peeps overromanticize the immigration process. Their problems won't be solved with a weekend cruise.

OP, trust your gut. If you think there's a bigger problem at play, then address that with him. As it has been said before, it's not fair to hold his immigration status over his head. But if you think he's cheating, hire a detective, get the phone number out of his phone and do an intelius report. Get the full name of the person the phone acct belongs to, then do a background check on that name. It will give you addresses. Then if you have a gut feeling, and he's not home...drive past the house. Then you'll have your answer.

Good luck.

[kytwell 179]

[dukeandduchess 141]

This is not something that an immigrant should do: be manipulative by continually throwing in your spouses face how much you gave up by moving here. Express your feelings openly, sure. But never use it as a weapon.

The only reason I expressed that the beneficiary is giving up a lot by moving is because it sounds like she has no understanding or empathy for her spouse given his situation. If you want to believe that's dramatic and manipulative that's your prerogative. I'm just pointing out that OP sounds like she is not very sensitive to his situation, which she clearly said herself. Case closed.

You're absolutely right. NO ONE should manipulate someone by throwing in "how much you gave up by moving here". Just as OP should not throw "you have to leave if we aren't getting along" in her spouses face. They are equally manipulative, which you don't seem to recognize given your stand point.

Your veiled attacks don't really bother me because none of them apply to me. I'm sorry you feel how I illustrated my point was dramatic and manipulative but I was simply showing *WHY* her spouse may feel out of sorts, not that she should cower and bow before him because he sacrificed "so much". As I've said multiple times, she needs to be more understanding.

Yes, there is a potential for infidelity but I feel its unfair to just go "Yeah, he's texting a girl he's clearly cheating" when you have no idea if that is the case. Maybe he made a new friend that is a bit more sympathetic. I have male friends that I text but that doesn't mean I'm cheating. That said, I'm totally open with my fiance about my friendships and wouldn't be upset to talk to him about it.

I agree with your point, I'm not arguing with you. I'm simply saying there is more to this situation.

Edit: I'm not going to continue playing ####### for tat. It's pointless. OP, I hope you consider both opinions before you rush to make any decisions.

Edited February 16, 2012 by dukeandduchess

[Fandango 1,440]

If that's directed at me, I wouldn't say I'm a jealous person at all, nor was my post based in thinking she was jealous either.

A wife has a right to know, and I'm of the notion that it's inappropriate for a spouse to form a new bond of friendship with someone of the opposite sex, without including the spouse as well. And if she needs to search for the answers, she needs to be tactical about it.

just my .02 *shrug*

[rika60607 215]

And this will prove exactly nothing.

"Honey, we are just friends and she asked me to help her with her computer problem blah blah blah I did not tell you because I was afraid you'd be angry". And who knows, it could be true.

If he's a bad guy, accusations of infidelity and immigration status threats will do nothing, but alert him. If he's a good guy, baseless accusations of infidelity and immigration status threats are damage to the relationship which is very hard to repair.

... Then if you have a gut feeling, and he's not home...drive past the house. Then you'll have your answer.

Good luck.