Heartbroken :(

[Up and Away 10]

You are not overreacting at all.

I know it's really hard to do, but you have to try to be as rational, logical, and calm as possible, especially when you talk to him. If you cry or yell at him or forbid him or say hurtful things to him --and believe me, I think he deserves all that and much worse-- then he will tune you out. Everything you say and do will push him towards this girl. He will think of her as an escape from you, IN MY OPINION.

When you can be calm and rational, you should approach him for a real talk. Don't "confront him" with more evidence. You're not a lawyer in court. You are his wife and you deserve to be treated with respect and honesty. Don't swear or insult her or call anyone names --again, you want to the upperhand here, and if you lose your calm, you will lose control of the conversation.

Tell him how you feel and what you need from him. Tell him that you love him but you also need to trust him.

All of this is just my opinion, obvs. I also believe that in the long term it never works to forbid a spouse from hanging out with another person. It might work in the short term but ultimately it's not a good foundation for a long-lasting, healthy relationship. I have trouble with this myself b/c my first reaction is to forbid!

Good luck.

[bigdog 376]

Does not look good to me.

[Amby 490]

is this girl and your husband muslim, by any chance? does your husband want to add to his marriage? I pray this isn't the case, as polygamy is illegal in the USA.

lol you crack me up!

[keysjangle 145]

It does no good to tell him he isn't allowed to be in contact or see her. It will only make him want to do it more out of spite (because no one likes being controlled.)

Sit him down and have a frank discussion. Tell him you are concerned and hurt, and want the honest truth. Tell him that if she is important to him, you would like to meet her. Don't get angry or spaz out. Stay cool and collected and see where it goes. The only thing that sounds sketchy is that he is hiding it, and it's probably because he knows you'll flip. If you act maturely about it, I'm sure you'll discover it isn't as bad as it seems.

I have many male friends, most of them are actually. My husband has met them all, even the ones he used to get irked about. The situation did a 180 after he met everyone and saw that we are honest to goodness friends.

[EmelyNJoel 43]

Men and women can be friends? Not if he finds them attractive, or unless the man is gay, in which case he's probably interested in your husband.

Men can be faithful to their partners. But don't confuse being faithful, from not being attracted. If a straight guy is hanging out with an attractive (to him) woman for any length of time, it's because he sees her as a potential conquest. Period. Either actively, or being groomed for future conquest.

I understand this isn't the politically correct answer, but only someone who is trying to misdirect you will tell you anything different.

I have never cheated on a girlfriend in my life, a fact of which I'm very proud.

But the only women who were only friends from my standpoint, were ones I didn't find attractive.

The people who are saying the issue is lying or minimizing are right on the money. This is the biggest issue. The man may have trouble cutting ties from former flames or girls in the bullpen, but tough.

You won the race. There are no more tryouts for the team.

Marital counseling possibly? He needs to understand this is an issue. Even if there is no cheating. Honesty is the key!

[keysjangle 145]

Why are people so convinced every guy friend is out to bag their female friends? How narrow minded. Sure, many guys do this, but there are also many cut from a better cloth who just enjoy the companionship. This fear has lead to so many unnecessary fights. If this is the case, I'm also wildly attracted to all my guy friends, so in reality our friendships are a cover for our passionate, hidden lustful feelings for each other. Please

Edited February 8, 2012 by Gervl

[Orando 57]

Why are people so convinced every guy friend is out to bag their female friends? How narrow minded. Sure, many guys do this, but there are also many cut from a better cloth who just enjoy the companionship. This fear has lead to so many unnecessary fights. If this is the case, I'm also wildly attracted to all my guy friends, so in reality our friendships are a cover for our passionate, hidden lustful feelings for each other. Please

Well, it is not every female friend, just the ones a man is attracted too that are of concern.....his heart, mind and soul may not want to bag them, but naturally, his body may want it, just because a man gets married, it does not stop the natural laws of attraction....

I would wager you are not attracted to these females that you have "companionship" with, if you are, I would offer words of caution...given the right situation, right circumstances, attraction, a willing female....and, well....that is how an affair begins....

Personally, I do not develop friendships with women I am attracted to (with the exception of my wife of course), I keep them as conocidos, acquittances, just my personal rule to keep me away from dangerous roads. I am not attracted to any of my female friends, they are truly, just friends, when my wife gets to the US, I will be happy to introduce her to them. Just sayin....the situation the OP describes is sketchy at best....not the way a guy behaves with a female that is just a "friend"...

Edited February 8, 2012 by Orando

[keysjangle 145]

It's like people are scared to have good looking friends? Are you really so unsure of your own willpower (as a grown adult, no less) that you have to avoid certain females? This says very scary things about how you view yourself as a man in this world, and in your own body. No man can ever stop looking at other women (if he says he does, he is lying) and neither can any woman (so is she.) The difference is the ability to go from thought to action. Just because I see an attractive man, it does not mean I am ready to assume missionary position. Trying to deny these thoughts is weird, in my opinion. Is it not better to gracefully accept that we are on this earth genetically programmed to procreate, but that we thankfully have our brains to sort out the ooga booga urges from the more civlized ones? And if the female makes a move on a married or otherwise committed male, it is HIS responsibility to put a stop to the behaviour. If he has a half functioning brain and even the slightest amount of decency, he will know which decision is the correct one.

Side note: I would imagine it's very insulting for a lot of guys to be included in this gross, sweeping generalization that they can only be friends with girls they wish to engage sexually.

Edited February 8, 2012 by Gervl

[Orando 57]

It's like people are scared to have good looking friends? Are you really so unsure of your own willpower (as a grown adult, no less) that you have to avoid certain females? This says very scary things about how you view yourself as a man in this world, and in your own body. No man can ever stop looking at other women (if he says he does, he is lying) and neither can any woman (so is she.) The difference is the ability to go from thought to action. Just because I see an attractive man, it does not mean I am ready to assume missionary position. Trying to deny these thoughts is weird, in my opinion. Is it not better to gracefully accept that we are on this earth genetically programmed to procreate, but that we thankfully have our brains to sort out the ooga booga urges from the more civlized ones? And if the female makes a move on a married or otherwise committed male, it is HIS responsibility to put a stop to the behaviour. If he has a half functioning brain and even the slightest amount of decency, he will know which decision is the correct one.

Side note: I would imagine it's very insulting for a lot of guys to be included in this gross, sweeping generalization that they can only be friends with girls they wish to engage sexually.

I hear you, best hopes to you, to each his own, I have witnessed some of my buddys have affairs, read and heard about many more, having close companionships with persons of the opposite sex that they are attracted too (Calling, texting, doing lunch, having drinks etc) never lead to anything good, I have yet to witness a marriage (monogamous) where this has lead to anything good, but best hopes with that for you, anyways, my wife would not have any of that, I knew that going in, that would push her to her limits, I can just imagine my wife now with me having "companionship" with a hotty, yeah right, jejejejeje....

Edited February 8, 2012 by Orando

[keysjangle 145]

The reason men fall into affairs is because they listen to their johnsons before their brains. Whose fault is that? Their own. Who could have made a smart decision? Them. Men (and women) with no self control are the ones who cheat. It's very sad that some people in this day and age don't have the power to just say "no" to their genitals.

I don't think a past history of foolish men should be the reason that you avoid friendships with good looking women. Are you not able to control yourself? It is your body, it doesn't control you.

Edited February 8, 2012 by Gervl

[LSnBigBear 61]

Matters of the heart are always difficult to give advice too. If you love him then continue talking it out.... Men are sometimes odd ducks when it comes to enjoying the attention... I had a simlar but different situation.... I was "briefly" married a second time to an insanely jealous "westernized" filipina that lived in USA 20 years prior to my marriage to her.... She accused me "wrongfully" of cheating many times. I took her on my business travels as well as going as far as give her my passwords while allowing her to view my cell phone bills etc... But she was still accussed me.. We went to counseling and the pastor told her that men need some space when it comes to these types of situations as me giving up all my freedom ie passwords caused me to give up my manhood so to speak which he said I should have never done.. Reason I am telling you this is that as you work this out, and I hope you can, TRUST must be in there. How trust happens after this is so very difficult.. It means that for some time periods that he needs to lose his "manhood" privledges and you need to sensor what he is doing.. I was innocent so giving up my passwords etc was no issue.. Still being wrongfully accused angered me and ultimately ended our marriage... I could not take her insanity. There has been a lot of damage done in your marriage.. I will say both need to get in front of God (oh no I mentioned the G word) and maybe if you can work it out renew your vows.... If he does not adhere to what you want then kick him to the curb and take all you can from him....

For all out there reading this... There are two good books all couples should read.. One for women is "Every Man's Battle". For men "Every Women's Battle" It teaches us why we are different and how to be senstive to the other.

Good luck... Trust needs to be in relationships!

Edited February 8, 2012 by LSnBigBear

[LSnBigBear 61]

Why are people so convinced every guy friend is out to bag their female friends? How narrow minded. Sure, many guys do this, but there are also many cut from a better cloth who just enjoy the companionship. This fear has lead to so many unnecessary fights. If this is the case, I'm also wildly attracted to all my guy friends, so in reality our friendships are a cover for our passionate, hidden lustful feelings for each other. Please

Gervi: I agree with you but he has lied... That is now the issue.. Like I said in earlier post I was guilty with my ex until proven innocent only because I was 100% honest about my past while living in Philippines.. Looking back I have learned her insecurity is because she herself cheated on her ex American husband... It all spirals over time... Being honest is best... The old saying "one never has to remember what he talks about if he always tells the truth"

[Orando 57]

The reason men fall into affairs is because they listen to their johnsons before their brains. Whose fault is that? Their own. Who could have made a smart decision? Them. Men (and women) with no self control are the ones who cheat. It's very sad that some people in this day and age don't have the power to just say "no" to their genitals.

I don't think a past history of foolish men should be the reason that you avoid friendships with good looking women. Are you not able to control yourself? It is your body, it doesn't control you.

I would disagree with your reasoning on why men fall into affairs but no need to debate that here. The reason why men fall into affairs is complex and varies on a case by case basis depending upon the people involved and the situations. Your generalized reasoning does not do the issue of "why men cheat" any serious justice. In this thread, only the OP, her husband and this other female know what the real deal is.

I know myself, I am better off not having close companionships with women I am attracted too, full stop, your mileage may vary. Women are intoxicating for me, it is necessary for me to limit my exposure to this temptation for the health and longevity of my marriage, I am aware of this. This reasoning goes for any temptation that comes upon a man, just got to deal with it prudently.

You seem very confident in your fidelity strength without the need to have boundaries, more power to you! I am not as confident in the flesh as you are.

Take care...

[kytwell 179]

Side note: I would imagine it's very insulting for a lot of guys to be included in this gross, sweeping generalization that they can only be friends with girls they wish to engage sexually.

Then why be friends with them? We have our male buddies to talk to and hang out with. The only time a guy would be hanging with a girl is the hope he can bang her and/or her hot friend. No other reason. Companionship: get a dog, confidant should only be your wife, a female perspective: mom, aunt, cousin and/or sister.

Watch the video I posted on the first page EVERY guy said no they can't be friends and would definitely bang the "friend." Every girl admitted that yes their guy friends would jump at the chance to hit that and knew that the guys were attracted to them. I believe it is the women who are disillusioned and living in an idealistic fantasy world. Having plenty of buddies, from being married(twice) and having sister's, we know that most women enjoy the attention of male friends; even though they know that the guy is only hanging with them and buying them things and taking them out, because the guy has an ulterior motive.

Most times once a guy puts the move on or expresses his feeling and the girl has absolutely 0 interest in him, the friendship either fades away or he will keep plugging along hoping she changes her mind. As the saying goes, ignorance is bliss!

[VanessaTony 3,567]

I suggest you:

1. Call her and find out what he's told her

2. Have the number blocked (like a child safety thing to stop him calling, and a regular block to stop him getting her calls/msgs)

Honestly though I find your post about being concerned about this affecting your immigration disconcerting. Immigration is irrelevant honestly. You are with someone who lies to you. Either start trusting him (which honestly i couldn't do given the evidence) or leave. I know I would (though I arrived on a K1 with the sole purpose of being with my husband so I know my situation is different to others).

Edited February 8, 2012 by Vanessa&Tony