Heartbroken :(

[Vince and Cheryl 1]

Hi! I am having some problems in my marriage and need some advice

My husband has not been completely honest with me for some unknown reason, I am pretty sure he has not cheated on me (physically) but some other stuff he does I just dont know what to think about... I am a bit jealous but I am sure this is way more than what I would consider normal situations.

Long story (kinda) short........ I will give you the facts

- ONE month before wedding I saw a text from a girl... they talked about me and she asked him if he was going to propose to me soon... his answer was ' we will see'... #######?... at that time I let it go.

- Few months after I kept seeing more texts from her, pretty regular texts, nothing compromising but when she randomly invited him to parties and we were hanging out together he never mentioned anything that we could go, he obviously did not want to take me.

- He never ever mentioned her as a friend or nothing at all.

- While they were texting, she casually mentioned one night that she was going to 'N' gym and he went there too even though he does not like that gym very much.

- I realized seeing the phone bills that he calls her about once a month. Of course he deletes texts and calls he makes to her.

- One night I was working and he went out with a friend, the next day I saw that he texted her saying that he was out with a friend (like casually inviting her to go to the same bar) she was out of town and did not go.

He knew I saw that text and confronted him about her and about the old text denying we were engaged. He said its only a friend, and that he wanted to introduced her to his single friend (?), that he never said anything about her cause he knows I get jealous blah blah blah. I asked him to stop talking/texting her and he even said he deleted her from his phone and that he was done talking to her and AGAIN blah blah blah. After a couple of days I forgave him.

That happened a couple weeks ago... well, today I realized HE called her after we had that big fight... I could not believe my eyes when I saw the phone bill!!!

I seriously dont know what to do... I am pretty sure that he has not done anything with her but what the hell is all that interest????? He lied to me and I just cant trust him anymore. (Am I exaggerating??)

I have not confronted him about his lies and this new call just because my AOS interview is coming up pretty soon and I don't want this to affect the interview even though this is completely affecting my marriage. Please help!

You are not exaggerating. You are the wife and you have been lied to. Its really difficult to build the trust once it has been broken.

Personally my advice is to talk to your husband if there is an issue at hand and not to let anything that bothers you pass. He needs to know you are aware of it and you as his wife is asking him whats going on. Dont let anything pass without talking about it or resolving it. If he admits and asks for forgiveness then its on u already ... If u can forgive him, accept what happened and move on. If he denies it then ul have to tell him that you are not comfortable him talking to that person. If he really loves you and respects how you feel then he will do something about it. If he doesnt and continues to do it ... You dont have to deal with it. At the end of the day its really ur call. If you can forgive him and u see that he's making an effort to make u feel secure about ur relationship then continue but if he doesnt change and continues ... Leave ... You deserve something better ... Cheer up! Everything will be ok. You'll know what to do.

I just offered a prayer for you.

Keep the faith and LIFT it up to the Higher Being

[Laser1 63]

Have they been friends for a long time? If so, asking him to cut off all contact with her can seem rude. That's not to excuse his behavior... he is handling it poorly. However, it would be much better for you to meet her and get a good sense of the extent of their friendship before making decisions.

[FormerlyKnownAs 17]

My ex-husband did exactly this same thing to me and now he's my ex for good reason. This is emotional cheating, whether he did anything physically or not. I'm very sorry you're going through this, I know it almost broke me. I did exactly what you did... I asked my ex to stop contacting this woman because I saw where she had said all kinds of rotten things about me. She told him I didn't deserve him and he was too good for me. He told me he would stop talking to her and when I found out he was still going out to lunch with her regularly (even though she was also married and "Nothing is going on!"), I told him we needed to split up. The lying is more hurtful than people realize. The deception is more than most people can tolerate in a relationship and my belief in my case was that we could never recover what trust he had crushed by lying and hiding things from me.

I'm very very sorry. Be strong and get some counseling if you feel like it would benefit you to have someone to talk to.

[Grant PDX 183]

Trust is crucial to any relationship. Even more so when immigration is involved (because both parties are not on a level ground/even playing field). You need to do whatever is right for you to make sure you trust him. It seems that is lost right now. Until you are convinced that nothing is going on you two need to talk it through. Either with a counselor as someone suggested, or just directly together, and both need to be committed to doing what it takes to make it work. If that means you meet her, or talk to her, or he stops... it doesn't matter as long as in the end the trust is back. If the trust is gone, it sure makes for a gloomy relationship.

My two cents.

Edited February 7, 2012 by Grant n Karleen

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

Towards the end of my first marriage my wife was communicating with a ale co-worker behind my back. This was before everyone had cell phones so she was using the home phone.

If I answered when he called he would just hang-up. Once I hit *69 and called him back, he was freaked-out to say the least.

I confronted her and explained that I have no problem with her having male friends but if they are just in it for friendship then they'll respect me as her husband by introducing them-self to me. He never did...

To be honest, our marriage was already on the rocks but I was trying to see if it was salvageable at that time. Just a few weeks later she disappeared for 3 days (yep my daughters and I had no idea where she was and she almost lost her job for no shows). Turns out she was with him! Ended up in bed and everything. At that point I figured they did me a favor because that was when I knew there was no going back.

If you want to get to the bottom if it, either contact her directly or tell him to contact her and invite her to the house for dinner. If she's just a friend that won't be a problem but if there's more you'll pick it up in their body language when in the same room.

[heartbrokenagain 0]

I agree with everyone. The trust is completely gone right now. I though that having that big fight about this same issue a few weeks ago he would 'change', apparently he did not care at all and did not expect me to find out he called her again, luckily I am not dumb.

I really really doubt she is an ex, he did not have many. He did tell me that he met her thru another friend about a year ago and just been friends since then... which in another situation it would seem ok to me but the way he has been doing it, that is just not OK! Plus if its only a friend that u met a few times and don't talk/see very often, can't be as close. Don't understand why it is so hard to stop talking to her. I would agree on meeting her but I honestly don't know if I want to meet her.

He swore that she knows we are married now and honestly she seems pretty 'normal/casual' on her texts and I have not seen any calls from her to him (unless she calls from a different #) so sadly to say the one interested is him.

I really don't know what to do, I can't trust him anymore and I can't be checking on him all the time, its exhausting and not healthy for me and my mind, I don't want to be like that! On the other hand its sad to end things this way, we have been only married for 5 months (been in the US over 6 months now)...

It is hard to believe this is happening. I will confront him again tonight, I can't hold this any longer

Edited February 7, 2012 by heartbrokenagain

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

It is hard to believe this is happening. I will confront him again tonight, I can't hold this any longer

Based on this post, don't confront him, contact her directly.

She might not even know what's going on...

[Babygyrl233 2]

From my experience, it does not matter if you find out who she is. A man will lie unless you show him facts. If you trusted him you wouldnt have to go through his things. He has something to hide, it does not matter why he is hiding, he should not be doing it. My fiance was talking to other women just as friends, after I repeatedly let him know it bothers me and I do not treat him that way, he didnt listen. So we broke up and I announced it to the world (for his friends to know). He became embarrassed. Once they found out he started taking me seriously. I shot him where he would hurt most to get his attention. Has he done it since, NO!

Contacting her will not matter, she can lie to you as well. Women will cheat with married men, some don't care. If she was a good person she would not want him spending his time with her, at least without you. Don't stress yourself. Just figure a way to deliver the message that he is hurting you, and if that doesnt work then he needs to be free like he is acting!

Edited February 7, 2012 by Babygyrl233

[We Keep Receipts 9,238]

Just an opinion from from real life experience and advice from a friend. My ex-wife ( not ex at the time) was talking to a man I didn't know. I found some cards etc. were exchanged and in my gut, I felt like something was wrong but, was not sure and I wanted to trust her. I confided in a woman I worked with and she said " if this man was just a friend, tell her to introduce you to him and maybe we could get to know each other" Well, after I told her this, she confessed that it was an affair. I think that if you want a good relationship, you should at least know of all the friends the other has, you might not become friends with them but, you will at least know if they have something going on or not. It is very difficult to hide feelings in person. Just my 2 cents. And I do believe it is very difficult for men to be just friends with a woman......the men almost always want more then just friendship

As a man, and having gone down this road more times than I want to admit or count, I agree with everything except for the bolded statement above. This runs both ways, women and men can both fall prey to emotions. Too many times I was the friend until they wanted more and things got weird....

To the OP, this is a hard situation to be in. You love your husband but like everyone is pointing out, a marriage is about trust and respect and without one or the other there can be no harmony. I know old friends/ex's can be a tricky field to navigate since most of them predate your relationship and they have that sense of entitlement of staying in your spouse's life because they were there first. But you are his wife, the two of you are one now, there is only us, not me or you, and you should have been aware of this woman before it came to this. It's funny because I am going through something like this right now:

I have an old friend, let's call her H. We dated briefly in 1994, after that we broke up and decided to be friends. Well I was ok with that since we weren't in love or antyhing so not hard at all to do. We ended up being good friends so I thought this was for the best. I got married back in 1999 and I didn't want to give up my female friends for the reasons I stated before, so my wife at the time started having male friends. Talk about a huge ****storm, so many problems and issues I can't even go into on this forum. Even though it was killing our marriage I still held on to my "girl" friends, and my wife kept having "boy" friends. Well, let's just say things didn't work out in the end scheme of things.

Now that I am remarried, my wife keeps things in perspective. She has no male friends, and since I had so many before and I watched the train wreck it caused I gave mine up as well. H wasn't trying to have that, she would keep calling me and asking if we could all hang out so it wouldn't be a problem, my wife had just arrived and the NEXT day H was trying to get us to drive and meet her. I tried to mitigate it by saying we needed to spend time together as we hadn't seen each other in 5 months. Next thing I know, her MOTHER starting calling me asking for us to come and meet her. Not a good look on my part.

Now my wife knows I tried to handle this the right way so she isn't mad at me. And the point of all of this is, be upfront and respect your spouse. Your husband is hiding this from you and nothing good can come from it. Talk to him and be clear about what you expect from him and vice versa. This way there isn't any leeway and room for bad things to happen.

[JnB 6]

VJ is not only for your immigration journey but also your journey after that. That is what I like about this site. You can ask anything and people here will give you advice based on their own experience and/or opinion. Another good thing is pretty much everyone here is from different background and culture.

I like this website a lot.

Just my thought. Sorry if this post is irrelevant to the issue.

Also Good communication is one of the key of good and happy relationship.

[Laure&Colin 558]

I really really doubt she is an ex, he did not have many. He did tell me that he met her thru another friend about a year ago and just been friends since then...

Well, if she's not an ex, not an old friend... then what is she to him? I sounds like he's really into her, sorry

[Army wife 9]

Sorry you are going through this, hopefully it's innocent...but sometimes where there's smoke; there's fire. The above video has some truth to it though.

I LOVE this video!!! hahahaha! So true!

Hi! I am having some problems in my marriage and need some advice

My husband has not been completely honest with me for some unknown reason, I am pretty sure he has not cheated on me (physically) but some other stuff he does I just dont know what to think about... I am a bit jealous but I am sure this is way more than what I would consider normal situations.

Long story (kinda) short........ I will give you the facts

- ONE month before wedding I saw a text from a girl... they talked about me and she asked him if he was going to propose to me soon... his answer was ' we will see'... #######?... at that time I let it go.

- Few months after I kept seeing more texts from her, pretty regular texts, nothing compromising but when she randomly invited him to parties and we were hanging out together he never mentioned anything that we could go, he obviously did not want to take me.

- He never ever mentioned her as a friend or nothing at all.

- While they were texting, she casually mentioned one night that she was going to 'N' gym and he went there too even though he does not like that gym very much.

- I realized seeing the phone bills that he calls her about once a month. Of course he deletes texts and calls he makes to her.

- One night I was working and he went out with a friend, the next day I saw that he texted her saying that he was out with a friend (like casually inviting her to go to the same bar) she was out of town and did not go.

He knew I saw that text and confronted him about her and about the old text denying we were engaged. He said its only a friend, and that he wanted to introduced her to his single friend (?), that he never said anything about her cause he knows I get jealous blah blah blah. I asked him to stop talking/texting her and he even said he deleted her from his phone and that he was done talking to her and AGAIN blah blah blah. After a couple of days I forgave him.

That happened a couple weeks ago... well, today I realized HE called her after we had that big fight... I could not believe my eyes when I saw the phone bill!!!

I seriously dont know what to do... I am pretty sure that he has not done anything with her but what the hell is all that interest????? He lied to me and I just cant trust him anymore. (Am I exaggerating??)

I have not confronted him about his lies and this new call just because my AOS interview is coming up pretty soon and I don't want this to affect the interview even though this is completely affecting my marriage. Please help!

COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE when one is married! And NO, you are NOT over-reacting!

[Darnell 8,479]

is this girl and your husband muslim, by any chance? does your husband want to add to his marriage? I pray this isn't the case, as polygamy is illegal in the USA.

[heartbrokenagain 0]

is this girl and your husband muslim, by any chance? does your husband want to add to his marriage? I pray this isn't the case, as polygamy is illegal in the USA.

Not at all, my husband is american and I assume she is too.

[heartbrokenagain 0]

is this girl and your husband muslim, by any chance? does your husband want to add to his marriage? I pray this isn't the case, as polygamy is illegal in the USA.

Not at all, my husband is american and I assume she is too.