Heartbroken :(

[heartbrokenagain 0]

Hi! I am having some problems in my marriage and need some advice

My husband has not been completely honest with me for some unknown reason, I am pretty sure he has not cheated on me (physically) but some other stuff he does I just dont know what to think about... I am a bit jealous but I am sure this is way more than what I would consider normal situations.

Long story (kinda) short........ I will give you the facts

- ONE month before wedding I saw a text from a girl... they talked about me and she asked him if he was going to propose to me soon... his answer was ' we will see'... #######?... at that time I let it go.

- Few months after I kept seeing more texts from her, pretty regular texts, nothing compromising but when she randomly invited him to parties and we were hanging out together he never mentioned anything that we could go, he obviously did not want to take me.

- He never ever mentioned her as a friend or nothing at all.

- While they were texting, she casually mentioned one night that she was going to 'N' gym and he went there too even though he does not like that gym very much.

- I realized seeing the phone bills that he calls her about once a month. Of course he deletes texts and calls he makes to her.

- One night I was working and he went out with a friend, the next day I saw that he texted her saying that he was out with a friend (like casually inviting her to go to the same bar) she was out of town and did not go.

He knew I saw that text and confronted him about her and about the old text denying we were engaged. He said its only a friend, and that he wanted to introduced her to his single friend (?), that he never said anything about her cause he knows I get jealous blah blah blah. I asked him to stop talking/texting her and he even said he deleted her from his phone and that he was done talking to her and AGAIN blah blah blah. After a couple of days I forgave him.

That happened a couple weeks ago... well, today I realized HE called her after we had that big fight... I could not believe my eyes when I saw the phone bill!!!

I seriously dont know what to do... I am pretty sure that he has not done anything with her but what the hell is all that interest????? He lied to me and I just cant trust him anymore. (Am I exaggerating??)

I have not confronted him about his lies and this new call just because my AOS interview is coming up pretty soon and I don't want this to affect the interview even though this is completely affecting my marriage. Please help!

[Ryan H 3,821]

Moved from Off Topic to Effects of Major Family Changes on Immigration Benefits; OP's situation is germane to this forum.

[IR5FORMUMSIE 850]

Hi! I am having some problems in my marriage and need some advice

My husband has not been completely honest with me for some unknown reason, I am pretty sure he has not cheated on me (physically) but some other stuff he does I just dont know what to think about... I am a bit jealous but I am sure this is way more than what I would consider normal situations.

Long story (kinda) short........ I will give you the facts

- ONE month before wedding I saw a text from a girl... they talked about me and she asked him if he was going to propose to me soon... his answer was ' we will see'... #######?... at that time I let it go.

- Few months after I kept seeing more texts from her, pretty regular texts, nothing compromising but when she randomly invited him to parties and we were hanging out together he never mentioned anything that we could go, he obviously did not want to take me.

- He never ever mentioned her as a friend or nothing at all.

- While they were texting, she casually mentioned one night that she was going to 'N' gym and he went there too even though he does not like that gym very much.

- I realized seeing the phone bills that he calls her about once a month. Of course he deletes texts and calls he makes to her.

- One night I was working and he went out with a friend, the next day I saw that he texted her saying that he was out with a friend (like casually inviting her to go to the same bar) she was out of town and did not go.

He knew I saw that text and confronted him about her and about the old text denying we were engaged. He said its only a friend, and that he wanted to introduced her to his single friend (?), that he never said anything about her cause he knows I get jealous blah blah blah. I asked him to stop talking/texting her and he even said he deleted her from his phone and that he was done talking to her and AGAIN blah blah blah. After a couple of days I forgave him.

That happened a couple weeks ago... well, today I realized HE called her after we had that big fight... I could not believe my eyes when I saw the phone bill!!!

I seriously dont know what to do... I am pretty sure that he has not done anything with her but what the hell is all that interest????? He lied to me and I just cant trust him anymore. (Am I exaggerating??)

I have not confronted him about his lies and this new call just because my AOS interview is coming up pretty soon and I don't want this to affect the interview even though this is completely affecting my marriage. Please help!

I'm a single solitary man but he IS cheating on you. Emotionally, if not physically he is having an affair. You need counselling, as soon as possible. These are not the actions of someone who loves you, get this matter settled one way or the other ASAP. Just my $0.02.

[SunnySanDiego 17]

Well if there was not some sort of emotional cheating going on he wouldn't be trying to hide her from you. After you confronted him and asked him to stop talking to her, a loving caring partner would do what you asked because they wouldn't want to hurt you or make you unhappy. The very fact that he went ahead and continued after he lied and said he would just goes to show you that he does not respect you or your feelings regardless of whether he think you are jealous or not. He should do everything to make you feel loved, happy and secure which he isn't. He sounds like a jerk and I am sorry that you are going through this =( very sad.

[EasternDE 35]

Find out who is the girl and what kind of relationship they have or used to have.

Sounds like an ex girl-friend who he might still have some kind of friendship with.

I had a very similar experience and found out it was an ex-girlfriend.

The issue is not really the relationship they have but the lies are.

The reasons why he's been hiding her might not be as bad as you think.

I got really angry and I did the same thing as you, I did forbid him to contact her again and blabla...

The more I would talk about her, the more he would actually contact her...

I finally dropped it and she kinda disappeared....

You're waiting for your AOS interview so you just got here I guess?

That happened at the same time for me. When you have a long distance relationship, that's the kind of thing that's easy to hide.

Or more like it's convenient to not mention it.

Once you're there, flash news, it becomes a problem.

Calm down and ask him who she is.

Well mine would also give me "It's only a friend" part. I had to ask some close friends to find out the truth then confront him about it.

Edited February 7, 2012 by EasternDE

[SunnySanDiego 17]

Find out who is the girl and what kind of relationship they have or used to have.

Sounds like an ex girl-friend who he might still have some kind of friendship with.

I had a very similar experience and found out it was an ex-girlfriend.

The issue is not really the relationship they have but the lies are.

The reasons why he's been hiding her might not be as bad as you think.

I got really angry and I did the same thing as you, I did forbid him to contact her again and blabla...

The more I would talk about her, the more he would actually contact her...

I finally dropped it and she kinda disappeared....

You're waiting for your AOS interview so you just got here I guess?

That happened at the same time for me. When you have a long distance relationship, that's the kind of thing that's easy to hide.

Or more like it's convenient to not mention it.

Once you're there, flash news, it becomes a problem.

Calm down and ask him who she is.

She did and was told it was only a friend and that he was trying to set her up with a friend of his. Why hide it though if it is that innocent and why not stop when your spouse whom you are supposed to love asks you too because it hurts and upsets them. Seems very simple to me.

@brokenhearted again - I think you should try talking to him again and really let him know how much it bothers you and upsets you. Tell him how you feel and that the lies and sneaking make him look guilty. If you feel that strongly tell him you really do want him to stop talking to her because it's affecting your relationship and your trust in him and that you know he didn't stop when you asked him last time. If worse comes to worse call her and see what she has to say.

Edited February 7, 2012 by SunnySanDiego

[EasternDE 35]

She did and was told it was only a friend and that he was trying to set her up with a friend of his.

Who she is as in when did they meet, how, for how long they've known each other, blablabla.

Not just "she's only a friend".

[GVMack 9]

Its obvious there is some kind of relationship. He as a married man, he does not need to be contacting anyone secretly. What does he have to hide. Even if they were friends from before he met you, he should of told you. That way he doesn`t look like a liar and an a$$.

Marriage is about trust and honestly. If he is still contacting her after you told him how you felt then he does not care about your feelings. And she who knows that he is a married man and is still in the mix with him is no good already.

If your going to be married then be married all the way. I would talk to him again, and ask him if this marriage means anything to him, and why did he bring you to the US and marry you if he`s not going to be 100%. Tell him what you want and you need from him.

Marriage is a committment. I think its sad how some people can just move on to the next and think the grass is greener on ther other side. They mess up, treat you like trash, then weeks, or months later they realize they`ve screwed up.

Don`t people believe in Karma.

[amyandjorge 76]

I would call her. Say hey.

I bet if you two started hanging out he would be totally turned off by her texts

[Laure&Colin 558]

Find out who is the girl and what kind of relationship they have or used to have.

Sounds like an ex girl-friend who he might still have some kind of friendship with.

I had a very similar experience and found out it was an ex-girlfriend.

The issue is not really the relationship they have but the lies are.

The reasons why he's been hiding her might not be as bad as you think.

I got really angry and I did the same thing as you, I did forbid him to contact her again and blabla...

The more I would talk about her, the more he would actually contact her...

I finally dropped it and she kinda disappeared....

I could have written this post!

I also guess she might be an ex. For some odd reason I'll never be able to fully understand, a lot of men have difficulties letting their exes be part of the past. They feel the urge to keep in touch, and because they don't want to hurt anyone, they lie about it or trivialize the issue.

Be firm about it, confront him. This has nothing to do with your AOS interview, this has everything to do with your marriage, so I wouldn't wait until the situation gets all moldy you know?

Do not let him go away with it, put the real words on it: so soon after your marriage, he becomes a liar and proves he isn't trustworthy. How does he feel about that? Is that who he wants to be?

Oh and I would let him sleep on the couch for a while until he realizes what he's doing

Edited February 7, 2012 by Laure&Colin

[kytwell 179]

Sorry you are going through this, hopefully it's innocent...but sometimes where there's smoke; there's fire. The above video has some truth to it though.

[Laure&Colin 558]

Well, I think men and women CAN be friends. Most of my friends are men actually.

But when you lie to your spouse about someone and hide to contact them, then it can definitely not be defined as friendship.

Edited February 7, 2012 by Laure&Colin

[kytwell 179]

Well, I think men and women CAN be friends. Most of my friends are men actually.

But when you lie to your spouse about someone and hide to contact them, then it can definitely not be defined as friendship.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinions. Your situation would be one of the few rare exceptions then, if none of them would jump at the chance to be with you if given a chance.

Onto the OP situation again, follow your gut! If it doesn't feel right about this, then it is most likely so. And your man should have enough respect for you to not continue on with his disrespect of your feelings.

Edited February 7, 2012 by kytwell

[Robert&Karen 264]

When you said that he told her "We will see" regarding proposal I saw nothing wrong with that. I prefer not to give details to some people myself. But then the rest of your notes definitely take the odds out of his favor, especially the deleting the texts part. I think he wants to keep her around as a backup.

[Al and Patricia 23]

Just an opinion from from real life experience and advice from a friend. My ex-wife ( not ex at the time) was talking to a man I didn't know. I found some cards etc. were exchanged and in my gut, I felt like something was wrong but, was not sure and I wanted to trust her. I confided in a woman I worked with and she said " if this man was just a friend, tell her to introduce you to him and maybe we could get to know each other" Well, after I told her this, she confessed that it was an affair. I think that if you want a good relationship, you should at least know of all the friends the other has, you might not become friends with them but, you will at least know if they have something going on or not. It is very difficult to hide feelings in person. Just my 2 cents. And I do believe it is very difficult for men to be just friends with a woman......the men almost always want more then just friendship