Filipina Fiancee Freaking Out

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

You're not being very nice to her. Referring to her as a piece of meat on the Golden Corral Buffet, and telling her it's all her fault you can't pay for the visa.

Sickening.

[actob99 156]

My fiancee has not really had good support from her family her entire life. Went to live with an Aunt when she was young who made her work in the Rice fields and not attend to her school. Had her drop out of school after 6th grade because she had to work. SO she hadn't seen her mom in 10 or so years and her father died when she was young. Her Aunt's and Nieces(who are older than her) are loca loca and have tried to steer her down a very bad path in life. The only family she cares very much for is her younger brother.

With that being said, I'm her very close family and have had a great deal of discussions on family and life. Our love is very strong and I have done everything to show her(not just tell her) how much I love her and I'm here for her and to show her a happy life. On the phone last night discussing what's coming in Manila, she was asking me the questions: Are you sure your going to take care of me in U.S.?? I thought your going to hold my hand when I get my shot's at the medical? Are you sure they are going to like me there? It's nervousness. It's a great big world in U.S. with a lot of horror storries told to them by all kinds of jealous people.. Just keep being positive and ton's of communication and all be work out if it's meant to be..

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

Every time I read your OP here one thing really bothers me...

There is a whole lot of HER THIS, HER THAT, ME THIS, ME THAT. I've read a few of your other posts and get the same thing...

Where is the US or WE?

In another thread you flippantly commented about using the "Paint job for your hood" money to pay DHL Fees, that in itself is nothing but taken in the larger context of your other posts (including this one) something is becoming very clear:

There is a disconnect between you and her.

If you want to fix things then fix that disconnect.

Some things I thought were odd (take no offense because I'm not judging, just commenting):

You have a Filipina ex-wife but seem to not understand Filipino culture very much.

Why would you leave a Sprint Phone that isn't activated with her? What use could it be to her, all phones in the Philippines are GSM (SIM) based.

In your thread about the FedEx shipment (went with DHL, good choice BTW), I already mentioned the money comment but there was a lot in there that just seemed like you hadn't given a lot of thought to what & why you're sending stuff to her.

For example:

The only documents you need to send her hard copies of are things like Divorce Decree, Affidavit of Support and supporting evidence that requires signatures or official seals/stamps.

Images, chat logs, etc can be printed by her for pennies on the dollar at any "Computer Shop".

This is a process that both parties should be invested in, if not then it will be 100 times more difficult than it needs to be.

[acuratlsd 11]

She honestly didn't want to come here because of the whole change. Actually I think that she could care less coming to the states. If I had it my way then I would move to the Philippines to stay with her and just live off disability. She is just scared of the whole changes that she has to make. Filipinos are very close to their family and I think it is devastating her to leave them for that length. Plus she feels that she has a solid job as a Private Nurse and she is scared to go from working to non worker even if it is for 3 or so months.

I have had a very bad experience when I was with my last Filipina. She had a lot of signs that I decided to forgive and it was the worse mistake in my life. She ruined my military career and still decided to cheat on me and file for divorce while she was in the states (don't know how she got there) with her future fiancee. I had no choice but to let her go because of the military dedication to dependents, she would have not made it easier for me. She would have did everything in the book to turn me to the dark side. She was a few arguments away from a shovel and a late night.

I have been dealing with Filipinos for 9 years now. I know the culture and I am also very careful looking for the different signs. After 9 years and a marriage you learn a few things. I really do not know how to explain to someone from a third world country that Americans are not always rich as the TV makes us look. The only reason why we can afford all the things in the Philippines is the exchange rate. Take that same amount back to where you live and your eating roman noodles and licking ice cubes for breakfast lunch and dinner.

She is just a little upset because my mom said that she will help us until we can get on our feet. Also, my mom has a 4 bedroom house and she is also disabled. I thought it would be better to stay with her because she needs help. She doesn't drive, she is having issues so having her son and her future daughter in law being a nurse would be a good thing and plus all the mortgage and utilities will be split down the middle helping us save for a future on our own.

She feels that since we are both adult that we should be getting a house and being on our own because that is how she is right now. She is on her own paying for her own house so she was pushed to grow up faster than a typical filipina.

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

She is just a little upset because my mom said that she will help us until we can get on our feet. Also, my mom has a 4 bedroom house and she is also disabled. I thought it would be better to stay with her because she needs help. She doesn't drive, she is having issues so having her son and her future daughter in law being a nurse would be a good thing and plus all the mortgage and utilities will be split down the middle helping us save for a future on our own.

She feels that since we are both adult that we should be getting a house and being on our own because that is how she is right now. She is on her own paying for her own house so she was pushed to grow up faster than a typical filipina.

And maybe your Fiancee is a little worried that this will become the plan for the foreseeable future, that she's now your Mom's Private Nurse and can't be independent or work towards you as a couple building a future together.

[acuratlsd 11]

Every time I read your OP here one thing really bothers me...

There is a whole lot of HER THIS, HER THAT, ME THIS, ME THAT. I've read a few of your other posts and get the same thing...

Where is the US or WE?

In another thread you flippantly commented about using the "Paint job for your hood" money to pay DHL Fees, that in itself is nothing but taken in the larger context of your other posts (including this one) something is becoming very clear:

There is a disconnect between you and her.

If you want to fix things then fix that disconnect.

Some things I thought were odd (take no offense because I'm not judging, just commenting):

You have a Filipina ex-wife but seem to not understand Filipino culture very much.

Why would you leave a Sprint Phone that isn't activated with her? What use could it be to her, all phones in the Philippines are GSM (SIM) based.

In your thread about the FedEx shipment (went with DHL, good choice BTW), I already mentioned the money comment but there was a lot in there that just seemed like you hadn't given a lot of thought to what & why you're sending stuff to her.

For example:

The only documents you need to send her hard copies of are things like Divorce Decree, Affidavit of Support and supporting evidence that requires signatures or official seals/stamps.

Images, chat logs, etc can be printed by her for pennies on the dollar at any "Computer Shop".

This is a process that both parties should be invested in, if not then it will be 100 times more difficult than it needs to be.

I left the phone with her because she could use the android system on the HTC Evo and we can communicate like that. I know that she couldn't use the phone being CMDA, but she could use the WiFi. Another reason why I left the phone is that I can have her reprogram the phone just before she lefts so that once she steps foot into the states, she can give me a call and let me know if everything went okay or if the immigration is holding her up for questions. I understand things never go perfect so I am always prepared for the worse. One thing my dad always taught me.

About the hood, it was just a joke, well not really but the pain was how much everything costs when you are hit with everything at once.... like I was.. When I did the K-1 i knew she needed an interview but I didn't expect the medical or visa application fee. That is what hurt me the most because I over looked it. There were fees after the I-129F that I wasn't aware of. I apologize for the misrepresentation of how i worked my previous sentences.

Yeah I think we have a little miscommunication. Sometimes it is hard because of the culture conflict. I would think that a relationship

is going horribly wrong if there was "no" fighting or bickering. I keep talking to her each and everyday. I just hope that once she gets here

she will see that she has nothing to worry about. Her stress will be so low that she wouldn't know what to do with herself anymore.

Working 6 days a week at 13 hours a day not including the travel throughout Quezon City, Maktia and Manila would make anyone stress out.

The documents. I just wanted it to be perfect. I didn't want to leave anything out or make any mistakes. I know that she could have went to the computer shops and had it done but I am just scared that if there is a little mistake that they will turn her away. Nothing more than having to wait longer and those ones that had the RFE during their I129F application can feel the same way.

[acuratlsd 11]

And maybe your Fiancee is a little worried that this will become the plan for the foreseeable future, that she's now your Mom's Private Nurse and can't be independent or work towards you as a couple building a future together.

My mom would never do that. She has VA, Free Medical from Military. She is fine. My mom is not dependent on us but I would also like to make sure she is okay. As her son, it is just a thing I feel to do. I just need to make sure she is taking good care of before I decide to build a family. Which I want really soon. Within a year or two. the main thing that I am really concerned on is making sure that my fiancee has all her paperwork in order to get her AOS, eligibility to work card, drivers license, things like that before we go on our own.

My sister got married and she is stuck at the house with 2 kids because her husband would never let her get on his insurance or let her learn to drive because he wants her to be the house slave. I would never do that to my fiancee, we are 50/50 and i want her to explore life as it is. enjoy it and be able to have all the experiences that everyone else has while she is here in america.

I want a family of my own and in American culture that is how it goes and that is how it is understand by the parents. Their children will never live with them all their life, they eventually will get out there and have a family of their own.

[B_J 2,752]

And maybe your Fiancee is a little worried that this will become the plan for the foreseeable future, that she's now your Mom's Private Nurse and can't be independent or work towards you as a couple building a future together.

My mom would never do that.

You know that, but does your fiancee know that?

[acuratlsd 11]

My fiancee has not really had good support from her family her entire life. Went to live with an Aunt when she was young who made her work in the Rice fields and not attend to her school. Had her drop out of school after 6th grade because she had to work. SO she hadn't seen her mom in 10 or so years and her father died when she was young. Her Aunt's and Nieces(who are older than her) are loca loca and have tried to steer her down a very bad path in life. The only family she cares very much for is her younger brother.

With that being said, I'm her very close family and have had a great deal of discussions on family and life. Our love is very strong and I have done everything to show her(not just tell her) how much I love her and I'm here for her and to show her a happy life. On the phone last night discussing what's coming in Manila, she was asking me the questions: Are you sure your going to take care of me in U.S.?? I thought your going to hold my hand when I get my shot's at the medical? Are you sure they are going to like me there? It's nervousness. It's a great big world in U.S. with a lot of horror storries told to them by all kinds of jealous people.. Just keep being positive and ton's of communication and all be work out if it's meant to be..

Yeah, I still get the same questions from mines.

Is your mom and dad going to like me? Will I be able to work when I am there? When are we going to have children? You know the 100 questions asked kind of thing. She is very very nervous because she has never left the Philippines. The only thing that she knows about America is what she sees in movies and you know 90% is #######. Also, what she hears from others.

My fiancee got very nervous with me because I use to date this psychotic German girl which was also creating rumors. She has this thing that she didn't want me but she didn't want anyone else to want me so because of this she sent lies to my fiancee through Facebook. Facebook is the devil and that is why all of this started.

[acuratlsd 11]

You know that, but does your fiancee know that?

That is the hard part. She thinks that I am dependent on my mom which I am not. I just don't know how to make her understand that.

The thing that is hard for her is understanding that she is coming over here as an immigrant.

She doesn't have the same rights as everyone else and until she does...

A lot of money has to be spent and a lot of waiting has to be done.

She can't work, she can't leave the united states until her files are in tact. Little things like that.

I thought she would have understood that after witnessing me going through all the immigration ####### in the Philippines.

I couldn't open up a bank account until i had the ACR-I Card in my hands. To the Philippines, I didn't exist without that ID.

[LSnBigBear 61]

Well you have been given some very good advice as well as some slappin around lol.... One thing I want to discuss is your comment about "Filipinos being close to their family and not wanting to move away" I see this seldom, as well as having a company there with 300 Filipino employees therefore I see it much different. Most of my staff of 9 Managers were from different islands with half only going home to see their wife and kids two times a year. It is very common and very much in their culture to do what is best to support their family. Keep in mind the #1 exported product (if I can call a human a product) in the Philippine is "people". Nurses, Cruise Ships, Nannies, House Keepers, Marriage and unforunately human trafficing.

Factories now in the Middle East recruit pinoys as I lost some to the Middle East due to wage.

WHat we has the petitioner need to do is make sure our fiancee is comfortable throughout the process. I made some mistakes in 2007 with how I handled the stressful situations. I will not do this again. In addition find in your living city here in the States a Filipino Community so she can interact with her own kind. You should know being Military how important this is. The first time I found a foreigner friend in the Philippines was about 4 months into my tenure. I almost kissed my English Mate lol. We need our own culture even though we love our spouse very much.

Just keep her in your thoughts as you make your decisions. I would let her know the square meters (not feet) of your mothers home... 4 bedrooms to her means it could all be within 50 Sq M or 500 sq ft. Keep it simple

Edited February 6, 2012 by LSnBigBear

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

I'll be honest and say that Anna and I probably wouldn't have survived the K-1 process...

I'm so glad that I married her in the Philippines and we went the CR-1 route.

FWIW, she has the same RIGHTS as everyone else the moment she steps foot in the US. Residency, Driving and Working are not rights, they are privileges.

For all of the words int he world you'll never convince her of anything by words alone. Examine your actions. Are you treating her like and equal or not?

Let her do her share of the Visa process, it will be good for both of you.

Stop placing blame for everything that has gone wrong up to this point, it does nobody any good. In this case it actually is causing harm as you come off as scolding her which means that she's not your equal.

Don't EVER even joke about anything that could have been afforded if it wasn't for an expense related to this process, it devalues her.

Right now, open up your books to her. Let her see how your money flows. I did this early on for Anna and 9 months later it was still a bit of a shock after she arrived and truly realized the scope of money here.

Also, it doesn't matter if your saying any of this directly to her or not. If you're thinking of it in these terms them she's picking-up on it. You need to adjust that.

It's a sad truth that we each will end up paying for the mistakes of those we love the most. She has insecurities for reasons long before you came into her life and the inverse is also true.

[acuratlsd 11]

Well you have been given some very good advice as well as some slappin around lol.... One thing I want to discuss is your comment about "Filipinos being close to their family and not wanting to move away" I see this seldom, as well as having a company there with 300 Filipino employees therefore I see it much different. Most of my staff of 9 Managers were from different islands with half only going home to see their wife and kids two times a year. It is very common and very much in their culture to do what is best to support their family. Keep in mind the #1 exported product (if I can call a human a product) in the Philippine is "people". Nurses, Cruise Ships, Nannies, House Keepers, Marriage,trafficing-unfortunately). Factories now in Middle East recruit pinoys as I lost some to the Middle East due to wage.

WHat we has the petitioner need to do is make sure our fiancee is comfortable throughout the process. I made some mistakes in 2007 with how I handled the stressful situations. I will not do this again. In addition find in your living city here in the States a Filipino Community so she can interact with her own kind. You should know being Military how important this is. The first time I found a foreigner friend in the Philippines was about 4 months into my tenure. I almost kissed my English Mate lol. We need our own culture even though we love our spouse very much.

Just keep her in your thoughts as you make your decisions. I would let her know the square meters (not feet) of your mothers home... 4 bedrooms to her means it could all be within 50 Sq M or 500 sq ft. Keep it simple

I live in a military town therefore lots and lots of asians here.

Just in the local walmart there are 8 that I know if and who knows how many they are friends with that I don't know about.

I really think that she will be okay here. I was living in the Philippines and had to sleep with a very fast fan just to keep it cool enough.

Being able to take a shower and not have to sweat right after the shower is a good thing here in the states. I use to have to walk around the house with out a shirt on just until the time we were about to leave to go out or else the shirt would be no good anymore LOL

I really think that the accommodations will make up for everything.

She is just having issues with her mother, her mother is paying more attention to her husband which is not her daughters dad. My fiancee's dad died 10 years ago so she is just missing having a family I guess. She lives in Makati, and her mom visits like 4 times a month from bacolod but it is only for her business, she just uses her daughters house to sleep in for one night and she is gone the next morning. Hopefully, having my mom and dad there with her will give her some hope in life. My mom and dad are awesome and they will love her to death... My dad said as long as she can make lumpia, she will be a dependent on his taxes.

[acuratlsd 11]

I'll be honest and say that Anna and I probably wouldn't have survived the K-1 process...

I'm so glad that I married her in the Philippines and we went the CR-1 route.

FWIW, she has the same RIGHTS as everyone else the moment she steps foot in the US. Residency, Driving and Working are not rights, they are privileges.

For all of the words int he world you'll never convince her of anything by words alone. Examine your actions. Are you treating her like and equal or not?

Let her do her share of the Visa process, it will be good for both of you.

Stop placing blame for everything that has gone wrong up to this point, it does nobody any good. In this case it actually is causing harm as you come off as scolding her which means that she's not your equal.

Don't EVER even joke about anything that could have been afforded if it wasn't for an expense related to this process, it devalues her.

Right now, open up your books to her. Let her see how your money flows. I did this early on for Anna and 9 months later it was still a bit of a shock after she arrived and truly realized the scope of money here.

Also, it doesn't matter if your saying any of this directly to her or not. If you're thinking of it in these terms them she's picking-up on it. You need to adjust that.

It's a sad truth that we each will end up paying for the mistakes of those we love the most. She has insecurities for reasons long before you came into her life and the inverse is also true.

I just sent her everything. I mean I sent her my last 3 years of taxes, my bank statements, I mean pretty much everything that deals with my finances so I think she may get a little wake up call.

I would love for her to do things for the visa but she is working 24/7 over there. I just didn't want to add to the stress. I am trying to make things as easy as possible for her. I do treat her like an equal.

I don't mean to be condescending when i say that since you decided to be with me at the last minuet that the money has to be scraped up. It is just the truth, that is one thing i dedicated to her that I would never lie to her. Even white lies are lies and even lies to make someone feel better are lies. I just rather be up front and honest with everything so there are no more doubts or will there ever be a doubt.

She did kind of came after me yesterday because she is saying that the process of getting the photos graphs and a new cenomar and then the police records and NBI kind of put her short of money. I knew how she felt and i informed her I apologize for putting her in that situation but maybe she was looking for something else that I could give her to cheer her up.

[Leatherneck 693]

The "good" ones don't break up with you for 4 months because of something someone else says.

The "good" ones don't freak out if you can't give them money

The "good" ones don't b**ch at you about not having a job

The "good" ones don't tell you how you are going to have to live.

Im on my 2cnd go around also. Had lot's of arguments with the first one before we got married and within a week of being here she was literally chasing me down the street so she could continue arguing with me. Judy has been here 3 months now and we have not had a single argument.

The one you got now is going to want to run your life. If you want someone to run your life, you'll be very happy together

Well said Dan!

I think It's important to know a Pinay long enough to observe if she has any anger management issues (especially when it comes to insignificant matters) and to pay attention to how a Pinay conducts herself with regards to stress.

Her behavior at several thousand nautical miles away is probably a good indication of future behavior once married and living under the same roof with you.

I personally have never understood the fighting, (verbally) stressing about leaving family to the point of being depressed, then blaming such behavior on the stress of the visa process.

It's a "process" with long waits built in and the need for a small boat load of cash.