sad times

[NY_BX 397]

Salamu alaikum - Peace be upon you,

You have been given some great advice here. I had a similar situation and after many years of "making it work", I finally had to do what was best for me and my kids. Thank God (Alhamdulillah)we are happily divorced and remain as friendly as we can for our daughter. I truly pray that you find peace (InshaAllah) in what ever your decision is and please remember you can not make him change his ways. He has to want to either adapt to his new environment or he should consider finding what truly makes him happy. You can only do so much and sometimes it will never be enough in their eyes. Maybe God (Allah) has a better plan for your future. I have to say I did not dream that I would find love again but God (Allah) has blessed me once again (Alhamdulillah).

Feel free to message me if you need to talk. No questions asked :-)

Salam

Beautifully said. Is better to be friendly parents and happily divorced than miserably married in a hostile environment around children.

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

Thanks everyone for your responses! It is just so hard, as he is just not happy here and how do you help someone who has no intention on changing. I have tried through these years so many things and to always end back in the same cycle. I just feel broken hearted. Im going to take some time and just see how things go.

If our marriage ends I feel like a failure and an idiot, I hate that some not all the people in my real world will be "told you so" or "what did you expect". I hate letting down my husband and seeing him in pain too and yet to stay together in such an atmosphere where I know he is seriously not happy and I too am struggling is really hard to.

I find wording the posting so difficult because its such a small piece of the story and so much has gone on in all this time Good and not so Good. I truly thank you all for being there when I reached out I know I have to find the answer within - and i'm scared and sad

Be kind with yourself. When we know our own heart it is time to reexamine our definitions of success. You are not a failure because someone gets to say "I told you so" or "what did you expect."

I've known a handful of Egyptian couples who have come to the States to make a life for themselves. Some started businesses together and with the economic collapse times turned hard for many. Some of these couples had been together more than a decade with several children together when even they decided to split for similar reasons as yours and they come from the same culture. In nearly every case the women had made their lives here, gave birth to their children and raised them here. They had put down roots, made homes here, and new friends, as did their children. These women didn't want to go back to Egypt like their husbands when times got hard. These trials ended many of their marriages.

The husbands would go back to Egypt for a "long visit" and thus eventually extending their "visit" permanently and leaving their families in the States. Prior to this "long visit" many had asked the wives to move back with them and start over there. It's a lot to consider because it's not just the parents lives but the children's as well. The husbands would say they missed it back in Egypt. That is was their home. That they felt like failures here and couldn't face that anymore. Some blamed their wives even or the careers. Nearly always they blamed something other than themselves. They believed life in Egypt would have been better if they stayed and they compared themselves with their peers. But their wives wouldn't give up on their lives here and didn't believe it would be better in Egypt. Nearly every woman was left feeling deserted when they had to carry their struggling businesses by themselves since their spouse and business partners left them and they had to raise the children on their own. Seeing their businesses on the verge of collapse and their husband's gone they were faced with tough choices alone. Some sold their businesses. In some way these experiences empowered them for the first time to manage their lives on their own and they seemed stronger for it.

Even though they loved their husbands they saw their husbands wouldn't be back to their life in the States even for the family they made together and the women had to file for the divorce themselves because the husbands wouldn't even do this. Their spouse could no longer provide the monetary support nor be there for their children's daily lives so what choice did they have? They were in survival mode. While it may be more common for those coming from different cultures to divorce because of their differences it is also not uncommon for those from the same culture to divorce when two people want to be in different places in their lives. They tried to make it work but had compassion, love and courage enough to let each other go when they knew in their hearts the painful truth that for each other to be happy they had to let the other live the life they wanted more. You reached for your dreams, you dared to love this person and you knew love with this person. Cherish and honor that. You enriched your life and were not completely miserable for the life experiences you had together. You probably went places you never thought you'd go before and that was brave. You weren't afraid of life and you lived it on your terms. But life changes and sadly we can not control the feelings of others or things that may come at us sometimes.

[Robert&Karen 264]

Want a dog? Have a cat? Watch and learn....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sgcq4EGBFgI

[~PalmTreeGurl~ 154]

, I used to post here many years ago as we went through the torture of getting a visa through cairo. I am posting under an anonymous name as it would cause additional strife if I were voicing these problems in a forum. My husband is here now with me - we have built a nice life together - both have cars, bought a house, he got a decent job. But since day one it has been a struggle of views and culture. I am expected to do everything although he is not critical if things don't get done. His only responsibility he has excepted is to take out the garbage once a week and work 40 plus hours. I too work full time and take on additional work.

The main problem is communication if anything is discussed about politics or religion all hell breaks loose. We end up in huge fights/arguments. Its stupid @# %$^^$% #### o but I am to the point i don't want to talk about anything for fear it will start a battle. I feel he has depression since he came and have spoken to him about this. If he is not at work he is in bed on the computer - he has a hard time making friends and is critical of everyone as being not up to his moral standards. Its so hard to express this in a post as it comes off sounding so simplistic and there are two sides to every story.

I also am tired of carring all the weight of the household form cookin,laundry car care and the house repairs! I have to do everything he is unwilling and by this many years I dont see it changing.

The latest overcast on our relationship is he's a "faliure" compared to his friends in egypt and he ruined his life by marrying me - but it doesn't matter now cause its to late to go home as its to late to rebuild his career to where he left. Im sad I can't take it anymore there have been great times and horrible times but to me it feels like the final straw that I am the default result. I don't know what I am wanting by posting this perhaps others have had similar situations in there mena relationships and found away to improve the situation or how do you know when to part ways

Hi! And welcome back to VJ! P.S its never too late for him to go back home as there are daily flights going back to Egypt. Im very sorry for your sadness and for him being a douche by telling you he ruined his life by marrying you.

[Shoot Em Straight 385]

Hi! And welcome back to VJ! P.S its never too late for him to go back home as there are daily flights going back to Egypt. Im very sorry for your sadness and for him being a douche by telling you he ruined his life by marrying you.

Funny

[**The Dude** 7]

I feel you completely. The freaking rhetoric of "a man is a man" makes me SICK! NO! If a man has balls, he will do the impossible to make a woman- or a loved one- happy. Period. My fiance is egyptian, as you may observe. I kid you not I did the following: I brought an entire suitcase of clothes for him. They were incredibly disorganized! What a mess! Of course, I did it on purpose. I wanted to see what was he going to do once he said "thank you baby." Well, he took piece by piece and folded them neatly as I laid on the bed next to him. I didn't lift a finger. I simply watched him reorganize everything. He took hangers and organized everything by color and type of clothing. He didn't even ask for help. He didn't even look at me. He had a smile on his face and he did it perfectly. After that, I saw how he helped his mom in the kitchen and how he cleaned the bedroom. He cleaned the carpet and mop the floor. On another visit we went to Cairo together. He had his hotel room; I had mine. When I settled I visited his room. Everything was impecable, everything. I knew he was an incredibly organized man and that convinced me he's husband material. Yes, ladies, men SHOULD be evaluated too. The idea that we're the only ones that should be clean is outrageous!

Now on to the serious issue: different ideals. This is a very touchy issue... and serious. He is muslim; I am anti-religion. But that's where our differences in ideals and belief systems end. He's participated in political panels with amnesty international and I've heard him bring his point. That's how we met and that's how we fell in love. I am a strong activist in liberal politics, working in arts and entertainment. He knows that. He's a feminist and a radical liberal against sharia law. I know that. So, because that's our job, we agree to disagree. Yes, we've had heated debates. Granted, he hasn't arrived to NY. Things may change. I am prepared for that, however. I've changed infrastructure, adjusted some minor lifestyle behaviors (drinking less alcohol, for example) and done other things to make him comfortable. Under the same token, he MUST do the same. He's shown a critical need to learn Spanish- my family's native language- and is already studying the subway maps.

All this said, it's all about compromising. But if you live with a chauvinist narcissist that throws everything to a woman, it makes it almost impossible. Remember, men are not men just because they have a ####### and testosterone. In case you didn't know, women also have testosterone and men have estrogen! WOMEN raise chauvinists. We reinforce the submissive behavior. The best way to know how a man will be, is by meeting his mom. I did and that's how I got convinced I met my future husband.

I really really wish the best for you. I'm not gonna give you advise on what to do, other than change comes from within. Be his mirror. Stop cleaning the house for a week and see what happens. I know is disgusting and I know I would give up and start cleaning. But I also have a choice to pick up and leave and let him live with the filth for that week. I can guarantee 2 things will happen: the house will be spotless or he's back in Egypt. LOL! Do not settle for less than what you deserve. It doesn't mean you failed. It means God has something better for you in the future.

Good luck!

lol dude, you've got to chill!

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

, I used to post here many years ago as we went through the torture of getting a visa through cairo. I am posting under an anonymous name as it would cause additional strife if I were voicing these problems in a forum. My husband is here now with me - we have built a nice life together - both have cars, bought a house, he got a decent job. But since day one it has been a struggle of views and culture. I am expected to do everything although he is not critical if things don't get done. His only responsibility he has excepted is to take out the garbage once a week and work 40 plus hours. I too work full time and take on additional work.

The main problem is communication if anything is discussed about politics or religion all hell breaks loose. We end up in huge fights/arguments. Its stupid @# %$^^$% #### o but I am to the point i don't want to talk about anything for fear it will start a battle. I feel he has depression since he came and have spoken to him about this. If he is not at work he is in bed on the computer - he has a hard time making friends and is critical of everyone as being not up to his moral standards. Its so hard to express this in a post as it comes off sounding so simplistic and there are two sides to every story.

I also am tired of carring all the weight of the household form cookin,laundry car care and the house repairs! I have to do everything he is unwilling and by this many years I dont see it changing.

The latest overcast on our relationship is he's a "faliure" compared to his friends in egypt and he ruined his life by marrying me - but it doesn't matter now cause its to late to go home as its to late to rebuild his career to where he left. Im sad I can't take it anymore there have been great times and horrible times but to me it feels like the final straw that I am the default result. I don't know what I am wanting by posting this perhaps others have had similar situations in there mena relationships and found away to improve the situation or how do you know when to part ways

Danile, I dont post very much anymore but I want you to know that you can do absolutely everything right and still end up with a heartbreaking result. I know now looking back that I should not have brought a substantially younger and very uneducated man here to the US because I ended up supporting him for 3 years. He ended up emotionally leveling me and physically destroying me. As much as I wanted to blame him, it was my fault for sponsoring him to the US. He showed me ample signs when he was overseas that he was not really full of good character but often its so hard to get the person here, that we want to overlook things they did along the way. You have to find a way to forgive yourself and understand that as much as it hurts to be used, it sometimes messes up the mena persons mind to pretend to love someone they dont to get something. They often tell the people from back home they meet that they are in a fake marriage and the longer they stay in it the more stupid they look ( hence the whole you ruined my life thing) Yes other people have been through what you have been through. There are women who in 2007 had the world by the feet and are now foreclosed on 3 years later because they brought someone over here who couldnt carry their weight in a failing economy. I literally know one girl who brought a guy over here from Algeria and as the economy tanked in 2009, she MOVED AWAY and left him behind in the city she sponsored him to and moved out of state like leaving a puppy behind. Unfortunately there are some sad stories and mine was awful and remains awful and it was my fault. You have to understand that if he is unhappy, he will always be unhappy just like there are miserable mean americans, there are petulant spoiled brat mena guys too that will never be happy. Especially if they married you just to get out whereever they were living. If it was real love, they would work at things...and you do see people in this forum who's husbands try and are trying. Not every story ends bad but if it does, realise that you couldnt do any better and there are others who got hurt by this often difficult process. I was absolutely used for money and papers and was never loved and it hurts to admit it but I was and so were other women I knew. It doesnt mean everyone else was. But I was and it hurts still to today that I was targeted to abuse. I was naive and refused to take good advice before he landed stateside and would have done myself a favor if I would have divorced him during the wait. Instead, I wanted to beat a dead horse and ended up thousands of dollars in debt and sick and worse was to come. There comes a point that you have to forgive yourself. Please start doing that and do what you need to do to be happy again.Please..

[R and F 34]

Danile, I dont post very much anymore but I want you to know that you can do absolutely everything right and still end up with a heartbreaking result. I know now looking back that I should not have brought a substantially younger and very uneducated man here to the US because I ended up supporting him for 3 years. He ended up emotionally leveling me and physically destroying me. As much as I wanted to blame him, it was my fault for sponsoring him to the US. He showed me ample signs when he was overseas that he was not really full of good character but often its so hard to get the person here, that we want to overlook things they did along the way. You have to find a way to forgive yourself and understand that as much as it hurts to be used, it sometimes messes up the mena persons mind to pretend to love someone they dont to get something. They often tell the people from back home they meet that they are in a fake marriage and the longer they stay in it the more stupid they look ( hence the whole you ruined my life thing) Yes other people have been through what you have been through. There are women who in 2007 had the world by the feet and are now foreclosed on 3 years later because they brought someone over here who couldnt carry their weight in a failing economy. I literally know one girl who brought a guy over here from Algeria and as the economy tanked in 2009, she MOVED AWAY and left him behind in the city she sponsored him to and moved out of state like leaving a puppy behind. Unfortunately there are some sad stories and mine was awful and remains awful and it was my fault. You have to understand that if he is unhappy, he will always be unhappy just like there are miserable mean americans, there are petulant spoiled brat mena guys too that will never be happy. Especially if they married you just to get out whereever they were living. If it was real love, they would work at things...and you do see people in this forum who's husbands try and are trying. Not every story ends bad but if it does, realise that you couldnt do any better and there are others who got hurt by this often difficult process. I was absolutely used for money and papers and was never loved and it hurts to admit it but I was and so were other women I knew. It doesnt mean everyone else was. But I was and it hurts still to today that I was targeted to abuse. I was naive and refused to take good advice before he landed stateside and would have done myself a favor if I would have divorced him during the wait. Instead, I wanted to beat a dead horse and ended up thousands of dollars in debt and sick and worse was to come. There comes a point that you have to forgive yourself. Please start doing that and do what you need to do to be happy again.Please..

I admire you for telling us your story.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

I admire you for telling us your story.

It wasnt all his fault..I did not present an accurate picture of what life was going to be like here.. We had a horrible tragedy shortly after which I wont get into.. I then became sick last year with an auto immune disease...our divorce was never filed and we are in and out and I have been hospitalised off and on like 6 times this year...He says he loves me but then says he doesnt,, and its been a roller coaster and hard for all of us

I started this journey with him almost 6 years ago...and I love him..but hes hurt me..but I dont blame him for everything..we share a child in a cemetary and lots of hard memories...I say lots of things when i get upset about him just using me...but after all this time and all of this pain...I still love him..and hes always in my heart and mind..

I cant tell any one else not to take this journey..mine was just so hard and heartbreaking.. as hes gotten jobs and learned more about the us,hes nicer..but still an #### ..if that makes any sense

...sigh