sad times

[Ludyous 5]

That's exactly the problem. Why does she has to fulfill his goals? Why are we trying to cater to his needs and not hers? This make me sick! He moved here- he's the one that needs to adjust.

Everyone- with genuine intentions- marries to start a family. That's what a marriage is: a family. Children do not bring couples together. Children force adults to become more responsible, including becoming more civil to each other. In fact, there are numerous couples that put off separation, or divorce, because of children. Then, the children grow in a hostile environment, which makes matters worse. In a case like this, where there are differences in ideals, the last thing you may want is to have children. So, what are you teaching them?

We talked about that extensively. We both agreed that they'll learn from all religions- except satanic- and they will get to choose. The choices include atheism and spiritual, but not religious. This also goes with politics, although we'll be highly disappointed if any of my kids become a republican conservative. I rather they'd be satanic.

That's exactly the problem. Why does she has to fulfill his goals? Why are we trying to cater to his needs and not hers? This make me sick! He moved here- he's the one that needs to adjust.

THIS IS SOMETHING I KEEP TELLING MY HUSBAND!!

Edited February 2, 2012 by Ludyous

[Peace.... 281]

Well it took me many trips to Casablanca to see exactly what I needed to see in a sincere man who loves his family and friends. I was able to see how he treated his mother (with the deepest respect), I was able to see him help around the home, cook, wash dishes, wash clothes, go run errands for the family, and still keep me extremely happy while visiting him. I was amazed that a man could help around the home so much. Once here, he showed me his true COLORS and still continues helping but even more. He is not selfish at all, he always says to me, honey you work and I just sit here all day waiting for you to come home, so I should help you out as much as possible.

All I can say is thank you God for sending him my way.......

[NY_BX 397]

Well it took me many trips to Casablanca to see exactly what I needed to see in a sincere man who loves his family and friends. I was able to see how he treated his mother (with the deepest respect), I was able to see him help around the home, cook, wash dishes, wash clothes, go run errands for the family, and still keep me extremely happy while visiting him. I was amazed that a man could help around the home so much. Once here, he showed me his true COLORS and still continues helping but even more. He is not selfish at all, he always says to me, honey you work and I just sit here all day waiting for you to come home, so I should help you out as much as possible.

All I can say is thank you God for sending him my way.......

This is fantastic. See? it's not a cultural thing or a gender thing. Is a learned thing. If it were all the way around, if it were you sitting around and him working, it'll be expected for you to do house work and be thankful he's feeding you. Well, it goes both ways. Good for you!

That's exactly the problem. Why does she has to fulfill his goals? Why are we trying to cater to his needs and not hers? This make me sick! He moved here- he's the one that needs to adjust.

THIS IS SOMETHING I KEEP TELLING MY HUSBAND!!

LOL! Good luck. Hope you're not barking an old tree.

[Miss smarty pants 84]

I believe love is a choice. We find someone we are compatible with and we make it work. I can not tell you what choice to make, but you say you love each other. If that is true, then you already have the best gift on earth in each other. And the two of you together need to find a common ground to make it work. I am seeing more and more.....that anything worth having is worth fighting for. Good luck to you in your decision.

[NY_BX 397]

My fiance begged me for a dog today. He said he really really really truly wants a dog. I have 2 cats. I love animals. I have no problems with adopting a dog.

The discussion grew as to what to look for in a dog: cat friendly, house broken, size, breed allowed- or not allowed, etc. He didn't think too much about that because apparently there aren't that many laws protecting animals in Egypt. Here in NY you must have a license! Then we moved to who's doing what for and with the dog. Since it's his, I told him he must wake up and walk the dog and clean up after him, etc. The dog can't be large because we live, well, in NY. Plus, again, I have cats. A large dog could easily kill them! I told him "this is like marriage, but worse. You can divorce me, but not the dog. A pet- like a child- is a lifetime committment. A dog is foreva!" He went silent for a beat and said "I'm ready for a dog. I want a bulldog." I said "You are NOT buying a 2K dog. There are many dogs in shelters we can adopt for little to no money... and they are trained." He was like "Ok, good point. I just want a dog." So, I'm doing research where to adopt a housebroken, cat friendly dog so he can choose one.

This situation reminded me about this post. Committment and compromising.... Start with a pet BEFORE you have any children!

[Amber & Ahmed 133]

take it easy the man is the man in every culture and every country if he loved u once u can make him love u again. its easy for u to do so if u know what makes him happy and what makes him upset. don't talk about religion or politics if that creates an argument its that easy. get him to talk to u about everything he really feels inside him. try to compromise with him to be able to live happier. that's all i can say as i don't really details so good luck

HOLY! WHAT???!!! Are you freaking kidding me???? I think you should resist the urge to reply when you have nothing useful to say! I think she HAS compromised with her husband in every way possible. You must be one of those wives whose husband is still across the ocean, um yea good luck with that! GEEZE some people!

I know EXACTLY what you mean. Feel free to PM me if you would like to talk. Although we are committed to making it work there are definitely cultural issues that come up from time to time.

Betsy

AGREE!

[Amber & Ahmed 133]

Don't listen to this #######. Being submissive will only make you more miserable. #######!? You don't need to "make him love you again."

Un f*&%%^*(&* believable.

HAHAHAHAHA LOVE THIS REPLY! and AGREE! I am at time submissive to my husband in many ways, but when it comes to the things said and way I am treated I stand my ground! I do not know ####### she was thinking posting that garbage! "make him love you again."

[Amber & Ahmed 133]

Well it has been awhile since a topic has caught my interest and caused me to post. Let me first say I am sorry you and your husband are in a rough period. Ahmed (my husband) has only been with me here briefly now and we are busy busy adjusting together and getting our life on track. In saying this I want you to know I understand somewhat your situation. Husbands in general can be difficult to understand in their ways of nature and nurture (past or present) but I do know that NO ONE deserves to be verbally abused or to go unheard. I read a lot about what our fellow VJers have posted to you and I agree wholeheartedly with their opinions I really have no further advice to offer you except to search your own heart and mind to see if you can find a solution to these times you both are going through. As always turn to God and ask Him to intervene and cause a peace to come over you and your husband, one thing I know with all my heart is God hears the prayers of His children and is close to those with a broken heart. Please feel free to message me if I can help in any way, even if it is someone to be a sounding board for your thoughts. I am always around checking in on my VJ family and praying for all. I also yahoo if you do too! Best wishes!

Amber

[NY_BX 397]

HAHAHAHAHA LOVE THIS REPLY! and AGREE! I am at time submissive to my husband in many ways, but when it comes to the things said and way I am treated I stand my ground! I do not know ####### she was thinking posting that garbage! "make him love you again."

Submissive? NEVER! LOL! That post was obnoxious and incredibly offensive. What da F**K? I am as dumbfounded as you are. I stand my ground at all times. In fact, people that know me well, including Bill Maher, have asked if HE is taking MY last name, LOL! We're keeping our original names. He feel in love with me with this name, period.

Edited February 3, 2012 by NY_BX

[danile 0]

Thanks everyone for your responses! It is just so hard, as he is just not happy here and how do you help someone who has no intention on changing. I have tried through these years so many things and to always end back in the same cycle. I just feel broken hearted. Im going to take some time and just see how things go.

If our marriage ends I feel like a failure and an idiot, I hate that some not all the people in my real world will be "told you so" or "what did you expect". I hate letting down my husband and seeing him in pain too and yet to stay together in such an atmosphere where I know he is seriously not happy and I too am struggling is really hard to.

I find wording the posting so difficult because its such a small piece of the story and so much has gone on in all this time Good and not so Good. I truly thank you all for being there when I reached out I know I have to find the answer within - and i'm scared and sad

[Amber & Ahmed 133]

Submissive? NEVER! LOL! That post was obnoxious and incredibly offensive. What da F**K? I am as dumbfounded as you are. I stand my ground at all times. In fact, people that know me well, including Bill Maher, have asked if HE is taking MY last name, LOL! We're keeping our original names. He feel in love with me with this name, period.

To be honest I do not mind being a tad bit submissive to my husband, but always I am in control of me and my emotions, actions, etc! LOL to your husband taking your last name! I too chose to keep my last name and I wear it proudly it doesnt make me any less married. I just had to make a comment once I seen that asinine comment I mean really? Was she freaking kidding???!!!! Make him fall in love again??? I about leapt from my seat and shot into orbit seeing that... tsk, tsk!

[Amber & Ahmed 133]

Thanks everyone for your responses! It is just so hard, as he is just not happy here and how do you help someone who has no intention on changing. I have tried through these years so many things and to always end back in the same cycle. I just feel broken hearted. Im going to take some time and just see how things go.

If our marriage ends I feel like a failure and an idiot, I hate that some not all the people in my real world will be "told you so" or "what did you expect". I hate letting down my husband and seeing him in pain too and yet to stay together in such an atmosphere where I know he is seriously not happy and I too am struggling is really hard to.

I find wording the posting so difficult because its such a small piece of the story and so much has gone on in all this time Good and not so Good. I truly thank you all for being there when I reached out I know I have to find the answer within - and i'm scared and sad

Without going into great detail in such a public forum I will say I completely understand what your saying! The real world people will be quick to judge you and your situation and you know what LET THEM! Those that do that are basically showing there moxy and you know what their worth is! So if you do come to the decision to end your marriage (which I am praying won't happen and I am believing God will intervene if you let Him) use that as a sweeping out the attic kind of thing, so those that judge and criticize can be on their way out too, and those that love and comfort you through just proved their weight in gold! Do not be scared when we are scared we make decisions based on that fear, try to get to a calm quiet place and trust in yourself! You are going to be fine sister!

[NY_BX 397]

Thanks everyone for your responses! It is just so hard, as he is just not happy here and how do you help someone who has no intention on changing. I have tried through these years so many things and to always end back in the same cycle. I just feel broken hearted. Im going to take some time and just see how things go.

If our marriage ends I feel like a failure and an idiot, I hate that some not all the people in my real world will be "told you so" or "what did you expect". I hate letting down my husband and seeing him in pain too and yet to stay together in such an atmosphere where I know he is seriously not happy and I too am struggling is really hard to.

I find wording the posting so difficult because its such a small piece of the story and so much has gone on in all this time Good and not so Good. I truly thank you all for being there when I reached out I know I have to find the answer within - and i'm scared and sad

I'm not gonna tell you how to feel. But I will tell you what reality is... and no, you're not a failure nor an idiot. Please, frankly, he is the failure and an idiot for letting you down. Sorry, but love one another like you love yourself... and that goes both ways. In other words, don't put yourself last.

Good luck!

[Orando 57]

, I used to post here many years ago as we went through the torture of getting a visa through cairo. I am posting under an anonymous name as it would cause additional strife if I were voicing these problems in a forum. My husband is here now with me - we have built a nice life together - both have cars, bought a house, he got a decent job. But since day one it has been a struggle of views and culture. I am expected to do everything although he is not critical if things don't get done. His only responsibility he has excepted is to take out the garbage once a week and work 40 plus hours. I too work full time and take on additional work.

The main problem is communication if anything is discussed about politics or religion all hell breaks loose. We end up in huge fights/arguments. Its stupid @# %$^^$% #### o but I am to the point i don't want to talk about anything for fear it will start a battle. I feel he has depression since he came and have spoken to him about this. If he is not at work he is in bed on the computer - he has a hard time making friends and is critical of everyone as being not up to his moral standards. Its so hard to express this in a post as it comes off sounding so simplistic and there are two sides to every story.

I also am tired of carring all the weight of the household form cookin,laundry car care and the house repairs! I have to do everything he is unwilling and by this many years I dont see it changing.

The latest overcast on our relationship is he's a "faliure" compared to his friends in egypt and he ruined his life by marrying me - but it doesn't matter now cause its to late to go home as its to late to rebuild his career to where he left. Im sad I can't take it anymore there have been great times and horrible times but to me it feels like the final straw that I am the default result. I don't know what I am wanting by posting this perhaps others have had similar situations in there mena relationships and found away to improve the situation or how do you know when to part ways

Hang in there danile, that is a lot to work out and overcome and if you and your husband are able to work it out, you all will experience the fullness and truth of love for the rest of your lives together. This is where love is tested, I think every couple goes through it from what I have seen, some work through it, some part ways. I hope you all turn the corner soon. Sounds like your husband is having a crisis of some kind, things may not be playing out as he thought and now he is having a difficult time adapting to his new reality, playing what if scenarios in his head, looking at his peers etc. One day, I hope he wakes up and realizes he has the 2nd best thing a man can have in life, a wife, with the 1st being a relationship with the Creator.

I hear you on the arguing about religion and politics. Neither my wife nor I are into politics, we like to watch it, it is interesting, but we are not activist, just not that important to us. Religion is important to us, we both look to the Christ, but we are in different places in our lives with our individual relationships with the Christ, we have different understandings of certain things, we argued about it in the beginning of our relationship. We both learned to accept the other person's views and beliefs and leave everything else to faith. We stopped trying to change each others views, that only lead to clashes, now we accept each other's views and leave the rest to faith. Just sharing, cause I hear you. One of the two, religion or politics, is tough to argue about in a relationship, let alone both.

Anybody that would point to you and say you are a failure has three fingers pointing right back at them. Misery loves company as they say.

Take care.

[True Love at Last 15]

Salamu alaikum - Peace be upon you,

You have been given some great advice here. I had a similar situation and after many years of "making it work", I finally had to do what was best for me and my kids. Thank God (Alhamdulillah)we are happily divorced and remain as friendly as we can for our daughter. I truly pray that you find peace (InshaAllah) in what ever your decision is and please remember you can not make him change his ways. He has to want to either adapt to his new environment or he should consider finding what truly makes him happy. You can only do so much and sometimes it will never be enough in their eyes. Maybe God (Allah) has a better plan for your future. I have to say I did not dream that I would find love again but God (Allah) has blessed me once again (Alhamdulillah).

Feel free to message me if you need to talk. No questions asked :-)

Salam