Feeling betrayed

[Elena 0]

Hello, I'm new here and I just need to talk to someone.

Today, I asked my best friend to be a co-sponsor and she said she couldn't do it. She said it was too big of a responsibility, which I do agree. Part of me feels like maybe I don't have the right to ask her for such a thing. And she has a right to say no. But another part of me feels betrayed. We have been best friends since the 9th grade. We spent four years at the same college together. We are like the women from Sex and the City. We have shared everything from happy times to dating woes. She was the first person I told when my fiance and I decided to get married. She knows how difficult the visa process has been for me and how much I miss my husband. When she said she couldn't do it, I was calm about it although I felt like crying. I just said it's ok, I understand. But really, I don't understand. Friends are supposed to be there for each other during times like this. I've never needed her as much as I do now.

I asked her to be a co-sponsor as a last resort. Believe me, I feel horrible that I even have to find a co-sponsor. I should be able to sponsor my husband without the help of anyone. And if I can't, I shouldn't be doing it right? Well, I'm in a transition period and it just happened that the interview is scheduled during this period. If it was a few more months from now, things would be okay. I just finished grad school and I'm unemployed at the moment. I apply for jobs everyday but I don't think I will find one by the time of his interview. That's why I decided to swallow my pride and ask for help. I can't ask any family members because they don't approve of this marriage to begin with. I have other friends too but most of them are students too and I'm not close enough to them to ask. If my best friend won't do it, who will? It is such a low and demeaning position to be in, to be at the mercy of someone else. At one point, I almost said to her, "Please don't make me beg." I was so close to saying it but I managed to salvage enough pride not to beg. What little pride I do have left is draining away. I'm desperatly out of time and out of ideas.

Sometimes you think the people around you will always be there for you but what happens when they aren't? How do you maintain dignity in desperate times? I've had a lot to think about today. I don't know what esle to do but write. Thanks for listening.

Elena

[tom&tata 2]

Hello, I'm new here and I just need to talk to someone.

Today, I asked my best friend to be a co-sponsor and she said she couldn't do it. She said it was too big of a responsibility, which I do agree. Part of me feels like maybe I don't have the right to ask her for such a thing. And she has a right to say no. But another part of me feels betrayed. We have been best friends since the 9th grade. We spent four years at the same college together. We are like the women from Sex and the City. We have shared everything from happy times to dating woes. She was the first person I told when my fiance and I decided to get married. She knows how difficult the visa process has been for me and how much I miss my husband. When she said she couldn't do it, I was calm about it although I felt like crying. I just said it's ok, I understand. But really, I don't understand. Friends are supposed to be there for each other during times like this. I've never needed her as much as I do now.

I asked her to be a co-sponsor as a last resort. Believe me, I feel horrible that I even have to find a co-sponsor. I should be able to sponsor my husband without the help of anyone. And if I can't, I shouldn't be doing it right? Well, I'm in a transition period and it just happened that the interview is scheduled during this period. If it was a few more months from now, things would be okay. I just finished grad school and I'm unemployed at the moment. I apply for jobs everyday but I don't think I will find one by the time of his interview. That's why I decided to swallow my pride and ask for help. I can't ask any family members because they don't approve of this marriage to begin with. I have other friends too but most of them are students too and I'm not close enough to them to ask. If my best friend won't do it, who will? It is such a low and demeaning position to be in, to be at the mercy of someone else. At one point, I almost said to her, "Please don't make me beg." I was so close to saying it but I managed to salvage enough pride not to beg. What little pride I do have left is draining away. I'm desperatly out of time and out of ideas.

Sometimes you think the people around you will always be there for you but what happens when they aren't? How do you maintain dignity in desperate times? I've had a lot to think about today. I don't know what esle to do but write. Thanks for listening.

Elena

I can't offer advise, just would like to say I am sorry this has to happen. Maybe you might want to ask other people in your family (your aunt, uncle, brother, sister) who might be in position to help with the support thing. Other than that, probably talk to your parents - they might agree to help eventhough they do not approve the marriage in first place. You never know !

You can also get jobs which might not be what you want, but at least it does give income enough for the support.

Good luck & don't loose hope.

Edited February 24, 2006 by tom&tata

[CarolineM 0]

Wow. What a hard situation. First of all, I totally feel for you and my heart goes out. I can imagine how your heart must be breaking. That said, while I am sure you feel upset with your friend, I would not be angry with her. You have to understand what a HUGE and intimidating undertaking it is to sponsor an immigrant you hardly know and have no connection to, other than you best friend loves him? I can't say that, before I really knew about this process and how it works, that I would have done it for my best friend...

Maybe you should speak with your parents again. I would say that they might come around if they know that your happiness rests with this one thing. While they may not approve, often including them nonetheless can decrease their anxiety. They MAY be anxious about the marriage because it is new and foreign (no pun intended) to them. Including them and really letting them know how much it means to you may help.

How far short are you on your own? Does he have any assets you could use?? Do you worry that you really may NOT be able to support him once he's here - beacuse it could be quite a while before he can work to help contribute...

Just things to think about. I wish you luck and hope you are able to work through this difficult time.

[Dixie_Peach 1]

I don't know what to say... other than I am praying for you both... and ***huge hugs***

[000OOO000 0]

Its really a big responsibility for the supporter and knowing the government can hold you liable isnt something that should be taking lightly. Am I sure this is what your friend is thinking. Don't be mad at her she has to look after her herself first.

[TracyTN 237]

Its really a big responsibility for the supporter and knowing the government can hold you liable isnt something that should be taking lightly. Am I sure this is what your friend is thinking. Don't be mad at her she has to look after her herself first.

I agree. I know it puts you in a bind, but it does prove that she gave it some serious thought.

[Yodrak 7]

Elena,

You should have no trouble finding a job or jobs that will enable you to sponsor your husband - this issue is more likely finding the kind of job you would prefer? While waiting to find that job, the day shift at McDonalds and the night shift at Burger King should give you sufficient income to qualify as a sponsor.

Just out of curiosity, since you are unemployed and have no income at the moment, did the sponsorship you were hoping to get from your best friend include more than just signing a paper? Did it include donating real money to the cause? Because someone is going to have to feed, clothe, and house him until you find a job that suits you.

Yodrak

Hello, I'm new here and I just need to talk to someone.

Today, I asked my best friend to be a co-sponsor and she said she couldn't do it. She said it was too big of a responsibility, which I do agree. Part of me feels like maybe I don't have the right to ask her for such a thing. And she has a right to say no. But another part of me feels betrayed. We have been best friends since the 9th grade. We spent four years at the same college together. We are like the women from Sex and the City. We have shared everything from happy times to dating woes. She was the first person I told when my fiance and I decided to get married. She knows how difficult the visa process has been for me and how much I miss my husband. When she said she couldn't do it, I was calm about it although I felt like crying. I just said it's ok, I understand. But really, I don't understand. Friends are supposed to be there for each other during times like this. I've never needed her as much as I do now.

I asked her to be a co-sponsor as a last resort. Believe me, I feel horrible that I even have to find a co-sponsor. I should be able to sponsor my husband without the help of anyone. And if I can't, I shouldn't be doing it right? Well, I'm in a transition period and it just happened that the interview is scheduled during this period. If it was a few more months from now, things would be okay. I just finished grad school and I'm unemployed at the moment. I apply for jobs everyday but I don't think I will find one by the time of his interview. That's why I decided to swallow my pride and ask for help. I can't ask any family members because they don't approve of this marriage to begin with. I have other friends too but most of them are students too and I'm not close enough to them to ask. If my best friend won't do it, who will? It is such a low and demeaning position to be in, to be at the mercy of someone else. At one point, I almost said to her, "Please don't make me beg." I was so close to saying it but I managed to salvage enough pride not to beg. What little pride I do have left is draining away. I'm desperatly out of time and out of ideas.

Sometimes you think the people around you will always be there for you but what happens when they aren't? How do you maintain dignity in desperate times? I've had a lot to think about today. I don't know what esle to do but write. Thanks for listening.

Elena

[john_and_marlene 162]

I think too many people take this whole financial support issue way too lightly.

It's not just a signature no matter how much you promise you'll never ask for the support.

They are promising to provide real support by signing that. It's not just another form that someone needs to sign just to get a visa.

[CarolineM 0]

That's exactly what I was thinking!!

For once, i'm right on target :)

[jennieh 0]

Well it all depends you people need to remember not to judge from just what you see. You dont know her whole story and whats going on. There is always more to a story then what you see. But your right you may just think of it as signing a peice of paper but it is a big responsibility. You have to be willing to take care yourself and your spouse once they arrive someone cant do it for you!

[dmartmar 1]

Just b/c she's your best friend doesn't mean she has to be responsible for your marriage and eventual husband. You can't and shouldn't be angry at her at all. What you're asking from her is a HUGE responsibility and if something was to eventually go wrong in your marriage, she would be the one responsible for him for a LOOOOONG time.

Edited February 25, 2006 by dmartmar

[Flames9_RN 358]

HArd situation, but I don't blame your friend,its a huge responsibility. They say one should never loan money to friends, best way to wreck a friendship, not exactly the case here, but similar. Best of luck

[shakysgirl 1]

I'm sorry you are going through this as well. It is very difficult to swallow your pride and reach out for help. I had to do it as well, and it was tough. When I first arrived in the US in December I had to take any job I could get, and that required me to have a co-sponsor. I waited ages before I finally approached my mother and stepfather and they said yes. My father, whom I love dearly and I know loves me, said no. I am not angry at him for that because i realized that he took careful consideration before he answered. Your friend may be hurting just as much as you are by feeling the need to say no to you. I'm sure she probably didn't want to, but felt no other choice. I was fortunate to get a very good job a few weeks ago, which means I no longer need the dreaded co-sponsor for the AOS paperwork. I think you should go out and get whatever job you can find- someone mentioned Burger King. Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do in the short term to make the long term better. Good luck to you- I'm sure you will find a lot of support here if you feel the need to talk about anything or vent your feelings.

[chocolaterie 0]

Putting myself in your shoes I can understand how you feel. And you probably think that if the situation was reversed you would be the one signing that sponsorship. Just remember (judging from the length of the relationship) that she has been there for you in the past and will be there in the future. Everyone has different ways of showing you that they care. Maybe this it too much and too soon of a responsibilty for her. But I do agree with Yodrak, find a job that you might not like so much. It's not a long term soln but it'll help for the present situation.

[metinspain 0]

Chin up. If you've just finished grad school, then SURELY you must be marketable enough to get some kind of decent job for the interim. And you probably won't be forced to flip burgers to do it! (Not that there is anything wrong with that.) My point is, with your qualifications and educational background, an employer is sure to snatch you up sooner or later. Keep believing in yourself and just keep applying for jobs, as you say have been every day. Something will work out! It's easy to panick in situations like this, and that can make the process of job hunting seem even more daunting than it normally would. It can also blind you to some of the options in front of you. However, all is not lost.

Have you tried searching jobs on Monster.com or even in the paper, instead of just targeting only the employers you really WANT to work for? That might widen the net a bit. Worst case scenario, you take a job you don't like/want for a few months and switch employers when your ideal job offer comes along. I also strongly recommend finding yourself a good head-hunter or job placement agency. Before my husband and I decided to move back to the US, I had been using a few here in the UK (they are very commonly used this side of the pond.) I can tell you that the job opening notices and interviews came pouring in once I started using them! This might really help your situtation...just get several head-hunters working for you at once.

As for your friend, I'm really sorry about your disappointment. Just give her a break and try to put yourself in her position. Her saying no to your request to co-sponsor doesn't mean that your friendship isn't important to her. (Remember Carrie and Charlotte when Carrie needed money to buy her apartment!) She's probably just as hurt that she had to say no as you are. Remember that while she can't provide the financial support you asked for, she can still provide a lot of other things to you throughout this process...like a shoulder to lean on and someone to listen! That's what matters most. The rest will work itself out.

Best of luck to you!

Mariel