I THOUGHT I SHOULD SHARE THIS WITH ALL OF U

[rlogan 2,036]

Your fiance is seeing how easy you are to manipulate. This won't be the only example.

You are in what researchers call the "evaluation phase" of this manipulator, where they try different tactics on you to see what works. If they see that they can bait you and then withold the information to keep themselves in power over you then it will be played again and a gain in a thousand different configurations.

Nobody knows better than the manipulator that what they are doing is mean and stressful. But they put on this act, pretending their motivations are good. The purpose of doing this is to see if they can get away with saying the opposite of what they are doing. Naiive, gullible, and super-conscientious people will listen to their smiling lies instead of watching their nasty actions.

The literature says this: first, pay attention to your gut instincts: your gut says something is wrong, which is why you posted. You're darn tootin' something is wrong: you're being manipulated. Look very carefully for where else your gut was saying "red flag". Did you let them explain them away?

Second, it says to cut manipulative people out of your life instead of suffering the insufferable. Manipulative people make for horrific marriages.

Third, if you have to live with one because it is family or a work co-hort or whatever, they say to give them choices - and these choices have to be enforceable. I don't know the specifics in your case but if this was someone new to me I would say to them that they either tell me or else this is the end of our acquaintance: I don't put up with manipulative #######. If this is some kind of outlier (which I doubt), then a similar choice is to tell them that this is the end of any conversations with them until they tell the truth. You cannot let people pull this on you or there's no end to it.

If they are cruel and unreasonable they will say they are sorry they brought it up and blame you for pressing them: then you know you have a real nasty one on your hands. A nice person is going to apologize immediatly because they have empathy for you, and tell you. The cruel person starts with a mean trick like this and then ends up blaming you for it. That isn't love. It's a war. That is how a manipulator views relationships: A war for power and control, but played in dirty underhanded tactics instead of being honest and open about it. Because underneath this mask is coward who works by deception instead of open and above-board.

There will be people saying I am reading too much into this, but they aren't the ones who have to live with a person that does this to you. If you like how you feel now, then just multiply by a thousand to understand what a life with them is going to be like if they are pulling this kind of ####### on you.

[easyriders2011 14]

@RLOGAN:

This has absolutely NOTHING to do with this thread, but I can't help but ask after seeing your info.

Please excuse me for asking but I just can't resist.

You're in the middle of Alaska, and your fiancee is coming from PI.

Does she have any idea what she is heading into? I can't think of a more polar opposite, pun intended.

Edited January 30, 2012 by easyriders2011

[Darnell 8,479]

WhT WOULD ANY OF U DO IF YOUR FIANCE OR FIANCEE SAID TO U OVER THE PHONE THAT-OH I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL U BUT I CANT TELL U UNTILL U GET TO THE US?.I FIND IT RATHER STRANGE

I'd be looking for the prior wife that wasn't divorced, and the passel of kids that he's supporting.

@RLOGAN:

You're in the middle of Alaska, and your fiancee is coming from PI.

You might want to study his timeline - learn that she's been in Alaska for a bit now, they've married already, and have had a child together. In other news, they've been having a grand time in Alaska for quite some time.

Let me know if you can't see the timeline clickie thing under his name?

[turveydrop 4]

I don't think we have enough information to give any meaningful advice, though maybe some of these commenters know your situation better than I do. Can you give us a bit more information about what was said? Was it playful or apprehensive? Did you at least ask if it was good or bad news? If you persisted, or if they indicated that it's something that might affect your relationship, then that is unfair and, quite frankly, might be an indication that you need to reevaluate the level of trust in your relationship.

[JimVaPhuong 4,863]

If I can 'see' the surprise wrapped in brightly colored paper then I'll wait as long as my birthday or Christmas to find out what it is. Other than that, my limit on surprises is 24 hours.

[rlogan 2,036]

@RLOGAN:

This has absolutely NOTHING to do with this thread, but I can't help but ask after seeing your info.

Please excuse me for asking but I just can't resist.

You're in the middle of Alaska, and your fiancee is coming from PI.

Does she have any idea what she is heading into? I can't think of a more polar opposite, pun intended.

We've been together four years, and have two children. We live in a log cabin on the edge of the wilderness of Interior Alaska. It's been fifty below zero these last couple of days, seventy below zero windchill. She's the one bringing in the firewood because my leg is broken. She loves it here.

I flew bushplanes for over 20 years before I met her and was a wilderness junkie and hunting and fishing nut. If she didn't have the capacity for this I wouldn't have married her. We met in person, not online, and I laid it all out on the computer with pictures and a lot of stories. I've shot bears trying to get into the cabin, had pet moose - crashed planes and sunk boats. We've had two visitors in the last year at this cabin. One of them is Howard and Florence Benson on this forum.

google "alaska filippina". Boatloads of pictures and stuff.

[Amy_and_Victor 159]

WhT WOULD ANY OF U DO IF YOUR FIANCE OR FIANCEE SAID TO U OVER THE PHONE THAT-OH I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL U BUT I CANT TELL U UNTILL U GET TO THE US?.I FIND IT RATHER STRANGE

I would tell that long distance relationship and immigration process is very bad field to play games and tricks, and if she has to tell me something important, it's not acceptable to keep secrets till POE. [Victor from Russia]

[bste3 0]

We've been together four years, and have two children. We live in a log cabin on the edge of the wilderness of Interior Alaska. It's been fifty below zero these last couple of days, seventy below zero windchill. She's the one bringing in the firewood because my leg is broken. She loves it here.

I flew bushplanes for over 20 years before I met her and was a wilderness junkie and hunting and fishing nut. If she didn't have the capacity for this I wouldn't have married her. We met in person, not online, and I laid it all out on the computer with pictures and a lot of stories. I've shot bears trying to get into the cabin, had pet moose - crashed planes and sunk boats. We've had two visitors in the last year at this cabin. One of them is Howard and Florence Benson on this forum.

google "alaska filippina". Boatloads of pictures and stuff.

Sounds like a pretty sweet place to live, besides the -50

[brandonbeth 2]

WhT WOULD ANY OF U DO IF YOUR FIANCE OR FIANCEE SAID TO U OVER THE PHONE THAT-OH I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL U BUT I CANT TELL U UNTILL U GET TO THE US?.I FIND IT RATHER STRANGE

it might b a grt surprise fa u. dont worry just keep the flame burning

[azopenmic 0]

WhT WOULD ANY OF U DO IF YOUR FIANCE OR FIANCEE SAID TO U OVER THE PHONE THAT-OH I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL U BUT I CANT TELL U UNTILL U GET TO THE US?.I FIND IT RATHER STRANGE

It would drive me crazy. I would want all cards on the table. After going through all of the immigration hassle there should be no secrets and to me it is inconsiderate of your feelings to make you worry without telling you what is going on. You can only fill in the blanks with your imagination at this point. The person is a millionaire? The person is transgender? The person has a disease? Who knows?

To me your use of all caps is not nearly as annoying as the people who focus on that rather than the substance of what you say. We were all new once. Good luck.

[bigdog 376]

Find out what it is before you go farther with the process.

[ndu26 114]

Now your fiance has everyone on here that has read your post waiting....

you got that right

[Fernandez19 1]

POE is point of entry which means when he makes a point of entry into the UNITED STATES

[Amy_and_Victor 159]

it might b a grt surprise fa u. dont worry just keep the flame burning

... or it may be a big pile of #######, and OP will have to deal with it when she already will leave her native country and will burn a lot of bridges... [Victor from Russia]

[Austramerican 83]

I'm the American, but I would want to know. I'd be like boy you're tripping if you think I'm going to drop everything and leave my country, my family, friends etc with you keeping secrets! You need to find out asap because that's not a surprise thats torture and not fair for you at alllll~