WANT A DIVORCE

[Orando 57]

Hello yes at his job they take a month off for vacation every year. but he told me about a month ago maybe that the managers would have to tell them on when they could take there vacation time starting this year. So when i called his job last nite one of his coworkers told me that he was on leave as they say since jan and want return until March. We have been talking for almost 2 yrs now. I've been over there 2 times. and he is a bad liar. He can not tell a good lie. when I was in his country I caught him in a lie and he confessed and told the truth. so i an always tell when he's lieing he's not a professional!! he start stumbling over his words... but when I was with him he showed me the best time, he was very sweet,gentle and caring. He never made feel like he was really hiding something when I was there and each time i stayed about 16days. i really enjoyed myself with him. this behavior here that he protrayed last nite was just out of character he has never done this before so I don't know what is going on. but i definely feel that he was with some1 last nite. because he always take my phone call or he will immediately call me back. but something was just different last nite. So today i'm a little calmer then last nite so i will talk with him today when calls me back. I think i will let him know that I know that he is on vacation or leave or what ever they call it over there.

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Hi: Thanks for adding more coloring on your situation. I think you have good instincts and you are no spring chicken as they say. This sucks, very hurtful, my heart goes out to you, but I think you will be ok, you do not have rose colored glasses on which can get us in trouble in relationships. You know, my family is from Liberia, West Africa, and the men there tend to have a lot of women, I see it with the men in my family, generalizing never really describes a unique person well, but he may truly love and care for you, but old habits die-hard with womanizing men. The women in Liberia just accept it from what I have seen due to the country being a male dominated country.

I think that is great you are going to talk to him, get real with him, may I suggest that you do not accuse him but simply ask him to explain himself. State the facts that you have, state how that looks to you and ask him to explain himself and why you should think anything different. At first, take a soft position that you really hope this is not true and that he needs to explain to you why you are wrong. You seem to have good judgement, I have always contended that people with good judgement that do not have rose colored glasses on can sniff out the green card sharks eventually. Anyways, I am no marital counselor, but my heart goes out to you, you seem like a real sweetie. Orando

Edited January 29, 2012 by Orando

[american Girl 2]

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Hi: Thanks for adding more coloring on your situation. I think you have good instincts and you are no spring chicken as they say. This sucks, very hurtful, my heart goes out to you, but I think you will be ok, you do not have rose colored glasses on which can get us in trouble in relationships. You know, my family is from Liberia, West Africa, and the men there tend to have a lot of women, I see it with the men in my family, generalizing never really describes a unique person well, but he may truly love and care for you, but old habits die-hard with womanizing men. The women in Liberia just accept it from what I have seen due to the country being a male dominated country.

I think that is great you are going to talk to him, get real with him, may I suggest that you do not accuse him but simply ask him to explain himself. State the facts that you have, state how that looks to you and ask him to explain himself and why you should think anything different. At first, take a soft position that you really hope this is not true and that he needs to explain to you why you are wrong. You seem to have good judgement, I have always contended that people with good judgement that do not have rose colored glasses on can sniff out the green card sharks eventually. Anyways, I am no marital counselor, but my heart goes out to you, you seem like a real sweetie. Orando

Yes I will take your advice I'm planning on being very soft with him when we talk. I'm expecting the truth to be revealed today because life is to short to be with someone planning games. I have always been skeptical of people and more so of the people that is trying to come to the states. I have asked him before is he just trying to get the states for a better life. but of course he says hes not. but if he gets here and thats what it turns out he will have hell on his hands. I will make his life a living hell and a nitemare here. he will be wishing he was make in Ghana. Now that this has came up I am petitioning for his son which is 6yrs old to come with him, but his case haven't closed with uscis and that was July 26 i filed. but I think that will be put on hold i will not pay NVC anything to process that paperwork now. i'm done if he makes it here he will have to file for his son to come.

[Darrien&Lei 3]

UPDATE: he finally called me back last nite, but his story didn't add up. So I called his job and the guy that answer the phone was very helpful he told me that he was on leave. So when I spoke to the husband he stated he was not on vacation. He was just busted. but I didn't let him know that i knew he was vacation. I asked him to mailed my package back he stated he would put it in the mail. Then I asked him to let me speak to one of his collegue at work but he couldn't do that. He was just full of ####### last nite. I'm very confused at this point, but I know that something is not right and he's doing something that is not right. But sister is telling me that I just can't go divorcing him because of that because a man will be a man so I will always be divorcing. So I'm really just hurt and confused right now don't know what to do even though I know he has lied to me and not being honest. I really love my husband alot but I don't know if I can go on with these lies. What's ur opinion????

My interview is in a couple of days and if I see that my wife to be is or has lied to me it is over. All we have at this point it trust. she/he is there and we are here! We have to go through so much for them. My wife and I has talked about the what would be a relationship ender on both ends. Lying is more important than cheating. Both will end it, but lying we agreed was the worst and would lead to what ever legal action we could take and hating one another, whereas cheating would just end our relationship and friendship. Sorry to say this girl. Leave him alone, no matter what anyone says. I have been there and done that and wasted 12 years of my life hoping she would do right and it never happened. ( boy is she sorry) Now she gets to watch me and my wife to be move forward. Move on and I know it hurt like hell. move on, you will find that man that love and respect you enough to tell you the truth always. I am one so we are still out here... ( no I have NEVER LIED to my wife to be! ) yea I pissed her off, but told her the truth and she loves the hell out of me for it.

[andrea y arturo 14]

Sorry to hear about what you are going through.... if all that you say is accurate the relationship may not be worth saving ... and I say MAY because in the end it is up to you. Not your sister, not your family and not anyone on this forum. I would confront him and ask him for an explanation before you make a decision.

[Shoot Em Straight 385]

Men will be men ... true that. And there are men that won't lie to you.

You deserve a good man

American girl

READ this and think with your head not your emotions

The distance already plays heavy on people that have to wait for the visa process...a lot of us can attest to this on VJ, so chasing down the truth over the phone cannot help a long distance relationship.

You mentioned he was so good to you when you were there 2x for 16 days which makes it out of his character for him to treat you this way...(by not answering his phone) Maybe there needs to be more time together to really know your "husband"?

You need to think if you want to continue with a relationship where there is question of trust. If it is this way now...what of the future for you both?

Try your best to calmly communicate and consider yourself blessed to find out things(good or bad)about him ..before him getting approved and moving here. It is your sister that gave this primitive advice or his? either way dont accept that men will be men...There are good honest respectful men out there that honor a woman, a wife and most of all love God

Put your emotions aside and try to think...you cannot change a man if he is a liar...whether it be attempted in the U.S. or Ghana.

When so many people on VJ are fighting to get there loved ones a chance to be where your fiance is in the Visa process, you both are blessed this way...now you need to know if his intentions are true to you.

I wish you luck with your situation

[Ontarkie 14,229]

I think you already know the truth, but you are not listening to your head. You are letting your emotions get the better of you. Listen to you head not your heart. If he can't tell you the truth now what makes you think he will ever change. Men don't change, you are seeing his true self now. Even when you talk to him later he will have a good excuse to why he lied, you tipped him off already when you talked last night. I really don't see this turning out well for you. If you really need to be sure hold of on sending any more paper work to get him here for another year and visit more often. It really is not hard to fake how good and how much he loves you for 16 days. I really do hope I am wrong though and wish you all the best in your decision.

[Heartwarming 15]

Thank you please keep me in your prayers. I'm just waiting on God right now. I know that he will work everything out. Its just so hard when you really love that special person and you think you have your soul mate and then the lies comes out. But everything will be ok.

Hello! You should go with your instincts on this one. I think you should tell him that you know he has lied to you and see what he has to say. If you have tried that then you need to pray really hard for God to guide you in the right direction. Do not just divorce out of anger. Try to wait until you have cooled off and the make a decision that you know is right. Perhaps you are so upset right now that you are going to make a decision that you will later on regret. In my opinion when people start lying there is something they are trying to cover up and it is usually not a good thing. Therefore, you definitely need to talk this out with him in a very efficient manner. Good luck to you and you will be in my prayers!

[rlogan 2,036]

There's nothing to investigate. Tell these enablers who want you to forgive him that they can take care of him from now on since they are so confident in him.

Call the clerk of court in your district. They will have the divorce or dissolution papers, and it won't cost anything to read them so you know the requirements. Sometimes they are online.

If you can get him to sign dissolution or divorce papers then it will be faster and easier. But even if he tries to ignore it, there are usually simple notification requirements like publishing it in the classified ad section of the newspaper or whatever it is your state requires. Generally only one has to show up at court in this situation, and that will be you.

The worst part of this misery is the confusion and anxiety of not knowing the future. When you make the decision, you will feel a lot better and will be able to throw your energies into getting the job done.

[Channah&Aaron 51]

If it were me, inwould file for divorce. A marriage is about honesty. Although, people do tell very little lies "I didnt grab a cookie out of the cookie jar"- while having crumbles on your face.. This is not OK. He can tell you anything he wants, yet it's up to you what to believe. And using his grandpa's death as an excuse is nothing but disrespectful and unacceptable!

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Edited January 29, 2012 by Channah&Aaron

[Divs 35]

I would say go with your instincts. Talking from experience. A been there done that kinda thing. One can clearly tell when someone's lying to you, even though you're in a long-distance relationship. These are all signs, and I'd say you need to pay close attention to them or you're the one who's gonna lose out in the end. Trust me, a relationship that does not have honesty as a base is just not worth it. That said, there definitely are honest men around who are worth keeping too! But then again, they wouldn't even dream of being dishonest in the first place.

My heart goes out to you, but on a more practical note, please do think with your head. If you see signs of dishonesty, get out of it. It's just not worth the pain and heartache you might have to go through in future!

[God fearing 13]

Don't listen to relationship advice, including mine! Listen to your heart and common sense. He lied to you about where he was and that is a no-no in my book. People who lie well are super-smooth, you have to be a freaking psychologist to tell. So he might be able to convince you that there is a reasonable explanation- like he was working from home, and then his phone battery died. Don't believe any of that BS! The idea of getting him to mail your stuff back might tip him off. Hopefully you made copies? Don't feel stupid about falling for a creep- look at Dexter's sister.

A smart person would only asses the situation once given an explanation, not before hand.

[Darnell 8,478]

What's ur opinion????

Nota.Bene.: My opinion is about as important as a pile of dirty underbritches - they ain't useful till you've washed them.

I say stop all at NVC - call into NVC on Monday, and have the casefile processing stopped.

When you are 'emotionally better', study up a bit on divorce process in your county (c o u n t y) with the county clerk's office - either in person or online - then you file for divorce.

[rlogan 2,036]

A smart person watches actions instead of listening to more lies from the liar who has been habitually lying.

Darnell has it.

Edited January 30, 2012 by rlogan

[evoria 19]

UPDATE: he finally called me back last nite, but his story didn't add up. So I called his job and the guy that answer the phone was very helpful he told me that he was on leave. So when I spoke to the husband he stated he was not on vacation. He was just busted. but I didn't let him know that i knew he was vacation. I asked him to mailed my package back he stated he would put it in the mail. Then I asked him to let me speak to one of his collegue at work but he couldn't do that. He was just full of ####### last nite. I'm very confused at this point, but I know that something is not right and he's doing something that is not right. But sister is telling me that I just can't go divorcing him because of that because a man will be a man so I will always be divorcing. So I'm really just hurt and confused right now don't know what to do even though I know he has lied to me and not being honest. I really love my husband alot but I don't know if I can go on with these lies. What's ur opinion????

American Girl, I agree with your sister to a point. I found my self in the middle of a Nigerian Movie on this trip as well, loooooooooong story. However, either I trust my husband or I do not. I look at the way he treats me, how he speaks to me, what he means to me. I hate to throw the bible in but it is relavant. Read what the bible says about divorce and pray about it. When he leaves Ghana whatever is in Ghana will be left in Ghana. The miles apart can play games with you. Watch the movie Fireproof, cry a little, talk your husband and wait it out. That said, stop seeking advice from non experts, there is a relationship expert in Jesus Christ ask him. The rest of us are not professionals.

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

The problem is what is left behind doens't always stay behind. He could come, get his green card, get divorced and get his share of the community property , keep his green card, wait 5 years and bring over what he left behind ( and he would probaly be slipping money that way also )