Blended Family (step-parents/stepchildren)

[Ann25 4]

Hi everyone.

I think I come to a right place to hear some ideas. I'm sure most people in this sites has the same with mine.

I am married and have one daughter. I married a man with 4 children, 2 are grown up who doesn't live here and the other 2 are both staying here with us. They actually are adopted ones from asia, Korea and Vietnam. Before I met my husband, he knew everything about my daughter, spoiled, cry baby etc. One reason I chose him because I was proud how he loves his 2 adopted kids and thought in that way, he accepts my daughter and would love her like his real daughter. And since the kids are make up, they would accept my daughter like their sister and not like a different person (hope you understand what I meant). When we got here in US, things where different. I guess I wasn't that wise enough to think of the negative side. We are like living on a house with 2 different families. He and his kids and me and my daughter. I tried to fit-in and I realized it wasn't fair for my daughter. She's still 6 and she sometimes acts strange and because I wanted us to fit in, I always tell my daughter, not to do this, not to do that but then when I realized I was wrong, I just let her do what she wants and just tell her no when she does things not right. Anyways, I do want to hear some ideas or advice you can share as to what I can expect.

1. For step-father: Do you see your wife's children like your child too? Anything you can share?

2. Is it really normal that having a blended family means your not one family?

3. For mother: Is it really normal to get hurt when you feel like your daughter is like 2nd in the family. You know what I mean? Its kinda hard for me to express. But, his kids are first and so with me because I am the wife so it looks like my daughter is just 2nd. I always get hurt when my daughter ask my husband if this is her home too because his youngest daughter makes her feel like not her home, not her dogs, everything in the house like not hers.

It does really hurt me because all I just wanted is for us to be a family. Or maybe I am just way too over? I don't know.

I'll be very glad to hear from anyone in here. Thank you very much and God bless.

[Ontarkie 14,225]

I think I understand what you are saying. What are the ages of your step kids? How long have you been here?

As for feeling like 2 families no it should not feel that way, but if you just arrived it will take a bit of time for all involved to start blending together.

My husband is a step father to my 4 older kids, and we have a daughter together so I feel like I can somewhat relate to you.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Hi everyone.

I think I come to a right place to hear some ideas. I'm sure most people in this sites has the same with mine.

I am married and have one daughter. I married a man with 4 children, 2 are grown up who doesn't live here and the other 2 are both staying here with us. They actually are adopted ones from asia, Korea and Vietnam. Before I met my husband, he knew everything about my daughter, spoiled, cry baby etc. One reason I chose him because I was proud how he loves his 2 adopted kids and thought in that way, he accepts my daughter and would love her like his real daughter. And since the kids are make up, they would accept my daughter like their sister and not like a different person (hope you understand what I meant). When we got here in US, things where different. I guess I wasn't that wise enough to think of the negative side. We are like living on a house with 2 different families. He and his kids and me and my daughter. I tried to fit-in and I realized it wasn't fair for my daughter. She's still 6 and she sometimes acts strange and because I wanted us to fit in, I always tell my daughter, not to do this, not to do that but then when I realized I was wrong, I just let her do what she wants and just tell her no when she does things not right. Anyways, I do want to hear some ideas or advice you can share as to what I can expect.

1. For step-father: Do you see your wife's children like your child too? Anything you can share?

2. Is it really normal that having a blended family means your not one family?

3. For mother: Is it really normal to get hurt when you feel like your daughter is like 2nd in the family. You know what I mean? Its kinda hard for me to express. But, his kids are first and so with me because I am the wife so it looks like my daughter is just 2nd. I always get hurt when my daughter ask my husband if this is her home too because his youngest daughter makes her feel like not her home, not her dogs, everything in the house like not hers.

It does really hurt me because all I just wanted is for us to be a family. Or maybe I am just way too over? I don't know.

I'll be very glad to hear from anyone in here. Thank you very much and God bless.

1. They are our children. Period

2. There will be only ONE family in this house. That is why it is called a "single family house"

3. I am not the mother. I will say one of my most endearing qualities, maybe THE most, for Alla is that the children are all the same and I would do anything for them.

Being a Ukrainian, and therefore direct and to the point, she will tell me, or anyone else about me, "You are not so rich or good looking, but you are the best father and husband in the world"

[Ann25 4]

I think I understand what you are saying. What are the ages of your step kids? How long have you been here?

As for feeling like 2 families no it should not feel that way, but if you just arrived it will take a bit of time for all involved to start blending together.

My husband is a step father to my 4 older kids, and we have a daughter together so I feel like I can somewhat relate to you.

Thanks for the reply.

They are 24, 20, 14 and 10. Have been here for almost 3 months now. Then I guess when time pass by, it may change? The 3 older ones hardly talk to me specially the boy, 14. He ask his younger sister to tell me if he needs something. He bangs things around which I just ignore. Most of the night, before I go to bed, it makes me cry thinking or maybe I am just way too emotional. Thank you again.

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

We are a "blended" family, my 2 daughters (ages 19 & 16, oldest moved out last year) and her 2 sons (ages 4 & 7).

Initially she thought I was being too tough on "her" sons because I've always been stricter than her and she wasn't around when mine we young so she didn't see that they had expectations and rules also.

In the end we've both bent a little, it's called compromise.

If one of "his" children is intentionally making "your" daughter feel out of place that should be addressed but depending on the age of the kid it might not be malicious as much as just trying to make sure she doesn't lose her place in Daddy's heart and life. Kids can be very territorial!

FWIW, you both need to lose the concept of "Your Kid(s)" and "My Kid(s)". The boys are not mine biologically but I don't love them any less than my daughters. In fact I'll be filing for step-parent adoption for them before the end of the year.

Also, how much younger are you than your husband, that can be a point of contention for the kids.

Edited January 25, 2012 by Bob 4 Anna

[Dave-n-Oksana 49]

We are a blended family also. I have a boy and girl and she has a daughter.

For me there was never an issue of mine or hers. Her daughter is as much my daughter as if she was of my blood. And I guess the feeling is mutual for on my birthday, Lera told me that she did not see me as her step-father but as her father.

My daughters behave as sisters for good and bad. As for my son, he saw it as an invasion and moved out soon after they arrived.

The only advice I can give is talk to your husband. If he is willing to be your daughter's father, he should step up and make sure that the children are treated equally and if the problem is between the children, he should talk to all of them as spell out the rules.

[Ontarkie 14,225]

The younger 2 are old enough to know better then to say that to a 6yr old, but they are also testing you and their father. I would remind them that you are all a family and families don't say things to hurt their little sister. Talk to your husband about how you feel he may not realize all that is going on. Men can sometimes be a little slow catching on to things. Figure out how you want to handle things and talk to your husband. But also don't allow things to get out of hand, treat all kids the same. It will take sometime, and I hope it works out soon for your family.

[Ann25 4]

We are a "blended" family, my 2 daughters (ages 19 & 16, oldest moved out last year) and her 2 sons (ages 4 & 7).

Initially she thought I was being too tough on "her" sons because I've always been stricter than her and she wasn't around when mine we young so she didn't see that they had expectations and rules also.

In the end we've both bent a little, it's called compromise.

If one of "his" children is intentionally making "your" daughter feel out of place that should be addressed but depending on the age of the kid it might not be malicious as much as just trying to make sure she doesn't lose her place in Daddy's heart and life. Kids can be very territorial!

FWIW, you both need to lose the concept of "Your Kid(s)" and "My Kid(s)". The boys are not mine biologically but I don't love them any less than my daughters. In fact I'll be filing for step-parent adoption for them before the end of the year.

Also, how much younger are you than your husband, that can be a point of contention for the kids.

Thank you. I do feel that way too that sometimes he is stricter to my daughter. I mean, when she does something, my husband would not really yell but kinda like that to let her do what I ask or he ask but when it comes to his younger daughter, he could say, I love you to death but ..... But honestly, I'm not trying to defend my daughter. When she does something I don't like, I tell her, scold her.

I do understand that maybe they are thinking that they would lose their daddy. I had that thought that their moms having another family and their dad now so maybe they think they don't have any which is not really true. They knew how much their father loves them.

My husband is older than me for 23 years. Thank you again. It is really great to hear from you side which helps alot.

[Ann25 4]

We are a blended family also. I have a boy and girl and she has a daughter.

For me there was never an issue of mine or hers. Her daughter is as much my daughter as if she was of my blood. And I guess the feeling is mutual for on my birthday, Lera told me that she did not see me as her step-father but as her father.

My daughters behave as sisters for good and bad. As for my son, he saw it as an invasion and moved out soon after they arrived.

The only advice I can give is talk to your husband. If he is willing to be your daughter's father, he should step up and make sure that the children are treated equally and if the problem is between the children, he should talk to all of them as spell out the rules.

Thank you. I did tell my husband already about that. I told him how I felt. He even had a talk with his 2 kids to be more understanding with my daughter because she is just only 6. She can't act like a 10 or 14 like they do. Maybe in time, hopefully things will be better.

[Ann25 4]

The younger 2 are old enough to know better then to say that to a 6yr old, but they are also testing you and their father. I would remind them that you are all a family and families don't say things to hurt their little sister. Talk to your husband about how you feel he may not realize all that is going on. Men can sometimes be a little slow catching on to things. Figure out how you want to handle things and talk to your husband. But also don't allow things to get out of hand, treat all kids the same. It will take sometime, and I hope it works out soon for your family.

Thank you. I do hope it works out. Honestly, I do feel discourage sometimes. I don't know when everything would last but still hoping and praying.

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

My husband is older than me for 23 years. Thank you again. It is really great to hear from you side which helps alot.

I has been my experience that Filipino parents are often times more permissive than American parents, that was a big adjustment for both of us.

Regarding the age, Anna is just 7 years older than CJ (my oldest daughter) and 15 younger than I am. I was worried that it would be difficult for CJ especially but she seemed to adjust okay.

You and you husband must both find a comfortable medium (between the two of you) for how to handle the kids and both must treat all kids the same. If you two can't be on the same page then things won't smooth out with the kids. They need to see that you and him stand together when dealing with them.

This topic might be better served moved to the PH sub-forum as I think there are a lot of cultural issues at play in this situation.

OP if you want it moved just send me a PM and I'll move it.

Edited January 26, 2012 by Bob 4 Anna

[Ann25 4]

I has been my experience that Filipino parents are often times more permissive than American parents, that was a big adjustment for both of us.

Regarding the age, Anna is just 7 years older than CJ (my oldest daughter) and 15 younger than I am. I was worried that it would be difficult for CJ especially but she seemed to adjust okay.

You and you husband must both find a comfortable medium (between the two of you) for how to handle the kids and both must treat all kids the same. If you two can't be on the same page then things won't smooth out with the kids. They need to see that you and him stand together when dealing with them.

This topic might be better served moved to the PH sub-forum as I think there are a lot of cultural issues at play in this situation.

OP if you want it moved just send me a PM and I'll move it.

THank you. Yes, its OK if you move it. Most of the time, I'm the one who's with them. So, all things happened when I'm with them which really stresses me out. Sometimes I feel like its not working out with the kids. I mean for both of us, we are good but between with kids, its impossible.

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

Moved from Off-Topic in hopes that the OP will get more responses from others in similar situation (involving the same cultures)...