Venting

[CDN2US 10]

I'm venting. What I'm about to say isn't rational, nor can it be solved nor assuaged.

I want a family more than I want to breath right now. I never wanted kids when I was younger, but when I turned 27, the clock started ticking loudly. Now, at 32, it is a physical ache in the core of my being.

In a past relationship, my ex and I tried actively for almost a year to get pregnant. We never did. Now, I know I dodged a bullet not being tied that person for 18 years, and I was told I was okay physically by my doctor, but I am VERY afraid it is going to take a long time to get pregnant with my husband.

Right now, in our current circumstance, we cannot even begin to plan a family. First we've got to get the eff out of AP, be either approved or denied, and figure out where the hell we're going to live. If I have to move there, it's going to take 6-12 mo to get there (fixing house, selling house, packing up, etc). Then we've got to get stable work (either me there or him here). Etc, etc, etc.

I am so freaking frustrated. I am scared. Most of my friends have children, and I can't stand to be around them. When I hear people complain about their children, I think how they can't even appreciate what they have when other people are desperate to have that. People ask when we're going to have kids, and I want to YELL IN THEIR FACES even though they're just making what they think is polite conversation.

I know I know, I'm "only" 32. Screw that. I don't want to be an old mom; I had one, she was terrible. I don't want to have to go through in vitro at 40 and be near 60 when they graduate HS.

I freaking HATE what is happening right now. Our lives are on hold, and every period I have feels like a loss. I only express a fraction of my pain and fear to my husband, because he feels guilty and powerless.

I was prepared to put our lives on hold for 8-9 months for his visa, but now we're in a black hole. Limbo. No end in sight. "Pending." I freaking hate my government, I hate this process, I hate everyone with children because they have what I want and don't even appreciate it. I'm jealous of these clueless idiots who just get to LIVE WITH THEIR HUSBANDS like it's NOTHING. I don't know anyone who's had to PETITION THE GOVERNMENT to live with their spouse.

It sounds absurd! This is all absurd!

[SapphireDreams 71]

I know it feels like a lifetime, but things will eventually work out. I hear you on wanting kids and also wanting to have a stable life for them. I always figured I would have a child by now, or at least be close to it. But, life doesn't always work out the way we hope. And, that's okay!

I can't imagine what being in limbo is like, but I hope that things close out for you soon.

Maybe set a timeline between you both? If you don't get out of AP in 3-4 months, start the move to Canada?

[Olomi_811 130]

I'm not a hugger, but there needs to be a "HUG" icon. I completely hear what you've expressed and I understand it. I look at this process as time for me to learn all I need to learn about communication with my husband and God still preparing me for the good things to come with him.

[Ontarkie 14,227]

Vent away, we all can understand the stress this process causes. I don't know why they placed your husband in AP, but hope it will be done soon.

[Kimbear 53]

I've been here for 1.5 years now. i just turned 39. Our visa process was anything but easy or fast. We almost broke up twice. And now, we are currently living with his parents, while we wait for our house purchase to go through. (thats another long story in another thread and it has been going on for over a year It's been over 6 months we have been living here and its the 2nd time we have had to live with his parents.

We wanted children. My husband still does, but i'm 8 years older then him. And to be honest, i dont think its possible anymore. My mom was 35 when i was born, and it was hell growing up. I dont want to do that to a child. And yet here in Chicago, every week I see poeple just abandoning their kids in stores, or kiling newborns, or worse, and then watching as other people have one night stands that turn out to be twins and then they are on social aid for the rest of their life when they had no business having a kid let alone twins, not to mention drinking and drugs through the whole pregnancy. One of the kids has already bene hospitalized for being "accidentally dropped"....grrr

Just talking about it makes me so mad and upset.

We have tried since 2008, and to see ####### like that happen around me It depresses me, it angers me. But i won't risk the medical issues that would come up from continuing to try and have children. And we can't afford any medical services to help us have children. sigh. Never mind the privacy issues we are facing...

Living in limbo does indeed suck. Sometimes i wonder why I went through all this hell when i cannot seem to have the life i thought i'd have. I love my husband very much. But there are days when I think, i'm being punished.

At least you are still younger than I am. And hopefully everyting will be settled with your visa soon so you CAN get on with your life. Hopefully you wont go through something similar like me. I post this just to let you know your not alone, and you can vent to us. We're here for you. Even if its just to read your pain and to offer some sort of advice or a friendly shoulder. Try and keep your chin up, I know its hard. But it will work out and you will both be together soon to start your life.

Hugs.

[MelissaAndJordan 5]

" I'm jealous of these clueless idiots who just get to LIVE WITH THEIR HUSBANDS like it's NOTHING. I don't know anyone who's had to PETITION THE GOVERNMENT to live with their spouse. "

I hear you on that one. It seems so silly to me when I simplify it my brain to what it is.. I have to ask my government for permission to share the rest of my life with the love of my life.

Vent away cause it does indeed suck!

[FightWithHope 0]

Tercerero,

I can understand what you are going through. It is really tough. But never give up hope and Vent it out whenever you have to. As you can see, there are people in this forum who will help you with information or even emotionally. YOU ARE NOT ALONE LIKE KIMBEAR SAID. I know it's hard but try to stay positive as much as you can. You will get your visa one day. It's matter of waiting and getting through this stupid process. I hope you will get pregnant as well .

[dukeandduchess 141]

Gosh do I know what you mean. I spent my early 20's going through absolute hell because I was in constant pain (they still don't know why). I've endured a "chemical menopause" for a year. They tell me I'm going to be fine getting pregnant but I am so terrified that I'll move to the states and not have proper health care and end up needing invitro or something because I won't be able to get pregnant. Absolutely terrified. I know I'm still decently young -- and you are too!! -- but man do I ever know what you mean about the clock going off. I can't freaking wait but my mind tells me how irresponsible it would be to get pregnant before we're financially stable, not to mention we need to have a year or so of actual *time* together.

Talk about yikes! Just focus on getting there. Focus on eating healthy and exercising. Once you get there try not to stress out too much and I'm sure it'll happen!

[Kathryn41 3,205]

((((((((((Tercerero)))))))))

I am sorry. This is tough and it isn't fair. You have every right to vent. Vent away. It is so hard when your fate is tied up in the hands of someone or something else and all you want to do is get on with your life. It seems like forever now, and the restrictions and limitations overwhelming because you are both also being responsible about becoming parents. I hope you get your positive decision soon so you and your husband can start creating the life that you want. I know that any child or children you have will be blessed to have you as a mother because they will know just how much they are wanted. I hope your dream comes true soon.

Edited January 24, 2012 by Kathryn41

[benjamin10 0]

in this situation the best thing for you is to vent. i'm not trying to rub this in anyone's face but we have a son and i can't stand when ppl do horrible things to children i can't see why ppl would do it we love our son more than anything but honestly if i knew all that wewould be going threw i would have thought twice before having ben it's been so hard i hate putting him threw this he hasn't seen his dad in 6 months bc my husband's work moved him across the country it's been super hard on my husband missing out on his life i just hope this is all over soon same for all of you it's not fair that bc were from another country we have to wait so long to be with the ones we love

[CDN2US 10]

Thank you everyone for being so kind and empathetic. Some days are harder than others, as we all experience. I am very grateful to have VJ with all its wonderful participants. IRL, people just don't know, and why should they? I wouldn't wish this on anyone, and I certainly have a new and enlightened view of immigration and its personal effects.

Last night we started to talk about initiating the process for me to become a permanent resident in Canada. At least if we have that ball rolling, it will feel like we've regained some control and have some choices. Canada, of course, has their own process, and Quebec is even more particular, but I'd rather be working toward something than waiting. (Even in traffic, I'll go out of my way to continue moving rather than sit at stoplights!)

I'm going to have to take some protective measures to save my sanity around the kid-issue. For example, there appears to be a cabal of SAHMs on my facebook, and they just hang out all days with their litters and on one hand, there's cutesy pictures of them at the local kids' museum, and OTOH, they're complaining all day about the kids. I've gotta hide them off my feed or I just sit in resentment all day.

And people...I know they mean well, but they just don't understand the horrible things they accidentally say. There was a thread a little while ago detailing some of the things friends and family say/do, and I could really relate there.

Ah well, folks, it is a new day. Try as we might, we still don't have a clear understanding of what brought on AP, and all we can do is wait it out. We stay busy. We stay in touch. I've got the house, three dogs, a job, my running, knitting, and friends, and I make do.

We're luckier than most, and I do appreciate that. Thanks again for the nice support and sharing your own stories. I wish nothing but the best for everyone here in their own lives and daily struggles.

[Kimbear 53]

Thank you everyone for being so kind and empathetic. Some days are harder than others, as we all experience. I am very grateful to have VJ with all its wonderful participants. IRL, people just don't know, and why should they? I wouldn't wish this on anyone, and I certainly have a new and enlightened view of immigration and its personal effects.

Last night we started to talk about initiating the process for me to become a permanent resident in Canada. At least if we have that ball rolling, it will feel like we've regained some control and have some choices. Canada, of course, has their own process, and Quebec is even more particular, but I'd rather be working toward something than waiting. (Even in traffic, I'll go out of my way to continue moving rather than sit at stoplights!)

I'm going to have to take some protective measures to save my sanity around the kid-issue. For example, there appears to be a cabal of SAHMs on my facebook, and they just hang out all days with their litters and on one hand, there's cutesy pictures of them at the local kids' museum, and OTOH, they're complaining all day about the kids. I've gotta hide them off my feed or I just sit in resentment all day.

And people...I know they mean well, but they just don't understand the horrible things they accidentally say. There was a thread a little while ago detailing some of the things friends and family say/do, and I could really relate there.

Ah well, folks, it is a new day. Try as we might, we still don't have a clear understanding of what brought on AP, and all we can do is wait it out. We stay busy. We stay in touch. I've got the house, three dogs, a job, my running, knitting, and friends, and I make do.

We're luckier than most, and I do appreciate that. Thanks again for the nice support and sharing your own stories. I wish nothing but the best for everyone here in their own lives and daily struggles.

What I bolded from your post is what i had to do with certain new parents/friends. They have no idea what a blessing they have and every day during the pregnancy and past the birth they were b1tching. Made me want to reach through my monitor and punch them lol.