Married to a MENA Man

[MENAGIRL 0]

Hi would just like some thoughtful and helpful responses.Here's a little of our back story Me and my husband have been married now for 4 months. I am more then over joyed that after two years we are finally together. We met online two and 1/2 years ago, then he came here on vacation and we fell in love. Started the immigration process a year ago and after ten months we were approved. He is a very wonderful and loving man. I love him with all my heart and and I know he does as well. He treats me love and respect. This is my first marriage and his second. I work all day and he's not working as of yet. He's been lucky to have met some fellow mena men so he can socialize and have some friends. He seems to go out a lot with his buddies sometimes seems like it's almost a daily occurance. He doesn't drink and doesn't go to the bars or clubs. He's going over either to their house and they play cards or go to a coffee house and drink coffee (and play cards) chit chat etc nothing really for me to be too concerned about. When ever I've call my sister My sister's what are you guys up to. (I'm more of a home body) I'm like making dinner or watching tv she's liek where's your hubby I'm like with his buddies. She's like he seems to go out alot. My cousin has made more or less the same comment. It's not like he's coming home late every night. I'll get home from work some times he's there and other nights he's might com home 7-8. (not really that late) maybe on the week end nights he might come home around 10. On the week ends we spend all day together. It doesn't really bother me all that much if in the evening he goes and spends some times with the guys for some male bonding. My question is this normal men of MENA (yes he is muslim)to spend a lot of time with other mena men like this?

thankyou for your help.

[Anna and Ali 13]

Oh my goodness yes, at least its typical for my hubby. he likes to visit his mom some nights til 12 or 1, she is temporarily living in the same complex as us. I have work in the mornings so i go to bed at around 11. (sometimes i get a bit cranky about it but at the same time, it's his mother and little brother, nothing to worry about) He does have at least two MENA male friends (one married, one not---i mention this because I haven't met the single one yet bcs it isn't proper yada yada doesn't want to show his wife around yada yada ) He occasionally (used to be more often but he cooled down) likes to go out with one of them or go to his job and sit with the other guy on shift and chat because he can at least speak arabic.

If it isn't a point of contention between the two of you, i don't see the harm, especially if he is coming home closer to 8, i'm dealing with like 12am but the way i see it, i took him away from his circle of really close friends in Jordan to move here and he can't start his career yet and he's a bit bored out of his mind!

So to answer your question, they are very social people and we can both be thankful that they aren't clubbing and drinking and groping haha. Also, i like my "me time"

[nejma 3]

In my experience, it depends on the person. Often times MENA men do things that make people wonder if it's characteristic of them to do, but often, they're no different than other men (American, etc). Some men like to go out nightly, others are homebodies and like to spend time at home. My husband is a MENA man, but he doesn't go out too much. He has tons of friends, and on occasion will hang out with them or his American friends too. I have cousins however, American, married with kids who go out nightly. Would it bother me, yes. But that's me. If you're saying it wouldn't bother you, then don't worry about what other people (your sister, cousin) think.

Something I have learned with MENA men (or any, I shouldn't just say MENA), sometimes habits are hard to break. So if there's a sliver of this being something that bothers you, you might want to say something now. I never liked the excuse "Well he's new here, so I want to make his adjustment easier for him by letting him do ________" when it's something that you don't agree with or like. If/when you have children, you may have expectations that he can say "well it never bothered you before when I went out with my friends".

[momof1 205]

Is it normal? I don't know. I think it's normal for some and not for others. My husband has never been one to go out with friend every day. During the spring/summer/fall he goes to play soccer Saturday evenings after work. He brings our oldest with him and they come home after maghreb time. Now that it's cold, some of the Algerians meet at the masjid on Saturday nights for coffee. Again, he brings our oldest with him. They are usually home on these days by 10pm. He doesn't go every week because it's so late, but I wouldn't mind if he did. He comes home every evening straight after work. He spends his day off at home with us except for maybe a couple times a year when he goes out to eat with friends. We both work outside and are quite exhausted so we try to spend our free time together as a family. The only people we personally know that go hang out with friends often are those who are single or without kids. Everyone else stays with their family.

[Soloenta 2,218]

Hi Menagirl, my husband is Egyptian and he never leaves the house and I love it. Only to buy groceries , work etc. Men are men but my advise is to talk to him. I for one would like my husband to be with me most of the time and be home by the time I get home if I'm working. Weekends should only be for the both family only but that's just me. Communication is the key to everything. Much luck to you sweet heart and all is well just have to talk to him. :bonk:JK.

[Nagishkaw 510]

Hi would just like some thoughtful and helpful responses.Here's a little of our back story Me and my husband have been married now for 4 months. I am more then over joyed that after two years we are finally together. We met online two and 1/2 years ago, then he came here on vacation and we fell in love. Started the immigration process a year ago and after ten months we were approved. He is a very wonderful and loving man. I love him with all my heart and and I know he does as well. He treats me love and respect. This is my first marriage and his second. I work all day and he's not working as of yet. He's been lucky to have met some fellow mena men so he can socialize and have some friends. He seems to go out a lot with his buddies sometimes seems like it's almost a daily occurance. He doesn't drink and doesn't go to the bars or clubs. He's going over either to their house and they play cards or go to a coffee house and drink coffee (and play cards) chit chat etc nothing really for me to be too concerned about. When ever I've call my sister My sister's what are you guys up to. (I'm more of a home body) I'm like making dinner or watching tv she's liek where's your hubby I'm like with his buddies. She's like he seems to go out alot. My cousin has made more or less the same comment. It's not like he's coming home late every night. I'll get home from work some times he's there and other nights he's might com home 7-8. (not really that late) maybe on the week end nights he might come home around 10. On the week ends we spend all day together. It doesn't really bother me all that much if in the evening he goes and spends some times with the guys for some male bonding. My question is this normal men of MENA (yes he is muslim)to spend a lot of time with other mena men like this?

thankyou for your help.

You've been married for 4 months. You should still be in the honeymoon phase. He doesn't have a job, yet he chooses to spend time playing cards and swilling coffee with the boys. This is is second marriage. What happened with his first marriage, and why didn't that work out ? As a muslim man, his duty is to take care of his wife by providing for her and the household and making sure her needs are met first. Something is wrong when you are the breadwinner, then come home and cook dinner. He eats it and probably does not feel the slightest bit guilty. However, he reserves time for you on the weekends. Weekends??. But according to you, you say this doesn't really bother you, "nothing really for me to be too concerned about", yet you ask if his behaviour is normal ? I'll answer your question. No, it isn't. Good luck with that.

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

Welcome to VJ & MENA menagirl.

As I understand it your question was is it normal for your MENA man to go out and socialize almost as a daily occurrence with his MENA guys. I will speak from a few experiences of observation based on circumstances.

While living in Egypt together with my husband he worked 14-16 hour days several weeks in a row then taking his collection of days off a week at a time. The typical work schedule there is to work six days a week, six hours a day, having Fridays off as their weekend. Mine was a doctor in a private clinic so he had to work longer hours and managed to work out a schedule with the other doctors for a week off at a time by working straight through the month. Most of the time my husband went to work and was too tired to socialize with friends afterwards. I'd say he was more of a home body. He preferred home cooked meals and spending his time at home with me during that time. On occasion he'd go visit his friends maybe once a week or a couple times a month and he'd always let me know with who and where. Sometimes we'd go out together and meet another couple for tea and walk around together. A few times I went by myself to meet my friends on my own. This was our standard daily life in Egypt.

When I went back to the States and he knew he had the visa and plane tickets bought to come here he finished his contract at the clinic and took two months off. During those two months alone in Egypt he spent the majority of his time with his family in Cairo and Luxor or at the cafe nightly playing cards with his friends for many hours. His digital camera is loaded with pictures of these times and short videos and he still goes through them. It was difficult to reach him then but I understood it. He was soaking up as much time as he could with his life there because he would miss the people and the emotional connections he has there. His life is rich with friends and family there and it's been nearly two years since he's been back so those two months seem like a short time.

When he first arrived here he spent a lot of time on the internet with these same friends and family back in Egypt socializing online. I sometimes tease him that he's spent two years of his life online. He didn't like to go outside much and I didn't pressure him to find a job because we decided his job was to study for the US medical exams and practice medicine here. I know from what I've read that part of this behavior is due to culture shock. So if your husband is going out daily to meet with friends then I'd say that is a really good sign he is adapting to the society. At least he is having some friends on the outside there. My husband also made friends through the local Islamic center and from a few friends on VJ in MENA that lived locally where we were. He is still friends with them even though we've moved to another state. They call each other and talk on the phone now. We also found a great deal through his older Sister for calling back home from our cell phones so he can call Egypt anytime on the cheap and talk for hours. He still mostly socializes online with his friends back in Egypt. Here he mostly sees his friends on Fridays at the prayers. Sometimes they hang out after the prayers or on Saturdays they have special events and get together and cook food at the Mosque, like when Libya had their day of independence. There is a big Arab community where we live now. He is still studying a lot and every couple of months he may do something with a friend outside but hasn't lately because of his upcoming exams. In the States he's still very much a home body.

One good thing about your spouse going out and socializing is that the networking he's doing may lead to a job here. My husband has had several small opportunities through people here willing to help each other and remembering him when things come up. Every little bit helps. Times are hard and the economy is slowly getting better but it's still very challenging to find work. These friendships are important for so many reasons. Not having work and being able to provide for your family is bruising to a MENA man's ego. We struggled with that for the first year because he didn't feel studying for his US medical exams was as valuable as having work. Then he had a job for a few months and found he couldn't study at all. He felt good about making the money but saw it wasn't helping him to reach his ultimate goal. He also had a taste of working life in America. I think it helped him figure out his priorities better after that job and he's working full-time to finish these exams this year to start a residency next year.

I think for your case it depends on your circumstances. He's new here and adapting. He's doing that through friends almost daily which is good. He's not doing anything you don't approve of. He is looking for work but the economy is tough. His networking with these friends may lead to opportunities. It is typical for them to spend time with their fellow man almost nightly playing cards as long as their duties are being met. Sometimes they need the moral support when times are difficult. But considering the circumstances you'll have to evaluate it for yourself. If you're happy where things are, and you have a good loving relationship, and a trust and understanding between each other, and some direction with where things are heading, then the comments by others about his time outside shouldn't be too important.

Edited January 22, 2012 by ॐ

[zahrasalem 114]

Hi, everyone is a little different, so "normal" may mean different things to different people. BUT, I would think that since you have only been married 4 months, he would naturally want to be home more often.

I didn't understand from your original post, but you said he came here on vacation, then you started the immigration process and were approved. Maybe you can fill in your timeline for us? You never mentioned if he went back home or for how long, but I'm thinking that he had to go back home for you to file. My point is, depending how long you two have lived together before you got married, how long he's been here total, etc., maybe the 'homeymoon' stage is wearing off for him sooner than normal, especially since he's been married before. Again, I'm just trying to understand your situation.

My husband has been here just under 2 years, he found a job only 9 weeks after he arrived and has worked everyday since. We don't have friends yet that we hang out with, just co-workers at work only. So my husband comes home straight after work everyday and he's always home on his days off. He is very happy that way, and he still goes on Skype several times a week to talk with his brothers, cousins and best friends from back home, so he's happy enough with that. We are very happy and comfortable and have a pretty normal, routine life.

Maybe you can talk to your husband and ask him to be home more? Maybe he thinks you don't really care if he's home or not, unless you say so.

Good luck

[NY_BX 397]

In Egypt my fiance goes to the cafe every night. When I'm there, however, he even turns off the phone and dedicates every waking second with me. To tackle that possible "bromance" dilemma I've suited myself with plans. For example, I am a member of the film society, so every Tuesday I get to see every new film before it comes out to the public. I get to bring a guest, so needless to say, he is very excited about that. I know he loves to go out to the theater, musicals, restaurants. I'm making sure we go out together to enjoy the things we both love to enjoy.

If you're a home body and he gets bored easily, he'll find ways to tackle his boredome. It may also be a MENA thing for men to come together and have a good time while leaving their partners at home. But I think is also a thing of partnership. If you share that lifestyle and reinforce that behavior, then expect this to happen on a daily basis.

I go out and have a good time; my fiance knows that. If he didn't condone that behavior, he wouldn't even try to build a relationship with me, let alone marry me. It is healthy to spend time with your friends, but when you're in a committed relationship the priority should always be to spend time with your loved ones.

Edited January 26, 2012 by NY_BX

[Shoot Em Straight 385]

You mentioned 3 things that stuck out for me.....

• It does not bother you too much
  
• your sister makes the comments of him being out
  
• your cousin too
  

But everything else in your post says you two love each other, spend time together, he is Muslim and if he goes out it is to be with male friends and coffee

With the socializing...It is very normal for Arabic men...

Yes Mena men do this, some do worse things when they go out. And it is just that way.

Thank God he is not to this extreme.

I SOUNDS like he is acclimating to this country and has new friends. This is a blessing

Keep your communication open with your husband

Edited February 4, 2012 by inluvnwaiting

[~PalmTreeGurl~ 154]

Welcome to VJ Menagirl! My hubby is Egyptian and has been here for 4yrs now. We met online 6yrs ago and have been married 5 1/2 yrs. He is more of the homebody and I love to be out and around people doing things. The only time I would say he loves to go out is if its to the Mall to get some jeans/shirts from American Eagle or Hollister, Best Buy for electronics or out to eat chinese food! We both work alot, he works very early in the mornings and is off the weekend and he still isnt into going out with friends or family that much on the weekend. I have to drag him out to party and then he will have a great time. I on the other hand love to go shoot pool, bowling, cards ect but usually go out when hes at work or asleep so we can spend time together when we arent at work.

Everyones situation is different and what works for one may not work for all. Heck even now Adam and I are home together and on the same couch at opposite ends and he's chilling with his Apple computer and playing with the tv remote while Im on facebook and VJ. But we did spend time together in church this morning, then out to eat and Bestbuy

[MIBEN 83]

I agree MENA men are very sociable with each other as they are brought up to do alot of bonding time with men not women. If anything bothers you, speak on it. It does not have to be an attack but perhaps bring it up in conversation and say what your expectations are, no harm done. Tarik and I have been married 19 months and he was not a social butterfly in Morocco and he is not one now. He hates smoke so the coffe shops were never a common hanging spot for him, he visited the cyber only when his PC was in repair. He was very active in education, fitness, and religion, and his job at the gym and security business. He continues to study, he never gets enough and carries a notebook to take notes and is always learning new words. He is studying at night, he goes to the gym with me and the boys. He is looking for work as well, unfortunately it has not happened but I encourage him to not get frustrated when it is right he will find a job. He is a home body as well but at times he gets bored as I work alot and he goes for walks with the dog and we do the usual dinners as a family, movies, the mall, take up shows, now he is volunteering with a church group and we finally found a wonderful church. He has starting taking care of things in the home, he repaired some shoes for me, he knows all about doing the yard, he attempts to schedule the maitenance in the home and he is just very helpful. The cooking lessons are coming. He does not seek out friendship with others, we are very close actually alot of things he does with us at home he has never done in front of others. At times we find ourselves dancing, he even raps to me in Arabic, he sings, and is always joking those are things he does not do around anyone not even his immediate family. I am very blessed, to have found Tarik he is a wonderful man.

If you do not agree with something communication does wonders, my dad used to say, "he who does not speak, God cannot hear."

Good luck,