negotiating about family visits

[Boiler 45,520]

Sounds like he knew that you knew the real deal.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

So they will be visiting for 4 years and then moving in full time.

Sounds like you understood the deal, so not sure why there is such a fuss about their visits before they can immigrate.

I think you're confusing this thread with the other thread that's similar. The OP never said the parents would be moving in with them full time, she said she understands that's typically the Indian way but she's always maintained 3 or so weeks a year and they live in a 1 b/r apartment so even that long is a little much honestly. It's only now that the husband is saying it MUST be 6 months and acting up about it. They'd settled it with the 2-3 week discussion prior to the marriage but it is now apparent he just said that so that she would marry him and now he's trying to manipulate her. If they were just dating and he said 6 months they'd break up because it's a total impasse. Because they're married now she feels that she should try and "fix it". It's exactly what he wanted... she wants to save the marriage and is now going to compromise on something that was previously settled and discussed. Total manipulation.

Edited February 8, 2012 by Vanessa&Tony

[VanessaTony 3,567]

He has told me that it would be completely improper to kick his parents out of the house after 3 weeks, as they have raised him and have every right to stay with him. He started getting really angry and worked up when he talked about 'kicking them out of the house because [his] wife wasn't comfortable". I told them that we could start with 3 weeks for a visit, with the option of extending visits if my comfort grows in time. He wouldn't listen, as he wanted me to commit to 6 months right now.

Finally when I talked about us just breaking up the relationship, then he changed his tune a bit. He seemed really bitter and disappointed with me, but said that maybe his brother should just apply for a study visa at a large university in my city, and his parents could just stay at the brother's place since I (according to him) have no desire to see them. I told him I don't have a problem with this idea, but practically it might not be so possible as it would be very expensive for his brother to study in the US as an international student, and that his brother wouldn't have the money to have his own place (as he'd be living with roommates to save money if he was here). Then he asked me if I would be willing to consider 3 months. I told him that was still too long. He was put off.

There would be no "kicking them out after 3 weeks" because they would have tickets booked to leave then. They would know in advance that they were only staying for 3 weeks.

You have been lied to in order to secure the marriage and now he's manipulating you because he knows you would rather not divorce over this and will try and compromise. He realised that discussing it prior to the marriage might have meant you wouldn't have got married - it's a pretty big difference of opinion - so now that you're married you won't divorce over something so "small" (he even SAID small so you'd feel petty for denying him) and you'll eventually cave.

You are being manipulated. He's quite good at it by the looks of things. If he doesn't want to leave his family then he doesn't have to but they're NOT moving in with you. He's making you choose. Either they visit for 6 months of a year (where he'd be apart from them for 6 months and that's totally fine) or he won't come over and you'll have to divorce him. I suggest you suggest sending money home to support them (set an amount in advance) and then he can visit for a period every year or something. This way he can see his parents. They can stay for 3 weeks MAX with you guys. He's an adult. He needs to untie the apron strings.

[Boiler 45,520]

I think you're confusing this thread with the other thread that's similar. The OP never said the parents would be moving in with them full time,

That seems to be the intent:

Once my husband gets a job and makes enough, we'd pay for their ticket and pay their expenses while here. They'd be living with us, so we'd take care of getting them anything they need.

It's basically like they took care of him while growing up, so when they get older, it's his responsibility to take care of them too in return.

You really think they will not be moving in permanently?

On this thread it does look less likely that they would get a Tourist Visa.

Whilst that would be a temporary solution it is not one you can guarantee.

[Darnell 8,478]

So they will be visiting for 4 years and then moving in full time.

Sounds like you understood the deal, so not sure why there is such a fuss about their visits before they can immigrate.

I'm thinking the parents raised the boy to be bait. Let's see how it turns out, this 'immigrate the family over 10 years' plan.

[Ippsy Pippsy 31]

They wouldn't. Once my husband gets a job and makes enough, we'd pay for their ticket and pay their expenses while here. They'd be living with us, so we'd take care of getting them anything they need.

It's basically like they took care of him while growing up, so when they get older, it's his responsibility to take care of them too in return.

I think you'd better work out both long-term and short-term responsibilities. Make it clear that you are happy with long-term, but not short-term. And you both need to realize that you can't just magically have his parents over for 6 months and keep them legal. If eventually he'd want to petition for them, then he's going to have to figure out how to legally do that (i.e. he becomes a citizen first).

Just what kind of job would he be getting? And will you be making enough that you can support them all?

[VanessaTony 3,567]

You really think they will not be moving in permanently?

On this thread it does look less likely that they would get a Tourist Visa.

Whilst that would be a temporary solution it is not one you can guarantee.

Yes. She's saying that it would be for 3 or so weeks. He's saying 6 months. I think her post about paying for them also helps understand why 6 months is a no go. I wouldn't mind my mother coming here for a couple of weeks (probably 2-3 like the OP) and I would pay for most of her stuff as well BUT not all of it because the Aussie dollar and US dollar aren't too far apart. The OP's countries income appears to be substantially lower than hers (given her reference to paying 20% of her ticket and it being several months pay) so it makes sense to pay for their stay.

he wants 6 months. She said 2-3 weeks. That is the argument.

[Ippsy Pippsy 31]

Forget the cost of food.... Cost of health insurance for someone with a pre-existing condition!

[Boiler 45,520]

I assume she is a student.

[LIFE'SJOURNEY 970]

She has been manipulated and lied to, she knows this so either she has to accept it or move on. The OP is quite aware of the Indian culture for dealing with Parents, she has to decide if she wants an Indian traditional marriage or if she wants the American relationships with the in-laws that she has adopted from being raised away for her culture environment.

I would advise her to speak to her own mother on this and listern to what her mother has to say.

[Darnell 8,478]

Someone's gonna steal this story and turn it into a Bollywood movie plot.

My only question then becomes - who's writing the music? The choreography is dead easy!

Edited February 8, 2012 by Darnell

[rkk1 34]

I would advise her to speak to her own mother on this and listern to what her mother has to say.

I did talk to my parents over this issue (I didn't tell them that my husband and I were arguing about this issue, but simply that we had ideological differences). I asked them what they thought about the issue, as they can see both sides - having grown up in India themselves, but having lived in the US the last 35 years.

Their idea was that we should compromise... that 6 months may be too long (unless his parents were really supportive and nice to me), but that 3 weeks might also be really short - especially as it is a big cost to get them to come here in the first place.

My parents also suggested that 4 of us in a 1-bedroom apartment was not practical, as we should have at least a 2 bedroom apartment before we do this. And they said that if my husband wants his parents to come visit us, then he will first need to get a full-time job so that we can have a 2 bedroom apartment in the first place, and then have enough money to buy their tickets and insurance as well. I am a medical student who will graduate with over $150k in loans and won't make decent money until 6-7 years from now, so I should not in any way have to use my loan money (with nearly 7% interest) in order to pay for his folks to visit. The burden is on him to make enough money to take care of his parents' visit. I can understand my parents' angle, as they don't want him to expect them to help pay for his parents' travel and stay... as it's not MY parents responsibility to pay for his parents to come. Not that I expect him to ask my parents for anything, it just that I don't think he's really considered the financial and practical aspect of all this yet. And my loan money for school is off the table as well.

Edited February 8, 2012 by rkk1

[Ippsy Pippsy 31]

Seeing as how you're already married, perhaps you should very carefully lay out the financial and practical aspects of what he wants? Read back through this whole thread, people have pointed out all sorts of problems. It doesn't sound like they'd be able to get a visa for that long anyway. Nor like you could support his parents in the near future.

I suggest an email for this. If need be, he needs to talk to other people who live here that he trusts. If he doesn't believe you saying that 4 adults don't live in a 1bd apartment here... Or that healthcare is expensive, as is health insurance.

[LIFE'SJOURNEY 970]

I did talk to my parents over this issue (I didn't tell them that my husband and I were arguing about this issue, but simply that we had ideological differences). I asked them what they thought about the issue, as they can see both sides - having grown up in India themselves, but having lived in the US the last 35 years.

Their idea was that we should compromise... that 6 months may be too long (unless his parents were really supportive and nice to me), but that 3 weeks might also be really short - especially as it is a big cost to get them to come here in the first place.

My parents also suggested that 4 of us in a 1-bedroom apartment was not practical, as we should have at least a 2 bedroom apartment before we do this.

And they said that if my husband wants his parents to come visit us, then he will first need to get a full-time job so that we can have a 2 bedroom apartment in the first place, and then have enough money to buy their tickets and insurance as well.

I am a medical student who will graduate with over $150k in loans and won't make decent money until 6-7 years from now, so I should not in any way have to use my loan money (with nearly 7% interest) in order to pay for his folks to visit. The burden is on him to make enough money to take care of his parents' visit. I can understand my parents' angle, as they don't want him to expect them to help pay for his parents' travel and stay... as it's not MY parents responsibility to pay for his parents to come. Not that I expect him to ask my parents for anything, it just that I don't think he's really considered the financial and practical aspect of all this yet. And my loan money for school is off the table as well.

Smart parents, when he can provide the material in quote, then parents can visit. Don't give in until he has made the 2-bedroom apt/house available.

[LIFE'SJOURNEY 970]

Smart parents, when he can provide the material in quote, then parents can visit. Don't give in until he has made the 2-bedroom apt/house available.

Also, it seems as if you'll are arguring about something that is 2 years away from happening. It will take almost a 1 year for your husband to receive his visa after you file for him. Then it will take almost another year for your husband to adjust and find a job in the US.

This will give you aleast 2 years before you will have to deal with his parents visit, if they should receive visiting visa. Alot can happen in 2 years.