negotiating about family visits

[rkk1 34]

The ticket - you already know that answer to that, it is clear as day in your emails, it is a bad time for you to go, you can't afford it, you should cancel it if you still can. Bear in mind this will probably not go down well with your husband, but you have to do what is right for you.

From an outsider's perspective it is very clear what is happening here - he is manipulative and controlling. He is not putting you first.

I have about 10 hours to decide whether to cancel the ticket or not, as I can get my money back (about $1,700+) before midnight EST tonight. Otherwise, the money will be lost.

He thinks I am the one who is controlling, as I am controlling how long his parents can stay with us or not. He never imagined having to tell his parents that they weren't welcome at his future home for more than 3 weeks. He's like "If my parents tell me that they'll be coming for 3 months, what should I tell them? 'No you can only come for 3 weeks as my wife's comfort comes first.' What will they think? Life is too short, and we need to keep the people who are dear to us nearby. This is the only request I am asking from you."

He was then asking if he should discuss this topic with his dad and brother (or even MY parents) to get some feedback and advice. I told him that if he starts discussing these things with his family members then they will dislike me, as they will be only seeing things out of their own cultural framework and thinking poorly of me.

After spending another 3 hours this morning arguing, we finally decided on a standstill of the argument, as all the arguing is just making us tired. He told me again that he loved me and doesn't want to live without me... but he doesn't want to give up his relationship with his parents either. We said we will revisit the topic soon. Although I'm fine with revisiting this later, I wish I knew if it's going to be a dealbreaker or not for him in the relationship (before I spend so much money on my travel and submitting his visa paperwork), and I need to consider the same for myself.

Edited February 6, 2012 by rkk1

[Lainie B 465]

If you're still wondering about the ticket, ask yourself this, knowing what you know now, would you book it again tomorrow?

[Ippsy Pippsy 31]

I vote you cancel the ticket while you can. You can always book a new one. Best if you do it after your big exam, and NOT on a loan.

A few things have stuck out here: there's what he wants, what might be possible, and what is flat-out not likely or legal. And then there's what might be a bad idea. It would be best if the two of you agreed on a short visit, and you just had to figure out what to tell his parents.

First: Why would he want to bring an elderly, sick parent to a country with expensive and defective healthcare? See, you're a caring daughter-in-law! I actually know one woman who had health problems who sped up her marriage to an Indian man so she could move FROM the USA to India. If you can't afford plane tickets outright, you can't afford hospital bills outright either! And I would hope he is "attached" to her, she's his mother! If she needs supervised healthcare, you've got some other problems going on here...

Second: On the other hand... Don't Indian parents want grandkids? How the $#%@#$% do they expect any sex to go on if they are staying with you for 6 months and you are camped out on the floor? And have no privacy? They don't sound particularly respectful of it now... You really don't want any parents around until you've managed to work out things for yourselves --- just the two of you. Who does which chores, etc. How that all plays out will probably be different than you think.

Third: Any idea where your lease is? Four *adults* in a 1-bedroom apartment might be normal in India, but over here I doubt it is legal. Now 1-bd could mean anything, I don't know what city you are in and if you have 400 square feet or 1,200 square feet. But find that lease, and see what the longest allowed legal "stay" is. I bet it isn't over 4 weeks. Past that, and your landlord could require you to add them to the lease! And require a credit check/etc for them. (Likewise, I doubt they will be able to stay with your husband's brother IF he were studying here. Unless he was one roommate in a large house... Mentioning that is just some "he's better than you" guilt thing.)

I think the two of you need some cool-down time here. Manipulation and stress isn't going to help your studies.

[Ippsy Pippsy 31]

Will the two of you be able to make long visits there? That is probably more realistic. Otherwise, maybe you should hold off on your immigration paperwork until you work out more things.

[Boiler 45,519]

I thought I had replied to this thread, but perhaps there was another very similar.

1. The obvious comment is that you should immigrate, not him.

2. Sounds like they do not have a Visitor Visa and they may well not get one.

3. A Visitor Visa is for visiting, US style, not living Indian style.

4. I know with my Mother, 2 weeks Travel Insurance cost the same as the flight.

5. They are prepared to camp in your living room for 6 months? A few days sounds practical.

6. What would they do?

7. I he wants family ts stay they perhaps he should source suitable accommodation, a much bigger property for a start.

[Darnell 8,478]

I am really not pleased with his emotionally manipulative style. For example, he called me a few hours ago (as I had mentioned earlier this morning that I wasn't sure if our relationship could work out). He said he was so sad that he stayed up for most of the night thinking about it. He told me that he loved his mom, but he also loved me so much as well and couldn't let me go from his life. He said he was dying for me to come visit him as he needed me. After listening to all that, I emotionally melted, and went ahead and booked a plane ticket for me to go visit him at the end of this month. This was about 4 hours ago. I hardly have any money as I'm taking loans, but I still went out and got the ticket. Also it's a really bad time for me to travel as I have my national (professional) exams in a few months and need to be studying day and night for it, and not traveling. He knows full well that this is a bad time for me, as it can have long term career implications. But I booked the ticket for him, as I don't like to see my husband beg.

Then 2 hours ago, he and I were talking, and he asked me if I had booked the ticket. When I told him I had, he was back to his non-romantic self and we started fighting about the 6 month parent stay. He was also telling me that if I filed the I-130 visa, then I should fully expect him to use up the 6 month extension after the visa is granted, as he wants to be in India for taking care of his mom. I told him that if he wants to stay there as long as possible, then maybe he should just realize that his life is in India and my life is here, and maybe this marriage just isn't meant to be. He didn't like hearing all this.

Now I'm wondering what the heck I did booking that plane ticket. On one hand, it is good for me to try to save my marriage by visiting my husband. On the other hand, i wonder if I'm just emotionally gullible and he can easily sway me like this.

I might have 24 hours to get a refund on this ticket, and I wonder if I should just do that. I wonder if his behavior is understandable/reasonable or if I'm in a no-win relationship destined for a life of suffering. I'm on a rollercoaster right now.

Based on just this post, I pray you cancelled the ticket.

He needs another perspective - it's not on you to give it to him. He needs to learn that you come first, and the mother second. Until that happens, expect repetitions of this conversation.

Good Luck, whatever happens.

[rkk1 34]

Thanks so much everyone for your comments.

I decided yesterday not to cancel my tickets... as I love my husband, and wanted to give our relationship every chance possible... as I don't want to look back later when it's over and regret not doing everything possible to make my marriage work. So I decided to go. My husband was thrilled.

Unfortunately, life might have had other plans for us. Last night my husband told me again that he loved me and was very sorry for the fighting. We decided to put this topic on hold, and discuss it another time, so we could be loving to each other instead. But we got some really bad news this morning... he found out that he has active TB himself and is infectious. Although he is planning to get treatment himself, I don't think it might be enough time for him to be assuredly non-infectious before I go. (Normally TB takes 2-4 weeks of treatment to be non-infectious - though 6 weeks of treatment to be on the safe side, but it will only be over 2 weeks of treatment by the time I get there - which is a big risk to me, especially as we don't know the status of others in his family either.) I tried calling the airline and explaining the medical issue, but it seems they are unlikely to give a refund as it's too late now. So most likely (due to my husband's infectious status) it is unsafe for me to go at this point and I've lost over $1,700. My husband keeps apologizing for making me lose all the money (as I had told him to get himself tested the day prior, when I could have cancelled on time and gotten a full refund), but I have told him that he didn't know that he was ill, and it isn't his fault now. It's good anyhow that we found out about his illness, as he isn't eligible for his medical interview (for visa) anyway until he gets treated.

Edited February 8, 2012 by rkk1

[VanessaTony 3,567]

He just happened to find out the day after you couldn't get a refund on the ticket that he's infectious? Yeah... not likely. Sounds like he's making you pay, literally, for not letting his parents stay. I suggest looking at rescheduling the flight. It might cost a little bit extra but it's better than losing $1700!

**Edit - I also would have cancelled the flight until a better time. You would have been giving up on your relationship by waiting. I think you'll get attacked (verbally at least) by his family about you irrational dislike to his family staying. He's probably already talked to them about it. I would be VERY VERY careful when you get there.

Edited February 8, 2012 by Vanessa&Tony

[Boiler 45,519]

Why was he tested?

Years ago there was a TB scare at work and we al had to be x ray'd, not something that you do on the spur of the moment.

[rkk1 34]

Why was he tested?

Years ago there was a TB scare at work and we al had to be x ray'd, not something that you do on the spur of the moment.

Actually I was the one who told him to get tested. I had been suggesting he do it for weeks (just as a precaution - neither of us thought he really had anything). But I finally demanded he do it 2 days ago, before I booked my tickets. The first day he was working from home, and when he was free, the doctor's clinic was already closed for the evening. Then yesterday he had gone in the morning to get the chest x-ray done (which would have barely given me enough time to cancel), but there was a problem reading the x-ray as he might have accidentally moved while taking it. So they had him come back in the afternoon to retake it, and he got the results in the evening - which was too late for me, as it was morning here. He scanned a copy of the doctor's findings from the x-ray, and emailed it to me - so it's real, unfortunately.

He just happened to find out the day after you couldn't get a refund on the ticket that he's infectious? Yeah... not likely. Sounds like he's making you pay, literally, for not letting his parents stay. I suggest looking at rescheduling the flight. It might cost a little bit extra but it's better than losing $1700!

**Edit - I also would have cancelled the flight until a better time. You would have been giving up on your relationship by waiting. I think you'll get attacked (verbally at least) by his family about you irrational dislike to his family staying. He's probably already talked to them about it. I would be VERY VERY careful when you get there.

He does feel terrible. In fact, before booking the flight, he promised me that he'd reimburse me 20%. Although that might not seem to be very much, it IS by his currency... as it's a few months worth of savings for him. He is feeling so bad now about wasting my $1,700 that he says he'll still pay me the 20%. I wrote him back telling him that I will hold him to that promise... but just not right now, since they're in a financial crisis due to his mom's illness. He can pay me back once they recover.

I'll try to reschedule, but I don't know when my next vacation will be. There is a potential break in December, but is not guaranteed. I was hoping he'd be here by then and that we could use that week for me to help him get acquainted here in the US, but I don't know what will happen right now since his visa application is on hold (at his request, though most likely I'll be submitting it this week). If he's not here, then sure I could use that ticket to try to see him in December (depending on whether I have a break then). But everything is up in the air for me.

Edited February 8, 2012 by rkk1

[Ippsy Pippsy 31]

Try writing the airline to get a refund?

[Boiler 45,519]

None of this makes sense, how would they afford 6 months in the US?

[rkk1 34]

None of this makes sense, how would they afford 6 months in the US?

They wouldn't. Once my husband gets a job and makes enough, we'd pay for their ticket and pay their expenses while here. They'd be living with us, so we'd take care of getting them anything they need.

It's basically like they took care of him while growing up, so when they get older, it's his responsibility to take care of them too in return.

Edited February 8, 2012 by rkk1

[Boiler 45,519]

So they will be visiting for 4 years and then moving in full time.

Sounds like you understood the deal, so not sure why there is such a fuss about their visits before they can immigrate.

[rkk1 34]

Well, I know many Indians have this traditional thinking. But not everyone still thinks exactly like this. Furthermore, I thought he also realized that he was marrying an American woman. Yes, I'm Indian-American, but still... we were born and raised in 2 different countries. Also, I had already discussed on this thread how I had already told him that they could stay 3 weeks before we married, so as to make sure we weren't going to live in that sort of traditional arrangement. He was in a rush to marry, so he glossed over my statements at that time. That was the issue here.