negotiating about family visits

[VanessaTony 3,567]

You can do what I do. Have your husband use you as an excuse. Anytime my mother wants or says something unreasonable which is a fair amount of time, I just use Mr. Sachinky as an excuse. "Ma, you know he's not Indian. These things just don't fly here!" or "Ma, you need to understand that I am married to an American. THIS simply cannot happen."

And yes, my mother would totally come and stay for 6 months if my father wasn't unwell and unable to travel.

Oooo I don't know if this is Indian specific advice. I would NEVER use my husband as an excuse to my parents. The reason for this is because my sister did, all the time, with her husband. My parents have an awful opinion of my sisters husband because she constantly said HE this, HE said that etc etc so they were let to believe that he's this controlling judgemental person. I never want my family to think poorly of Tony so if there is something he doesn't want then it's something "we" don't want. He needs to deal with his family and I deal with mine, it works much better that way.

[Kajikit 65]

I don't think that ANY visitors visa will allow your inlaws to appear on your doorstep for six months of the year every single year, unless your husband is a Canadian citizen... everyone who uses the VWP gets 90 days at a time, and while a B2 will allow you to stay for 6 months in a 12-month period, I'm pretty sure they don't intend it for continuous use.

International travel is expensive and time-consuming, and few people can afford to do it more than every few years, so a visit of a month or two seems reasonable. More than that is seriously wearing out your welcome, not to mention raising eyebrows at customs. Warn your DH that if his parents attempt to visit too frequently/long, they might have their visa pulled and be barred from the country...

And no, a one-bedroom apartment is NOT the place for more than an overnight guest. If his parents want to visit for an extended period, you'll just have to find them an extended-stay motel in the area and you'll both have some space!

[aaron2020 11,651]

Have your parents talk to his. Get your parents to explain that it is not normal in the US for parents to live with their married children. In addition, it is unusual for guests to stay 6 months even if they are parents.

[sachinky 465]

Oooo I don't know if this is Indian specific advice. I would NEVER use my husband as an excuse to my parents. The reason for this is because my sister did, all the time, with her husband. My parents have an awful opinion of my sisters husband because she constantly said HE this, HE said that etc etc so they were let to believe that he's this controlling judgemental person. I never want my family to think poorly of Tony so if there is something he doesn't want then it's something "we" don't want. He needs to deal with his family and I deal with mine, it works much better that way.

Well, I see what you're saying and I totally agree with you. This would only work in certain instances. I I wouldn't say it's Indian specific, though -- although, to be fair, in India, son-in-laws are usually elevated to demi-god status and apparently can do no wrong. The reason it works for us is because my husband is a non-Indian/ white American and my mum is never too sure where the acceptable/appropriate cultural boundaries are. So a white lie here and there from my end doesn't really hurt, in my opinion. She can't get mad at him or think poorly of him if he's been brought up under a wholly different set of rules and operates in a different cultural context than what she (they) are familiar with and/or used to. So it's not really "him" as a person that I use as an excuse, but stress more on the difference in nationality/upbringing/culture. In fact, if you take a look at my earlier statements: "Ma, you know he's not Indian. These things just don't fly here!" or "Ma, you need to understand that I am married to an American. THIS simply cannot happen."

But you are right, I would never try this if I were married to an Indian or even when I dated Indian guys back in high-school.

Plus, both my parents adore Mr. Sachinky and he, them.

Edited January 18, 2012 by sachinky

[Marilyn. 340]

we live in a one bedroom, one bathroom very small place... My brother and my 4 year old nephew both whom I love a lot came for a visit last December.. they were here for almost a week. By the end of the week I was sad to see them go but glad to have the place back to ourselves.

It was easier back when we lived in a bigger place with 2 bedrooms...

[catknit 144]

Well, I see what you're saying and I totally agree with you. This would only work in certain instances. I I wouldn't say it's Indian specific, though -- although, to be fair, in India, son-in-laws are usually elevated to demi-god status and apparently can do no wrong. The reason it works for us is because my husband is a non-Indian/ white American and my mum is never too sure where the acceptable/appropriate cultural boundaries are. So a white lie here and there from my end doesn't really hurt, in my opinion. She can't get mad at him or think poorly of him if he's been brought up under a wholly different set of rules and operates in a different cultural context than what she (they) are familiar with and/or used to. So it's not really "him" as a person that I use as an excuse, but stress more on the difference in nationality/upbringing/culture. In fact, if you take a look at my earlier statements: "Ma, you know he's not Indian. These things just don't fly here!" or "Ma, you need to understand that I am married to an American. THIS simply cannot happen."

But you are right, I would never try this if I were married to an Indian or even when I dated Indian guys back in high-school.

Plus, both my parents adore Mr. Sachinky and he, them.

From one of her posts she mentions she's Indian American - not sure she can completely use this. And, she may unintentionally confirm her in-laws' fears of ABCD syndrome.

To the OP - you need to talk this out. Find out why he wants Mom here for 6 months. Is it because that's what's allowed - the mentality that "well the visa is good for 6 months, I'm going to use EVERY SINGLE one of the days the US Government gives me". Or, is it out of "Oh my god, my baby boy is 9000 miles away and I'll stay with him as much as I can". These may just be emotional outbursts that can be talked out and a middle ground may be found.

Also - if her health is failing in any way, shape, or form - healthcare here is a hot mess. Trying to get decent healthcare using a travel policy with a pre-existing condition? Long trips may not be in anyone's best interest. Never mind the money for a second, being ill in a foreign country with only a son and daughter in law will be super hard compared to the family system she would have at home...

A couple additional random thoughts: knowing the system won't score anyone a tourist visa. Out of my tons of NRI friends' families - there are always those that get randomly denied. Maybe the mom is approved and the dad isn't. Maybe Auntyji had no problem 13 years ago but for whatever reason got denied this go around - and even stranger still, she ends up being approved 7 months later with the same paperwork. The rhyme and reason of the approvals is so completely sporadic sometimes. Good jobs, bad jobs, cars, houses, grandkids - it's like some bizarro algorithm that constantly has changing constants. There is no guarantee your mother in law will get approved.

How committed are you to this 1 bedroom apartment? If hubby finds a job that makes your commute unbearable - might you move? Would you upsize to a 2 bedroom? You may not feel as on top of each other that way if she is there on longer visits.

Another thought on the job front. Depending on the hubby's career, is he in a field where taking nice chunks of time off is acceptable [teacher, professor, will he own a company where he can telecommute 4-6 weeks a couple of times a year]? Working out a schedule where trips are anticipated can ease the separation anxiety [for example, every July he goes home - maybe she could visit November and he goes back again in March - no more than 3/4 months apart].

I'm hoping you all have worked out expectations for the rest of the relationship too - just venturing a guess that he's somewhat progressive in his thinking in general when not being pressured by his parents? Otherwise you will have a lot of these negotiations to go through about everything.

[rlogan 2,036]

First of all staying for months is not all that uncommon in Indian culture.

This is irrelevant when you already made an agreement for 2-3 weeks. Being untrue to your word is not a feature of Indian culture.

Anyway, I agree that my husband and I have to discuss this further. He's been more emotional lately as his mom has been really sick, so I don't know if this was said in that context. I'll wait some weeks until his mom has stabilized before bringing this up, when he's more mentally and emotionally open to different topics.

If you let this emotional blackmail work on you then there will be no end to it.

it's possible I might be fine with this arrangement in the future, especially if we move into a bigger place. But what I want is the OPTION to be able to tell my husband that it's time for them to leave with him not getting mad at me, and them being okay with it and not considering me a selfish person.

[rlogan 2,036]

Oops. My one-year-old decided to interrupt my post before I was finished.

You show an empathy for his culture, but seem to be oblivious to them showing any empathy for ours. They aren't fragile little children or robots that have only one programming. Allow yourself the dignity of having other people be as considerate of you as you are towards them.

You already made an agreement for 2-3 weeks and you have the option of extending that if you wish, so why is there a desire for an inferior option of hoping you can ask them to leave after 3,4, or five months?

I live with my wife's family when we are in the Philippines, and I expect them to live here when they come. This has nothing to do with a different view about living with parents.

[sachinky 465]

From one of her posts she mentions she's Indian American - not sure she can completely use this. And, she may unintentionally confirm her in-laws' fears of ABCD syndrome.

Ah, must have missed that bit. Very true.

You show an empathy for his culture, but seem to be oblivious to them showing any empathy for ours. They aren't fragile little children or robots that have only one programming. Allow yourself the dignity of having other people be as considerate of you as you are towards them.

You already made an agreement for 2-3 weeks and you have the option of extending that if you wish, so why is there a desire for an inferior option of hoping you can ask them to leave after 3,4, or five months?

Edited January 18, 2012 by sachinky

[jojolicious 38]

If you let this emotional blackmail work on you then there will be no end to it.

Very true.

[Susita 175]

I have some advice for the OP. NEVER say never.

Why am I telling you this? Well, you guys are newlyweds and don't have any kids. I don't know if you're planning on it, but let me tell you, I WOULD KILL TO HAVE MY IN-LAWS HERE FOR 6 MONTHS OUT OF THE YEAR. Yes, I said it. I like to shower. I like to go to the store. I like to use the bathroom without 3 children banging on the door as soon as I get in there, asking for string cheese. I like taking more than a 3 minute shower. I like these things. I don't often have moments to myself.

So just because it's a big NO now, it doesn't mean you'll always feel that way, so don't be too adamant about it, or you may back yourself into a corner.

- Advice from a mom of 3 (almost 4)

[rkk1 34]

Thanks so much to everyone who has been so kind to respond here.

He and I have talked for a few hours over this topic in the last 2 days. He is dead set on his parents coming here for 6 months... not kidding. He says that he has made so many promises to me before marriage (he told me he'd do most of the cooking, cleaning etc) that the least I could do in return for him is let his family stay as long as they can. He has cried, begged, pleaded, gotten angry, guilt tripped me etc. He says that he is leaving his whole life behind to come here, and the least I could do is to be open for his family to stay with us, so that he doesn't feel all alone here. He says that his parents will be no burden to us at all, but will only make my life easier. He says he doesn't want anything else from me other than for me to agree to this 'small' request (of his parents staying for 6 months of every year).

I asked him why he didn't tell me all this before marriage when we discussed the 2-3 weeks for his parents to stay. He said that I was the one who had stated the 3 weeks, and he simply said "Ok" as he really didn't think this was something set in stone, or something that would become a problem for us later. He also said he didn't realize how attached he was to his mom until he recently saw her severely ill (she started having seizures).

He has told me that it would be completely improper to kick his parents out of the house after 3 weeks, as they have raised him and have every right to stay with him. He started getting really angry and worked up when he talked about 'kicking them out of the house because [his] wife wasn't comfortable". I told them that we could start with 3 weeks for a visit, with the option of extending visits if my comfort grows in time. He wouldn't listen, as he wanted me to commit to 6 months right now.

Finally when I talked about us just breaking up the relationship, then he changed his tune a bit. He seemed really bitter and disappointed with me, but said that maybe his brother should just apply for a study visa at a large university in my city, and his parents could just stay at the brother's place since I (according to him) have no desire to see them. I told him I don't have a problem with this idea, but practically it might not be so possible as it would be very expensive for his brother to study in the US as an international student, and that his brother wouldn't have the money to have his own place (as he'd be living with roommates to save money if he was here). Then he asked me if I would be willing to consider 3 months. I told him that was still too long. He was put off.

[rkk1 34]

I am really not pleased with his emotionally manipulative style. For example, he called me a few hours ago (as I had mentioned earlier this morning that I wasn't sure if our relationship could work out). He said he was so sad that he stayed up for most of the night thinking about it. He told me that he loved his mom, but he also loved me so much as well and couldn't let me go from his life. He said he was dying for me to come visit him as he needed me. After listening to all that, I emotionally melted, and went ahead and booked a plane ticket for me to go visit him at the end of this month. This was about 4 hours ago. I hardly have any money as I'm taking loans, but I still went out and got the ticket. Also it's a really bad time for me to travel as I have my national (professional) exams in a few months and need to be studying day and night for it, and not traveling. He knows full well that this is a bad time for me, as it can have long term career implications. But I booked the ticket for him, as I don't like to see my husband beg.

Then 2 hours ago, he and I were talking, and he asked me if I had booked the ticket. When I told him I had, he was back to his non-romantic self and we started fighting about the 6 month parent stay. He was also telling me that if I filed the I-130 visa, then I should fully expect him to use up the 6 month extension after the visa is granted, as he wants to be in India for taking care of his mom. I told him that if he wants to stay there as long as possible, then maybe he should just realize that his life is in India and my life is here, and maybe this marriage just isn't meant to be. He didn't like hearing all this.

Now I'm wondering what the heck I did booking that plane ticket. On one hand, it is good for me to try to save my marriage by visiting my husband. On the other hand, i wonder if I'm just emotionally gullible and he can easily sway me like this.

I might have 24 hours to get a refund on this ticket, and I wonder if I should just do that. I wonder if his behavior is understandable/reasonable or if I'm in a no-win relationship destined for a life of suffering. I'm on a rollercoaster right now.

Edited February 6, 2012 by rkk1

[Golden Gate 530]

If it feels like a roller coaster ride, that is what it is. When is it going to end and how? I was on a roller coaster ride with my previous relationship. Now, after 14 years, my ex is just starting to realize some things that I realized way back then. You can't change a leopard's spots.

[Lainie B 465]

The ticket - you already know that answer to that, it is clear as day in your emails, it is a bad time for you to go, you can't afford it, you should cancel it if you still can. Bear in mind this will probably not go down well with your husband, but you have to do what is right for you.

From an outsider's perspective it is very clear what is happening here - he is manipulative and controlling. He is not putting you first.