negotiating about family visits

[AugHem 2]

Hi guys. I am just wondering how you negotiated with your spouse about bringing family to the US. Before marriage, my husband and I (the US citizen petitioner) agreed that it would be fine if his parents came for 2-3 weeks to visit us. He had asked me back then about how I felt about his family visiting, and I told him I'd be perfectly happy if they came for 2-3 weeks to visit us after he comes here. Now after marriage, he is saying that he wants them to come for 6 months of each year...! I'm not clear if he was just saying this out of emotion, or if he really means it! Being with parents is normal for him as he grew up with extended family around him, as in India adult children live with their parents and grandparents. But for me who grew up with my parents only, and moved away from home for college and currently live alone, this is not something I take lightly. His parents are wonderful people, and the best in-laws I could ask for. It's possible I won't have any issue with them coming over after the first time they visit. They are extremely sweet (though very traditional) and my husband things they'd do nothing but be nice to us, making us yummy food, etc. Even though I agree that them coming would most likely be a positive thing, but I think I deserve to keep my options open and say 'no' to extended (greater than 1 month) visits if I"m not comfortable with it.

Since my husband and I are not yet together, it's possible he's just going through some emotions and will be okay with the 2-3 week visit after he moves here. I just hope it won't turn into a problem for us. Although I don't think I will have any issue with them at all (as they are wonderful), I want my husband and I to be heads of the household in our home, and I feel like if his family comes then they will be the bosses and dictate our lives, as is done in Indian culture. I don't want to be a servant in my own home.... the 'good' daughter-in-law who is always catering to everyone's needs while sacrificing her own needs (for autonomy/independence, privacy, etc). Even now with my husband and I being long-distance, we don't have much privacy, as when we talk on Skype, his family members just come in his room and sit next to him while we talk, so we are limited in what we say. (For example, the other day I was sending him a kiss over Skype and telling him I loved him, and he got really quiet and mumbled to me that his dad was in the room.) Once they live with us, all privacy will be lost. Since they are so traditional, they'd criticize my more 'liberal' ways, even though my husband doesn't have an issue with my lifestyle. I currently have a 1 bedroom apartment, and I know if that if his parents come for 6 months, that would mean that I'd have to sleep on the living room floor for 6 months (as I'd be giving them my room, as is done in Indian culture). Some people (especially those of you growing up in Asia) may call me selfish, but I'm an American and this is how things are done here. I know my husband has a hard time standing up to his family and I think he would have a hard time telling them to come for up to 3 weeks only, as he'd probably want them to come for as long as they want to be here.

I'm just wondering how US citizen spouses have deal with this issue, and if your foreign spouses have been understanding in this matter. I'm hoping it won't be an issue at all, and that we can all get along beautifully, but I just want to know about others' experiences. Thanks!

Being an Indian born and raised in India and now an US citizen, I completely understand your situation and feelings. My situation is different. I currently live with my parents here in US. My husband who is in India has been living alone for many years since his mom passed away and his dad lives in different city. Once he comes here, we will have to live with my parents until he gets a job. I already told him and he agreed. I am sure he will have some difficulties living with my parents because there will not be much privacy. However, when I chat with my husband now via Skype or talk on the phone, my parents leave me alone and do not even come to my room.

I would suggest you to tell your husband how you feel. Try not to hurt his feelings or get him upset. Explain the situation here in US like one bedroom apartment, etc. It is very difficult for him to leave his parents and come here but he has to understand the lifestyle here. Also having his parents while chatting with you is not good. He has to close his room when he chats with you. Even though your in-laws are nice people, issues will come once they start living with you. Hope your husband agrees to your decision. Good luck!

[rkk1 34]

Oh, and just to respond to a few more comments (I'll keep it short this time!)

1. He has another brother, but it's just the two siblings. His bro will live in India, so of course his parents will stay there, but they will probably try to come here every year if my husband will pay for their tickets to come. Since they have 2 sons, I think they'd like to divide their time in both places if they can.

2. As far as them not getting the visa... I love them and would certainly want them to come visit. As I'm Indian-American myself (my parents immigrated here many years before I was born), I have Indian relatives who have gotten their family members visas to come here. So I'm pretty confident that they'd get the visa they want, as members of my family have gone through the process before and know what needs to be done.

3. I also agree with Rufus about him getting shy in front of his parents about saying 'I love you' or giving me an innocent hug. That drives me crazy that he can't do that in front of his parents.. we're married! He can't even stand up to them and lock the door when we talk on Skype, as he worries what they'll think if the door is closed/locked. So we don't have privacy to talk openly about certain things, because we don't want them to walk in and hear. That is very annoying.

[Darnell 8,478]

Perhaps another plan would be to let the fathers battle? Once yer husband is headed this way, move back in with YOUR parents - then when HIS parents come to stay/visit - The Fathers will have much time together to war and fuss, and the Mothers will have much time to fight over kitchen dominance.

Done this way, this leaves the two of you pretty much alone, you have loads of free time to re-establish your marriage bliss - the parents are busy elsewhere.

Becomes a different political dynamic, to be certain - but it's no longer YOUR problem.

Perhaps a slight twist - live in your apartment with your husband when his parents are not in USA, then come back to your parents when his parents are in USA. Then you have a period of time with pure peace, each year.

[rkk1 34]

Haha, thanks for the amusement Darnell. Actually both his parents as well as my dad are the easygoing ones. So there wouldn't be any dueling there. My mom is actually the dominating one of the group. Although my husband is the one who has no problem at all moving in with my family (he even asked about this), I am the one who is not open to that. I'd live with his parents happily anyday before I'd move back into my parents' place. My parents fight a lot as my mom created a lot of drama at home. His parents are very peaceful people, and they are VERY good to me (I am lucky)! My discomfort is simply due to their more traditional attitudes (as they come from a small non-progressive city). Like they'd probably be disturbed with me leaving my place wearing shorts or tank-tops, or going off to study with a male classmate, or me having a few sips of wine. And they'd probably expect me to ask them before making any family decisions. It's stuff like that which would bother me.

The issue is not even so much with them, as it is with my husband. Even though they aren't dominating at all, he is still unable to do anything that he feels would be against their wishes, as he believes that since they gave birth to him, they can permanently tell him what to do for the rest of his life. If he were simply to put his foot down, I'm sure they'd eventually be okay with things sooner or later. But he's the 'good obedient son' who has trouble standing up for himself.

Edited January 16, 2012 by rkk1

[Nina~ 431]

Bored houseguests sometimes leave, sometimes they become a huge pain. Hoping they'll get bored and get lost on their own isn't how you solve this problem.

The point I was making is that there might not be a problem in the first place. The OP states that it is her fiance's wish to have his parents stay with them for 6 months, and no where does she mention that it is her in-law's idea. It might just be wishful thinking of her fiance. Think about it, would anyone pack a suitcase and leave everything they know to go and crash at someone's house for 6 months. I can see them doing that if they wanted to visit their grand kids, but otherwise it is highly unlikely.

[xxxwabbiexxx 70]

You are perfectly right!!!! 6 months, I don't think so. I've just explained your situation to my husband and he laughed at the idea of my mum or his parents being with us for 6 months, it would not happen. We love our families dearly, but a week or 2 (maybe 3 with my mum as she's in England) is more than enough.

With what I've seen of Asian culture I too would be concerned about the mother taking over the house, you being a slave and the husband not standing up to his parents and I would not roll with me.

See how everything goes, but I would talk to him soon (when the times feels right) just so that he's aware of what you're feeling, and if he can't compromise and see that he's being unreasonable then explain how you feel - you're his wife!!

[Scafidi454 22]

Hi guys. I am just wondering how you negotiated with your spouse about bringing family to the US. Before marriage, my husband and I (the US citizen petitioner) agreed that it would be fine if his parents came for 2-3 weeks to visit us. He had asked me back then about how I felt about his family visiting, and I told him I'd be perfectly happy if they came for 2-3 weeks to visit us after he comes here. Now after marriage, he is saying that he wants them to come for 6 months of each year...! I'm not clear if he was just saying this out of emotion, or if he really means it! Being with parents is normal for him as he grew up with extended family around him, as in India adult children live with their parents and grandparents. But for me who grew up with my parents only, and moved away from home for college and currently live alone, this is not something I take lightly. His parents are wonderful people, and the best in-laws I could ask for. It's possible I won't have any issue with them coming over after the first time they visit. They are extremely sweet (though very traditional) and my husband things they'd do nothing but be nice to us, making us yummy food, etc. Even though I agree that them coming would most likely be a positive thing, but I think I deserve to keep my options open and say 'no' to extended (greater than 1 month) visits if I"m not comfortable with it.

Since my husband and I are not yet together, it's possible he's just going through some emotions and will be okay with the 2-3 week visit after he moves here. I just hope it won't turn into a problem for us. Although I don't think I will have any issue with them at all (as they are wonderful), I want my husband and I to be heads of the household in our home, and I feel like if his family comes then they will be the bosses and dictate our lives, as is done in Indian culture. I don't want to be a servant in my own home.... the 'good' daughter-in-law who is always catering to everyone's needs while sacrificing her own needs (for autonomy/independence, privacy, etc). Even now with my husband and I being long-distance, we don't have much privacy, as when we talk on Skype, his family members just come in his room and sit next to him while we talk, so we are limited in what we say. (For example, the other day I was sending him a kiss over Skype and telling him I loved him, and he got really quiet and mumbled to me that his dad was in the room.) Once they live with us, all privacy will be lost. Since they are so traditional, they'd criticize my more 'liberal' ways, even though my husband doesn't have an issue with my lifestyle. I currently have a 1 bedroom apartment, and I know if that if his parents come for 6 months, that would mean that I'd have to sleep on the living room floor for 6 months (as I'd be giving them my room, as is done in Indian culture). Some people (especially those of you growing up in Asia) may call me selfish, but I'm an American and this is how things are done here. I know my husband has a hard time standing up to his family and I think he would have a hard time telling them to come for up to 3 weeks only, as he'd probably want them to come for as long as they want to be here.

I'm just wondering how US citizen spouses have deal with this issue, and if your foreign spouses have been understanding in this matter. I'm hoping it won't be an issue at all, and that we can all get along beautifully, but I just want to know about others' experiences. Thanks!

I think he's just emotional. I had two Indian roommates for a few months (but they were here for about a year or so) before they went back to India. Their parents (different sets/not related) were well off, and they were here for internships. Since then, both of them have plans to study abroad. One is in Edinburgh, Scottland for the next two years without his fiance or parents. The other is planning on Canada later this year.

So, that being said, we can assume it's not part of Indian culture. Or, just my two roommates were very progressive...

Either way, try to see about them staying here for 2 - 3 weeks, and then vacationing in and around India for some parts of the year (i.e. trade off visits) so that you can get out of the US some (if you want).

If his parents can afford to come over here for 6 months. They can afford to come in 2 - 3 week incriments every few months (from what I understands, in India it's either you're rich or poor).

[Justine+David 218]

You have to nip this in the bud. If you can't talk openly on skype, then you need to e-mail. But it has to be done. Prolonging the inevitable conversation will only make things worse...if he thinks you've mentally accepted it and you're more freaked out than ever.

p.s. I love my in-laws too, but not 6 months. Probably not even a month. Maybe 2-3 weeks.

[edwardteresa4ever 18]

Maybe they're not going to be given visa and problem will be solved. But seriosly, you need to have you husband take care of it - first step would be for him to understand why it will be bad for both of you (right now he apparently does not), then go talk to his parents.

I was always under the Impression Husband and Wife relationship is number one, ahead of all others, parents, Kids, siblings etc, regardless of culture. If the husband wife needs are being met, visiting inlaws should fit somewhere after that, seems this is like putting them first, not sure thats a good thing at least based on our culture as one op said problably fine to all co habit in India, but in the USA not a great idea unless they need care they can not receive otherwise, Just saying. My folks visit in the summer but have a little camper across the street on my land which is very nice, and there are rules, no unexpected visits after 8pm,9-5 during the day reserved for work ( I work from home ) and it works out great. we see each other most everyday even if its only for a littlewhile, we cook and eat together a couple days a week, it works. but without some kind of expcetations set it would not run smoothe and I love my folks and like having them around, but I also love prime rib and dont eat that 8hrs a day 7 days a week. work it our in advance or it could be a very uncomfortable thing.

[Lisa and Ian 7]

Our apartment lease has a clause specifying how long guests may stay without approval from the management. Ours has a 14-day limit. After that, we have to get approval. I'm not sure our management would be willing to let 2 extra people stay for 6 months if we had a one-bedroom apartment.

I'm not sure I would approach it that way at this time, though. I understand your husband might feel homesick, and that must be difficult. It's good that there is Skype to make people feel close. I think it just may be an issue of getting used to the new environment, in a way. You can always plan to go back to India, too, when it's possible, as well. It's good that you have relatives willing and able to make the trip, in any event.

[sachinky 465]

Honestly, what troubled me most was him talking about his dad being in the room and mumbling after the OP told him she loved him. I can see avoiding explicit conversations, but a simple "I love you?"

You clearly have no understanding of Indian culture. During my twenty-five years, I have never heard either of my parents (who've been married for 28 years) say "I love you" to each other. Some things are private and are not expressed in India. There is NO public display of affection. Especially amongst those who are more older and/or conservative. Even though I come from a fairly liberal family (as attested by the fact that my parents had no issues with my marrying a non-Indian American), I still probably wouldn't comfortable kissing Mr. Sachinky in front of them.

[bigdog 376]

Good Luck with this, 6 months is really long. Sister in law visited for two weeks it was a little short because they traveled around, but she is more than welcome back. I think the trailer out back (Darnell) is an outstanding idea, not in your face.

[sachinky 465]

You need to nip this in the bud. And you need to do it now. Indian parents are a tricky business. I should know. I moved across the Atlantic Ocean when I was 18.

The issue is not even so much with them, as it is with my husband. Even though they aren't dominating at all, he is still unable to do anything that he feels would be against their wishes, as he believes that since they gave birth to him, they can permanently tell him what to do for the rest of his life. If he were simply to put his foot down, I'm sure they'd eventually be okay with things sooner or later. But he's the 'good obedient son' who has trouble standing up for himself.

Ah, the life and times of the Good Indian Son. No one probably has it harder. Apart from the Dutiful Daughter-In-Law. I can't imagine 6 months with MY parents in my one-bed room apartment let alone with the In-Laws.

[AKSinghSingh79 143]

Think about it, would anyone pack a suitcase and leave everything they know to go and crash at someone's house for 6 months. I can see them doing that if they wanted to visit their grand kids, but otherwise it is highly unlikely.

Yes, Indian parents would do this and it is not highly unlikely in Indian culture at all. In traditional Indian culture, once a young Indian woman married, she moved in with her husband's family; his entire family. In some parts of India, this tradition is still observed.

That being said, Indian culture is strongly family driven. When Indians marry, it is not like western culture where the wedding focuses on the individuals exchanging vows. An Indian wedding is not about the joining of two people through marriage. It is about the joining of two families.

OP, you and your husband are settling in America and the cultural norms of India should not strain your home environment. In other words, you should never feel uncomfortable doing something in your own home (i.e. wearing shorts or having a glass of wine)

I am very very attached to my family and so is my fiance, but we like our privacy too much to allow our families to rearrange our home dynamics. It sounds like you do too. And I have read your older posts and can understand your husband's emotional state about his mother's health. Like I said, be firm but polite with him. I disagree with the other poster who are saying compromise is not an option. Compromise is key to the success of any relationship. Being too rigid in your beliefs can cause resentment in your partner.

[sachinky 465]

You can do what I do. Have your husband use you as an excuse. Anytime my mother wants or says something unreasonable which is a fair amount of time, I just use Mr. Sachinky as an excuse. "Ma, you know he's not Indian. These things just don't fly here!" or "Ma, you need to understand that I am married to an American. THIS simply cannot happen."

And yes, my mother would totally come and stay for 6 months if my father wasn't unwell and unable to travel.

Edited January 17, 2012 by sachinky