Delayed Culture Shock

[VivaBaños 2]

And it's so much worse in winter. We experienced this and had to wait out all the snow before practicing for the driver's license. Anything to be out and about you have to do. Is there an inexpensive gym in your area? When it's too frigid to spend much time outside, a trip to the gym is usually helpful, especially if you can go together. Or a local indoor team to join (soccer, basketball, etc) for the winter months?

As others have mentioned, the ESL courses are good for learning the language and just for meeting people on your own. We have a lot of free options in our town, even down to weekly conversation classes at the library.

When Spring comes it will be better. When he can work, it'll be doubly better. But let me add that the adjustment period can last a long time. My husband is working and generally happy with what we've made for our life here. But, the longing for 'home' is still buried in there. I imagine this is true for everyone who gives up his/her life in one area and starts anew in a completely different country.

[Liz and Miguel 3]

Thanks for all the feedback. This is an important issue in terms of adjustment. We have tried all of the options -- he is studying for his driver's license, I have made him paint, sand, and finish several pieces of bum furniture we have found on the side of the road, we have gone to the gym, singed up for ESL classes at about 12 different latino advocacy centers in Boston, and he even had an opportunity to volunteer at one of the advocacy centers as a financial mentor, which fits because his background is in micro finance. My parents bought him Rosetta Stone, we have gone out to eat typical Nica food, and listen to latin music, and I have taken him to work with me several times, I work for a foster care program for children from Central America who were separated from their parents at the border. He has gone to church with other Latinos, has odd jobs here in there in construction, knows how to take public transport and has his SSN and a bank account, has a MA state ID and a general sense of permanency here.

The reason I give this long list is to reinforce the comment that no matter what you do to help someone adjust, it really has to come from inside of them. In the past weeks, nothing makes my husband happy, and I refuse to believe this is my fault, or that I am not making an effort. I know my husband is incredibly motivated, determined, is normally very positive, and has a lot of drive to be here. But sometimes, for whatever reason, he forgets that. For anyone else going through this situation, I think the best thing to do is let it pass. There is a scary moment, I think, for all our partners when it really becomes clear what they have gotten themselves into, and it can be a bit unsettling, even if you have been working toward that goal for months or years.

I refuse to feel guilty for his adjustment glitch. I am working 60 hours a week at two jobs to support us both, and beyond that I dedicate 1 day a week to driving him all over Boston to look for ESL classes (which are expensive and have waiting lists of up to 1 year, so that is not a fool proof venture) and to practice applying for jobs and building his resume. I got him involved at a Spanish speaking career center when he is getting guidance on writing a resume and how to look for any apply for jobs. We have been on job interviews and have gotten involved in a support group for bicultural couples. It has been frustrating because most of these efforts have gone without a thank you or any kind of recognition, because he continues to say there are no opportunities and there is nothing for him here. Right now he wants instant gratification, and that is not a reasonable request.

I have decided I will continue to be just as proactive, but I know I will not be able to change his attitude on my own. That will need to come from within and whenever it does I will be happy. It's like he is a different person right now, and he just needs to get through it. He has the added pressure of needing to provide for his mom and three siblings, who he cared for in Nicaragua, and feels like he has failed at that because he cannot work right now. I generally ignore a person when they are overly self deprecating and ridiculous because I do think they need to reach inside of themselves and pull it together. I have told my husband several times I know how he feels-- I lived in Nicaragua for three years, and there were days I was so depressed I didn't want to leave the house. I felt confused and alone, but I realized I had the power to change that.

I hope everyone who is going through the same thing can be patient. I am anxiously waiting for my husband's AOS and I told him to enjoy the last few months of his life where I will allow him to be unemployed.

[Liz and Miguel 3]

we've gone to meet ups too! I have heard it all, but I really appreciate the advice!

[amyandjorge 76]

This is something I recently starting worrying about...Especially since I work third shift right now my husband will be on his own all day and sleep alne at night

Do you guys still go on dates and do romantic things? Or is couple time pushed aside? It seems like you are working a lot, I would be depressed too sitting and watching my spouse work that much...

[Susita 175]

Do you guys still go on dates and do romantic things? Or is couple time pushed aside? It seems like you are working a lot, I would be depressed too sitting and watching my spouse work that much...

I'll give some advice about making time for each other.

We have 3 (almost 4!) kids, but we still make Saturday & Sunday nights "movie nights." Put all the kids to bed and rent a movie from the Redbox, make some popcorn. Once a month or so we get grandma to babysit & go out to eat or something too.

We both work opposite shifts (I work days, he works overnights). You have to make time for each other, even if it's as simple as renting a movie and hanging out on the couch. Sometimes that's the best, too.

[Susita 175]

He has the added pressure of needing to provide for his mom and three siblings, who he cared for in Nicaragua, and feels like he has failed at that because he cannot work right now.

That's hard, and it happens a lot. Luckily, we don't have to support my husband's family in Peru other than a few emergencies (FIL's eye surgery, for example). If this is really affecting him, maybe talk to his family. Are they putting pressure on him? That really won't help.

I wish the best for you guys, I know he'll pull through it. It's rough at first. My husband was lucky to have the boys to drive him insaneI mean keep him busy, but there were those times when you could just tell something was up, and he did have that "useless" feeling too. Now he just wishes he could have 3 days off in a row.

[Liz and Miguel 3]

Success finally! I have been obsessively checking the USCIS website every day for progress on the case, and this morning I logged in to see my husband's work auth was approved on Friday! So exciting, the card should come in the mail any day and I know this will lift his spirits. I am going to consider this is Valentine's Day gift, hopefully in comes in by then.

[VivaBaños 2]

Success finally! I have been obsessively checking the USCIS website every day for progress on the case, and this morning I logged in to see my husband's work auth was approved on Friday! So exciting, the card should come in the mail any day and I know this will lift his spirits. I am going to consider this is Valentine's Day gift, hopefully in comes in by then.

Congrats! Here's hoping that he finds work quickly and that you both regain the pep in your step.

[mr and mrs 187]

Most men want to kill something (hunt for opportunities).

is this a typo of some sort?

ps. yay about the EAD. onwards and upwards!

[Ippsy Pippsy 31]

For the rest of you who are still waiting: you might not be able to work, but you can *volunteer*. That can be very useful in building a network that can get you a job later on. Think of it as your job --- find something related to what you'd like to do, or that interests you that you might want to work in.

Go to the public library or your local bookstore and find the careers section and ask for a book on "interviewing" and one on "networking". And one on identifying your skills, if you have no idea what they are! Work culture might be very different here than it was in your old country, so study up.

When I had no job for a few years, volunteering gave me confidence and a resume filler. And it ended up telling me NOT to go into jobs I thought I'd like!

Original poster: Do what you did for us, point out the list of things he's accomplished, and he might feel somewhat better.

Edited February 7, 2012 by Ippsy Pippsy