My family is going to disown me if I bring her over here now

[skiptex 225]

yep.. i thought it was a kid also.. LOL>.

i went back to school and finished my civil engineering degree in 3 yrs and i paid my own school too.. and i sure as heck did not worry about what my parents thought.. then again.. they were not in my business like this guy either..

ps.. +5 on the MAN UP part.. maybe your GF is trying to tell you the same thing..

[MochiKamo 93]

You're 34 and you're paying for school? You don't need your parent's approval anymore. Man up, and they'll respect you too.

This has nothing to do with "manning up." It's about choosing the course of action that is more favorable for the long term.

[Susita 175]

Paul... I was in a similar situation when my husband came to the US. I was paying for school by myself, working full-time and going to school full-time. My family didn't approve. Oh well. He's here, I'm done with school, have a good job, he has a good job, and we're fine. My family loves him by the way, as he's a great husband and father to our kids.

Do what's right for you. If you think you need to wait, wait. If you don't, don't. Ultimately, it's your decision.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

I can't win. My family tells me if I bring her over here now, they will never get another thing from me ever. I don't want to wait and I don't want to stop school, but I am tired of being away from her. Haidee doesn't want to wait either but my family wants me to finish school. Someone wants one thing and someone else wants another thing. I am stuck in the middle. Haidee gets mad when I say we need to wait. My family gets mad when I say I don't want to wait any longer. I can't decide between Haidee and school. I am at my wits end and going crazy with what to do. They ask me why can't I find someone here in the US? Maybe its because I am in love with Haidee and no one else, but do they even ask me about that? No. They say this because I am 34 years old, I made some wrong decisions in life, and now I am currently in school studying chemical engineering. I am trying to get my life back together and I hate being away from Haidee for so long. My mother even went as far to say that if I even go VISIT her, they will disown me. What the hell? Does anyone even care about what makes me happy? I am so frustrated and torn and losing my mind.

In what way will they disown you and how will this affect your life? As in you said you pay for school so it won't affect that. Are you living with them and require their support to attend school? If so were you planning on Haidee moving in with you and your family?

How is this a decision between Haidee and school? Will you be unable to continue school if she is here? How much longer do you have left of school?

Your family thinks you are a child. By allowing them to make your decisions for you you're ACTING like a child. One of the worst things for a girl is when her man doesn't stick up for her and their relationship. Your family is disrespecting your fiancee. They are trying to control your life (and by extension your fiancee) by pushing you to make decisions based on their wants.

What sort of family disowns someone if they don't do what they say? A manipulative one. They might love you but they certainly don't respect you. Disown you for even VISITING her? They don't like her. They don't like your relationship. They won't accept her. So you either pick her or you pick them. That's the choice they are making you make. Is your love for Haidee strong enough to survive not talking to your parents until they respect you and your (then) wife? Is your need for your parents acceptance and support so strong you are willing to give up Haidee? Because until they give you AND her respect you need to cut them off. She is going to struggle enough being away from her family and people who love her and thing she knows, let alone how she will be struggling if you subject her to their whims and ridicule. My in-laws aren't nice people (the occasional one is okay). I can tell you missing your family and having such sucky in-laws as the physically closest relationship sucks. My husband of dislikes them as well though so I have his full support.

[TBoneTX 45,303]

Dude:

Marriage is expensive -- more so than many realize. She won't be able to work right away, so you'd better have AOS fees in reserve (untouchable for any other purpose, including unexpected emergencies) so that you can apply for AOS/EAD/AP as soon as possible after marriage. You should marry as soon as is feasible after her U.S. entry.

In addition, women want a home and a "nest," and feathering that nest to keep them happy can be damned expensive.

Finally, you'd better take every measure to avoid a pregnancy until you're fully employed, because babies are the biggest expense of all.

In regard to your family, they should eventually come around. Those who come around first will lead the more stubborn ones in that direction.

[AmyWrites 593]

This has nothing to do with "manning up." It's about choosing the course of action that is more favorable for the long term.

Yes, allowing your family to manipulate you into doing what they want you do is what normal adults should do.

If the parents said, "Look we're concerned, you're still in school, what if she gets pregnant, etc..." that would be one thing. "We'll disown you if you bring this girl over here, or even visit her" is manipulative and that type of attitude shouldn't be allowed to grow. I mean, if this is how they are NOW, imagine when Haidee comes over, then it'll be everything from where they live or work or even having kids. The only situation I can think of in which this is OK is if he fell for a scammer before, or if there's any red flags. Otherwise it's just wrong.

He can't allow them to "win" this one because if he does, it won't be the end of it.

[jojolicious 38]

Dude:

Marriage is expensive -- more so than many realize. She won't be able to work right away, so you'd better have AOS fees in reserve (untouchable for any other purpose, including unexpected emergencies) so that you can apply for AOS/EAD/AP as soon as possible after marriage. You should marry as soon as is feasible after her U.S. entry.

In addition, women want a home and a "nest," and feathering that nest to keep them happy can be damned expensive.

Finally, you'd better take every measure to avoid a pregnancy until you're fully employed, because babies are the biggest expense of all.

In regard to your family, they should eventually come around. Those who come around first will lead the more stubborn ones in that direction.

You've hit the nail on the head.

OP, you will have a lot more expenses when she gets here and although it's frustrating for her to be away from you for so long, she will definitely be even more frustrated if she can't adjust status, go out with you every once in awhile etc because of insufficient funds.

Your family is being unnecessarily harsh by saying they will disown you. You are an adult and should make your decisions based on your own thinking until you get married and make your decisions based on your wife's thinking

[skiptex 225]

he is a chemical engineering major..

those dudes make great Starting money.. so once he gets out of school he should be just fine, in theory!

[jojolicious 38]

he is a chemical engineering major..

those dudes make great Starting money.. so once he gets out of school he should be just fine, in theory!

But how long does he have left?

[Ontarkie 14,226]

Why can't you have it both ways, marry and finish school. How much longer do you have? If you only have another year then that would be perfect. You can get married in her Country she can take her time planning the wedding of her dreams. I have read on here that in PI you can do that for dirt cheap. Maybe someone will come along and confirm this. Anyways she gets what she wants planning a wedding and that buys you more time in school. Maybe if your lucky a few more months or a semester. Then you go down get married and start the CR1 and that process takes time also, and it gives you more time for school. I remember reading somewhere that she still needs to pass the nursing test for the US (hope I remember right) that will give her time to do that so when she gets her visa she can look asap for work, even before she even leaves to come to the US. That would take the pressure off you if you still have time left in school. She can start working asap.

Now as for your schooling do not stop going to school, you will regret it. You just need to make a plan that she will understand that you are not abandoning her that you want her as much as she wants you. This option may help her see you both want the same thing. If this is something that you two can't agree on, then I would bet their is a lot more going on then just being apart.

Oh and stop trying to force a relationship between her and your family that just makes everyone uncomfortable.

[skiptex 225]

Now as for your schooling do not stop going to school, you will regret it. You just need to make a plan that she will understand that you are not abandoning her that you want her as much as she wants you. This option may help her see you both want the same thing. If this is something that you two can't agree on, then I would bet their is a lot more going on then just being apart.

no kidding.. not with that degree

[jojolicious 38]

Oh and stop trying to force a relationship between her and your family that just makes everyone uncomfortable.

Agreed!

[kytwell 179]

I see in the future: a wonderful relationship between your mother and wife. If your Mom is trying to run your life still while you're in your 30's, I can't imagine what she be like once there's grandkids involved. Time to cut the umbilical cord.

[Paul and Haidee 11]

Thanks everyone for the advice. I read all the threads and did not take any offense to them. I am glad people told me exactly what they thought of the situation insread of sugar coating it. I don't live with my family. MY entire family is in CT and I am in AL. I am currently looking for a full time job that hopefully will suffice for the affadavit of support. I want to continue going to school at least part time. DOes anyone have any ideas for jobs that don't require much experience that don't pay minumum wage. I have sales and customer service experience so I am looking at applying as a car salesman, as suggested by my sister in law.

[skiptex 225]

how long before you would be done if you go full time?