My family is going to disown me if I bring her over here now

[Paul and Haidee 11]

I can't win. My family tells me if I bring her over here now, they will never get another thing from me ever. I don't want to wait and I don't want to stop school, but I am tired of being away from her. Haidee doesn't want to wait either but my family wants me to finish school. Someone wants one thing and someone else wants another thing. I am stuck in the middle. Haidee gets mad when I say we need to wait. My family gets mad when I say I don't want to wait any longer. I can't decide between Haidee and school. I am at my wits end and going crazy with what to do. They ask me why can't I find someone here in the US? Maybe its because I am in love with Haidee and no one else, but do they even ask me about that? No. They say this because I am 34 years old, I made some wrong decisions in life, and now I am currently in school studying chemical engineering. I am trying to get my life back together and I hate being away from Haidee for so long. My mother even went as far to say that if I even go VISIT her, they will disown me. What the hell? Does anyone even care about what makes me happy? I am so frustrated and torn and losing my mind.

[Messybrownhair 251]

I would really take the time to sit down and think things over before making any rash decisions. I would not settle down unless I am ready. I know you miss her, but will you be able to provide for her once she gets here, and can you handle all the expenses for immigration. Can you sponsor her even without your family's support? These are things you need to consider. How much longer do you have left for school? I would definitely finish school first, if that would mean a better future for you both. If she really loves you, she would be able to wait as long as it takes. This is how I see it anyway. Goodluck

[MochiKamo 93]

I would really take the time to sit down and think things over before making any rash decisions. I would not settle down unless I am ready. I know you miss her, but will you be able to provide for her once she gets here, and can you handle all the expenses for immigration. Can you sponsor her even without your family's support? These are things you need to consider. How much longer do you have left for school? I would definitely finish school first, if that would mean a better future for you both. If she really loves you, she would be able to wait as long as it takes. This is how I see it anyway. Goodluck

Agreed. I would certainly finish school first.

[luckytxn 2,264]

I can't win. My family tells me if I bring her over here now, they will never get another thing from me ever. I don't want to wait and I don't want to stop school, but I am tired of being away from her. Haidee doesn't want to wait either but my family wants me to finish school. Someone wants one thing and someone else wants another thing. I am stuck in the middle. Haidee gets mad when I say we need to wait. My family gets mad when I say I don't want to wait any longer. I can't decide between Haidee and school. I am at my wits end and going crazy with what to do. They ask me why can't I find someone here in the US? Maybe its because I am in love with Haidee and no one else, but do they even ask me about that? No. They say this because I am 34 years old, I made some wrong decisions in life, and now I am currently in school studying chemical engineering. I am trying to get my life back together and I hate being away from Haidee for so long. My mother even went as far to say that if I even go VISIT her, they will disown me. What the hell? Does anyone even care about what makes me happy? I am so frustrated and torn and losing my mind.

From what you have mentioned so far is that you have mistakes so far in life and are considered a screw up. When you have finally been doing something where you seem to be on the right track then you are doing something to ruin that and appear to be screwing up again. Maybe it is you that needs to look inward and look at your own actions. Family and friends are there for you but will only do so much. They can't forever enable you to do as you please and support bad decisions. They are tired of being enablers.

[skiptex 225]

are your parents paying for your school?

[Moomin 292]

If your family members have anything to do with your affidavit of support or helping you out with school and generally being supportive maybe it's a good idea to at least listen a bit to them and finish school. Not to obey them but to appreciate their support in you getting your life back together again. But they also need to understand you're 34 and have learnt from your mistakes and you have a future wife willing you wait for you - their son, and it's not an imaginary fairy tale vacation you're on when visiting her, but reality.

I understand it's hard being away from your fiancee. I was overseas and I'd get frustrated and sad too if I was being put on hold(well, the visa part at least) but it's a process that has to be understood by both of you, the same with the waiting. It's not just "fill out some papers" and everything will be fine. Being in school is a legit reason for having a co-sponsor regarding the Philippines but if you were to get a job now and quit school you'd might still have to have a co-sponsor and later on joint sponsor.

I don't doubt for one second you love your fiancee. The only way I made my parents wake up and smell the overdose of love in the air was by them actually talking to Stephen through Skype and being involved. Before they though it was silly, and they still had some issues with it "being real" because they hadn't seen us together as a normal couple and couldn't relate to it at all. I got the "who's the dork taking my girl away" at first and I actually said I understood their reaction because they didn't have an honest change of meeting Stephen.

[Paul and Haidee 11]

Thanks for the advice. I know she loves me and I know she will wait. I just hate being away. I need to come to some sort of compromise with Haidee that will make everyone happy.

I would really take the time to sit down and think things over before making any rash decisions. I would not settle down unless I am ready. I know you miss her, but will you be able to provide for her once she gets here, and can you handle all the expenses for immigration. Can you sponsor her even without your family's support? These are things you need to consider. How much longer do you have left for school? I would definitely finish school first, if that would mean a better future for you both. If she really loves you, she would be able to wait as long as it takes. This is how I see it anyway. Goodluck

yes that is very true. I want to make sure I am able to provide for Haidee without struggling, but that would definitely be hard if I am still in school.

From what you have mentioned so far is that you have mistakes so far in life and are considered a screw up. When you have finally been doing something where you seem to be on the right track then you are doing something to ruin that and appear to be screwing up again. Maybe it is you that needs to look inward and look at your own actions. Family and friends are there for you but will only do so much. They can't forever enable you to do as you please and support bad decisions. They are tired of being enablers.

No I am paying for it all myself.

are your parents paying for your school?

I tried to get them involved to talk to her but they have the same hesitations. I don't think my mother realizes that this IS reality and we actually do love each other. But no one wants to talk to her cuz its over the internet and Haidee is afraid to talk to them because the way they react to our relationship.

If your family members have anything to do with your affidavit of support or helping you out with school and generally being supportive maybe it's a good idea to at least listen a bit to them and finish school. Not to obey them but to appreciate their support in you getting your life back together again. But they also need to understand you're 34 and have learnt from your mistakes and you have a future wife willing you wait for you - their son, and it's not an imaginary fairy tale vacation you're on when visiting her, but reality.

I understand it's hard being away from your fiancee. I was overseas and I'd get frustrated and sad too if I was being put on hold(well, the visa part at least) but it's a process that has to be understood by both of you, the same with the waiting. It's not just "fill out some papers" and everything will be fine. Being in school is a legit reason for having a co-sponsor regarding the Philippines but if you were to get a job now and quit school you'd might still have to have a co-sponsor and later on joint sponsor.

I don't doubt for one second you love your fiancee. The only way I made my parents wake up and smell the overdose of love in the air was by them actually talking to Stephen through Skype and being involved. Before they though it was silly, and they still had some issues with it "being real" because they hadn't seen us together as a normal couple and couldn't relate to it at all. I got the "who's the dork taking my girl away" at first and I actually said I understood their reaction because they didn't have an honest change of meeting Stephen.

[Leatherneck 693]

I can't win. My family tells me if I bring her over here now, they will never get another thing from me ever. I don't want to wait and I don't want to stop school, but I am tired of being away from her. Haidee doesn't want to wait either but my family wants me to finish school. Someone wants one thing and someone else wants another thing. I am stuck in the middle. Haidee gets mad when I say we need to wait. My family gets mad when I say I don't want to wait any longer. I can't decide between Haidee and school. I am at my wits end and going crazy with what to do. They ask me why can't I find someone here in the US? Maybe its because I am in love with Haidee and no one else, but do they even ask me about that? No. They say this because I am 34 years old, I made some wrong decisions in life, and now I am currently in school studying chemical engineering. I am trying to get my life back together and I hate being away from Haidee for so long. My mother even went as far to say that if I even go VISIT her, they will disown me. What the hell? Does anyone even care about what makes me happy? I am so frustrated and torn and losing my mind.

Paul, this really needs to be said, so no offense intended. At age 34, you better MAN-UP! This is like the 3rd or 4th thread you've started about the same issue.

Yeah, you need to "man-up" to one of the women in your life. Doesn't matter which one as long as you stand up and make it known that what you want is important also,

you'll be respected more in the long run.

No disrespect to your mother or your family, at age 34 you have no obligation to make her/them happy with the decisions you make about your future.

Your mother is your mother and since you can not marry her, she'll get over your decision as to who you decide to marry, she can not live your life vicariously.

You can not please everyone, someone will be pissed at any decision you make, but just make a decision. At your age, your happiness should be the priority,

not trying to please others.

I mean Paul, what is more important to you, not being disowned or having a life with Haidee? It is unfortunate your back is in a corner now with an ultimatum

from your mother, the only way out of the corner is with a decision. You can prolong it, but you must make a decision.

Good luck!

[Leatherneck 693]

Agreed. I would certainly finish school first.

I offered that advice to him months ago.

[jojolicious 38]

If you're not financially dependent on your family and having her here won't jeopardise your schooling then by all means continue with the journey if that's what will make you happy.

However, if she leaves everything she knows to be here with you when you are struggling financially and have no emotional or other support from your family then it may end up being more stressful than you think on your relationship.

[AmyWrites 593]

You're 34 and you're paying for school? You don't need your parent's approval anymore. Man up, and they'll respect you too.

[Moomin 292]

Thanks for the advice. I know she loves me and I know she will wait. I just hate being away. I need to come to some sort of compromise with Haidee that will make everyone happy.

yes that is very true. I want to make sure I am able to provide for Haidee without struggling, but that would definitely be hard if I am still in school.

No I am paying for it all myself.

I tried to get them involved to talk to her but they have the same hesitations. I don't think my mother realizes that this IS reality and we actually do love each other. But no one wants to talk to her cuz its over the internet and Haidee is afraid to talk to them because the way they react to our relationship.

But are you living with your folks then? I agree with another poster. You don't have to make them happy by you being unhappy. If they have made up their mind that your decisions aren't good enough for them unless you agree then there's no point in trying to please them when they're obviously not going to be happy even if your fiancee was from the US (longdistance relationships exist in the US too).

Looking at it from a different perspective, then you're not caught in the middle. You say you can't afford to support your fiancee when you're in school. Take your parents away from the calculation and you still end up with the same result. You can't please everybody. But you can live up to your age and make an adult decision based both on your love for your fiancee and your financial situation. I betcha Haidee being mad is Haidee being sad if she understands your situation. If you can't get people around you to understand your decision, at least have them accept you're doing it to better the situation in the long run and not just thinking about the next couple of weeks/months.

[scotinmass 588]

Paul, this really needs to be said, so no offense intended. At age 34, you better MAN-UP! This is like the 3rd or 4th thread you've started about the same issue.

Yeah, you need to "man-up" to one of the women in your life. Doesn't matter which one as long as you stand up and make it known that what you want is important also,

you'll be respected more in the long run.

No disrespect to your mother or your family, at age 34 you have no obligation to make her/them happy with the decisions you make about your future.

Your mother is your mother and since you can not marry her, she'll get over your decision as to who you decide to marry, she can not live your life vicariously.

You can not please everyone, someone will be pissed at any decision you make, but just make a decision. At your age, your happiness should be the priority,

not trying to please others.

I mean Paul, what is more important to you, not being disowned or having a life with Haidee? It is unfortunate your back is in a corner now with an ultimatum

from your mother, the only way out of the corner is with a decision. You can prolong it, but you must make a decision.

Good luck!

When I started reading the OP I assumed he was a teenager! Yup grow a pair and make your own decisions!

[Leatherneck 693]

:thumbs:

You're 34 and you're paying for school? You don't need your parent's approval anymore. Man up, and they'll respect you too.

[Leatherneck 693]

When I started reading the OP I assumed he was a teenager! Yup grow a pair and make your own decisions!

I love and respect my mother, but I draw the line at decisions I have to live, she does not

get to tell me who I can or can't sleep with regards to a spouse.

Edited January 12, 2012 by Leatherneck