am i overreacting about this porn thing?

[Robert&Karen 264]

Don't think you understand the totality of the subject. Her husband has files with videos of "Incest". So I would say yeah, he's not helping things by watching them. Lying is definately a big issue but if he lied about watching a porno, ok I could understand maybe he was embarrassed about getting caught. Many men watch porn behind their womens' back and are embarrassed about getting caught. But he's not just watching porn, he's watching porn about incest. Big difference.

Matt

If that is indeed what it is. Not just titled that way maybe? Letting off steam in a fantasy? But you arr right, it does ask for deeper examination. If he has a porn filing system he's more into it than just any red blooded guy, and specifically saving incest videos, real or not, well...I don't think I'd be inviting his sister over anytime soon.

[fishernyalew 0]

Hello, I moved to this country almost 5 yrs ago, two days after I got here I found porn stuff on the computer, I found out that my husband had been watching (and paying) for webcam sex on some asian site just the night before he went to my home country to marry me. He had an interracial sex group on yahoo and I even found stuff about incest. I was so disgusted since I'm a conservative person, he even used to tell everybody how proud he was of me being a religious person. Anyway, that time, of course he denied it was him the one who did all that, and then after a few weeks he came clean and accepted it and promised me that he wouldn't be doing stuff like that anymore, that this was part of this past and blah blah. Besides this, I had been mentally and emotionally abused by him until last year when he really changed and became a great man and we had been very very happy, even trying to conceive a 2nd baby.

On December 19th, I went to my home country to check on my mom and niece who have been having heart problems, my husband told me not to count on him going, that he would be okay here, and so, I was there for 10 days; just the day I got there they hospitalized my niece due to tachiarhythmia and she's still not well, my husband seemed supportive every time we spoke on the phone. Then, on december 31st, after I came back, I was cleaning the apartment while he was at work and found a receipt to a dvd from a place called "pleasure emporium". My heart stopped. We had just been talking on the phone and we were excited talking about our plans for the new year but then after finding that receipt I didn't know what to do, I tried not to say anything but then when he came home at 11:40pm and I heard him unlocking the door, I simply broke down. I felt disappointed to know he had driven to a place like that and had been looking around like he used to do when he was single. I thought we were done with this type of issue 4 yrs ago.

When he saw me crying he asked me what happened and I told him, he simply scoffed, turned his back and went to take a shower, then he went to lay down on the sofa like nothing happened and this upset me even more. Today we had a heavy argument on the phone because he was telling me that instead of accusing him about this I should appreciate the fact that he has two jobs so I can be home. He even said "yeah, life is good!". He asked me if I have seen the DVD around the apartment, he told me that just because I found the receipt that doesn't mean that there is a dvd, isn't that stupid? he told me to look for it to see if I could find it. I told him of course by now he must have thrown it away.

Sorry about this long post but I feel so lonely, I don't have anybody in this country and no one who I can tell this to. I'm so sad that he had to do something like that, I tend to my wife duties in every possible way, he's almost 15 yrs older than me and he's proud of me being his "young wife" but this thing he did really hit me hard, and not only that, but his indifference makes me feel disrespected as well. What to do now?

I am very sorry to hear this and you have every right to be upset, but I want you to know that he feels just as ashamed of what he is doing as you are hurt. He may not act like it, but inside he is. The reason why I know is because I know the addiction of porn. It took God and him alone to break me free from that #######. It is a virus that kills so many relationships and destories so many men. Please go and get the book "Every Mans Battle" This will help you understand what he is dealing with and how you can help him get out of this trash. I hate porn so much and also visit the website http://www.xxxchurch.com/ they have people on staff that can help YOU during this time. Also visit this website too, http://www.shelleylubben.com/ she is a former porn star that is fighting to get the industry shut down.

Porn addiction is like anyother addiction but stronger. There is freedom for him and for you. I will be praying for you guys. You have a long battle ahead of both of you, but it is a battle that can be fought and won in Christ Jesus.

Chris

[Peter_Pan 661]

Incest is THE universal taboo, a backbone of all human societies however primitive. This transgression is not only sexual, it is also a very serious social issue.

Ancient Egypt anyone? There is no such thing as a universal taboo, even if our Judeo-Christian morality claims otherwise.

[kytwell 179]

It's strange, whenever we are intimate, I suggest doing new things and he never likes to try anything, he acts like it's not "correct" to do things out of the ordinary; one time I jokingly told him that I'd get a toy for myself and his reaction was like he didn't want me to get it because I'd like it too much and then things won't be the same when we're together.

He seems to have many issues...

[Peter_Pan 661]

Anyway, if for some people it's okay to watch porn, that's fine, but for me, porn has affected my marriage from day 2 and I can only relate it to lies and betrayal.

A knife can kill or heal. Porn didn't affect your marriage, the fact that he lied did. I am guessing he may have a Madonna/####### complex?

[OnMyWayID 1,489]

That says it all and kind of debunks the argument of him clicking on videos without any pretense or knowledge since it doesn't hold weight if the names of the files are "Incest", right? Doesn't matter if it's real or fantasy, it's sick. The interracial doesn't bother me, that's quite the norm in porn now. But video files with the name "incest"? Sorry, no defense, and pile that on the abuse and the lies, and you have the makings of a certifiable sicko. She said she found "videos" meaning the chance of him "accidently" clicking on one is nil since there are more than one. I'm always hesistant to tell people what to do in their relationship because you never know both sides of the story, but going by what you've told us so far I think that leaving this clown is the best option. Just my opinion.

Matt

Thats EXACTLY what I said, he clicked, she looked at filenames.. How does her confirming EXACTLY what I said debunk what I said?? Nothing I've read here convinces me he is anything more that a perv that did not tell his wife he was into porn and is hiding it from her. If she can't come to grips with that then you are right she should leave.

Also if a person feels the need to spy (look though the internet cache) as far as the relationship is concerned it does not matter if you find porn or pictures of puppies... Trust is out the window.

[Operator 1,927]

Thats EXACTLY what I said, he clicked, she looked at filenames.. How does her confirming EXACTLY what I said debunk what I said?? Nothing I've read here convinces me he is anything more that a perv that did not tell his wife he was into porn and is hiding it from her. If she can't come to grips with that then you are right she should leave.

Also if a person feels the need to spy (look though the internet cache) as far as the relationship is concerned it does not matter if you find porn or pictures of puppies... Trust is out the window.

I couldn't agree more. As I said before if you think your husband is an addict help him deal with it. If you think he is a pervert leave him. Sneaking around checking his browser history and dragging him through the court of VJ opinion isn't gonna help your relationship.

[Matt1968 13]

Thats EXACTLY what I said, he clicked, she looked at filenames.. How does her confirming EXACTLY what I said debunk what I said?? Nothing I've read here convinces me he is anything more that a perv that did not tell his wife he was into porn and is hiding it from her. If she can't come to grips with that then you are right she should leave.

Also if a person feels the need to spy (look though the internet cache) as far as the relationship is concerned it does not matter if you find porn or pictures of puppies... Trust is out the window.

The gist of what you said in your post was he was just clicking on files and saw a hot woman and clicked on it, without any knowledge of what it was. I'm telling you he did know what he was clicking on, and not only knew what it was but labeled the file "incest." She also said there were a couple of these files, so it wasn't an accident. You implied he didn't know what he was clicking on and i'm saying he did know. If that's not what you're saying then let me know. The normal perv doesn't watch incest videos, which she says she found. If she said she found porna videos, ok a huge population of men watch those. But how many people can say the enjoy watching porn about incest????

As far as the spying, yes I agree. If you feel the need to spy then there isn't any trust and without trust there is no relationship.

Matt

Edited January 4, 2012 by Matt1968

[Laure&Colin 558]

Ancient Egypt anyone? There is no such thing as a universal taboo, even if our Judeo-Christian morality claims otherwise.

Incestuous marriages in ancient egypt were limited to the royal family, whose members were not considered regular humans but of godly descent. Plus it was only brother-sister unions, not involving parent-child relationships.

All societies do prohibit incest one way or another, although their definitions of incest vary greatly. Read the work of Claude Lévi-Strauss on this subject. This has nothing to do with "judeo-christian" culture.

[giving_up 3]

well, I haven't said that I've been checking the computer. When I first came here he used to have aol and I just clicked on the browser to find yahoomail.com because I thought that was in his history since we used to email each other all the time and all the previously viewed sites were from an asianbabes whatever.com site, that's the only site I could find because he had seen a lot of webcams of women! so of course I wanted to know if there was something else and thats when I checked his temp files and saw the other stuff, it's very easy to judge when you're not in the situation. I had been BSd by him before i came to this country telling me he didn't like those things so I was shocked to stumble into them, and I say "stumble" because I wasn't looking for anything when I first saw the pc's history.

After he had told me he'd never do things like this anymore, I stopped checking the computer, I didn't feel the need to do that and I'm sorry if I "dragged him through the court of VJ opinion" like someone said but all I wanted was to find some opinions and advice because I didn't know what to do and it's so embarrassing for me to talk with anybody I know about this matter. Thank you all for your replies, they have been very helpful and I appreciate you guys talking the time to give me your opinion.

[Aileen and Steve 4]

I can't believe how most of you are making this problem to be trivial! There are some real issues here that need to be resolved by professional help. I believe most guys watch porn or go to strip clubs as a form of light or "fun" entertainment. A porn addict will try to hide his addiction just like a drug addict or an alcoholic tries to hide their addiction. The longer it goes on, the more it takes to achieve the same resultant pleasure.

Hello, I moved to this country almost 5 yrs ago, two days after I got here I found porn stuff on the computer, I found out that my husband had been watching (and paying) for webcam sex on some asian site just the night before he went to my home country to marry me. He had an interracial sex group on yahoo and I even found stuff about incest. I was so disgusted since I'm a conservative person, he even used to tell everybody how proud he was of me being a religious person. Anyway, that time, of course he denied it was him the one who did all that, and then after a few weeks he came clean and accepted it and promised me that he wouldn't be doing stuff like that anymore, that this was part of this past and blah blah. Besides this, I had been mentally and emotionally abused by him until last year when he really changed and became a great man and we had been very very happy, even trying to conceive a 2nd baby.

This guy has a porn addiction. He requires this type of stimulus to satisfy himself. Watching the "incest porn" probably came later on in his addiction because he is needing more stimulus to satisfy. He has an unhealthy interest in interracial relationships. He was probably using the group he created to feed his sexual fantasy.

Don't let his wanting to have a baby as a sign of things going good fool you. It's a form of control he is trying to exert over you. He is wanting to falsely make you happy to take your attention away from his porn addiction.

There is no valid reason to remain with someone who emotionally and mentally abuses the other. I've been in a relationship with someone who's ex had physically and emotionally abused her. I've seen the long term effect of abuse. If he is unwilling to seek professional help AND stay in therapy until his abusive behavior is solved then LEAVE. You should already be searching for an escape route should this situation become worse. Find a support group that has a "safe house" you can escape to if need be.

On December 19th, I went to my home country to check on my mom and niece who have been having heart problems, my husband told me not to count on him going, that he would be okay here, and so, I was there for 10 days; just the day I got there they hospitalized my niece due to tachiarhythmia and she's still not well, my husband seemed supportive every time we spoke on the phone. Then, on december 31st, after I came back, I was cleaning the apartment while he was at work and found a receipt to a dvd from a place called "pleasure emporium". My heart stopped. We had just been talking on the phone and we were excited talking about our plans for the new year but then after finding that receipt I didn't know what to do, I tried not to say anything but then when he came home at 11:40pm and I heard him unlocking the door, I simply broke down. I felt disappointed to know he had driven to a place like that and had been looking around like he used to do when he was single. I thought we were done with this type of issue 4 yrs ago.

This just proves he is addicted and has no intentions of quiting.

When he saw me crying he asked me what happened and I told him, he simply scoffed, turned his back and went to take a shower, then he went to lay down on the sofa like nothing happened and this upset me even more. Today we had a heavy argument on the phone because he was telling me that instead of accusing him about this I should appreciate the fact that he has two jobs so I can be home. He even said "yeah, life is good!". He asked me if I have seen the DVD around the apartment, he told me that just because I found the receipt that doesn't mean that there is a dvd, isn't that stupid? he told me to look for it to see if I could find it. I told him of course by now he must have thrown it away.

More abusive control from him. He is trying to make it look like you are the one who is doing wrong and he is this great and wonderful guy who is working hard for you. The truth probably is he has to work 2 jobs to support his addiction.

Sorry about this long post but I feel so lonely, I don't have anybody in this country and no one who I can tell this to. I'm so sad that he had to do something like that, I tend to my wife duties in every possible way, he's almost 15 yrs older than me and he's proud of me being his "young wife" but this thing he did really hit me hard, and not only that, but his indifference makes me feel disrespected as well. What to do now?

I'm sorry most of the responses I've read are in support of this guy and his addiction. You need help. He needs help. If he does not get help, his addiction may get worse. His mental/emotional abuse may turn into physical abuse. If you do not get help, you will become an emotional wreck, possibly making fatal decisions.

By getting help you could save your relationship and marriage if that is what you want to do. A good place to start looking for local help is your local church. Most Pastors will have already help others and could help get you started.

I really wish you the best in finding a solution to this problem.

[Peter_Pan 661]

Incestuous marriages in ancient egypt were limited to the royal family, whose members were not considered regular humans but of godly descent. Plus it was only brother-sister unions, not involving parent-child relationships.

All societies do prohibit incest one way or another, although their definitions of incest vary greatly. Read the work of Claude Lévi-Strauss on this subject. This has nothing to do with "judeo-christian" culture.

I did read Levi-Strauss, but it seems we came to different conclusions about what he is saying. The definition of incest varies, so whatever you deem incestuous in a "judeo-christian" culture is perfectly normal in another society. In some cultures, the father is the one that deflowers the daughter before her marriage.

As to the Egyptians, parent-child marriages were being performed, although less commonly, which is irrelevant, since the mere fact they existed - be it only within royalty - contradicts your claim hat incest is an universal taboo.

[Matt1968 13]

well, I haven't said that I've been checking the computer. When I first came here he used to have aol and I just clicked on the browser to find yahoomail.com because I thought that was in his history since we used to email each other all the time and all the previously viewed sites were from an asianbabes whatever.com site, that's the only site I could find because he had seen a lot of webcams of women! so of course I wanted to know if there was something else and thats when I checked his temp files and saw the other stuff, it's very easy to judge when you're not in the situation. I had been BSd by him before i came to this country telling me he didn't like those things so I was shocked to stumble into them, and I say "stumble" because I wasn't looking for anything when I first saw the pc's history.

After he had told me he'd never do things like this anymore, I stopped checking the computer, I didn't feel the need to do that and I'm sorry if I "dragged him through the court of VJ opinion" like someone said but all I wanted was to find some opinions and advice because I didn't know what to do and it's so embarrassing for me to talk with anybody I know about this matter. Thank you all for your replies, they have been very helpful and I appreciate you guys talking the time to give me your opinion.

Hello,

Hope everything is ok, i'm not trying to judge. In fact, I hope everything works out for you. I just hate to see you in this situation with this type of person. I hope you make the right decision for yourself.

Matt

[Peter_Pan 661]

I'm sorry most of the responses I've read are in support of this guy and his addiction. You need help. He needs help. If he does not get help, his addiction may get worse. His mental/emotional abuse may turn into physical abuse. If you do not get help, you will become an emotional wreck, possibly making fatal decisions.

I don't think anyone supports the guy or any form of addiction. The OP seems awfully naive and I feel for her. Seems to me she got played, so it is high time she counted her loses and leave him.

[Aileen and Steve 4]

I don't think anyone supports the guy or any form of addiction. The OP seems awfully naive and I feel for her. Seems to me she got played, so it is high time she counted her loses and leave him.

It appeared a lot of the responses were saying she has nothing to worry about, and what he is doing is normal. In my view that is supporting the guy's behavior. I guess I was expecting the responses to be much different than they were.

I'm not against anyone watching porn if that is what they choose to do. I've seen it, didn't do anything for me. I prefer having the real thing instead of watching someone else.