am i overreacting about this porn thing?

[Matt1968 13]

after I found the web cam site as the last site he had visited before going to my country to marry me, I checked his temporary internet files and that's where I found different video files with the name incest. I never watched anything, so I cannot say if it was real incest or fantasy; there were lots about interracial sex as well(I suppose because we're an interracial couple).

That says it all and kind of debunks the argument of him clicking on videos without any pretense or knowledge since it doesn't hold weight if the names of the files are "Incest", right? Doesn't matter if it's real or fantasy, it's sick. The interracial doesn't bother me, that's quite the norm in porn now. But video files with the name "incest"? Sorry, no defense, and pile that on the abuse and the lies, and you have the makings of a certifiable sicko. She said she found "videos" meaning the chance of him "accidently" clicking on one is nil since there are more than one. I'm always hesistant to tell people what to do in their relationship because you never know both sides of the story, but going by what you've told us so far I think that leaving this clown is the best option. Just my opinion.

Matt

Edited January 4, 2012 by Matt1968

[NY_BX 397]

exactly! I've been thinking, should I walk out before this escalates? this is just too much for me right now...

Listen sweetheart, I have to say only YOU can answer that question. This thread has been extremely interesting and educational. Everyone here has debated and presented their opinions. My answer to your question is this: it ALREADY escalated... a long time ago, when he was a "nasty old man." Infidelity isn't the worst thing that can happen to any of us. Disrespect, abuse and violence is. Infidelity only proves your partner has deceived you, so you can simply terminate the relationship. Tolerating disrespect and abuse is deceiving ourselves, not to mention, it could escalate to physical abuse.... and you can lose your life. Now, that said, answer these questions: are you willing to believe another lie from him? Is this the role model you want for your children? Do you see yourself in this situation 5 years from now?

[NY_BX 397]

after I found the web cam site as the last site he had visited before going to my country to marry me, I checked his temporary internet files and that's where I found different video files with the name incest. I never watched anything, so I cannot say if it was real incest or fantasy; there were lots about interracial sex as well(I suppose because we're an interracial couple).

Disturbing and disgusting. Now, as for the interracial- I hate to tell you, you're not the source of inspiration for his porn preferences. He just happen to be attracted to diversity.

[NY_BX 397]

That says it all. Doesn't matter if it's real or fantasy, it's sick. The interracial doesn't bother me, that's quite the norm in porn now. But video files with the name "incest"? Sorry, no defense, and pile that on the abuse and the lies, and you have the makings of a certifiable sicko. She said she found "videos" meaning the chance of him "accidently" clicking on one is nil since there are more than one. I'm always hesistant to tell people what to do in their relationship because you never know both sides of the story, but going by what you've told us so far I think that leaving this clown is the best option. Just my opinion.

Matt

I wish he was a clown. This man is sicko.....

[Laure&Colin 558]

Actually no, we didn't establish that, the OP did. The man is on Lexapro which is an anti-depressant commonly prescribed as an anti-anxiety medication for recovering addicts. What it does is balances the seratonin levels in the brain. This could've been part of a 12-step rehab program or he simply looked for help.

He wouldn't be prescribed Lexapro if the doctor didn't diagnose a disorder to treat. Taking it for a month couldn't possibly solve anything. He is sick, and I think his compulsion for porn is just part of it. He needs to face his problems and seek medical care.

I'm kind of taken aback by the fact that some of you think incest related material is not so bad and just a fantasy and stuff. Incest is THE universal taboo, a backbone of all human societies however primitive. This transgression is not only sexual, it is also a very serious social issue.

[giving_up 3]

Actually no, we didn't establish that, the OP did. The man is on Lexapro which is an anti-depressant commonly prescribed as an anti-anxiety medication for recovering addicts. What it does is balances the seratonin levels in the brain. This could've been part of a 12-step rehab program or he simply looked for help.

my husband and I have the same primary doctor and sometimes my husband was okay and happy and loving then the next moment he wouldn't talk to me and be upset about simple things so I decided to tell the doctor about this. She spoke with him (without him knowing i spoke with her first) and then she told me that he was a bit depressed, so she prescribed Lexapro. He never took it until one time he was very accessible and I asked him to try and see how the pill worked. He did try but then he had a reaction... whenever we were in bed he couldn't.. finish. Sometimes it would take almost 2 hours (no kidding), so that's why he decided to stop taking it. I insisted he could continue being on it since I had noticed things were significantly better in our relationship but he simply gave up. I didn't mind too much because his behavior had changed for the better and well, things were less tense in the bedroom because he wasn't stressed about trying to finish.

[NY_BX 397]

He wouldn't be prescribed Lexapro if the doctor didn't diagnose a disorder to treat. Taking it for a month couldn't possibly solve anything. He is sick, and I think his compulsion for porn is just part of it. He needs to face his problems and seek medical care.

I'm kind of taken aback by the fact that some of you think incest related material is not so bad and just a fantasy and stuff. Incest is THE universal taboo, a backbone of all human societies however primitive. This transgression is not only sexual, it is also a very serious social issue.

Absolutely agree with you. This man has serious problems. And yes, I too can't wrap my head around the incest debate here.

[Robert&Karen 264]

First off, guys look at porn (spelled pr0n online to avoid filters). I think you are overreacting a bit but he is doing little to help the matter. Even if you are indeed way conservative, he knows that from the start and should be considerate. I think a bigger issue here is the fact that he is lying to you and trying to make your feelings seem unimportant. Years ago Dr Ruth Westheimer would be on thw radio helping people with their sex lives. When a woman complained that her husband sneaked peeks at pictures of women in certain outfits, the good Doctor told the wife to go out and dress in those outfits now that she knows what he likes. There is something to be said about that. Communication is the key I believe. If he can share with you his thoughts you can have a better understanding of where he is and how he feels. Don't judge though, there is no right and wrong when it comes to personal feelings.

Stay in touch and let us know how it goes.

[NY_BX 397]

my husband and I have the same primary doctor and sometimes my husband was okay and happy and loving then the next moment he wouldn't talk to me and be upset about simple things so I decided to tell the doctor about this. She spoke with him (without him knowing i spoke with her first) and then she told me that he was a bit depressed, so she prescribed Lexapro. He never took it until one time he was very accessible and I asked him to try and see how the pill worked. He did try but then he had a reaction... whenever we were in bed he couldn't.. finish. Sometimes it would take almost 2 hours (no kidding), so that's why he decided to stop taking it. I insisted he could continue being on it since I had noticed things were significantly better in our relationship but he simply gave up. I didn't mind too much because his behavior had changed for the better and well, things were less tense in the bedroom because he wasn't stressed about trying to finish.

Delayed ejaculation is a common side effect of anti-depressants. So, he went and got the medication, but never took it until you pushed the issue. And that was as a result of your private consultation with your therapist in regards to his mood swings. There are a lot of things going on in your relationship that are far worse than finding a porn movie receipt.

[Matt1968 13]

He wouldn't be prescribed Lexapro if the doctor didn't diagnose a disorder to treat. Taking it for a month couldn't possibly solve anything. He is sick, and I think his compulsion for porn is just part of it. He needs to face his problems and seek medical care.

I'm kind of taken aback by the fact that some of you think incest related material is not so bad and just a fantasy and stuff. Incest is THE universal taboo, a backbone of all human societies however primitive. This transgression is not only sexual, it is also a very serious social issue.

Bingo. I've been saying that all along. There's no defense, none. I can't believe people tried to rationlize it. It wasn't an accident, it's not a fantasy, it's a sickness. You're absolutely right it is the unversal taboo and has no place in society or porn for that matter. Once again, we know that they're actors but it's a twisted subject matter and should never be broached.

Matt

[giving_up 3]

I read someone asked how we met, we met in a chatroom and became friends and would chat and talk on the phone everyday for over one year till we decided to meet in person. By the time we met we had become an internet couple and every time we met in person we'd always talk about everything. One time the conversation took us to the porn thing and he told me he hadn't seen porn since he was in his 20's, that he thought he didn't need things like that. I saw honesty in his face when he said that, he also had told me that he had never met anyone from online in person, we talked about everything! then, 5 months after that, he showed up in my country with a ring asking my parents for my hand in marriage and then just 2 days after I came to this country I started to find stuff in his apartment, I even found the ticket purchase of a woman that he met online and that had come to stay with him in his apartment for 4 days! according to the date this was before we met. He had slept with her on the same bed I was sleeping in! All these things made me feel horrible as I realized that he had lied about a lot of things. When I confronted him about the porn he blamed it on his friends and he was mad at me for a couple of weeks for not trusting him (can you believe that?) until he came clean and told me it won't happen again. I told him I didn't trust him anymore and that he had to work hard for me to trust him again and he said he would try. It was like getting to know him all over again.

After this, we have now moved to a new place and I had never seen anything porn related in the apartment, so I thought we were done with this issue, of course he used to have his ups and downs like he was bipolar or something but most of the time he was okay, he was kind and sweet but sometimes it was like I had to be walking on eggshells because anything small would trigger him being upset. This behavior continued until we had a big fight in march 2010 and after that we decided to really make things work for ourselves and our baby. Things had been perfect, I really saw change in him. We had been having lots of sex before I left to see my family and most conversations we had on the phone while I was there were about our future and making a 2nd baby. Things had never been better. When I came home he had bought flowers and a balloon and had a present for me -he always has nice details for birthdays and special occasions- but then, the next day everything turned upside down with this receipt I found; at midnight of the 31st I was crying because suddenly I started to feel the same way I felt when I first came here and I felt betrayed again and all those feelings I had kept in a bolt resurfaced.

It's strange, whenever we are intimate, I suggest doing new things and he never likes to try anything, he acts like it's not "correct" to do things out of the ordinary; one time I jokingly told him that I'd get a toy for myself and his reaction was like he didn't want me to get it because I'd like it too much and then things won't be the same when we're together.

Anyway, if for some people it's okay to watch porn, that's fine, but for me, porn has affected my marriage from day 2 and I can only relate it to lies and betrayal.

[Laure&Colin 558]

Absolutely agree with you. This man has serious problems. And yes, I too can't wrap my head around the incest debate here.

Well, the problem this man has is called perversion, period. (I'm not talking about interracial sex of course, nothing wrong with that, the incest part is what brings up the big warning signs)

I'm not a prude (really not), not religious, and I'm as far as can be from being conservative, but from what the OP says, it seems pretty clear.

Most anti-depressants affect sexual life, but if the one he tried was causing too much trouble in your relationship, he should talk to his doctor and try another one.

To me you only have 2 options: the first one is leave ; the second one is make him get help and support him through a very difficult rehab, which result is uncertain. If you choose to close your eyes, I bet there will be terrible outbursts in the future.

[Robert&Karen 264]

If a porn site has incest videos....well in any country they are toast. You will see videos with names about incest, mom and son, dad and daughter, heck there was a whole series of TABOO specific to this niche fantasy. As well you will find ones about how I ****ed my drunk sister, etc. I betcha they are fake, it's just a title. Not that they have plots anyway. :-)

Ages ago I had work finding folks in the military who were into child porn. I thought they's be into 16 or 17 year old girls. Well try 7 year old girls and 7 MONTH old boys. Some of the images were absolutely horrifying. I only did that gig for a few months and moved on, and when the bust went down one of the guys even killed himself. Yes there are some very warped people out there, my skin crawls thinking about it.

But once again this comes back to communication.

[Matt1968 13]

First off, guys look at porn (spelled pr0n online to avoid filters). I think you are overreacting a bit but he is doing little to help the matter. Even if you are indeed way conservative, he knows that from the start and should be considerate. I think a bigger issue here is the fact that he is lying to you and trying to make your feelings seem unimportant. Years ago Dr Ruth Westheimer would be on thw radio helping people with their sex lives. When a woman complained that her husband sneaked peeks at pictures of women in certain outfits, the good Doctor told the wife to go out and dress in those outfits now that she knows what he likes. There is something to be said about that. Communication is the key I believe. If he can share with you his thoughts you can have a better understanding of where he is and how he feels. Don't judge though, there is no right and wrong when it comes to personal feelings.

Stay in touch and let us know how it goes.

Don't think you understand the totality of the subject. Her husband has files with videos of "Incest". So I would say yeah, he's not helping things by watching them. Lying is definately a big issue but if he lied about watching a porno, ok I could understand maybe he was embarrassed about getting caught. Many men watch porn behind their womens' back and are embarrassed about getting caught. But he's not just watching porn, he's watching porn about incest. Big difference.

Matt

[Laure&Colin 558]

I read someone asked how we met, we met in a chatroom and became friends and would chat and talk on the phone everyday for over one year till we decided to meet in person. By the time we met we had become an internet couple and every time we met in person we'd always talk about everything. One time the conversation took us to the porn thing and he told me he hadn't seen porn since he was in his 20's, that he thought he didn't need things like that. I saw honesty in his face when he said that, he also had told me that he had never met anyone from online in person, we talked about everything! then, 5 months after that, he showed up in my country with a ring asking my parents for my hand in marriage and then just 2 days after I came to this country I started to find stuff in his apartment, I even found the ticket purchase of a woman that he met online and that had come to stay with him in his apartment for 4 days! according to the date this was before we met. He had slept with her on the same bed I was sleeping in! All these things made me feel horrible as I realized that he had lied about a lot of things. When I confronted him about the porn he blamed it on his friends and he was mad at me for a couple of weeks for not trusting him (can you believe that?) until he came clean and told me it won't happen again. I told him I didn't trust him anymore and that he had to work hard for me to trust him again and he said he would try. It was like getting to know him all over again.

After this, we have now moved to a new place and I had never seen anything porn related in the apartment, so I thought we were done with this issue, of course he used to have his ups and downs like he was bipolar or something but most of the time he was okay, he was kind and sweet but sometimes it was like I had to be walking on eggshells because anything small would trigger him being upset. This behavior continued until we had a big fight in march 2010 and after that we decided to really make things work for ourselves and our baby. Things had been perfect, I really saw change in him. We had been having lots of sex before I left to see my family and most conversations we had on the phone while I was there were about our future and making a 2nd baby. Things had never been better. When I came home he had bought flowers and a balloon and had a present for me -he always has nice details for birthdays and special occasions- but then, the next day everything turned upside down with this receipt I found; at midnight of the 31st I was crying because suddenly I started to feel the same way I felt when I first came here and I felt betrayed again and all those feelings I had kept in a bolt resurfaced.

It's strange, whenever we are intimate, I suggest doing new things and he never likes to try anything, he acts like it's not "correct" to do things out of the ordinary; one time I jokingly told him that I'd get a toy for myself and his reaction was like he didn't want me to get it because I'd like it too much and then things won't be the same when we're together.

Anyway, if for some people it's okay to watch porn, that's fine, but for me, porn has affected my marriage from day 2 and I can only relate it to lies and betrayal.

Well, he seems to be not only lying to you, but trying to conceal who he really is.