am i overreacting about this porn thing?

[Girl from Celebes 588]

Links?????

This funny.

[giving_up 3]

So you were ok as long as you could pretend it wasn't happening?

I guess it hurts more knowing he went out to that place to get something more "explicit" than just watch whatever they give on cinemax or showtime. Thinking about him going through the movies or looking at any other kind of stuff there or even looking at people there makes me feel terrible. This whole thing had meaning in our relationship, you're not supposed to do things that you know would hurt your spouse.

[Girl from Celebes 588]

There's a difference between HAS looked at porn and IS looking at porn.

I know for 10000% sure that Tony doesn't look at porn. He doesn't go to strip clubs (and wouldn't). I know he DID while he was single. I know he DID while he was in the military. If I found out that even after our discussion on it and our views on the subject that he was watching porn it would rightly p*ss me off.

I don't consider porn healthy for our relationship, neither does my husband. Whether other people do or not is their business. The OP has voiced to her husband her opinion of it and he's dismissing it. Some people are okay with open relationships but if BOTH people aren't it's cheating.

I could not have said it better myself. +1

[giving_up 3]

This funny.

oh, how come i skipped this one? lol seriously?

[NY_BX 397]

So you were ok as long as you could pretend it wasn't happening?

EXACTLY! I am somewhat disturbed by this lady's answers. She wouldn't block the porn? Why not!? If they came to an understanding he wouldn't care, right? And, why have easy access to porn if children are around? The incest sex, not only is disturbing, it could also be a crime if the "actors" are minors. I can't wrap my head around being pissed at porn and ok with the incest. Furthermore, she admits her spouse is part of an interracial sex group. The fact that is interracial is beyond the point, I mean, who cares about the race of the person you're f***ng? The fact that he was a member of this group means there's a strong possibility he's active in sex circuits: swing parties, sex parties, etc. Sexuality is more complicated than a "partnership duty." Like drugs, food, alcohol and shopping, it is a dangerous addiction. Different from the other addictions mentioned, sex and smoking are viral addictions; in other words, it is contagious. Smoking can kill non-smokers. There's nothing worse, in my opinion, than to give birth to an HIV positive baby. For all these reasons, this is a serious matter. And no, is not the porn movie. I watch porn. My fiancee knows it. He laughs at it, so we're not "cyber-cheating." We'd never do anything that'd hurt the other.

Edited January 4, 2012 by NY_BX

[Girl from Celebes 588]

oh, how come i skipped this one? lol seriously?

I guess Boiler wants to make you smile, OP.

[giving_up 3]

I guess Boiler wants to make you smile, OP.

[giving_up 3]

EXACTLY! I am somewhat disturbed by this lady's answers. She wouldn't block the porn? Why not!? If they came to an understanding he wouldn't care, right? And, why have easy access to porn if children are around? The incest sex, not only is disturbing, it could also be a crime if the "actors" are minors. I can't wrap my head around being pissed at porn and ok with the incest. Furthermore, she admits her spouse is part of an interracial sex group. The fact that is interracial is beyond the point, I mean, who cares about the race of the person you're f***ng? The fact that he was a member of this group means there's a strong possibility he's active in sex circuits: swing parties, sex parties, etc. Sexuality is more complicated than a "partnership duty." Like drugs, food, alcohol and shopping, it is a dangerous addiction. Different from the other addictions mentioned, sex and smoking are viral addictions; in other words, it is contagious. Smoking can kill non-smokers. There's nothing worse, in my opinion, than to give birth to an HIV positive baby. For all these reasons, this is a serious matter. And no, is not the porn movie. I watch porn. My fiancee knows it. He laughs at it, so we're not "cyber-cheating." We'd never do anything that'd hurt the other.

Yeah, I guess I messed up, I should have blocked cinemax and showtime. and yes, I found that group when I came to this country too and he denied he created it and then after a few days he was so embarrassed that he asked me to help him delete it, and I did. Like I said, this happened 4 yrs ago and I never thought things would go upside down just by me not being here for 10 days. Some people are desperate. All of a sudden he became that nasty old man to me again.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

I guess it hurts more knowing he went out to that place to get something more "explicit" than just watch whatever they give on cinemax or showtime. Thinking about him going through the movies or looking at any other kind of stuff there or even looking at people there makes me feel terrible. This whole thing had meaning in our relationship, you're not supposed to do things that you know would hurt your spouse.

I agree.

You stated in your OP that you were "mentally and emotionally abused by him until last year when he really changed and became a great man and we had been very very happy, even trying to conceive a 2nd baby". That's pretty bad. You've been together for 5 years, of which ONE year has been good. You accepted the abuse by remaining there for so long. I do understand this because I've been there and I know how hard it is to leave that, even though you KNOW you should. I understand being trapped.

The thing is, all couple argue in some form. Some yell and rant and rave, some do the silent treatment, some just "agree to disagree"... but the important part of it is whether at the end of the day there is love and respect for each other. It doesn't sound like he will ever give it all up, it doesn't sound like he thinks it's a problem, and he doesn't appear to care what you think about it. I would suggest talking to him about it but yes it does appear he's just been doing it behind your back.

My ex HATED World of Warcraft. Not because he'd ever played or because he didn't want to. He WANTED to play but he has an addictive personality so I, as a grown adult, was "forbidden" to play it because it would tempt him. He was emotionally abusive. My sister and her husband played so I started playing "in secret" to escape it all... even with him in the room, he only needed me when he wanted something cooked, cleaned or fetched so he never noticed. I'd been playing for months before he caught me (my own stupidity really). The reason I'm telling you this story is because during the months I was playing I was much happier and even nicer to him. Getting what he wanted when he wanted instead of letting it tick me off so he wouldn't suspect anything. I suspect the reason your husband has been behaving so well is he's doing something he enjoys and you just don't know about it. I honestly believe he has been watching stuff behind your back for a while with the philosophy "out of sight, out of mind" being his excuse.

Now it becomes your choice. You know that he still watches porn. You know he enjoys it enough to go for a long drive to get new material to watch. You know he didn't tell you about it and that he doesn't care how you feel about it. If you want to continue to be with him you have a couple of choices... 1. he either needs to get help (which he didn't the first time so I doubt he will now). 2. You need to overlook it or come to some sort of agreement with how much he can watch (which I doubt he'll follow but you'll always wonder if he is) OR 3. you need to consider leaving him. Some people will consider this foolish, to leave someone over porn, but it's not about the porn so much as his complete lack of respect for you and complete lack of interest in how you feel about a topic.

[NY_BX 397]

Yeah, I guess I messed up, I should have blocked cinemax and showtime. and yes, I found that group when I came to this country too and he denied he created it and then after a few days he was so embarrassed that he asked me to help him delete it, and I did. Like I said, this happened 4 yrs ago and I never thought things would go upside down just by me not being here for 10 days. Some people are desperate. All of a sudden he became that nasty old man to me again.

Uh, I'm sorry but, things didn't go upside down in the 10 days you were not there. He NEVER stopped the behavior. I think everyone here one way or another has told you that. You are settling for a whole lot less than you KNOW you deserve. I can assure you, if you take the computer to a specialist, there will be traces of porn and disturbing behavior throughout all this time.

It's your life. Take responsibility for it. I truly do understand what it is to be an isolated human in a foreign land. I also know it is up to me to make the right choices, which include, what's acceptable or not in a partner.

Edited January 4, 2012 by NY_BX

[Glyn and Kathy 288]

Porn in a relationship is ok....IF it's something both partners are comfortable with. Hubby and I are not. Neither of us watch and its an understanding we have...its just not for us. BUT, we also know that some people watch it together...and I don't think there is anything wrong with that. You and your husband had an agreement...and he lied...I would be really ticked off. A marriage is a partnership where you take your partners feelings into consideration when you do things. He obviously didn't and is now acting the way he is because he was caught.

I would also think he has continued this action and has been hiding it all along.What else has he lied about? I think you need to sit and have a REALLY LONG discussion about things.

Good luck!!

[Crashed~N2~Me 970]

But porn in itself is nothing, it's healthy. Period.

Eat right. Don't smoke. Excercise. A healthy life begins with healthy choices. Have YOU.. had your PORN today?

Porn is "healthy"....sheesh...

[Crashed~N2~Me 970]

Now, renting a DVD seems a bit like addiction, especially with so many free online porn.

Free Porn =

Rented Porn = Addiction

A pornster with standards.

Edited January 4, 2012 by Crashed~N2~Me

[GnBnL 50]

Porn is not a big deal in general, as long as the type is legal...I could even look past the chat rooms since being apart for as long as us VisaJourney couples are can be ever so lonely, and at least he was at home not out looking for actual sex. However, regardless of the reason, the point is, you trusted him, and he let you down. Every time we break trust, it is sooo hard to come back from it. My spouse has referred to me having the "easy life" too...well there's nothing easy about being alone in one place every day with no one to talk to, and nothing to do but clean up because "its the least you can do" while you're not earning anything and while your spouse is. But then you have to consider that you both agreed on this arrangement, and that if its not working, there's a better way to deal with it than laying guilt trips! I'm sorry this upset you so much. It's so disappointing to feel like you've come far and then have to go all the way back again. Def sounds like he's unhappy about SOMETHING hence the deceitful behavior and unwillingness to take responsibility with hints of resentment, and hopefully you can get to the bottom of it. I wish you the best of luck in sorting it all and finding out how you feel about this. Through the ups and downs, always remember to be kind to yourself.

Free Porn =

Rented Porn = Addiction

A pornster with standards.

Some people are just not tech savvy! lol!

[giving_up 3]

maybe I should go to that "pleasure emporium" store where he went and find a little treat for myself Nah, it's been difficult for me because I've always been like, naive and I don't know how to deal with certain situations because I'm just not used to this kind of stuff and it frustrates me so much that I came to this country to be with him, to have a family and just try to be happy together but now, after 5 yrs, I still have no friends, I have no one to go to if I have a problem, so, I have always tried to make this relationship work. He's always had his good and bad days, he went to counseling with me a couple of times and he tried to be on Lexapro for 1 month and I guess it worked because it had been since then that he had been great all the time with me but i just don't know what the hell happened to him this time. I had great hopes for us. I had never been this cold with him, but I gotta confess it feels good to stand up for myself.