am i overreacting about this porn thing?

[Boiler 46,141]

Assuming we are talking about paid Councillor's, then of course they are going to agree with you, you pay them.

They need you to keep coming back.

[Laure&Colin 558]

I brought up the incest thing yesterday and he said it wasn't him the one who saw them, that it was a friend of his who now is a doctor (imagine that!). But anyway, when I first came here I found condoms, an empty bottle of viagra and the yahoo sex groups and he also claimed it was that guy who was responsible for everything. Then after being mad for two weeks he confessed it was him but now, almost 5 yrs later he denies everything all over again.

It looks like he's got an imaginary friend...

I don't know what to say, except try to find a good therapist. A professional counselor will NEVER side with one member of the couple. They will try to help each person understanding the other one better. If they feel like it is necessary, they might suggest a therapy to one or the other to work on a specific problem. Which I think your husband desperately needs.

Stay strong and do what you think is best for you.

[alexzy75 1]

counselling for them both as a couple and counselling for him regarding his addiction i totally agree with.

im pretty sure there is a big difference between incest and child rape.

Euh...yes, and no not really...I have never heard about about a child being consent to have sex with one of their parents..so, i would say, in my book that an incest is by def. a child rape.A child rape is not necessarly an incest, though.

Second, i think tha op thinks about incest because guys that lurk those are messed up so they( porn movie makers, or whatever..) invent title that are going to match what they want:

daddy screwed my best friend'

everything is 'young hot teens'...I know it too much, unfortunatly...just like her. But there are no incest. AS the experience showed us, some girls are underaged. which is illegal

Porn being healthy or not form guys libido, i think it is not the real stake for Porn is really a ugly industry that is involved in crime and drugs, and uderaged exploitation..I wish it would be illegal, for it is really unethcial, and deprived of common sense of values and morals.

Guys have to know how to master and control their basic instincts to make the best of it, and not the worst!!!

^{TO the op: go to :opendns.com}

and set it with yoru server, and then you will have a full report of the internet activity. So you can track down any internet pron site. I mean, you will know the truth, you can set up filters for free too.

unfortunatly, they with no features with time visibility though...

Edited January 6, 2012 by alexzy75

[alexzy75 1]

Giving up:

Go to

opendns.com

and see if you can do something, or if it interests you

[Robert&Karen 264]

I told Karen this story. Her first response was "Do not look at the computer if you are worried about what you may find." I have photos on my computer for the last ten years and while I purged the ones of former lives, I cannot guarantee 100% that every image is gone. If there is just one, she does not want to see it. While this is a far cry from incest porn, the point is that once you start digging around there is no telling what you are going to find.

[alexzy75 1]

I told Karen this story. Her first response was "Do not look at the computer if you are worried about what you may find." I have photos on my computer for the last ten years and while I purged the ones of former lives, I cannot guarantee 100% that every image is gone. If there is just one, she does not want to see it. While this is a far cry from incest porn, the point is that once you start digging around there is no telling what you are going to find.

I would say the opposite:

look if you are worried, i am one of those who prefer to take off the veil..so that you are not fooled and you are int he truth of facts...and some others prefer to ignore, to remain blind to avoid problem.

as for you personally, robert, you put your actions together to do the best. if some are left and you are not really aware i am sure you wouldnt mind deleting them if she pointed them out nicely...

I wish that all guys were like you, a lot of women and mothers wouldnt be in pain...

[TiklingGuy 211]

I told Karen this story. Her first response was "Do not look at the computer if you are worried about what you may find." I have photos on my computer for the last ten years and while I purged the ones of former lives, I cannot guarantee 100% that every image is gone. If there is just one, she does not want to see it. While this is a far cry from incest porn, the point is that once you start digging around there is no telling what you are going to find.

Thats hard to do once you learn that your spouse has been doing things on the computer that you are not happy about. The OP wants her husband free from his porn addiction. Deleting photos and videos doesn't mean you are free. If the OP doesn't look at the computer out of fear, then she would be turning her back on her husbands affairs and living in denial about them.

[alexzy75 1]

We shouldnt be victims of porn problem;

here what i just found:

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Make-Pornography-illegal/189585907741575?sk=wall

Drugs are illegal, prostitution is illegal, pron should fall in the same category> It is an ugly industry that doesnt create any positive externalities, but negative ones.

[Robert&Karen 264]

I would say the opposite:

look if you are worried, i am one of those who prefer to take off the veil..so that you are not fooled and you are int he truth of facts...and some others prefer to ignore, to remain blind to avoid problem.

as for you personally, robert, you put your actions together to do the best. if some are left and you are not really aware i am sure you wouldnt mind deleting them if she pointed them out nicely...

I wish that all guys were like you, a lot of women and mothers wouldnt be in pain...

Karen was cleaning out a storage room and found a mailing tube. In it were posters I had never seen, then she found a note in it to me from my ex. I had no idea! What am I guilty of? Once she understood I was not keeping it as a remembrance things were fine.

[giving_up 3]

I just remembered something, when I first came here I asked my husband if I could empty a bedside table to put my things, I don't know why he hadn't done so. Anyway, there I found pictures of women and greeting cards they had sent him like, I guess he had met them all online and they had developed some kind of online relationship as well. That's where I found the ticket purchase of that woman who he met online to stay with him. The counselor told him that he was supposed to clean everything before I got here, that that was his mistake. I really wish he had thrown everything away and that we had moved to another place as I kept finding stuff, and it's not like I had been looking for things, most of the time they were just there! One time he was looking for a book and when he pulled it, a pair of earring fell on the floor, he picked it up, gave it to me and said "why do you leave your earrings there?", I put them back in his hands and said "they're not mine". His face was priceless.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

I suggested counseling almost two yrs ago and he only went a couple of times because he said he didn't need it, he said that if I had a problem then that it was me the one who needed counseling. The last time he went, the counselor was supporting my husband's position about something and then when we got home he kept telling me how wrong I was and that even the counselor knew I was wrong... but I knew I was right. The following time I went alone and the counselor told me that after we left she was there thinking and realized I was the one who was right, not him. She messed up things even more and then I stopped going, she even laughed at me going there alone because she said I believe my husband loves me when he clearly doesn't because he wasn't there :/

I brought up the incest thing yesterday and he said it wasn't him the one who saw them, that it was a friend of his who now is a doctor (imagine that!). But anyway, when I first came here I found condoms, an empty bottle of viagra and the yahoo sex groups and he also claimed it was that guy who was responsible for everything. Then after being mad for two weeks he confessed it was him but now, almost 5 yrs later he denies everything all over again.

I'm tired of giving him chances which he takes for granted, I'm acting hurt because I am hurt and I cannot see a solution to this mess right now. He apologized and that was all, he didn't say let's work things out, let's go to counselling, but anyway, I gotta try and suggest it again. We'll see what happens.

That counsellor is horrible. There are much better counsellors out there. I too have seen a really bad counsellor and it was only after I started seeing a better one that I realised just how bad the first one was. So please don't give up. You don't need someone to kiss your a** but you do need one to help you talk things out. To ask you questions you're afraid to ask yourself. To make you feel stronger in your own decisions, not telling you they're right or wrong because what's right for you might be wrong for someone else. They just help you feel calmer and more in control.

In regards to blaming that friend... Tony and I have this couple as friends, I'll call them Jane and John for privacy reasons. Tony was in the military with John, and Jane was John's baby mama/live in GF. Jane and I got close and she was telling me about issues with John. Stuff like after dating for 2 months she found out he was emailing sex vids back and forth with an ex but she let it slide. That she found out that christmas morning a year or so later he'd been sexting that same girl. He has an EXTREMELY large porn collection as well as vids and photos from exes. Jane and I were spending the afternoon together and she was telling me how upset she was about it until John started explaining that EVERY guy had a porn collection and that even my Tony does. I told Jane that Tony didn't have a collection at all but she refused to listen. When I got home I told Tony what John had said and Tony explained that John had a long standing porn/sex addiction and that he wasn't surprised that John tried to make it seem like "everyone did it" and that Jane was an idiot for believing him.

Moral of that story is people will often try and deflect blame somewhere else. You have evidence from the beginning where he claimed it was someone else and eventually admitted it was really him and now he's blaming someone else again.

It doesn't seem like he admits he has a problem. He's just sorry that this upsets you. Here's the biggest problem I see... as you've seen on this thread, some people don't think watching porn is an issue. Some people don't like smoking, some do. Some don't like drinking, some do. Some people love to play online games, some don't. The fact is porn isn't illegal so it's not like you can tell him it's wrong. It's wrong for YOU, but it's right for him. Think of something you like to do, lets say eat chocolate (something totally innocuous). If he was to tell you that you weren't allowed to eat chocolate any more, would you stop? Would you try and explain to him how he's wrong? Would you sneak chocolate occasionally? That's the problem, it sounds totally irrational. He thinks your reaction to the porn is irrational. He's not going to stop doing it, not fully, because he doesn't believe there IS a problem. You need to decide whether this is something that's a deal-breaker for you.

People are going to tell you you're wrong for throwing away a relationship for something THEY feel isn't a problem, and some will tell you you're foolish for staying with someone who doesn't care about your opinions. You don't owe anyone anything, EXCEPT your daughter. You owe it to her to really think about this and not make a rash decision. I also think this isn't really about the porn itself, it's about the lying. The lots and lots of lying. The deal breaker for me isn't the porn, is the fact you say you were abused for the majority of your relationship. I would reserve your decision until after your USC interview. You need to focus on studying that. You need to stop thinking about this every day and instead see how your relationship is without you complaining about this. To see with open eyes just how it REALLY is and if you can "get over it". I also suggest you go on birth control so you don't have another child with him. Again, I'm so sorry

Edited January 6, 2012 by Vanessa&Tony

[Laure&Colin 558]

Karen was cleaning out a storage room and found a mailing tube. In it were posters I had never seen, then she found a note in it to me from my ex. I had no idea! What am I guilty of? Once she understood I was not keeping it as a remembrance things were fine.

Sorry but this has really nothing to do with the OP's story. Being jealous of a spouse's past life and sneaking because of that, and discovering the spouse has disgusting videos in his computer are pretty different things.

If in doubt, I'd rather know than close my eyes because I'm afraid of what I'm gonna find.

[alexzy75 1]

It doesn't seem like he admits he has a problem. He's just sorry that this upsets you. Here's the biggest problem I see... as you've seen on this thread, some people don't think watching porn is an issue. Some people don't like smoking, some do. Some don't like drinking, some do. Some people love to play online games, some don't. The fact is porn isn't illegal so it's not like you can tell him it's wrong. It's wrong for YOU, but it's right for him. Think of something you like to do, lets say eat chocolate (something totally innocuous). If he was to tell you that you weren't allowed to eat chocolate any more, would you stop? Would you try and explain to him how he's wrong? Would you sneak chocolate occasionally? That's the problem, it sounds totally irrational. He thinks your reaction to the porn is irrational. He's not going to stop doing it, not fully, because he doesn't believe there IS a problem. You need to decide whether this is something that's a deal-breaker for you.

People are going to tell you you're wrong for throwing away a relationship for something THEY feel isn't a problem, and some will tell you you're foolish for staying with someone who doesn't care about your opinions. You don't owe anyone anything, EXCEPT your daughter. You owe it to her to really think about this and not make a rash decision. I also think this isn't really about the porn itself, it's about the lying. The lots and lots of lying. The deal breaker for me isn't the porn, is the fact you say you were abused for the majority of your relationship. I would reserve your decision until after your USC interview. You need to focus on studying that. You need to stop thinking about this every day and instead see how your relationship is without you complaining about this. To see with open eyes just how it REALLY is and if you can "get over it". I also suggest you go on birth control so you don't have another child with him. Again, I'm so sorry

you know, I am in very tough position and i have a child too now, and all what you wrote made so much sense to me, even brought tears to my eyes. He mentionned about having another child: It is right now out of question, everything has been so painful for me, that i wont go through that again.

I might change my mind, the day we go to therapy couple, but he refuses..i think he doesnt want to face his problems

any idea of how i can make him accept this idea?

Edited January 6, 2012 by alexzy75

[VanessaTony 3,567]

you know, I am in very tough position and i have a child too now, and all what you wrote made so much sense to me, even brought tears to my eyes. He mentionned about having another child: It is right now out of question, everything has been so painful for me, that i wont go through that again.

I might change my mind, the day we go to therapy couple, but he refuses..i think he doesnt want to face his problems

any idea of how i can make him accept this idea?

The only way I can see him accepting the idea of counselling is if it's not just about him and you tell him that. It doesn't sound like he will give up porn entirely, so the counselling would need to be about you accepting it to a point. It would need to be about helping you get over the lies, helping him to learn that lying does more damage than he realises. Talking about the emotional abuse he subjected you to years ago. It would need to be about MINIMISING the amount of porn he watches, or restricting it to certain media (internet only for example on HIS computer and not a family computer). You have a child who will (quicker than you realise) learn how to use a remote so you need to either cancel the porn channels on the TV, or lock them down with a passcode.

Unfortunately just writing that list had me thinking that it's basically going to be you that's making the compromises so it's probably only going to be you that needs the majority of the counselling. You need help with coming to terms with the porn, the abuse and the lies. He needs help to limit his porn use, to understand why you feel the way you do. I don't know what kind of guy he is so only you really know how that's gunna go but at least you're going to try.

[NevermindVz 51]

• my husband had been watching (and paying) for webcam sex
  
• Besides this, I had been mentally and emotionally abused by him
  
• When he saw me crying he asked me what happened and I told him, he simply scoffed, turned his back and went to take a shower, then he went to lay down on the sofa like nothing happened and this upset me even more.
  
• Today we had a heavy argument on the phone because he was telling me that instead of accusing him about this I should appreciate the fact that he has two jobs so I can be home. He even said "yeah, life is good!".
  
• his indifference makes me feel disrespected as well.
  
• This whole thing had meaning in our relationship, you're not supposed to do things that you know would hurt your spouse.
  
• All of a sudden he became that nasty old man to me again.
  
• All these things made me feel horrible as I realized that he had lied about a lot of things.
  
• I had to be walking on eggshells because anything small would trigger him being upset.
  
• at midnight of the 31st I was crying because suddenly I started to feel the same way I felt when I first came here and I felt betrayed again and all those feelings I had kept in a bolt resurfaced.
  
• It's strange, whenever we are intimate, I suggest doing new things and he never likes to try anything, he acts like it's not "correct" to do things out of the ordinary
  
• all the pain he had caused me, like, yelling at me when I was pregnant, lying about important things, putting his family first before my feelings, even giving me HPV and questioning if he was the one who gave it to me even when he knew he was my first
  
• I can't put into words how bad I felt in all those situations and how dumb, naive and submissive I was, as I had only tried to make things work by trying to forget and forgiving him
  
• I came to this country to be happy with him, not because I wanted to live here, in the past he even said that I married for the greencard and no, if God forbid something happened to him, I'd go back home because he's the reason why I came here
  
• He also told me that maybe I'm better off with someone else.
  
• I suggested counseling almost two yrs ago and he only went a couple of times because he said he didn't need it, he said that if I had a problem then that it was me the one who needed counseling.
  

I can't believe some people are trivializing this issue as a like/dislike porn thing. That some people are even defending this guy is beyond me.

• but I gotta confess it feels good to stand up for myself.
  
• but now I know somehow I'm stronger
  
• I started this topic focusing on what I'm going through right now but my mind keeps rewinding the tape about everything that had gone through in the first 3 yrs that I was here and no, it's about time I do something definite about it, I just don't know how to start...
  
• because it's not just the fact that he was looking at porn, but it's everything, all the lies, all the disrespect and I just have to do something about it, I can't take these ups and downs anymore. I need consistency in my life.
  

You are on the right track! You have received good advice from some members. Look for advice and support groups in your area, even think about an exit strategy. Know that you are not alone. Good luck!