am i overreacting about this porn thing?

[san diego 407]

Not letting him change your daughter's clothes? Sounds like overreacting. He watches porn, he is not a child abuser, rapist, or sex criminal for viewing stuff that is, at the end of the day, legal. Counseling is definitely in order for BOTH of you.

:thumbs: :thumbs:

[Dan & Jenni 457]

Not letting him change your daughter's clothes? Sounds like overreacting. He watches porn, he is not a child abuser, rapist, or sex criminal for viewing stuff that is, at the end of the day, legal. Counseling is definitely in order for BOTH of you.

this is what happens when you have people calling him a sicko

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Not letting him change your daughter's clothes? Sounds like overreacting. He watches porn, he is not a child abuser, rapist, or sex criminal for viewing stuff that is, at the end of the day, legal. Counseling is definitely in order for BOTH of you.

She is reacting to the "incest" porn specifically. She never watched the vids but only saw the titles and is now starting to wonder why incest porn was so interesting to him and makes her wonder how he is looking at their daughter. Valid concerns given the only evidence she has.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

OP - I understand how grossed out you are by the types of vids he's been watching, especially when you have a young child. I do agree that it would make me concerned a little... but you don't know what kinds they were. It could have been step-mother type vids. It could have been any number of difference scenarios. You can't depend on the titles though...

You are a good mother for protecting your daughter from the perceived threat but I agree that you should both seek counselling.

Edited January 6, 2012 by Vanessa&Tony

[Dan & Jenni 457]

OP - I understand how grossed out you are by the types of vids he's been watching, especially when you have a young child. I do agree that it would make me concerned a little... but you don't know what kinds they were. It could have been step-mother type vids. It could have been any number of difference scenarios. You can't depend on the titles though...

You are a good mother for protecting your daughter from the perceived threat but I agree that you should both seek counselling.

counselling for them both as a couple and counselling for him regarding his addiction i totally agree with.

She is reacting to the "incest" porn specifically. She never watched the vids but only saw the titles and is now starting to wonder why incest porn was so interesting to him and makes her wonder how he is looking at their daughter. Valid concerns given the only evidence she has.

im pretty sure there is a big difference between incest and child rape.

Edited January 6, 2012 by Dan & Jenni

[VanessaTony 3,567]

im pretty sure there is a big difference between incest and child rape.

That depends on what kind it is. Incest is sex between family members. She is of course thinking the worst. I doubt they were paedophilia vids, but it wouldn't stop me being concerned if I saw a friends comp with "underage girls" or something as the titles and I had kids. She's protecting her child from a perceived threat with the thought "what if he IS thinking bad thoughts and I ignore it? Can I trust that he wouldn't hurt her? He's been hurting me for years.. lying for years, I can't trust what he says because he lies"...

[Robert&Karen 264]

Regarding incest porn, are we talking minors (under 18) here? If the images showed children we have a whole other batch of cats to juggle. If they are fantasy role playing among adults there is no case.

[yapasdeprobleme 4]

I can't wait to start reading the 13 page thread that the husband starts when he finds this one open on the family computer....

[giving_up 3]

I can't wait to start reading the 13 page thread that the husband starts when he finds this one open on the family computer....

do you think I care if he finds it? I can even send him the link so he can realize how bad things are. I had a purpose when I started this thread, I needed advice, I never thought it would reach 13 pages, sorry if that bothers you. I appreciate those who have given me different views about this issue and unfortunately, this can happen to anybody. Many couples here on VJ have met online, a fiance/e leaves everything behind to be with someone who they haven't known entirely. There are a lot of trophy wives coming from asian countries who are so innocent and they have no idea what their old guys will be hiding here. I've read many posts about people who have been fooled like me, it is sad, but things do go wrong sometimes. I don't think there's anything wrong about sharing things here. I thought this was the place where people would relate the most with me given the way in which I got to this country.

[OnMyWayID 1,489]

do you think I care if he finds it? I can even send him the link so he can realize how bad things are. I had a purpose when I started this thread, I needed advice, I never thought it would reach 13 pages, sorry if that bothers you. I appreciate those who have given me different views about this issue and unfortunately, this can happen to anybody. Many couples here on VJ have met online, a fiance/e leaves everything behind to be with someone who they haven't known entirely. There are a lot of trophy wives coming from asian countries who are so innocent and they have no idea what their old guys will be hiding here. I've read many posts about people who have been fooled like me, it is sad, but things do go wrong sometimes. I don't think there's anything wrong about sharing things here. I thought this was the place where people would relate the most with me given the way in which I got to this country.

Your troubles are not unique to this type of marriage or to any given country. People can be creeps at any age and any location...

Reading your last conversation with him: I've seen this type of fighting before where each person pushes the other to the brink and the conversations go nowhere because neither side knows what to do or the outcome they truly desire. One thing you want from your husband is to make you feel better.. but he is not sure he wants to make you feel better because just like you he is contemplating bailing on the relationship... So you have this situation where both of you need the other to bend and fix things but neither of you is willing to bend for the other.

How do fix that? Neither one of you "has hand" in the argument because the other does not fear the relationship ending... Right or wrong you will not fix this by attacking him. You need to decide what you really want and then you can form a way of approaching your husband.

[TiklingGuy 211]

I can't wait to start reading the 13 page thread that the husband starts when he finds this one open on the family computer....

Master Yoda, we are here to help the OP by offering words of hope and council, not to make fun of, or try and embarras her by getting others to agree that she is doing a bad thing here. This is not Jerry Springer.

[Laure&Colin 558]

She is reacting to the "incest" porn specifically. She never watched the vids but only saw the titles and is now starting to wonder why incest porn was so interesting to him and makes her wonder how he is looking at their daughter. Valid concerns given the only evidence she has.

Totally agree.

I understand your concerns, especially since he's been pretty good at concealing his devotion to porn and the way he lied to you before.

Maybe you should just confront him about the incest videos you found years ago. Because they are what causes this fear today, not the one dvd receipt you found.

Do not attack him cause he'll only react to defend himself and nothing good will come out of this conversation. Just tell him, honestly, how are you not supposed to think he might abuse your child when he was watching incest videos? What would he do if the situation was reverse, if he found this type of material in your computer? Would it not cross his mind, as a father concerned about his child's safety?

Maybe then he'll feel like he has to talk to you about this porn thing and you can start trying to fix it. Suggest couselling. See what he says.

[Rebecca Jo 1,962]

She is reacting to the "incest" porn specifically. She never watched the vids but only saw the titles and is now starting to wonder why incest porn was so interesting to him and makes her wonder how he is looking at their daughter. Valid concerns given the only evidence she has.

Bull feathers.

That depends on what kind it is. Incest is sex between family members. She is of course thinking the worst. I doubt they were paedophilia vids, but it wouldn't stop me being concerned if I saw a friends comp with "underage girls" or something as the titles and I had kids. She's protecting her child from a perceived threat with the thought "what if he IS thinking bad thoughts and I ignore it? Can I trust that he wouldn't hurt her? He's been hurting me for years.. lying for years, I can't trust what he says because he lies"...

Since you don't watch porn Vanessa you should know the people in those videos are not really related. They are actors.

Grown up people do not hang up on their spouses. They don't refuse to take their phone calls. They don't turn their back when the offending spouse tries to open up a discourse. If the OP wants to try to mend the relationship, then IMO she should not continue to act wounded.

As far as some of these other comments about how people "forbid" their spouses to do things - good luck with that. Everyone has a free will. IMO it is just as disrespectful to forbid a partner to "do something" as it is for them to do it. The moral code between a couple is just that - between them. I always think people who have to talk to others about their personal moral code know their is something deeply wrong and are just looking for validation. What goes on between two people in a relationship should be just between them. Trying to force your moral code on others doesn't work.

Edited January 6, 2012 by Rebecca Jo

[giving_up 3]

I suggested counseling almost two yrs ago and he only went a couple of times because he said he didn't need it, he said that if I had a problem then that it was me the one who needed counseling. The last time he went, the counselor was supporting my husband's position about something and then when we got home he kept telling me how wrong I was and that even the counselor knew I was wrong... but I knew I was right. The following time I went alone and the counselor told me that after we left she was there thinking and realized I was the one who was right, not him. She messed up things even more and then I stopped going, she even laughed at me going there alone because she said I believe my husband loves me when he clearly doesn't because he wasn't there :/

I brought up the incest thing yesterday and he said it wasn't him the one who saw them, that it was a friend of his who now is a doctor (imagine that!). But anyway, when I first came here I found condoms, an empty bottle of viagra and the yahoo sex groups and he also claimed it was that guy who was responsible for everything. Then after being mad for two weeks he confessed it was him but now, almost 5 yrs later he denies everything all over again.

I'm tired of giving him chances which he takes for granted, I'm acting hurt because I am hurt and I cannot see a solution to this mess right now. He apologized and that was all, he didn't say let's work things out, let's go to counseling, but anyway, I gotta try and suggest it again. We'll see what happens.

[Golden Gate 530]

Wow. He is a liar and a crazy-maker. Good luck and listen to your gut.