what r the options for us?

[mar2011 1]

hi everybody! i read a lot of posts here about family issues.. that our loved ones turned out to be different once they came here or once we came here.. I have similar situation... my husband and I love each other and try to support each other as much as we can... but the fact that we live with his family affects our relationship little bit. I mean the family member seem to be nice to me but I do know that they talk behind my back, his sister just hates me and my husband and does lotsa crazy things... We live in a small town and everything is far away so I cant really go anywhere (I cant drive and I need to wait for my EAD or GC to be able to apply and take driving courses). So pretty much all the time I stay at home with his mum and a hostile sister.. I try to keep myself busy (reading books and learning languages).. I can't really volunteer much because once again i cant go anywhere and he works in a different city...

what happened now is that I feel very bored and lonely at home.. he works till late and then go to the gym so I see him only around 8-9 pm and that's every day... his parents are very controlling, by the way... a few days ago he stayed over his cousin's house for the night and even didnt send me a text (explaining that his cousin was making fun of him all the time)... since then his mum keeps on discussing it with everybody which makes me feel terrible... today he told me that he really wants to go play cards with his friends so probably be home very late or maybe will have to stay there over night again since this is in a different city.. I do understand that couples need to have some time with their own friends and I should respect that... but it makes me feel so bad... I gave up everything for him and he goes to play cards with friends while im sitting here like an idiot (sorry) waiting for him... for some reason i feel like he will stay at his friends for the night again.. I dont know what to do... sometimes i really really want to go home... we are in the process of oas by the way.. I know that some of you had similar experience... what did you do? how did you go through it?

[Helen Louise Pile 80]

I am so sorry you are having a hard time.

Can you talk to your husband about how unhappy you are in this situation? Is it possible he just doesn't realise that his family are treating you badly?

Also...can you hitch a ride into the city with your husband in the mornings? Volunteer somewhere there and you can occupy yourself with books if you need to, sit in a coffee shop or library?

Not being able to drive in the US is tough! Back home I never had to drive and when I didn't have a car here I had my husband take me to my volunteer job. I just sometimes had to go in early or stay late depending on his work schedule. Its not ideal but volunteering was really worth it. It's how I got my first job here after I had my greencard.

Can you also tell him that you need to make friends and see if he knows anyone who can take you out? My husband and I moved from Scotland together to a new place in the states so he needed to make friends here also, we attended all of his work functions and we met up with people from his work socially so we could have a social life. Perhaps since he already has friends he is not thinking like that, but you are starting in a new place so you need it!

I don't have great advice. I think lots of people here can relate to how you are feeling. I hope you can talk to your husband because he is making it harder on you than it needs to be.

Take care

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

I will give you th answers but you will not like it.

Your husband needs to fix this. He needs to get you your own place even if it means working 20 hours a day at three jobs, get your AOS filed immediately even if he has to borrow money from someone other than his family, then get you a drivers permit and teach you to drive, arrange for neighbors to give you rides if necessary. HE needs to get his WIFE out of this predictament. He needs to make his WIFE a priority. I can tell you that MY UKranian wwife would never tolerate such nonsense, she would probably break my neck in my sleep and be on the next flight back to Donetsk. She doesn't NEED this kind of nonsense.

We lived in a VERY rural area when Alla arrived and I had to work all over the state. I had a network of local drivers ready for her when she arrived so she could begin her degree rogram right away (5 days after arrival and she wanted to know why she had to wait that long) She started volunteering for the local (40 miles away) hospital right away and still does once per week for 3 hours. It turned into a very lucrative PAYING job for her. I had a different driver available for each day of the week that could at least get her to town where she could catch a bus to school. I normally drove her but if I could not, then a phone call the night before was all it took. She had a masters degree in teaching ENGLISH in less than three years after arrival and could not always go full time to classes. Not bad at all.

This is a matter of not being prepared. It is your husbands job to fix this. Tell him to grab the knobs and do his job. I am guessing that throughout the process he checked every day to see if the case was "touched" and whined repeatedly that it was taking too long. Not long enough apparently.

For those members that think the VISA is the hard part....

[VanessaTony 3,567]

She started volunteering for the local (40 miles away) hospital right away and still does once per week for 3 hours. It turned into a very lucrative PAYING job for her.

While it's great that Alla get's paid it is important to note you CANNOT volunteer at a job if your aim is to eventually get paid there, it's against the rules.

Some people often ask if they can volunteer at their future employers until they get their EAD and then switch to paid work, they cannot.

In Alla's case, I believe she did not intend to eventually work there full-time and get paid, just happened to get offered the occasional paid gig there.

As an aside, your Alla often comes across as incredibly demanding and as though your relationship is a business arrangement. I never made such demands of Tony, he however did whatever he could and I understood that.

The OP's husband doesn't have to DO anything but it doesn't appear he doesn't care to do anything either. The OP's husband doesn't appear to care about her enough to talk to her about how she feels, to understand what she's going through, or to talk about what options he has (not everyone is in the same financial situation).

The one thing I absolutely agree with is you HAVE to move out. Maybe he thinks you want people around? Maybe he doesn't realise how unhappy you are there? It doesn't sound to me that he's very mature or at least mature enough to have this relationship. Not texting you because his cousin mocked him? Tony may have in the beginning been mocked by his friends when he had to leave at say 1am when he would normally stay until 4 or 5am hanging out with friends but he made it clear to them that I am his priority and he's not ashamed of that. It doesn't mean he's whipped, it means he actually gives a ####### about his wife and his relationship. I "let" him stay out, I don't call and nag him to come home, he does that on his own. He proves that our relationship is important to him, your husband needs to do the same.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

While it's great that Alla get's paid it is important to note you CANNOT volunteer at a job if your aim is to eventually get paid there, it's against the rules.

Some people often ask if they can volunteer at their future employers until they get their EAD and then switch to paid work, they cannot.

In Alla's case, I believe she did not intend to eventually work there full-time and get paid, just happened to get offered the occasional paid gig there.

As an aside, your Alla often comes across as incredibly demanding and as though your relationship is a business arrangement. I never made such demands of Tony, he however did whatever he could and I understood that.

Alla demands the best. I am glad to oblige.

Hold the phone! She pushes wheelchairs around once a week now, used to be twice per week, but her PAID job is as an interpreter. She still does the volunteer job. Also when Alla arrived it was before the change of the I-9 form and she was working at a paid job within a few weeks with no EAD, she did not need one at that time (well she DID need it but the forms and regulations were unclear and it was not enforced until April 2009, well after she had her green card)

The volunteer job gave her contacts and introduced her to people that could be valuable in the future, and were. Basically, if you want to have a life OUTside the house then you have to GO outside the house and DO something.

Her husband, being the native needs to make a priority of it.I can tell you their problem, and the maturity issue is one of them (this is not a 40 something Ukrainian woman writing this, it is a 20 something)

Ukrainian women ARE the boss of their house. ARE. THE. BOSS. Of the house. Men have no chance so just forget that. Now this poor Ukrainian woman is in a house with not one but TWO other women that think THEY are the boss. Holey Moley! This man brought a woman here and married here before he was ready to be a man and this woman compormised what she KNEW was against her cultural demands. It was destined for failure. Keep in mind that Ukrainian women often meet their other women friends at the tea house for conversation because they do not want "concurrents" in THEIR house! If they DO have women friends over the house will be spotlessly clean so that there are no rumors flying about their poor housekeeping. They also take a measure of other women by how the other women's husbands look when they go out. This girl is about to explode!

The MAN needs to get this right with his woman and give her the house she needs to be the BOSS of. Then he needs to get her set up with everything else she needs, it is HIS job, he is the man, he is the US citizen and he is the native speaker. Do it.

He married a Ukrainian, act like it!

[Kathryn41 3,205]

One post violating TOS has been removed. You are not allowed to insult other posters.

Kathryn

VJ Moderation Team

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Alla demands the best. I am glad to oblige.

<snip>

The MAN needs to get this right with his woman and give her the house she needs to be the BOSS of. Then he needs to get her set up with everything else she needs, it is HIS job, he is the man, he is the US citizen and he is the native speaker. Do it.

He married a Ukrainian, act like it!

Lol that's exactly what matters! Mutual respect and admiration

I do completely agree though. He needs to man up but I get the feeling he's too young to realise that and I feel very bad for the OP. To give up everything and be left floundering is a horrible feeling.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Lol that's exactly what matters! Mutual respect and admiration

I do completely agree though. He needs to man up but I get the feeling he's too young to realise that and I feel very bad for the OP. To give up everything and be left floundering is a horrible feeling.

I get the same feeling about age. I will add this is why many Ukrainian women prefer older men. That, and our charm and good looks, of course. Someone established with a good job etc. They aren't goldiggers, they couldn't care less about gold, they just want a "quiet" house. A cozy, quiet house. High on the list of Ukrainian woman, and "quiet" means they do not worry about feeding their family, paying the electric bill etc. "Calm" or "stable" may be a better term. But for the OP, it is what it is.

Not much you can do about being young except get old, which comes with time.

Another thing I have found is that Ukrainian women will tolerate most anything if they see progress toward a goal. If Alla feels like nothing is happening because no one is doing anything...she becomes upset and agitated. If we work together...she does not care if it takes 3 years or 4 years or 10 years...if you are doing SOMETHING

The OP and her husband need to sit down and say "OK, this is not going to work, we both know this. How are WE going to fix this? What are WE going to do?" The man may need to get a better or another job, the woman may need to bite her tongue a bit. They need to make a plan to get her out of the house, somehow. Find a car pool for her to get her to town so she can go to a volunteer job or ESL classes. Alla tends to be a bit hyperactive but she had a full calendar just a few days after arriving...it was quite astounding. She was BUSY, she was working toward her goal. There has to be a PLAN and a GOAL and you BOTH need to work at it. And discuss it every day, usually before bed is when we have our daily "review" of what we did, the kids, what we are planning (already discussing summer travel plans) He is going to have HIS part of the job and the woman has hers, which is not the same as his. You have to "tick off" goals, work at it. You will soon forget all this drama. I have no time for that ####### in my life, I am busy with that I already have to do.

If you do not speak English well an EAD is of little use. If she is already well educated (betya!) she is not going to be happy washing dishes with illegal aliens for minimum wage. OP, what do YOU want to do? What do YOU need to do to acheive that goal? Focus on that. Get your mind off the mother in law and sister business. That's nonsense.

Don't forget to set aside some "play time" for yourselves. Not sex, I mean stuff like walks, riding bikes, going out for dinner if you can afford it. By yourselves not with other people

We go shooting at least once a week ($5 each) we go ice skating once a week ($5 each), we go for walks in various places when the weather is good (free) Hikes, swimming, picnics (free, more or less)downhill skiing maybe every other week (not cheap) cross country skiing (free except for buying the second hand ski sets cheap)

There are lots of cheap things you can do together while you work at this.

Just make it so!

[Darnell 8,478]

to the OP -

Gary's nailed it - but I give you some other advice.

Get out of the house, every day.

How, you ask?

Have your husband take him with you on his drive to work , drop you off at the local university, community college, or library.

Can do many things at the library, many things at the university, many things at the community college.

Heck, vary the drop off point each day, as well, between the 3 places.

Do make sure, though, that yer husband understands that he's to pick you up each day.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

to the OP -

Gary's nailed it - but I give you some other advice.

Get out of the house, every day.

How, you ask?

Have your husband take him with you on his drive to work , drop you off at the local university, community college, or library.

Can do many things at the library, many things at the university, many things at the community college.

Heck, vary the drop off point each day, as well, between the 3 places.

Do make sure, though, that yer husband understands that he's to pick you up each day.

This works also. We had several people who could drive Alla, including myself, and sometimes she had to go earlier than her class started and killed time at the library or had to wait after school for me...she could take a bus to downtown, wander around, window shop, have a coffee, etc.

It was a somewhat difficult time and it was much easier when she could drive and got her own car, its own set of problems, but all worked out. Again there is a plan. Each phase has its own set of problems, getting the AOS, getting a job, learning to drive, learning English, there is a lot to do in a very short time (why I say "the visa is the easy part") and before you know it the RoC is coming up and then the naturalization and it seems to come at you faster than you can handle. But you can. It does not stop and the planning gets more strategic over time and less tactical. Not so much of "how will we get through this day" but more like, "what will we do when Pasha graduates next year? Will we move? Will we live only part time here? Will Alla teach at a beachfront school in Rio?" That kind of stuff.

It gets better.

[Darnell 8,478]

ya, but - I see her immediate problem as being in the house with his mother. The sister is a nutter, as well.

Get Out.

PLUS - that drive out and back each day? That's with yer husband !!! You get some precious 'alone time' that you not have anywhere else.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

ya, but - I see her immediate problem as being in the house with his mother. The sister is a nutter, as well.

Get Out.

PLUS - that drive out and back each day? That's with yer husband !!! You get some precious 'alone time' that you not have anywhere else.

She needs to get out every day. I read an article once that if you got laid off and needed a new job you should still get out of bed the same time, get dressed go out and go to a library or labor resource center and work on job applications, resumes, etc. In other words, follow your old routine as much as possible and use the time to used to work as ytour time to find a job. Sounded good anyway, I never needed it.

The OP needs to make a routine, get out of the house, go to ESL classes, go to a volunteer job, do some other errands for the family and yes, spend time together with her husband. He needs to do his part and she needs to do hers. I am serious, Alla had a "daytimer" calendar and was filling it up within a week and went over it every day with me and I never felt like I could say "yeah, well, that stuff is not important" It was. We found a way to do it.

Edited January 2, 2012 by Gary and Alla

[mar2011 1]

Thanks, everybody, for your comments. You are right about our age. We are both 24.. but we do have goals and do our best to reach them.. I applied to be a volunteer at the animal orphanage a while ago but it is pretty far so I cant go there as often as I can. I'm trying to find some different meetings so that I can get to know people. I'm also waiting for the opportunity to volunteer at the hospital... hopefully some time soon.

Yeah, I need to get out of the house... it's like a prison haha..I had a very busy life in Ukraine (studied at 2 schools and worked).. so now this "waiting stage" is just killing me...

I talked to my husband and he seems to understand how I feel... He even asked a couple of his friends to introduce me to their female friends so that I have somebody to spend time with while he is at work... but... I guess he is going through some weird stage in his life due to the influence of his cousin (bad guy... drinks, smokes..) He starts talking to me disrespectful when I mention smth about this cousin.. He says I demand too much from him... but I personally thing that I dont.. I dont mind him meeting with his male friends for a glass of beer or watch a football match but I do think if he is coming home late or staying over, he should call me and let me know... When I say that, he says that's Im trying to control him lol... u know what, I even talked to his mum and she said that her husband (his dad)used to behave like that too (when he was younger) and she "closed her eyes for that".. she kinda advise me to do the same... (saying this is just the stage in his life).. but I personally feel like "teaching him a good lesson" lol...

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Thanks, everybody, for your comments. You are right about our age. We are both 24.. but we do have goals and do our best to reach them.. I applied to be a volunteer at the animal orphanage a while ago but it is pretty far so I cant go there as often as I can. I'm trying to find some different meetings so that I can get to know people. I'm also waiting for the opportunity to volunteer at the hospital... hopefully some time soon.

Yeah, I need to get out of the house... it's like a prison haha..I had a very busy life in Ukraine (studied at 2 schools and worked).. so now this "waiting stage" is just killing me...

I talked to my husband and he seems to understand how I feel... He even asked a couple of his friends to introduce me to their female friends so that I have somebody to spend time with while he is at work... but... I guess he is going through some weird stage in his life due to the influence of his cousin (bad guy... drinks, smokes..) He starts talking to me disrespectful when I mention smth about this cousin.. He says I demand too much from him... but I personally thing that I dont.. I dont mind him meeting with his male friends for a glass of beer or watch a football match but I do think if he is coming home late or staying over, he should call me and let me know... When I say that, he says that's Im trying to control him lol... u know what, I even talked to his mum and she said that her husband (his dad)used to behave like that too (when he was younger) and she "closed her eyes for that".. she kinda advise me to do the same... (saying this is just the stage in his life).. but I personally feel like "teaching him a good lesson" lol...

It is a shame. You are not a priority for your husband. You understand this, correct? Do not expect anything to change in your life until you ARE a priority for him. Many people here gave good advice based on a lot of experience, but if your husband does not make you number 1, none of that can happen.

You actually SHOULD control his actions but not because you have to force it, you SHOULD be his top priority and he should WANT to make your life as good as possible. He does not. That is what you have to make clear to him

[UK_Fan 192]

Alla demands the best. I am glad to oblige.

Hold the phone! She pushes wheelchairs around once a week now, used to be twice per week, but her PAID job is as an interpreter. She still does the volunteer job. Also when Alla arrived it was before the change of the I-9 form and she was working at a paid job within a few weeks with no EAD, she did not need one at that time (well she DID need it but the forms and regulations were unclear and it was not enforced until April 2009, well after she had her green card)

The volunteer job gave her contacts and introduced her to people that could be valuable in the future, and were. Basically, if you want to have a life OUTside the house then you have to GO outside the house and DO something.

Her husband, being the native needs to make a priority of it.I can tell you their problem, and the maturity issue is one of them (this is not a 40 something Ukrainian woman writing this, it is a 20 something)

Ukrainian women ARE the boss of their house. ARE. THE. BOSS. Of the house. Men have no chance so just forget that. Now this poor Ukrainian woman is in a house with not one but TWO other women that think THEY are the boss. Holey Moley! This man brought a woman here and married here before he was ready to be a man and this woman compormised what she KNEW was against her cultural demands. It was destined for failure. Keep in mind that Ukrainian women often meet their other women friends at the tea house for conversation because they do not want "concurrents" in THEIR house! If they DO have women friends over the house will be spotlessly clean so that there are no rumors flying about their poor housekeeping. They also take a measure of other women by how the other women's husbands look when they go out. This girl is about to explode!

The MAN needs to get this right with his woman and give her the house she needs to be the BOSS of. Then he needs to get her set up with everything else she needs, it is HIS job, he is the man, he is the US citizen and he is the native speaker. Do it.

He married a Ukrainian, act like it!

a boss? that's not an average Ukrainian woman, but specifically your wife! in our culture, a man is always the boss and a head of the house, a woman, however, is the neck, that turns the head (it a famous Russian saying), so as for your wife, being "demanding" should not be explained by her being Ukrainian, but rather it, being her personality.

u are right about RUB women being very goal-oriented, but there are different ways of going about it, making your husband jump out of his skin and cater to your demands is certainly not one of them...

how do i know all of this you might ask? besides being born and raised in Russia, my mom is a full-blooded Ukrainian woman, and as i watched her all these years, she is the furthest from what you described "a Ukrainian woman" to be.

as for the OP, im afraid she wasn't fully aware of what she was getting herself into... in some cases living together for a long time is not enough to figure out each other.. i don't know her case, but i'm willing to bet money that there wasn't much courtship. all she can do is talk to her husband and figure it out or suck it up and hope for the best.