Crossroads

[Gosia & Tito 199]

Hello Everyone,

I hope that I am posting this is the right place. I am not sure so please forgive me if it is not. I have been reading this forum for years, I finally decided to join as I have been deliberating on my relationship. I really need help! I am soooooo tired of this process and disappointments involved that I just feel sick. I m annoyed and tired and the holiday season is just making it worse. I guess writing it out to people who are going through is some what cathartic for me. I don't think I want to continue the process any longer with my fiance'. The main reason is simple cost-benefit analysis. I don't feel like he give me a reason any longer to want to be with him. I have tried talking to him and telling him what my concerns are and he has yet to address or show improvement. Why then should I want to get him here when he can't even handle LDR. I know LDR are hard but I also feel in a way its easier. By that I mean ... if he cant even put in the effort to keep me placated via phone calls and internet communication how the heck can I expect anything better when we are together. I mean if he can't put in minimum effort such as that I don't have much faith in him impressing me when he is here. We have a child together as well and thats the MAIN issue for me he is not putting in much effort to show me he is vested enough in us. That why I am just ready to call it done. I really am in need of someone to talk to and their isn't anyone around me who can relate to this situation.

Please forgive any and all typos.

I feel you pain, specially around the Xmas/New Year days.

You are the only one that can tell what is the reason for his behaviour and what the long term outcome could be.

For what is worth:

In our case, the last 4-5 months before she came here were the hardest. She did not have internet at home, thus could only reply to my messages from the office and some changes at her job made this much harder. So we reduce e-mail to sometimes 1-2 per week. No internet meant no Skype. Yes, there are internet cafes, however, some of the changes at her work were a move to another location, which meant a 2-4 hour commute each way, on top of the regular 8-10 hour daily work (including lunch time, etc). Let's not forget she had to shop for groceries and other things, tend to things broken at home: appliance not working, broken gas line, etc. Of course not everyday, but over time this things really take a toll.

Even though it felt to me as if she was not putting enough effort, I had to understand her situation was difficult and she was truly doing the best she could.

Yes, we had phones, and an 8 hour time zone difference. I'd briefly talk with her when I was getting to work, which was about almost end of day at work for her; she couldn't just hang around because her transportation out of the little village her job moved was waiting (friends form work who have a car, she did not have one); if she would stay, she would then have to wait for a bus, and the commute could take now up to 6 hours.

Her early morning was about midnight for me, and we would talk sometimes but since I have to get up early for work myself, the opportunities were not the best.

On weekends, she would try to recover sleep on Saturdays and we would normally have a good long talk on Sundays, but sometimes only every other week.

WHen we talked I did notice how tired she was and there was not much I could do.

She was also tired of the process, how long this takes and possibly even wondering whether I was maybe delaying things. Heck I was tired of the process -like everyone here is or was- and frustrated that something 'so simple' could take months with the additional worries of a RFE that could delay things even more. Luckily, I had no much concern of the interview as she is from a country where it appeared the Embassy personnel didn't make of a case for K-1s.

Luckily, I had financial resources that allow to meet every few months, and even with that, it was hard hard.

Sometimes things look different to what they are is my point. To you it looks like he's not making any effort. Maybe that is the case, but maybe it is not and there are valid reasons. Maybe from his point of view, you are not doing enough.

Hope this helps

[Barbie_Vazquez 10]

At my end... I think your just frustrated with this whole process (especially being denied the 1st time). Don't let that get to you. I know its hard and if you really love him you should talk with him about this. If he is being unsupportive tell him you need his support. You've come so far to give up. No one (in my surroundings) knows what I am going thru with this immigration stuff and they will never understand. I sometimes feel like I have no one to talk to. I was so happy when I found this website. Keep your head up girlie! This too shall pass.

[Miss smarty pants 84]

I am soooooo tired of this process and disappointments involved that I just feel sick. I m annoyed and tired and the holiday season is just making it worse. I don't think I want to continue the process any longer with my fiance'. The main reason is simple cost-benefit analysis. I don't feel like he give me a reason any longer to want to be with him. I have tried talking to him and telling him what my concerns are and he has yet to address or show improvement. Why then should I want to get him here when he can't even handle LDR. I mean if he can't put in minimum effort such as that I don't have much faith in him impressing me when he is here.

The cost will not end when he gets here. Then there will be AOS, ROC and citizenship all to come. Also, he will be completely dependant on you when he gets here.....like a teenager starting out in life. Does he support himself now and how is his work ethic? That will make a difference when he is here in what the cost will be to you.

Only you can decide for you what is right. And as a first time denial myself, I understand just how the prolonged process can take it's toll on you and your relationship. You have to trust yourself. Sometimes when we have those little voices in our heads to protect us, we actually should listen. Whatever you decide, I wish you the best.

[sara..... 371]

most here know my story and how it ended but i wanted to add somethings so that you can try to understand something

the ones on the other end in their home country do not realize what we go thru here in our country to them it is the USA after all so things should work like clock work.....at one point perviz father came to our home (he has a green card) to see if we had sent in the paper work and to talk to the attorney that we had hired......they dont understand that frustration and the loneliness that we feel on this end or the frustration we feel with the complete system

on the flip side of that we dont feel or understand the feeling of being abandoned when we leave to come home......in their world everything depends on us and what we do or dont do.....when things dont go right such as one denied visa attempt from the visa journey it is very easy for them to slip into depression and feeling of complete failure....at least he has not thrown in the towel and said enough i cant do this anymore......can you imagine the complete and total feeling of rejection when they are denied a visa?......i dont know about the country that your man comes from but i do know that most third world countries the people living in them tend to distance them self emotionally when going thru something that effects them directly and their future and they try to accept that they will not prevail.....

it takes two very strong people and very strong commitment from both to keep going after one failed attempt in my case one of us was not strong enough.......

i will pray for you and your situation i hope that everything works out the way that its suppose to....

sara

[nigerwife 17]

I feel compelled to respond because I feel your pain in more ways than one.

This journey is long, expensive and painful. Nearly everyone on this forum can attest to that and commiserate with you in that regard.

Having a new baby that you are raising alone and being married to a Nigerian man (in all thier stoic glory ) only compounds the pain and frustration ten-fold.

My situation is slightly different, as I have known my husband for many years and am secure in our love and marriage. We lived the first two years of our marriage in Nigeria, had our first child together (to add to the five we had combined from "before") and things were going well. I then had a change with my job situation and we made the decision that I should return to the US with my three children from my first marriage as well as our 12-week old son and start the immigration process for my husband and his two daughters. Here we are a year and a half later....and he is still in Nigeria. My husband had his first interview on December 13th and was issued a 212(g) for more documents. (You can find that fiasco in another post of mine.) His next interview is scheduled four days before our son's 2nd birthday.

We are both frustrated and hurt. We miss each other. The kids miss him and our son doesn't know him. He is very frustrated because he is wired to solve problems and provide for and protect his family. Our situation does not allow him to do this. It is HARD stuff. Little things get escalated into huge issues, we are on edge, etc. etc.

I just wanted you to know you are not alone in this. Only you can decide if this is right for you and your daughter. If you want to talk, send me a private message. Hang in there.....there is ultimately an end to this torture.

[Brit Abroad 166]

Sometimes I think the long immigration process is a good test of how you are going to manage stress and relationship difficulties in your marriage.

LDRs are both easy and hard. Easy because there is no real give and take with the ability to log off or "have to go" when situations become awkward. Hard because there can never be enough contact with someone you love when they are in a distant country. Especially hard when your soul mate is from a high fraud country and your relationship is going to be scrutinised very closely.

The only advice I'd give you, without wishing to give any offence, is to use this time to be totally honest with him. Relationships are a two-way communication system. If you are unhappy, you need to be able to say "Hey, I love you and I wish you were here, but I'm struggling and I need more from you right now. Can you call me more often, or just let me know that you are thinking of me, please?". If you hold back on how you feel, he's not getting the REAL you, and isn't being offered the opportunity to do something about it. We assume so much about what our partners are thinking, that we don't actually ASK. It's easy to say that men are less communicative about their feelings than women; but maybe that's because we give them an "out" and we don't let them see how much their lack of action affects us. There is no room for emotional cowardice in a relationship.

You have a child together; this is about more than just you and him. Talk, and keep on talking, until you either know you are going to make this relationship work, come hell or high water, or you don't see it working and decide to come to an amicable end for your child's sake.

Best of luck to you, OP.

PS Sometimes it takes a little while to work out how your marital communication functions. People have different temperaments and experiences, and learn to express themselves in different ways. I'm not sure there's ever a right or wrong way, just a matter of finding the communication system that works best for both of you.

[Eyitemi 0]

Thank you all for your input it has given me much to think about and also made me look at myself. I should clarify when I speak of cost I did not mean monetary he (and if not he his family has been helpful in that area)

Miss smarty pants, Yes he supports himself and when we are there with him he supports us and make sure we do not lack, he change diapers , bath the baby and cook for us as well. He sends us money when we return. I was speaking about his introverted ways. He doesnt really express his feelings.

@ sara, Your words touched me when you spoke about consular rejected it took me back to that day and I remember how we both felt, but how he said he never wanted to be subjected to that again and would never put himself through such because he was so hurt. I guess I am thinking only of my own side right now. I know its not right, I will be the first to admit I am kinda spoiled and use to getting my way in things. I am defintely in a emotional rut and need to pull it together.

Gosia & Tito sounds like you have very similar outside interference( internet connections, time difference etc. Thanks for a male perspective.

doodlebug15 No, it did not start out this way. I wouldn't say its "new behavior" but its recurrent. He is the kind to withdraw into himself when troubled. He just loss his Father who because of that same pride and stoic attitude he had not spoke to for several years. He will not discuss his feeling or emotions with me. He will only say "it is not a mans place to complain to his wife, everythings ok" He just buries things inside.

Niger wife you hit the nail on the head . I laughed out loud when I read "Stoic Glory"

As they say an idle mind.... I need to keep myself busy I guess and ward off these holiday , (I cant believe I'm here alone again) blues.

Thanks and for those dealing with wait and frustrating I pray you have a positive outcome soon.

[Eyitemi 0]

There is no room for emotional cowardice in a relationship

Thanks for the kick in the rear.

@ Brit Aboard Wow! Thanks for the kick in the rear. What can I say you are correct, so I cant be too offended.

I did a lil soul searching and realized that I was letting fear rule me. Certainly not the feeling I should be clinging to right now. I do appreciate your candor.

Edited December 22, 2011 by at my end

[Marlon&Fallon 13]

At my end... I think your just frustrated with this whole process (especially being denied the 1st time). Don't let that get to you. I know its hard and if you really love him you should talk with him about this. If he is being unsupportive tell him you need his support. You've come so far to give up. No one (in my surroundings) knows what I am going thru with this immigration stuff and they will never understand. I sometimes feel like I have no one to talk to. I was so happy when I found this website. Keep your head up girlie! This too shall pass.

I can imagine this is how it is with most of us... there aren't many people to relate to when on this journey and experiencing some overwhelming down moments. I can just imagine how hard it is for the OP. From a man's perspective... us guys sometimes deal with the frustration associated with the distance a bit differently from women. While the woman will talk and at times ramble about the frustration they feel, we tend to internalize our own feelings. We'll get distant and at times appear emotionally numb, but internally we are just as bothered and worn out. It's just that part of our nature of being guys. We want to always appear strong and compose, as we don't want to appear weak.

However, at the end of the day, it is important that our partner knows that our reaction is not a sign that we have checked out emotionally and no longer care as much. I sometimes get like that too, then when my wife points it out to me, and I see how much it is hurting her, I try to be a bit more vocal about my feelings. It may take writing her a lengthy email to reassure her and give her some insight into what is really going on in my head, and let her know she's not in this alone.

OP, you mentioned the internet and communication challenge caused by faulty internet... how about if you too resorted to writing a daily email to each other to use as your main source of communication, since VIOP or phone calls is something you don't have the option of doing frequently? Emails don't require a lot of bandwidth, and you'll be able to know if it's sent successfully. This could ease some of the frustration, as the main problem you both are having is communication. So maybe you want to mention email communications to him, and you could initiate it by writing a lengthy email outlining how you feel and how you'd like things to improve.

OP, I wish you all the best.

[Eyitemi 0]

Marlon&Fallon I will try the suggestions, thanks for providing a male perspective.

[Scafidi454 22]

I feel you pain, specially around the Xmas/New Year days.

You are the only one that can tell what is the reason for his behaviour and what the long term outcome could be.

For what is worth:

In our case, the last 4-5 months before she came here were the hardest. She did not have internet at home, thus could only reply to my messages from the office and some changes at her job made this much harder. So we reduce e-mail to sometimes 1-2 per week. No internet meant no Skype. Yes, there are internet cafes, however, some of the changes at her work were a move to another location, which meant a 2-4 hour commute each way, on top of the regular 8-10 hour daily work (including lunch time, etc). Let's not forget she had to shop for groceries and other things, tend to things broken at home: appliance not working, broken gas line, etc. Of course not everyday, but over time this things really take a toll.

Even though it felt to me as if she was not putting enough effort, I had to understand her situation was difficult and she was truly doing the best she could.

Yes, we had phones, and an 8 hour time zone difference. I'd briefly talk with her when I was getting to work, which was about almost end of day at work for her; she couldn't just hang around because her transportation out of the little village her job moved was waiting (friends form work who have a car, she did not have one); if she would stay, she would then have to wait for a bus, and the commute could take now up to 6 hours.

Her early morning was about midnight for me, and we would talk sometimes but since I have to get up early for work myself, the opportunities were not the best.

On weekends, she would try to recover sleep on Saturdays and we would normally have a good long talk on Sundays, but sometimes only every other week.

WHen we talked I did notice how tired she was and there was not much I could do.

She was also tired of the process, how long this takes and possibly even wondering whether I was maybe delaying things. Heck I was tired of the process -like everyone here is or was- and frustrated that something 'so simple' could take months with the additional worries of a RFE that could delay things even more. Luckily, I had no much concern of the interview as she is from a country where it appeared the Embassy personnel didn't make of a case for K-1s.

Luckily, I had financial resources that allow to meet every few months, and even with that, it was hard hard.

Sometimes things look different to what they are is my point. To you it looks like he's not making any effort. Maybe that is the case, but maybe it is not and there are valid reasons. Maybe from his point of view, you are not doing enough.

Hope this helps

This sounds similar to my frustrations right now - Except, I cannot afford the time or money to take a trip there every few months. I did just get back from Moscow in August, which was a great trip, but I can really feel the time start to add up again.