Waiting..... Waiting

[gretchen_darren 67]

no I have not responded to her yet. I am waiting to see my cousins on Sunday.

[gretchen_darren 67]

yes, I did call my cousin, and tell them Gretchen is my wife. I explained I had not told my parents yet, so I did not want the "grapevine" going beforehand. I wanted to break the news to them. I am just glad Gretchen and I have the support of many other families.

[Hank_ 9,174]

There is a difference between "Putting your foot Down" and "Playing the Dysfunctional Games".

You may have put your foot down with her family but you are for sure playing the dysfunctional games with your family...

:thumbs:

I like that - I don't need to type!

[Stu4Lee 66]

There are more holes in this "story" than the dartboard in the Red Lion

[Hank_ 9,174]

Darren I really don't understand why you are getting all worked up over people you have been on the outs with for years and have not spoken to in just as long.

Seriously, are you just some sort of DQ?

If you are a church going person, take this yarn to your pastor, bring a framing hammer along and hand it to him that way he has something to wack you with when he hears this bull do-do!

[one...two...tree 2,762]

that should be an esay one to give a reponse. as far as part of the family, I'd just let her know you'll always be there as her brother and she's welcome into your family when she's ready to accept Gretchen as your wife.

Excellent response.

Darren, the truth is you're going to get a lot more of that because of the fact that you did marry a young, poor girl from another country. I think the best thing you can do to remedy that is to help Gretchen become an independent adult, capable of taking care of herself and her child. Help her get her driver's license. Sign her up for ESL classes (many of them are free). Get her a library card. Show her how to use the public transit. Get her AOS done quickly so that she's got her Green Card and is eligible to work, and even after the baby's born, either support her to start taking some college courses or help her find some part-time work if that is what she wants.

She needs to be prepared if God forbid something were to happen to you. I think once people like your sister see that Gretchan can in fact stand on her own two feet, your sister will be a lot more open to your new marriage.

[sunandmoon 450]

and "return to serving the Lord"... um. I thought I was, being involved in church, and helping people out in her village, as well as helping out the church over there. Is there a difference? is it because I am not serving according to YOur standards???

there's more to it than just doing good deeds.

Darren I really don't understand why you are getting all worked up over people you have been on the outs with for years and have not spoken to in just as long.

Seriously, are you just some sort of DQ?

If you are a church going person, take this yarn to your pastor, bring a framing hammer along and hand it to him that way he has something to wack you with when he hears this bull do-do!

he won't talk to his pastor about this. he knows he won't get answers he wants to hear...

[gretchen_darren 67]

guess it is just something I should expect from people. Very very few of my friends and family have re-acted like my sister has. My sister is really the first time I am dealing with the reaction. I know I have more to come. I am trying my best to find a way to win my sister over without losing other people.... and I have been sounding off here because I really did not want to take it to the family.... I figured they would be dealing with it without me.....

[gretchen_darren 67]

the pastor just tells me be ready for it, and let the family go on their merry way.... if it doesn't affect you, don't let it bother you.... people have opinions, just like people have to use the C.R. Doesn't mean their good or bad, just means they stink too.

[Ban Hammer 13,283]

mod hat off:

guess it is just something I should expect from people. Very very few of my friends and family have re-acted like my sister has. My sister is really the first time I am dealing with the reaction. I know I have more to come. I am trying my best to find a way to win my sister over without losing other people.... and I have been sounding off here because I really did not want to take it to the family.... I figured they would be dealing with it without me.....

tell her and the rest of the crew about the change in your life status and leave it at that. it's your happiness - and gretchen's - that is at stake here - not the rest of the family. either they can accept, or not accept. to spend any time trying to convince them is just perpetuating any potential drama.

in summary, don't spend any more time or thought about trying to "win" anyone over. it's not a competition!

[southcalhog 43]

mod hat off:

tell her and the rest of the crew about the change in your life status and leave it at that. it's your happiness - and gretchen's - that is at stake here - not the rest of the family. either they can accept, or not accept. to spend any time trying to convince them is just perpetuating any potential drama.

in summary, don't spend any more time or thought about trying to "win" anyone over. it's not a competition!

Well Said!

[mike42979 57]

then add in I am married to my daughter? (a girl less then half my age.) Plus nearly 14 years younger then my younger brother (and my younger brother is 12 years younger then me?)

WOW this sentence alone makes me sick, even you know yourself that what you did is wrong on many levels by the statement you just made about being married to your daughter!

That poor child......

[Crashed~N2~Me 970]

WOW this sentence alone makes me sick, even you know yourself that what you did is wrong on many levels by the statement you just made about being married to your daughter!

That poor child......

You are always like.... a breath of fresh air. A rainbow. A ray of sunshine on a cloudy day. A butterfly.

[Crashed~N2~Me 970]

1)How important was it the past 2 or so years of non communication?

It doesn't matter to fundamentalists. It's about spiritual sovereignty and firstborn rights. His authority (as the elder male child) is being challenged and he takes it as an attempt to...cast him down. His sister is trying to usurp him.

Darren is the "Prodigal son". He probably hid out from his family after (his) divorce due to shame and guilt. Afterall, He fell into sin and let his family down....he went into exile...now he's back and hopes to regain his seat.

It's probably not a bullseye....but, I bet I'm very near.

(Fundamentalists interpret biblical scripture literally)

[Crashed~N2~Me 970]

Of course I'd defend my wife's honor to the grave of anyone who would attack her like that.

I know you would. May I ask ..how...might you do that...?

I don't think it applies in this situation though as he has distanced himself from the offensive family members already and is making a choice to offer her up as cannon fodder.

I don't think it's about cannon fodder. Please see post #134.

Just look at the totality of the situation here, it almost seems like cheesing-off his family may be one of the reasons he shopped for a Filipino to marry in the first place.

My guess...inferiority complex matched with a series of leading events.

This whole situation stinks really badly and I can't see why he would willingly put his wife into it.

How can he keep his wife out of it? They are...in it together...husband and wife....right?

For example: I have no relationship with several members of my family, they all know about my marriage to Anna and some of them have even made inappropriate comments about it. They are attempting to use her to get to me because they know they can't directly affect me anymore. If I allow myself to get drawn into it then I've diminished Anna by allowing them to utilize her in that way. How do I prove them wrong? By living a happy life with my wife and kids despite their opinions.

Im not suggesting Darren make this an ongoing debate. I see this as an event. A 1er dunner. Fire the return volley and move on. As others have suggested... Make the rules of future engagement clear and be done with it.

There is a big difference between someone voicing an honest concern (which I always respond to) and someone making a blatant attack on her/us. The only real motive of the latter is as I've previously stated so tell me who really wins if I engage them?

Nobody wins in this type of situation. (but) Hopefully, somebody learns. Who knows...the lesson may be D&G's and it may be his sister and it may be evry1 involved. Heck...there is probably a lesson it for me (too) as I am reflecting and participating in the discussion.

FWIW, it's always a good conversation when you're involved...

Thanks Bob. I always enjoy reading / considering your POV too. You are a difference maker.