Waiting..... Waiting

[gretchen_darren 67]

actually it is: My God, Jim, I'm beginning to think I can cure a rainy day

[tmma 467]

Yes, I have been attempting to learn her language. I even tried to find tutors. But tutors for Visayan is not easy to find. (there are 4 dialects and I didn't know which one.)

Honestly, I don't have a catalog going back decades. I just looked at my sister saying "don't even pretend anymore, to wonder what the heck she WAS saying...Her and her husband keep on bringing it up many times....

"by God, Jim, I think I can cure just about anything."

Read your posts!

There IS a catalog of ####### that DOES span decades.

Everything from recent stuff , your divorce, your living with 2 women to you taking care of your brother's diapers.

Even if we just take it back to your sister's PLMs in 1989 -that's still almost 13 years- and you were talking of stuff from before that too.

In fact , Darren. Re read your posts.

You talk more about how your family has been pee'd off at you for one reason or another from times before Gretchen came along into your life, and your ex and the divorce---- than you do about Gretchen & your life NOW!

Edited December 27, 2011 by tmma

[sunandmoon 450]

It just leaves only two of us out of the loop in things. Yes, it is their native language. However, it is done intentionally in some respects as to keep the stepdad form knowing things going on which he may not like or approve of. I have caught it several times Christmas day and the day after Christmas. It may not be intentional, but all have been here at least 5 to 6 years....with nearly all of the food distinctly Filipino.

I know Filipinos who have been here 20 years and they talk to each other in Tagalog or their dialect. it's not because they trying to hide things from you. Filipinos serving Filipino food, you find that surprising?

[Tahoma 2,291]

...why people are co-dependents in this manipulative interplay. Because it is learned. You do what you learned when you were young.

We are witnessing a textbook case.

[gretchen_darren 67]

I know Filipinos who have been here 20 years and they talk to each other in Tagalog or their dialect. it's not because they trying to hide things from you. Filipinos serving Filipino food, you find that surprising?

All I sam saying to this is I felt left out.... It was a case of a whole family there. All but 2 kanos were Filipinos. So out of 30 plus people. There were just 2 of us. It was a hard day for me, but a good day for Gretchen. I just tried to grin and enjoy it.

There was the grandmother, 3 brothers, 1 sister, and their spouses plus children. SAturday and Sunday I was around some kanos so we could share and talk while the asawa had fun. But I guess in a way I still have not taken to Filipino food yet. Some of it I like, but much of it is just different tasting to me. I know it is also hard for Getchen for American food as well. But I keep on trying Filipino food. Maybe in time I will develop some taste for some of the food.

[gretchen_darren 67]

Read your posts!

There IS a catalog of ####### that DOES span decades.

Everything from recent stuff , your divorce, your living with 2 women to you taking care of your brother's diapers.

Even if we just take it back to your sister's PLMs in 1989 -that's still almost 13 years- and you were talking of stuff from before that too.

In fact , Darren. Re read your posts.

You talk more about how your family has been pee'd off at you for one reason or another from times before Gretchen came along into your life, and your ex and the divorce---- than you do about Gretchen & your life NOW!

I have been looking at WHY my sister reacted as she did. And yes it goes back decades. It is because I tried to be a passive person over things. Hope issues would just pass on by. But my sister tookd it as being a lame duck instead of being non-confrontational. My sister just wants me not to respond. She just wants me to go my own way and let her have the family. She probably will not even read my emails. But I will also let Dad and Mom know, plus our brother. When my Dad tells me I am out, then I am out, but not until then. Plus like I said, I let it go on for far too llong. It is time to call the gander out, tell her like it is. then stand back and watch the fur fly. Then let everything settle back down to what it should be. or should have been a long time ago.

[sunandmoon 450]

All I sam saying to this is I felt left out.... It was a case of a whole family there. All but 2 kanos were Filipinos. So out of 30 plus people. There were just 2 of us. It was a hard day for me, but a good day for Gretchen. I just tried to grin and enjoy it.

There was the grandmother, 3 brothers, 1 sister, and their spouses plus children. SAturday and Sunday I was around some kanos so we could share and talk while the asawa had fun. But I guess in a way I still have not taken to Filipino food yet. Some of it I like, but much of it is just different tasting to me. I know it is also hard for Getchen for American food as well. But I keep on trying Filipino food. Maybe in time I will develop some taste for some of the food.

ok, I can understand that. as far as food, have you tried chicken adobo, tocino, beef tapa, pancit, lumpia? how was the lechon?

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

ok, I can understand that. as far as food, have you tried chicken adobo, tocino, beef tapa, pancit, lumpia? how was the lechon?

It was Cornish game hens, beef stew, pork stew, ham, baklava, and chocolate fondue at the last Filipino party I went to. There was kasaba, and some sort of pansit as well, for those that had to have something Filipino.

[Hank_ 9,174]

If it was friends, I would just not bother. It would be a waste of breath. But being my sister is "back home". My parents are staying at my sister's while finishing up hte house they bought to move into, plus my brother is 2 hours away as well. I don't want my sister making a judgmental uneducated uninformed delusional decision for the family about me and my family. My sister has been having the PLM's - poor little me - since getting married to her husband in 1989. She moved out of the house and lived at her boyfriends parents house while he lived in an apartment. Parents and Grandparents were upset over the situation, and tried to have me on their side while I was trying to help out my sister. The PLM's continued until she had kids, then she says the parents turned around.

somehow Because of my living decisions AFTER my sister got married (at one time I had two female roommates), the family distanced themselves from me, and my brother in law influenced my brother on things. My brother has lately found out how much I did for him when he was a baby and a kid. I think my brother was very surprised to learn I was the one changing his diapers or getting up at night while in high school (somehow he ended up in my room). during my brother's senior year, I would let him use my truck while I was on business trips. My brother got to use my truck for about the last 3 months of high school. (and I knew some of his driving was in the Indiana corn fields)

I am just tired of the pot calling the kettle "black". My sister is "thumping" me with her lack of knowledge by using inflammatory prejudicial language. (I dealt with this in my divorce in court so nothing new to me.) i am using fact after fact after fact to get rid of the arguments. My sister may never come around. But if the family is disowning me, it is because they truly are not acting in a Christian manner or they are believing I am a hindrance to their "Christian" lifestyle. I will not allow or permit family actions to be taken because of Gretchen. Gretchen has done nothing wrong.

the difference between an educated individual and a "country boy" -- the educated individual cleans your wallet while the "country boy" cleans your "clock".

I disowned three sisters, kept the good one.... no worries.

Do I care what the other three say, think or believe?

[OnMyWayID 1,489]

I have been looking at WHY my sister reacted as she did. And yes it goes back decades. It is because I tried to be a passive person over things. Hope issues would just pass on by. But my sister took it as being a lame duck instead of being non-confrontational. My sister just wants me not to respond. She just wants me to go my own way and let her have the family. She probably will not even read my emails. But I will also let Dad and Mom know, plus our brother. When my Dad tells me I am out, then I am out, but not until then. Plus like I said, I let it go on for far too long. It is time to call the gander out, tell her like it is. then stand back and watch the fur fly. Then let everything settle back down to what it should be. or should have been a long time ago.

That is an excellent strategy if your goal is to permanently destroy any chance of having a relationship with your sister.

How about this strategy: Your sister made a numbered list of what she was upset about. While she is a bit of an extremest some of her points were understandable given the circumstances. Try saying something along these lines: "Hi sis, I understand you have some hard feelings about how I met my wife. I wish I would have handled the situation differently. To be honest with how thing have been the past two years I was nervous about making things even worse and let time march on until it was too late to do things the correct way. I can't change this past year but I want you to know that I do love my wife, and she loves me. I want want you to be part of my life. If you are ever ready to talk I would welcome hearing from you".

Someone in your family needs to offer the olive branch, forget about the past, and move forwards with humility and without making judgments.. A lot of time will probably be required. That is what a true leader would do.

Two more things: It is amazing how free you feel when everyone knows the truth and you no longer have to hide ... and: you can't be bugged that someone did not call you at Christmas if you did not also make the effort to call them.

[Tahoma 2,291]

It is time to call the gander out, tell her like it is. then stand back and watch the fur fly.

Around here, ganders have feathers. Never seen one with fur.

[gretchen_darren 67]

That is an excellent strategy if your goal is to permanently destroy any chance of having a relationship with your sister.

How about this strategy: Your sister made a numbered list of what she was upset about. While she is a bit of an extremest some of her points were understandable given the circumstances. Try saying something along these lines: "Hi sis, I understand you have some hard feelings about how I met my wife. I wish I would have handled the situation differently. To be honest with how thing have been the past two years I was nervous about making things even worse and let time march on until it was too late to do things the correct way. I can't change this past year but I want you to know that I do love my wife, and she loves me. I want want you to be part of my life. If you are ever ready to talk I would welcome hearing from you".

Someone in your family needs to offer the olive branch, forget about the past, and move forwards with humility and without making judgments.. A lot of time will probably be required. That is what a true leader would do.

Two more things: It is amazing how free you feel when everyone knows the truth and you no longer have to hide ... and: you can't be bugged that someone did not call you at Christmas if you did not also make the effort to call them.

thanks...this is probably what i need to do.... i have been letting myself "cool down" from the letter last week so I could think clearly and respond properly. It has been hard to really be objectionable this last week. I have been hearing people on here but I have just been so upset.

tonight I spent time reading a poster in the hallway here at home... some saying on it "he who forgives ends a quarrel", "he who throws mud loses ground", "diplomacy is the act of letting someone else get your way", "Patience is the art of counting down without blasting off." "Patience is a lot of wait" "It is much easier to be critical then to be correct." "if you can laugh at it, you can live with it." "If your dreams turn to dust.... vacuum" "if you want your dreams to come true, don't oversleep." i am finally starting to calm down and be able to respond as I need to....not as a "hothead" should. I do not need to go "hysterically historical" as I have stated things on here... I need to respond to her issues without going into the past.... As people have stated, I need to win my sister over, not push her and the family away....I need to start taking the same tact with my family as i have with my children...just love them. say nothing bad about anyone, and let things develop as they may.

Something i am writing is: "Sis, you know I tried to make my first marriage work. However, when my oldest son came to me and said you and mom argue all the time. this is an agrument house. then my ex asked to leave. I had to weigh if we were setting a good example for the kids for their futures. It was hard to accept facts as they came. it was even harder in talking to multiple pastors and hearing the same thing, to accept the divorce. In courting Gretchen, and bringing Gretchen to America, yes, I did not tell the family. I was trying to be conscious of Grant and Jared. Show Grant and Jared a loving caring Christian home. i want to set a good role model of a family to my sons. Gretchen also wants this as well. Gretchen encourages us to go to church and get involved. did you know the Bible word for "helpmate" actually translates to "ally" and "shield". Helpmate refers to God as much as it refers to God presenting Eve as a helpmate to Adam. Watch the video of the wedding. I found many things me and Gretchen had talked about referenced in the wedding without the pastor knowing those references. the marriage is a union of being the ally and shield to the other. Although there may be a huge age difference. I have yet to find the maturity Gretchen possesses in women twice her age. Gretchen is a true helpmate to me. I only hope you give her a chance to get to know her as I do.' then I go into other things about her arguments and the truth regarding the arguments.

[Hank_ 9,174]

... too much mud and not enough vaccuming... more or less. IMHO Just forgive (and forget as well) and move on... you are like a dog with a bone with this obsession to "conquer" your sister.

Not sure how you can build a future with Gretchen while you head is stuck in the past.

[Crashed~N2~Me 970]

Something i am writing is: "Sis, you know I tried to make my first marriage work. However, when my oldest son came to me and said you and mom argue all the time. this is an agrument house. then my ex asked to leave. I had to weigh if we were setting a good example for the kids for their futures. It was hard to accept facts as they came. it was even harder in talking to multiple pastors and hearing the same thing, to accept the divorce. In courting Gretchen, and bringing Gretchen to America, yes, I did not tell the family. I was trying to be conscious of Grant and Jared. Show Grant and Jared a loving caring Christian home. i want to set a good role model of a family to my sons. Gretchen also wants this as well. Gretchen encourages us to go to church and get involved. did you know the Bible word for "helpmate" actually translates to "ally" and "shield". Helpmate refers to God as much as it refers to God presenting Eve as a helpmate to Adam. Watch the video of the wedding. I found many things me and Gretchen had talked about referenced in the wedding without the pastor knowing those references. the marriage is a union of being the ally and shield to the other. Although there may be a huge age difference. I have yet to find the maturity Gretchen possesses in women twice her age. Gretchen is a true helpmate to me. I only hope you give her a chance to get to know her as I do.' then I go into other things about her arguments and the truth regarding the arguments.

Yes yes...and if and's and but's were candy and nuts we'd all be set for Christmas.

Instead of typing out the story...I present it in a vid. Please watch it.

A scorpion does what is in it's nature.

Darren;

It's cool you want to take the high road and be the bigger man and all that rah rah hooplah. It's a great idea.

BUT....

Your sample letter...you are opening yourself up for lenghty debate...the topics you provide include... past, present and future. You are trying to make excuses fo your behavior, rationalizations and.... you are seeking forgiveness and acceptance.

Remember..you are not having an open minded discussion with a dear friend. IMO...this situation...less is more. State your case and move on. IMO...here's your outline...Tell your sister you forgive her. Tell her that you will always love her and desire a relationship with her. Tell her you love and respect your wife as she does you. Tell her your wife and marriage are top priority and your duty in life. Tell her...You are not surprised by her lack of understanding but it is what it is. Thanks for your prayers as you always pray for her too. Good luck. God bless...yada yada done....

(personally...I would snap a pic of my wife and I shooting double birds. Put the pic in a cheap Walmart frame... include it with my ...Go F urself! u self righteous holy roller backwoods hick! ...(clear throat) peace maker letter. but...That's me ...not you.)

BTW...I (also) think it is (way past) damn time you stop talking about your ex-wife. I feel sorry for your wife. How many times does she get to hear about your past? When is enough? I think it is very discourteous and insensitive of you. I wish, for her and your marriage, you stop it.

Geeez...you are quite a trouble maker. Be strong and stop all this nonsense.

... too much mud and not enough vaccuming... more or less. IMHO Just forgive (and forget as well) and move on... you are like a dog with a bone with this obsession to "conquer" your sister.

Not sure how you can build a future with Gretchen while you head is stuck in the past.

Less is more.

Edited December 28, 2011 by Crashed~N2~Me

[A and T 82]

Well, the word is out to my parents and fmaily, I am married to a Filipina. Waiting to see the results and where it goes. It will either be good or bad....Waiting to see and to hear..... Right now my parents know I have girlfriend. (from talking with my cousin Bob (his wife carol). Going to their place Sunday for Christmas Dinner. (asked if I could bring a friend along, told them her name is Gretchen. witnin hours my mom was calling me.) Gretchen will start meeting the family. Nothing like shocking the family at Christmas. Ho ho ho.....

Why hide it from your family? I mean, its your choice might as well told them ahead of time and been proud of the decision you made. Regardless i hope it wont pressure her too much