Wanting advice to do things right!

[VanessaTony 3,567]

And as far as marrying someones family..NO! Like it or not that's their belief, not mine. I'm not on that country, I'm here. My dad always said, "Everybody has their own rules, and we live by them!"

I completely understand and completely agree BUT Jim is right. When you marry someone from the Philippines, especially a girl, you are marrying their family as well. I don't know if you've discussed it but you should... I've attached a few threads for you to read. There's a few of them but they should give you an insight into what you're in for.

- http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/338298-arguments-about-sending-money-back-home/

- http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/341768-reporting-marriage-to-philippines/

- http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/280345-sending-money-to-your-wifes-family-for-hospital-expenses/

- http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/229124-married-filipinos-who-send-money-to-family-back-in-philippines/

- http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/286703-who-are-the-filipinas-here-that-received-money-before-getting-married-to-their-foreign-fiance-and-sending-money-when-they-got-here-in-us/

- http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/286702-filipinos-and-saving-money-for-retirement/

- http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/307709-am-i-cheap/

- http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/291307-filipina-wife-issuesadvice-please/

- http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/312176-is-wife-employed-or-unemployed/

- http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/322507-best-way-to-teach-my-filipina-to-budget/

- http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/332742-sending-money-to-the-family-back-in-the-phils/

- http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/336819-love-doesnt-conquer-all/

- http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/326788-filipino-pregnancy-talk/

You should also ask her about a "balikbayan box" which is sending stuff (not actually money, but clothing, homewares etc) to her family.

Her mother had 10 kids you said. That means you could be expected to help support her 9 siblings, her MANY neices and nephews, her parents, her grandparents (probably also the family in the US). You have to set boundaries from the beginning (as those threads would have shown you) and not send too much. A common thing is them needing money for "medical bills" or other house bills. There was some really mean ones where a guy divorced his wife because he came home from work to find her trying to send money from his account to her family after they'd already discussed it and when he asked "#######" she flipped out. There was another where the wife didn't know her family was scamming them until she found out the money they sent back for a business was used to by motorcycles and furniture and other stuff.

Anyway. Read up in the Philippines forum and even ask questions if you like about what you should expect and what questions you should be asking.

Edited December 21, 2011 by Vanessa&Tony

[VanessaTony 3,567]

You will most likely be expected to send money and gifts back home to her family on a semi-regular basis and if you're not up for that, you need to tell her. Some girls are different, there's the occasional one on here who doesn't abide by the "support the family" thing but many do.

[Julias and Linda 0]

You will most likely be expected to send money and gifts back home to her family on a semi-regular basis and if you're not up for that, you need to tell her. Some girls are different, there's the occasional one on here who doesn't abide by the "support the family" thing but many do.

Very much appreciated! I am familiar with a couple cases of this happening to my friends. I have a few things going for me though...1. Her parents already passed away. 2.only two or three of her brothers a still in her country and the rest live here. 3. She is one of the good girls who wouldn't expect that. 4. I already told her early on that I am not able to help my own family and certainly am not helping scammers or lazy people, regardless if she is related to these types. I can be some what abrasive when it comes to these types of issues. I am quick to tell someone this is my country and your in it. I didn't go to her country to live, so..house rules baby!!! I am the non-traditional type.

But all sarcasm aside, Lacey is perhaps the most beautiful, kind hearted, genuine person I have ever met. Only real problem is that she is ultra-sensitive. Am I to believe this is part of her cultural background? Do couples in the Philippines not have a sense of humor? Do they not use mild curse words? Do they life without disagreement? I used to smirk when I heard someone say they felt they were walking on eggshells! Now I feel like I am. Cant crack a joke. can't swear, can't drink, can't even go out with my friends. I am afraid to answer her questions about how many girls have I dated or how many girls have I brought to my house...really? I jokingly told her if she was going to live like a Nun, she should have been one. That was an example of a joke most girls would have laughed about or had a come back line, but I was accused of belittling her! The other day I jokingly asked her who do you think you are? That cost me 2 days of silence and she was considering ending things because she said I was "striking" at her! I tried till I was blue in the face to explain it was a simple phrase but she wouldn't except it. She claims that I am abusing her when I say things like that to her.

It's really not funny because I want to please her. I try to adjust to her way of thinking but sometimes I want to risk upsetting her for the satisfaction of saying, "grow up, it's only a joke, learn to laugh and have fun!" But I am seriously wondering if I am violating her moral ethics by merely being an every day American guy? Is it her individuality? Or is this the society she was raised in? I know all humans aren't cast from the same mold regardless of their nationality, but is it fair to say it has something to do with her social upbringing? Unmarried at 35 simply because her older brother told her she can't marry yet! Is this real? Perhaps the attraction to her is tht she is nearly perfect in all aspects, except it puts her way out of balance for trying to live in the US. We shall see. I am learning to just keep my mouth shut, never disagree with her, never try to educate her, never ask anything from her, never joke around, ...pretty much I make a good puppet! I still love her!

In closing I will add that it's hilarious that after all the adjusting I go through, she makes me promise that I will never try to change who she is! "I promise dear! I would never ask you to change, I'll just change everything about me to and the world your living in to suit your needs..hahahah" Seriously, all I have to do is say I promise and she is satisfied! Thanks everyone, I love this site. It is a great window to the truth!

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Very much appreciated! I am familiar with a couple cases of this happening to my friends. I have a few things going for me though...1. Her parents already passed away. 2.only two or three of her brothers a still in her country and the rest live here. 3. She is one of the good girls who wouldn't expect that. 4. I already told her early on that I am not able to help my own family and certainly am not helping scammers or lazy people, regardless if she is related to these types. I can be some what abrasive when it comes to these types of issues. I am quick to tell someone this is my country and your in it. I didn't go to her country to live, so..house rules baby!!! I am the non-traditional type.

But all sarcasm aside, Lacey is perhaps the most beautiful, kind hearted, genuine person I have ever met. Only real problem is that she is ultra-sensitive. Am I to believe this is part of her cultural background? Do couples in the Philippines not have a sense of humor? Do they not use mild curse words? Do they life without disagreement? I used to smirk when I heard someone say they felt they were walking on eggshells! Now I feel like I am. Cant crack a joke. can't swear, can't drink, can't even go out with my friends. I am afraid to answer her questions about how many girls have I dated or how many girls have I brought to my house...really? I jokingly told her if she was going to live like a Nun, she should have been one. That was an example of a joke most girls would have laughed about or had a come back line, but I was accused of belittling her! The other day I jokingly asked her who do you think you are? That cost me 2 days of silence and she was considering ending things because she said I was "striking" at her! I tried till I was blue in the face to explain it was a simple phrase but she wouldn't except it. She claims that I am abusing her when I say things like that to her.

It's really not funny because I want to please her. I try to adjust to her way of thinking but sometimes I want to risk upsetting her for the satisfaction of saying, "grow up, it's only a joke, learn to laugh and have fun!" But I am seriously wondering if I am violating her moral ethics by merely being an every day American guy? Is it her individuality? Or is this the society she was raised in? I know all humans aren't cast from the same mold regardless of their nationality, but is it fair to say it has something to do with her social upbringing? Unmarried at 35 simply because her older brother told her she can't marry yet! Is this real? Perhaps the attraction to her is tht she is nearly perfect in all aspects, except it puts her way out of balance for trying to live in the US. We shall see. I am learning to just keep my mouth shut, never disagree with her, never try to educate her, never ask anything from her, never joke around, ...pretty much I make a good puppet! I still love her!

In closing I will add that it's hilarious that after all the adjusting I go through, she makes me promise that I will never try to change who she is! "I promise dear! I would never ask you to change, I'll just change everything about me to and the world your living in to suit your needs..hahahah" Seriously, all I have to do is say I promise and she is satisfied! Thanks everyone, I love this site. It is a great window to the truth!

There is this thing I've read about called "tampo" (http://www.filipinawives.com/Tampo.htm) that apparently Filipino women do but I personally consider to be manipulation.

I would say part of her behaviour would be cultural (see tampo reference above), part her family upbringing and part her own sense of entitlement.

I must admit I know you were joking about a lot of stuff (or making it seem that way) but I see an awful lot of compromise on your part and none on hers. She sounds totally unreasonable and like your life would eventually suck quite a bit.

I also must admit that you seem to be being emotionally abused. People who are abused don't really notice it. It starts off as a grooming process. It started like that with my ex. Just a couple of things here and there that made me want to try harder, eventually I was walking on eggshells and I got more and more resentful but we lived together and had a lease, I thought I should stick it out until the end of the lease. After we broke up I realised how much I had complained to friends and family and how sick they had got of my complaining then just going back for more (though at the time I didn't see it). In the beginning the compromises didn't seem like big deals, eventually I was working 10 hour days while he sat at home on the computer (he was getting money from his family - international student). He wouldn't go to the mailbox to check the mail (he didn't "go that way"), couldn't be arsed driving to get groceries, wouldn't take the bin down (he didn't "go that way"). I wasn't allowed to go to bed after him (had to be the same time) as the mattress my movements of the blankets woke him. If I didn't get up when he did it was my fault he was late for stuff. I was doing school online and had to attend campus for lab tests he didn't want to be left alone in the house and I was forced to cancel the class (luckily without penalty)... and that's just the stuff I remember.

You can't promise her that you'll never try to change her because you DO want her to change a little and you also need her to in order for you to be truly happy (I think). I know it's hard to find someone you thought was perfect and then the flaws come through, that's usually what happens. Don't settle for near-perfect, when you deserve someone perfect for you. I never thought I'd find someone so similar in values to myself, and to the childish "my husband needs to be like this" list I made when I was little, the funniest part was I even got the accent (and I hadn't seen the list since I wrote it years ago).

Best of luck.

[MalaysianGirl 26]

But all sarcasm aside, Lacey is perhaps the most beautiful, kind hearted, genuine person I have ever met. Only real problem is that she is ultra-sensitive. Am I to believe this is part of her cultural background? Do couples in the Philippines not have a sense of humor? Do they not use mild curse words? Do they life without disagreement? I used to smirk when I heard someone say they felt they were walking on eggshells! Now I feel like I am. Cant crack a joke. can't swear, can't drink, can't even go out with my friends. I am afraid to answer her questions about how many girls have I dated or how many girls have I brought to my house...really? I jokingly told her if she was going to live like a Nun, she should have been one. That was an example of a joke most girls would have laughed about or had a come back line, but I was accused of belittling her! The other day I jokingly asked her who do you think you are? That cost me 2 days of silence and she was considering ending things because she said I was "striking" at her! I tried till I was blue in the face to explain it was a simple phrase but she wouldn't except it. She claims that I am abusing her when I say things like that to her.

It's really not funny because I want to please her. I try to adjust to her way of thinking but sometimes I want to risk upsetting her for the satisfaction of saying, "grow up, it's only a joke, learn to laugh and have fun!" But I am seriously wondering if I am violating her moral ethics by merely being an every day American guy? Is it her individuality? Or is this the society she was raised in? I know all humans aren't cast from the same mold regardless of their nationality, but is it fair to say it has something to do with her social upbringing? Unmarried at 35 simply because her older brother told her she can't marry yet! Is this real? Perhaps the attraction to her is tht she is nearly perfect in all aspects, except it puts her way out of balance for trying to live in the US. We shall see. I am learning to just keep my mouth shut, never disagree with her, never try to educate her, never ask anything from her, never joke around, ...pretty much I make a good puppet! I still love her!

In closing I will add that it's hilarious that after all the adjusting I go through, she makes me promise that I will never try to change who she is! "I promise dear! I would never ask you to change, I'll just change everything about me to and the world your living in to suit your needs..hahahah" Seriously, all I have to do is say I promise and she is satisfied! Thanks everyone, I love this site. It is a great window to the truth!

Honestly, Julio, it sounds like she's got you hooked around her little finger. I'm sorry if that sounds mean, but that's the impression I got when I read the above post by you. The quotes in RED are worrying, and the quote in green... do you really want to marry a woman like that? A woman with whom you're a good puppet?! She sounds like she's manipulating you emotionally. You say she's beautiful and kind-hearted... But how can she be kind-hearted if she accuses you wrongly of abusing her and belittling her and striking her, when it seems like all you do is LOVE her? In your words: "I still love her!"

In time you will realize that it is IMPOSSIBLE to live with someone and never disagree with the person, to never try and teach (educate) that person, to never ask that person for anything, and to never joke around. What kind of relationship is that, I ask? An entirely boring and manipulative one.

*Le sigh*... Dear OP, I hope you do not misunderstand what I am saying. I hope you get what I mean!

Also, may I ask, when did you meet her? After she got married to her husband?

Lastly, PLEASE take into very careful consideration JimVaPhuong's advice. I wish you the very best, Julio!

Edited December 23, 2011 by MalaysianGirl

[JimVaPhuong 4,863]

Julio, you really do need to learn about her country and her culture. You will never truly understand her if you don't, and if you don't understand her then you don't have a future together. You also need to separate what aspects of her come from her culture and what aspects are unique to her. You've mentioned already some things which are typical of Filipino women, and some things which are not at all typical.

Marriage always involves compromise. Likewise, everyone has lines they consider to be firmly drawn, and which they refuse to cross. You both need to learn as much about each other as possible, and learn what things each is willing to compromise on and what things each considers to be a line they refuse to cross. For example, if you insist on being able to have an occasional drink and go out with your friends, and she firmly refuses to accept that, then your relationship is doomed. This will require a lot more work than it would with an American girl, or even a girl from another Western country. Because of her culture she may be willing to compromise on things most American women would never tolerate, and may stand firm on things you consider somewhat trivial. You need to figure out if your lives can dovetail the way that they must in order for you to have a successful marriage.

I know you think it should be "house rules" because she's living in your country, but that's not realistic. She'll accept that she must live by American laws because she's in America, but it may be a very long time before she's willing to completely accept American culture. Given that she's in her mid 30's and a relative new arrival to the US, I suspect she'll never completely adopt American culture. You need to decide if you can live with this.

[TBoneTX 45,918]

I wholeheartedly agree with the three posts above.

OP, walking on eggshells is NO WAY to live a life.

Had I realized all the fundamental incompatibilities and genuine loud alarms that you've admitted above, I'd be running far and fast in the opposite direction. I'd make a ceremony of tearing up her correspondence to me over the trash can and then say aloud to myself, "Who's next?"

The title of your thread is "Wanting advice to do things right!" You've just received it.

Edited December 23, 2011 by TBoneTX

[Monday Jones 6]

If you were my brother or a close male friend, I would figure out the kindest way to say that you are getting conned.

Let's take three type of women. The first (Mary) is your stereotypical American woman who will put up with too much of men's bullshit. The second (Jane) won't put up with anything, and has great morals. The third (Lucy) will do anything to tie you down to her with lies and flattery. Jane is too proud to lie to you, and Mary isn't smart enough to do it. Let's take a few of the situations you've written about.

"I met a girl from the Philippines a few months ago and consider her to be my gift from God."

Mary would be flattered.

Jane would think you are crazy to know after just a few months.

Lucy would think she has you right where she wants you.

"Within a few short months Lacey separated from her abuser and appeared for her court case against him. He was sentenced for domestic violence and multiple violations of restraining order and jailed for some time. She has hard core police and court evidence of physical abuse."

Mary would give you every gory detail.

Jane would be too proud to give you every detail.

Lucy would be afraid to give you every detail.

"I have the highest level of respect for Lacey and am the more patient of the two of us."

Mary would be the impatient one.

Jane would be the one slowing you down.

Lucy wants to tie you down before you "wake up".

"Lacey seeks a man who will promise to marry and have children upon first meeting, I have agreed because I desire the same."

Mary wouldn't think to make you promise, but she might ask how you feel about it.

Jane would think it is too soon to talk about it.

Lucy wants to see how much of a sucker you are.

"Still wondering if divorce is something she pursues individually in the state she resides in through a hired lawyer, or if it's tied in with her legal aid/process forms she filed in the VAWA application?"

Mary would bury her head in the sand, hoping some man would rescue her.

Jane would know all that she needed to do, and wouldn't need to talk to you about it- because she is already taking care of her business.

Lucy would use the situation to get your sympathy and help.

"Would you believe I offended her terribly when I explained to her that girls from her country actually do that for citizenship?"

Mary would already know that this is what other women do. She may say that *she* would never do that.

Jane would act like that was none of her business, but wouldn't be offended.

Lucy would act upset that you are insulting *her*- a little too close to home!

"She wanted to go back to her country after the abuse, not stay here, but had no where to go, no money, and a daughter."

First off, in all your posts, you mention this daughter ONCE.

Mary would've gone back to her support system, here in the states or not.

Jane would've gone back to her support system, here in the states or not.

Lucy would look around and see what her best options are, here in the states or not.

"Lacey refuses to ever work because her culture, the man works and the woman plays on the internet all day."

I hardly doubt that her mother played on the internet all day (or the equivalent back then) when she had 10 children to raise.

Mary would never be smart enough to con a man into supporting her, so she would have to work.

Jane would be too proud to not work.

Lucy would say anything so she wouldn't have to work.

"She has also refused most of what I have offered her because she wants nothing but love."

Mary would take everything you gave her, and want more.

Jane would take only what she felt comfortable taking.

Lucy would take only what she thought you would think Jane would feel comfortable taking.

"She has told the relatives she lives with that she wants to go live in a shelter because she doesn't want to be a burden on them."

Mary would live with her relatives until she got sick of them.

Jane would have a job yesterday.

Lucy would tell her relatives in a dramatic manner how she didn't want to be a burden on them so they wouldn't kick her out.

"Lacey is kind, gentle, and wants nothing outside of love, and I want to give it to her."

Mary would ask for a relationship too soon.

Jane would have her own life and wouldn't need a man to complete her.

Lucy would say anything to get you trapped.

"Lacey thinks if a man has a job, he is rich."

Mary would be happy she doesn't have to support her man.

Jane wouldn't accept a man she had to support.

Lucy reveal her narrow-minded-ness in unguarded moments like these.

"It's rare that I get her to open up about anything and I hate to ask."

Mary would tell you too much.

Jane would tell you only what is your business.

Lucy would tell you everything that would make you feel sorry for her.

"As for her working, I still notice she gets almost offended about the topic. Lacey admitted that despite the facts her relatives say not to marry a man that wants her to work, she doesn't take their advice."

Mary secretly wishes she didn't have to work.

Jane works because she has self-respect.

Lucy contradicts herself by saying one thing *but actually does the other*.

"Lacey is perhaps the most beautiful, kind hearted, genuine person I have ever met. Only real problem is that she is ultra-sensitive."

Mary is unattractive because she is needy.

Jane is attractive because she is a challenge.

Lucy makes you jump through hoops because she knows the more emotionally invested you are, the less you will pull away because you have already have sunk costs in the relationship.

"Cant crack a joke. can't swear, can't drink, can't even go out with my friends. I am afraid to answer her questions about how many girls have I dated or how many girls have I brought to my house...really?"

Mary may pout about it, but knows she can't change you.

Jane doesn't notice you are gone because she is out at her pottery class that night.

Lucy has to control you so you won't see her real self for as long as possible.

"The other day I jokingly asked her who do you think you are? That cost me 2 days of silence and she was considering ending things because she said I was "striking" at her!"

Mary wouldn't be clever enough to pull this bullshit.

Jane would be too proud to pull this bullshit.

Lucy would make herself look like the victim so you would have to protect her.

"Unmarried at 35 simply because her older brother told her she can't marry yet!"

But she is married!

Mary and Jane might pay token lip service to their brother, but will live their own lives.

Lucy would say whatever it took to get your sympathy.

"I am learning to just keep my mouth shut, never disagree with her, never try to educate her, never ask anything from her, never joke around, ...pretty much I make a good puppet! I still love her!"

Mary and Jane would dump you because you sound like a loser. Lucy would think she has you right where she wants you. And she does.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

Topic has been moved from AOS forum to The Effects of Major Family Changes on Immigration Benefits forum as a more appropriate location for this discussion.