Emotional Time For My Fiancee: Dealing With Moving To Another Country

[maning 36]

Hey guys,

I just hope others can offer some advice and speak from their experiences how they handled moving to another country.

Yesterday, I was talking to my fiancee online and everything was going great, but then the conversation moved to our life together in the US and how I was excited to be with her. She sort of got emotional about it and told me I didn't understand what she was going through and the reality of the situation really hit her the other day. She later apologized and told me it wasn't my fault. She told me that everything just hit her... she was moving to a foreign country and leaving her family, friends, culture, everything behind that she knew all her life to move to foreign country that she doesn't know everything about and only people she knows are me, my family, and a few friends scattered across the USA.

She was telling me how it was hard to pack her boxes (I brought back 2 already) because how could she fit everything she owns or want to bring with her in two 50 pound boxes. Her life basically had to fit in these little boxes... and when she was explaining this to me, it hit me that she is sacrificing a lot to be with me.

She gets emotionally attached to things, like when she had to sell/give away all our belongings in our apartment (We have been together for almost 7 years, me going back and forth...) she cried over it because that apartment basically was filled with memories. Everything we bought in that apartment... we had a story to go along with it. I didn't realize how emotional she was over it and being a guy I told her that it was just material things and to just get rid of it. The entire time I was consumed by the whole visa process and wanting us to be approved that I ignored the fact that she was leaving everything behind just for me.

When we got approved I was so happy, but I didn't want to rush her to go to the USA, so I told her to spend time with her family for Christmas, New Year's, and even the month of January. I didn't want to rush her to be with me and get homesick during the process, so I told her we are going to take this slowly so she can adjust. She told me she wants to go here after New Year's, but right now I'm not making any plans and we will take this one step at a time.

I've read posts on here where guys were rushing to get their fiancees over to the US even when their visas were not on hand... I understand how everyone wants to be with their loved ones, but it's also scary for our fiancees...

How can I make this easier for her?

Edited December 16, 2011 by maning

[Dean_De 61]

Hey guys,

I just hope others can offer some advice and speak from their experiences how they handled moving to another country.

Yesterday, I was talking to my fiancee online and everything was going great, but then the conversation moved to our life together in the US and how I was excited to be with her. She sort of got emotional about it and told me I didn't understand what she was going through and the reality of the situation really hit her the other day. She later apologized and told me it wasn't my fault. She told me that everything just hit her... she was moving to a foreign country and leaving her family, friends, culture, everything behind that she knew all her life to move to foreign country that she doesn't know everything about and only people she knows are me, my family, and a few friends scattered across the USA.

She was telling me how it was hard to pack her boxes (I brought back 2 already) because how could she fit everything she owns or want to bring with her in two 50 pound boxes. Her life basically had to fit in these little boxes... and when she was explaining this to me, it hit me that she is sacrificing a lot to be with me.

She gets emotionally attached to things, like when she had to sell/give away all our belongings in our apartment (We have been together for almost 7 years, me going back and forth...) she cried over it because that apartment basically was filled with memories. Everything we bought in that apartment... we had a story to go along with it. I didn't realize how emotional she was over it and being a guy I told her that it was just material things and to just get rid of it. The entire time I was consumed by the whole visa process and wanting us to be approved that I ignored the fact that she was leaving everything behind just for me.

When we got approved I was so happy, but I didn't want to rush her to go to the USA, so I told her to spend time with her family for Christmas, New Year's, and even the month of January. I didn't want to rush her to be with me and get homesick during the process, so I told her we are going to take this slowly so she can adjust. She told me she wants to go here after New Year's, but right now I'm not making any plans and we will take this one step at a time.

I've read posts on here where guys were rushing to get their fiancees over to the US even when their visas were not on hand... I understand how everyone wants to be with their loved ones, but it's also scary for our fiancees...

How can I make this easier for her?

Being emotional about leaving the country is really difficult, everyday it gets closer to leaving is like crushing us. It's not really the fear of being in a foreign land but being away from the people who had been there all the time especially when troubles are great. It is nice to be somewhere new, Yes, but knowing that it will take an UNKNOWN time of being able to set our feet back to the land we are born is also something we miss, the culture which is just unique to the Philippines not so much with the food coz we can somewhat find Filipino / Asian store here in the US - how to make things easier for her? - Well, here's what my husband do to help me adjust here:

1. He let me talk to my kids and family / friends in skype...with the time difference of Philippines and here, my husband doesn't complain if I am on skype even if he is sleepy, he can't sleep w/o me - so he waits, but I try not to make him sacrifice a lot. I understand he needs to work the next day and I prepare our breakfast

2. He makes sure I don't get bored just at the house, he always ask me if I wanna go out.

3. He makes sure that the internet is of good speed for me to go online and watch live stream videos of the TV programs in the Philippines. I normally do it when he is at work.

4. Even if we are together, we still keep in touch regular with emails.

5. He makes me be part of the finances...like budgeting and other things.

6. To ADD: Books, cooking, and also not being lazy doing the chores will keep her mind busy.

This is how I manage homesickness here with my husbands help....I know I can't wait to be able to work, but if and when I get my EAD, I sure will spread my wings and work

You only can be there to support her and do your best but she need to try hard to defy the difficult feeling of being away from home and finding a new home here and starting up a new life and family which we dream to have.

[Frank and Racquel 18]

Hey guys,

I just hope others can offer some advice and speak from their experiences how they handled moving to another country.

Yesterday, I was talking to my fiancee online and everything was going great, but then the conversation moved to our life together in the US and how I was excited to be with her. She sort of got emotional about it and told me I didn't understand what she was going through and the reality of the situation really hit her the other day. She later apologized and told me it wasn't my fault. She told me that everything just hit her... she was moving to a foreign country and leaving her family, friends, culture, everything behind that she knew all her life to move to foreign country that she doesn't know everything about and only people she knows are me, my family, and a few friends scattered across the USA.

She was telling me how it was hard to pack her boxes (I brought back 2 already) because how could she fit everything she owns or want to bring with her in two 50 pound boxes. Her life basically had to fit in these little boxes... and when she was explaining this to me, it hit me that she is sacrificing a lot to be with me.

She gets emotionally attached to things, like when she had to sell/give away all our belongings in our apartment (We have been together for almost 7 years, me going back and forth...) she cried over it because that apartment basically was filled with memories. Everything we bought in that apartment... we had a story to go along with it. I didn't realize how emotional she was over it and being a guy I told her that it was just material things and to just get rid of it. The entire time I was consumed by the whole visa process and wanting us to be approved that I ignored the fact that she was leaving everything behind just for me.

When we got approved I was so happy, but I didn't want to rush her to go to the USA, so I told her to spend time with her family for Christmas, New Year's, and even the month of January. I didn't want to rush her to be with me and get homesick during the process, so I told her we are going to take this slowly so she can adjust. She told me she wants to go here after New Year's, but right now I'm not making any plans and we will take this one step at a time.

I've read posts on here where guys were rushing to get their fiancees over to the US even when their visas were not on hand... I understand how everyone wants to be with their loved ones, but it's also scary for our fiancees...

How can I make this easier for her?

Get on a plane Dec 30th and surprise her for New Years Eve and start the new year, the new life off together and escort her here to USA , a personal escort by her ever loving Soulmate and best friend. Don't let her travel 20+ hours alone.

Edited December 16, 2011 by Frank and Racquel

[Hank_ 9,174]

Being emotional about leaving the country is really difficult, everyday it gets closer to leaving is like crushing us. It's not really the fear of being in a foreign land but being away from the people who had been there all the time especially when troubles are great. It is nice to be somewhere new, Yes, but knowing that it will take an UNKNOWN time of being able to set our feet back to the land we are born is also something we miss, the culture which is just unique to the Philippines not so much with the food coz we can somewhat find Filipino / Asian store here in the US - how to make things easier for her? - Well, here's what my husband do to help me adjust here:

1. He let me talk to my kids and family / friends in skype...with the time difference of Philippines and here, my husband doesn't complain if I am on skype even if he is sleepy, he can't sleep w/o me - so he waits, but I try not to make him sacrifice a lot. I understand he needs to work the next day and I prepare our breakfast

2. He makes sure I don't get bored just at the house, he always ask me if I wanna go out.

3. He makes sure that the internet is of good speed for me to go online and watch live stream videos of the TV programs in the Philippines. I normally do it when he is at work.

4. Even if we are together, we still keep in touch regular with emails.

5. He makes me be part of the finances...like budgeting and other things.

6. To ADD: Books, cooking, and also not being lazy doing the chores will keep her mind busy.

This is how I manage homesickness here with my husbands help....I know I can't wait to be able to work, but if and when I get my EAD, I sure will spread my wings and work

You only can be there to support her and do your best but she need to try hard to defy the difficult feeling of being away from home and finding a new home here and starting up a new life and family which we dream to have.

Tell more more about streaming TV shows from the Phils. I already stream netflix, vudu, hulu, crackle so adding one more would be a breeze.

Thanks

[Frank and Racquel 18]

Tell more more about streaming TV shows from the Phils. I already stream netflix, vudu, hulu, crackle so adding one more would be a breeze.

Thanks

Direct TV has a Pinoy package, like 15 or more Pinoy stations avail.

[KLS2010 30]

I understand a little bit about how your fiancee feels in all this. I was much the same way. About a month before my interview it hit me that I would soon be leaving all my family and friends, and everything I know and understand. It was extremely daunting to think about moving to a new country where I don't understand how everyday things work - like recognising money, driving, health care system, insurance, working, etc. All of that on top of not knowing anyone outside of my husband and his family. And this is from the point of view of an Australian - culturally the US and Australia are somewhat similar - so I can't even imgaine how much harder it would be for someone coming from a completely different culture and speaking another language.

I have been in the US for about 4mths now - and it is still hard adjusting. For about the first month or so I was miserable. I felt isolated and trapped...I didn't know anyone and I couldn't go anywhere without my husband because there is no public transport here. It was/is a completely strange feeling for someone like me who was totally independant in Australia - I had a job, a car, was paying off a house, etc - to have to rely on my husband to do even simple things like getting groceries.

Dean_De's suggestions are very good.

To help me out my husband got me a phone where I can make unlimited calls to my family in Australia - I talk to my mother and grandmother at least once a week. We also have Skype so we can see each other too. I have a car now so I don't feel so trapped now - but before that my husband would make an effort to get me out of the house when he got home from work - wether it was to go to the movies, or a store, or to eat out, or even just to drive around the local neighbourhoods so I could get my bearings and learn where things were. Sometimes I would even go with him to work for the day - again - it helped me to learn about the new city I'm living in.

Once she settles in - maybe your fiancee could take a class at a local community college in something that she is interested in? It would be a good way for her to learn something new and also make some of her own friends that have similar interests. If there is a large Filipino population where you live - maybe try and find out if there are groups that meet up. Or maybe there are other VJ members (whether Filipino or otherwise) that live near you that she can talk to and/or meet.

Just try to assure her that you understand what she is giving up in her home country - but try to also let her know about everything she will be gaining by starting a new life with you in the US.

I wish you both the best and hope your fiancee settles in ok eventually.

[Psoas10 17]

The biggest problem my wife had is that period between getting here and getting here AOS approved. This can be anywhere from 3 to 9 months depending on many factors. So during this time, she can't work, drive and will be stuck at home, unless you don't have to work. So working out this period with her is important. Lucky for me my wife has some family and friends here already. Also the culture shock is not so bad here, in fact Kanos usually have a harder time than Filipino immigrants. The best things to do, is set up TFC or GMA on cable or the computer. Try to spend as much time with her as possible after work. You can set up skype or yahoo messenger or chika. Also try find out about local Filipino groups and where to get Filipino food.

[beejay 125]

Sounds like you're doing what you should be doing - listening to her, being respectful of her feelings, validating her reasons for feeling that way. I think it's great you are not rushing her (or taking it personally). If after the holidays she is still having trouble I would just tell her that nothing is permanent and if she hates it you're not going to make her live someplace she hates. Maybe even have a discussion about what a reasonable amount of time might be to give it a chance (the ups and downs from the first few months might not be the most fair judgment). Having a discussion about when opportunities for trips home might be possible could help ease her mind. I think the more she's able to develop 'a life' in her new country (whatever that may mean - job, hobbies, daily routines, activities together, most definitley her own friends) the more it will be easier for her to adjust. Ties to her homeland are important but I don't think one should neglect making ties to the new country.

Of course every relationship is different and ultimately you know what is best for your relationship. These are just my suggestions.

Best wishes!

[Dean_De 61]

Direct TV has a Pinoy package, like 15 or more Pinoy stations avail.

I watch online video streaming of live TV programs ( plus some filipino movies - for free ) from the Philippines so no need for additional expenses just for that

[Frank and Racquel 18]

I watch online video streaming of live TV programs ( plus some filipino movies - for free ) from the Philippines so no need for additional expenses just for that

ok im gonna try that for Racquel, the direct tv package is like 40 dollars a month.

[Hank_ 9,174]

I found these both stream off the internet, but both require a "box" and charge a monthly fee.

http://pinoyipqubetv.com/ http://www.tfcnowonline.com/

What are some of the URLs for getting access to free streaming?

[gretchen_darren 67]

my wife has been here for nearly 3 months now. I spent from January to September preparing for her to be here. It was a lot for me to do. I visited her in the philippines 3 times in total. Each time I took presents back for hte fmaily and for her. The key was, I took her clothes to wear each time, and clothes to giveaway.

1) I also spent time finding Filipinos and Filipinas in town.

2) I spent time being ready for everything. Having TFC (check your local cable as well as DirectV, you can also subscribe to TFc online for a small amount per month.)

3) Make sure to know food she likes and find the markets where to go.

4) talk about her life there, and the friends, family. Spend time getting to know them as well.

5) talk about life when she comes here. What it will be like. Tell her your schedule and things you do daily. Make her a part of your life.

6) find friends of hers who have recently come over. Make sure they talk.

7) Encourage her. If there are items she wants find a way to ship them to America. It won't be easy, but it will help.

8) Go and escort her back. take only as little as you need (overnight bag if possible.) Let her use your luggage allowance for her items. (This was not necessary for my wife, but because I took a lot of clothes for her to see and show to her family, we needed it.)

9) tkae lots of photos of places you spend together. Show her places here.

10) Talk to your work, find a way to work from home for a few days afte rgetting back or a couple of days a week for a while.

11) Find Filipina friends who can spend time with her, or friends you can drop her off to visit while you work. Filipinos are very social. Even now, my filipina is still missing the social interaction. But she is doing well.

12) Do not let her travel alone.

Many many other things I can say. But most important, know what she is going though when getting here. Know what you went through the first time in visiting a foreign country. Be there for her as she has been for you.

[Wally G! 58]

In regards to your Fiance's belongings. She can ship her belongs or pack her belongs without getting duty taxes.

Read these documentations. If you have question you can contact U.S. Customs and Board Protection.

http://www.cbp.gov/linkhandler/cgov/newsroom/publications/travel/moving_goods.ctt/moving.doc

https://help.cbp.gov/app/answers/detail/a_id/421/kw/moving/session/L3NpZC9naTFiQ0lMaw%3D%3D/p/0/c/0

https://help.cbp.gov/app/answers/list/kw/moving/p/0/c/0

https://help.cbp.gov/app/answers/detail/a_id/107/search/1

http://forms.cbp.gov/pdf/CBP_Form_3299.pdf

U.S. Customs and Board Protection Questions/Customer Service

(04/30/2010)For general CBP inquiries, please call the CBP INFO Center Monday-Friday, between 8:30 a.m. and 5 p.m. Eastern Time.

General Inquiries: 1-877-CBP-5511

International Callers: (703) 526-4200Questions/Customer Service

(04/30/2010)For general CBP inquiries, please call the CBP INFO Center Monday-Friday, between 8:30 a.m. and 5 p.m. Eastern Time.

General Inquiries: 1-877-CBP-5511

International Callers: (703) 526-4200

[Kang 22]

If you do not want to spend much on cable, you can get her a subscription online for TFC and even Filipino movies

Are there local recreation classes in your areas? We have it here. Enroll her in one class so at least she'll meet people. Doesn't have to be Filipino. I think non-Filipino friends will be better and likely accelerate her "adaptation"

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Yesterday, I was talking to my fiancee online and everything was going great, but then the conversation moved to our life together in the US and how I was excited to be with her. She sort of got emotional about it and told me I didn't understand what she was going through and the reality of the situation really hit her the other day. She later apologized and told me it wasn't my fault. She told me that everything just hit her... she was moving to a foreign country and leaving her family, friends, culture, everything behind that she knew all her life to move to foreign country that she doesn't know everything about and only people she knows are me, my family, and a few friends scattered across the USA.

I've read posts on here where guys were rushing to get their fiancees over to the US even when their visas were not on hand... I understand how everyone wants to be with their loved ones, but it's also scary for our fiancees...

How can I make this easier for her?

A similar situation happened with my wife - it was really difficult to just walk away from family, friends, career. My wife was a dentist in Cebu and had her own clinic that her sisters (RN's working in Ireland) paid for. She had to sell her clinic and leave a career behind that she still to this day cannot practice here in the states.

All I can offer for advice is to really try to put yourself in her shoes. Perhaps write a well thought out message to her expressing your empathy for what she is going through. I wouldn't suggest you tell her this, but she also needs to accept that life is all about opening and closing doors - when we open one door and entering into something new, we're always leaving something behind. That's the bittersweet reality of life. Hopefully, she understands that but is just expressing her emotional difficulty in leaving something behind.

My wife's now been here in the states for over 4 years and hasn't had the opportunity to go back. She still misses her family and friends there, but she's also made a new life for herself here that she is fond of. That will happen for your fiancee as well, but it takes time and finding her Filipinos in your area will go a long way in helping her cope with the loss. Best wishes.

Edited December 19, 2011 by Mister Fancypants