Fiance Homesick, not adjusting well. HELP!!

[Fordnut74 1]

Met my Fiancee in Ethiopia a little over a year ago, fell in love and decided to she wanted to come back to the US with me to go to school, work and raise a family. We had a surprisingly quick K1 go through in about 5 months, start to Visa. I was sooo excited for when she got here, but now I think reality is setting in. I spent most of my savings going through the Immigration process, renting and furnishing a decent house and buying her a smaller car instead of my truck to learn to drive. We can afford to live, but I am in school so spare money is scarce. Well now she is here, has no friends, can't work, doesn't like Bend Oregon which is way smaller then she likes, and can't go to school. She is borderline depressed and it looks like it will take at least 3 months for the AOS and EAD to go through before she can start doing something. As a result, our relationship is quite strained already.

Has anyone else gone through this? How did you cope? I really want this to work but am having a very hard time being patient with her emotional withdrawl and almost pessimistic view which is in stark contrast to the woman I fell in love with.

Edited December 12, 2011 by Fordnut74

[AmyWrites 593]

Can you at least find a place where she can volunteer?

[patient2010 93]

Wow sorry to hear this is happening .....but have you thought about places she can go to volunteer? are there any other ethiopians in your area that she can mingle with. Do you have ethiopian things in the house like her food etc.....I know you are in school but have you guys on out to see Bend Oregon? like free stuff? Does she skype back home? I wish you well and just be patient with her everyone goes through a stage where they have a hard time adjusting some take longer than others but they will come around. Maybe while she is waiting on the AOS to go through you can help her put together a resume or maybe visit schools to see which will work best for her when she can start or talk about what career path she would like to take. I think all those things will help ease her boredom....Good luck

[rodceasar 34]

Unfortunately, this is a common experience. My wife is from Uganda and felt similarly, shortly after coming over to America. I spoke with a good friend who is from W. Africa, who told me that it usually takes about a year for adjustment. He was really telling the truth. My wife has become comfortable with life here, although it is still very difficult for her. You just need to comfort her and try to engage her in activities in your area and other things she can do when at home with or without you.

We have joined a good church which has helped alot. She still misses her family, friends, clubgoing, etc. There will be many challenges to come based on the culture shift, however you must go out of your way to assist her with meeting other people and having friends to converse. I live in N. Virgina where there is a huge Ethiopian population. Your wife would feel right at home here. However, there are virtually no Ugandans in the area except for one whom she met at church.

I would advise to keep Skype avialable along with many calling cards so that she can talk with her friends and not feel trapped here. Good luck and I am sure all will work out for ya!

Rodney

[jojolicious 38]

Adjusting is hard. She's given up everything she's known for a completely different life. If you weren't important to her she wouldn't have done it for you and if she wasn't important to you, you wouldn't have made the sacrifices you spoke about. It's important for both of you to keep the communication lines open and remember why you fell in love and took this route in the first place.

Talk to her, spend time with her outside of the house, help her to get acquainted with your family and friends, make it easier for her to communicate with her family and friends until she is in a position to work or go to school.

My hubby has dedicated Saturdays to me and what I want to do. I use blackberry messenger to talk to my sisters and girlfriends. My mother calls me everyday without fail. I spend a lot of time with my SIL and MIL. My hubby and I watch tv shows together on specific days so we look forward to doing that together. I try to find local foods to cook or close substitutes. These are just examples of what we did to help combat how I felt about being away from "home".

The first year is the toughest. Homesickness is overwhelming at first but as time goes by it'll become more bearable.

Don't give up. Continue to be patient with her. I wish you guys all the best and every happiness.

[Fordnut74 1]

Thank you guys so much. Sounds like time is really the only cure but it is nice to hear that is normal and we are not the only ones, and that it gets better. I am feeling guilty and didn't know how to help. And of course like any woman she loves to shop, but that is also out of the cards. On the bright side we will both be joining a local gym here soon and she is very excited about that, she has been talking with friends at home and that does help a lot. The volunteer thing is a great idea and I have already mentioned that. That would really help with some local job experience for resume time as well. We will try to start checking out some churches for sure. We have both given up a LOT for each other, and sometimes right now we are both asking "Why did we do this again?" Hopefully love wins out.

[rlogan 2,036]

Has anyone else gone through this? How did you cope? I really want this to work but am having a very hard time being patient with her emotional withdrawl and almost pessimistic view which is in stark contrast to the woman I fell in love with.

Ours was wonderful, other than the bizarre behavior from being pregnant. We live in a log cabin in the woods and rarely see other people, in contrast to where she lived before in the most densely populated city on the planet. You didn't mention if she has contact with her family through internet means. Mine talks daily to her family on yahoo chat. But the comment about working hard on your communication is extremely important. She has to let her feelings out, even if they are negative. Just getting them out is a relief. Once they are on the table you can begin work trying to make adjustments in your home life. Since you are going to school then presumably you will have a career that can take you to a different city and lifestyle more to her liking.

[EminTX 131]

Is she able to move about independantly without your presence to go shopping, go for walks, run to get a Coke, or whatever?

For me, when I am in the other country, I get cabin fever and hate being penned in or chaperoned all the time. It is a big deal for me to walk out the door when I am ready and not wait 90 minutes for someone else to take me somewhere. (I am perfectly capable, but no one there feels that I am safe alone. Sigh.)

This is the first thing that we will tackle when my other half gets here. We will explore on the bus, I will buy him a bike, and he will be getting a puppy that needs to be taken for walks. (The puppy is something he has asked for.) The pup will also provide companionship and is a great conversation starter amongst the other doggy people out with their dogs.

I don't want him to ever feel trapped. It is possible that this could be part of the problem. You can't exactly make friends if you don't have a chance to meet them.

Conversation Exchange might give you some options, too.

Conversation Exchange website

Edited December 17, 2011 by EminTX

[Krikit 1,165]

My first year here I was frustrated and angry and lost and lonely. During the second year I finally got through the adjustment process and settled down. Now I love it here and think of it as home.... but a different kind of home than my former home. Being a new immigrant is difficult, to say the least. You leave your home, your career, your family, and your friends. Back home, when you needed something you knew where to find it. When you were sick you went to the doctor you knew. When something went wrong, you knew who to call. Here, you know nothing. Moving to a new country is like becoming a child again. You are dependent on your new spouse for everything. We are raw from the pain of leaving our homes and loved ones and we are unfamiliar with the territory and the rules. When you move to the US you no longer exist. Having to visit State and Federal Offices to establish our existence, and cart around original documentation and explain our situation to every official; and, typically, having to explain the rules to that very same official who has the ability to approve or deny the next stage in our progress, is stressful and exhausting. My husband went out of his way to find grocery stores where I could get the international ingredients I am used to so I could make the meals I am used to. He even drove me around to every hairdresser in the area and had me go in to speak with them to get prices and see how comfortable I felt with them. Sounds like silly things, but when you're lost and alone it helps to have someone on your side.

I think it's great that you have recognized the problem and are reaching out for help. I know it's got to be awfully hard. Trust me, my husband's got the battlescars too. But it sure goes a long way to have your spouse understand that it's not about whatever the issue-du-jour is. It's about loneliness and heartache and frustration. Don't try to fix things for her. Just listen and hug her and love her and tell her that you understand. I think that's the biggest healer of them all.

[San & Dave 0]

My first year here I was frustrated and angry and lost and lonely. During the second year I finally got through the adjustment process and settled down. Now I love it here and think of it as home.... but a different kind of home than my former home. Being a new immigrant is difficult, to say the least. You leave your home, your career, your family, and your friends. Back home, when you needed something you knew where to find it. When you were sick you went to the doctor you knew. When something went wrong, you knew who to call. Here, you know nothing. Moving to a new country is like becoming a child again. You are dependent on your new spouse for everything. We are raw from the pain of leaving our homes and loved ones and we are unfamiliar with the territory and the rules. When you move to the US you no longer exist. Having to visit State and Federal Offices to establish our existence, and cart around original documentation and explain our situation to every official; and, typically, having to explain the rules to that very same official who has the ability to approve or deny the next stage in our progress, is stressful and exhausting. My husband went out of his way to find grocery stores where I could get the international ingredients I am used to so I could make the meals I am used to. He even drove me around to every hairdresser in the area and had me go in to speak with them to get prices and see how comfortable I felt with them. Sounds like silly things, but when you're lost and alone it helps to have someone on your side.

I think it's great that you have recognized the problem and are reaching out for help. I know it's got to be awfully hard. Trust me, my husband's got the battlescars too. But it sure goes a long way to have your spouse understand that it's not about whatever the issue-du-jour is. It's about loneliness and heartache and frustration. Don't try to fix things for her. Just listen and hug her and love her and tell her that you understand. I think that's the biggest healer of them all.

I love your post. I didn't ask the question but reading all this really helps. I have lived in the US for almost 6 months and I still feel that this is not my life. I know that is going to change when I start working and making friends, but it has being really hard to be patient and wait. My husband has being very patient with me and has giving me a lot of hugs and massages when I am frustrated and sad.

[Kish.2328 9]

My first year here I was frustrated and angry and lost and lonely. During the second year I finally got through the adjustment process and settled down. Now I love it here and think of it as home.... but a different kind of home than my former home. Being a new immigrant is difficult, to say the least. You leave your home, your career, your family, and your friends. Back home, when you needed something you knew where to find it. When you were sick you went to the doctor you knew. When something went wrong, you knew who to call. Here, you know nothing. Moving to a new country is like becoming a child again. You are dependent on your new spouse for everything. We are raw from the pain of leaving our homes and loved ones and we are unfamiliar with the territory and the rules. When you move to the US you no longer exist. Having to visit State and Federal Offices to establish our existence, and cart around original documentation and explain our situation to every official; and, typically, having to explain the rules to that very same official who has the ability to approve or deny the next stage in our progress, is stressful and exhausting. My husband went out of his way to find grocery stores where I could get the international ingredients I am used to so I could make the meals I am used to. He even drove me around to every hairdresser in the area and had me go in to speak with them to get prices and see how comfortable I felt with them. Sounds like silly things, but when you're lost and alone it helps to have someone on your side.

I think it's great that you have recognized the problem and are reaching out for help. I know it's got to be awfully hard. Trust me, my husband's got the battlescars too. But it sure goes a long way to have your spouse understand that it's not about whatever the issue-du-jour is. It's about loneliness and heartache and frustration. Don't try to fix things for her. Just listen and hug her and love her and tell her that you understand. I think that's the biggest healer of them all.

You posted what I wanted to let out.

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

Has anyone else gone through this? How did you cope?

Yep.

Tried to keep her busy looking for work, and found her a job after a couple months. Of course, that was before we found Visa Journey and were told that we were not supposed to do that.

[giving_up 3]

after almost 5 yrs of being stuck at home without a car, our 3 yr old is going to preschool and we had to get a second car so I could drop her off and pick her up. Since now I can get around, and I love shopping, I've gotten more into ebay and have a small store I love going to the mall and hunting for deals, plus I make a little money to help buy our daughter's clothes and "luxuries". I'm gonna start volunteering at her school as well.

[Messybrownhair 251]

Going back to school saved me. The first 6 months I was here I had no friends, no social life and I was always homesick and sad.. Then I went to school and now I have friends and something to keep me occupied. Our next goal is for me to have my own car. I already have my license but we are still saving up for it. It takes time, but also effort on her part to adjust, and on yours to be patient with her. Goodluck

[CristyH 0]

I went through that , you leave everyone and everything you have ever known....it is harder than you can imagine. In time I did get over it but once I had our child it came back and we moved back to Canada. I realize now that was a huge mistake and we are going back. I would say the most important thing is help her figure out how to meet people! She needs to have people to talk to or it will be so isolating. I get that you are frustrated but really try to think how you would cope if you went to her country and were in the same position.