How do you deal with ignorant people in your lives, in regards to your "unconventional" relationship?

[foobaz123 39]

The funny/sad thing is that just today I was asked how much she, the wife cost...

Then the person in question said that they've always wanted to order a bride from China..

Grrrr...

[Nicoco 26]

lol.. I didn't know you used to have stupid friends

The funny part is that THEY are international students. *facepalm*

[ndu26 114]

you do not need your coworkers approval . They will talk( if they dont, it means you are NON EXISTENT). so let them. concentrate on building ur relationship until you guys are together and who knows maybe one day one of them will witness you guys 'flesh and blood"

Edited December 11, 2011 by ndu26

[JimVaPhuong 4,863]

The funny/sad thing is that just today I was asked how much she, the wife cost...

Then the person in question said that they've always wanted to order a bride from China..

Grrrr...

Tell him how to make out the check. After you've deposited it and it's cleared the bank you can email him the URL for a few "cupid" websites.

[Sapphire Moon 25]

We've all dealt with overly nosy people in our lives before whether it be friends, acquaintances or people we work with. Not matter how secretive you try to keep your personal life, some things will eventually get out in the open.

In regards to our foreign spouses/fiances, how do you handle the typical shock and awe reaction you get from others who do not understand our relationships?

I'm sure we've all heard the classic, "Are you sure they're not marrying you for a green card?" or just the blank awkward stare which seems to say "Why in the world would anyone purposely deal with this type of relationship?"I've also got the "There are so many nice American men. Why haven't you tried dating them?"

Most of the time I ignore them but it becomes difficult in my workplace sometimes. We have such a small staff that if I so much as remove an item from my desk someone will notice. I think my co-workers are starting to realize how committed I am to K. The only thing they don't understand is why he can't visit me here. When I try to explain how hard it is for a young Indian guy just starting out on his own with no strong ties to his country to get approved for a tourist visa, well then the blank stares start again Any more I try not to let it get to me, I kind of just accept that anyone who has not personally undergone this process can not empathize.

What are some ways everyone else deals with the nosy, ignorant people in their lives?

I wish I had $100. for everytime I was asked the questions above in bold!

Just know you are not alone. I also get tired of people asking me "Anymore news?" as if my fiance petition/process will be handled overnight

I am just thankful for the VJ family here, at least there are umpteenth fellow VJers in the same shoes as me!!

[Austramerican 83]

Everyone I know is totally cool with it o.o I never really thought about people being discouraging about it.

But one thing you could say is, I can't find a nice American man to marry, because the one for me, the absolute love of my life, the man whom I have waited for my whole life, just HAPPENS to have been born in another country I don't know about anyone else but I most certainly was not looking for ANYONE when he came along, and even though I had known him as a friend online for a really long time I never thought of him that way, but when I really got to know him, I guess I just never saw it because I hadn't grown as a person enough before. But there he was, all along, and its not our fault that he was born 10,000 miles away, but we just see it as God testing how badly we want it. And of course we rise to the challenge!!

[Mountain Climber 186]

I've gotten the, "she probably only married you for the green card" statement from my son's in-laws. Funny thing is, they were both born in Mexico!!

[foobaz123 39]

I've gotten the, "she probably only married you for the green card" statement from my son's in-laws. Funny thing is, they were both born in Mexico!!

That's probably infinitely more common in cases like ours where the foreign spouse is from Not-Europe/Not-Australia/Not-FancyCountry. I doubt the lady a couple of posts above get such comments about her guy from Australia

The biggest ignorance thing I have to deal with is the utter lack of knowledge people have about how arduous this process is. How slow it is. How prone to failure and problems it is. Everyone expects that now that we're married she can just hop on a plane and come over.

"Yeah, she could. If she was from a VWP country. But she isn't. So she can't. Can't even set foot on the plane"

"What's VWP?"

*Long explanation about how the US government says all countries are equal, but some are more equal than others. About how most people in the world will never have a chance to even visit here, let alone live here. About how tourist visas are denied routinely and how often it isn't even worth the trouble to apply for them*

*Get blank looks and statements of disbelief*

"When will she be here?" <-- usually asked early in the process, back in June/July for me

"Early or Mid 2012. No sooner. Not one single day sooner. Assuming the people at the Consulate don't decide to reject us because the sky isn't the right color of blue that day."

"Why so long?"

*face palm*

Edited January 4, 2012 by foobaz123

[venusfire503 54]

Yeah, more than five years into this, and I'm still amazed at some of the things that have been said to me.

I've gotten the "why can't you just marry an American guy?" from a friend, and very happily answered "well, you see how that worked out for me the first time". Never mind that I wasn't looking for a relationship, and if I had, I probably wouldn't have purposely looked outside the country. Boy, am I happy it worked out this way, though!

Of course, it IS worse for some than for others. As someone mentioned, if your SO is from certain countries, the reactions are fewer. Marry someone who "looks different", is of a different religion, speaks a different language, and/or comes from a country that's (sorry, but it's true) less highly regarded, and you're in for more comments. And the comments are really unbelievable sometimes! I was told by one guy (I asked him some questions, since like the average American, I knew NOTHING about immigration before, and since he was from another country.....) that I "couldn't" bring my SO here because I had children. I asked him what he meant, and he said, "he's going to brainwash you into becoming a suicide bomber". Less annoying things that I was told was that he would steal my identity, steal my money, and of course the usual "he just wants a green card" or "he just wants citizenship" comments. People acted like I was completely crazy to get involved with someone from another country because they said I didn't know anything about him. I pointed out that when you meet someone here (in a bar, for example - not a far fetched scenario), there's no way to even know if you're given the real name. In the visa process, the poor beneficiary is subjected to medical exams and background checks. At least you are fairly sure you know he or she is giving you the right name and age, doesn't have diseases (at least not certain ones), and isn't already married! That shuts most people up. I also use the opportunity to inform them of the process, and brag about how incredible my husband really is! An example - he's rubbing my feet right now - I almost would've married him just for that (haha).

Oh - and it's really true that most people are seriously clueless about immigration. I know I used to be. I had someone tell me it was suspicious that he (at the time) didn't have a green card. I guess people think if you come here legally, you get a green card upon arrival. Most people don't know about visas. They don't understand that it's possible to come here legally and not be eligible for a green card (like my ESL students). And people don't realize you have to apply and wait if you ARE eligible.

Anyway, it can be difficult to deal with sometimes. Yeah, some people you can easily ignore, but... it can get to most people at least once in a while. Especially when it's a well-meaning friend or family member. I think that's the hardest thing. For strangers, you can ignore it. For people you don't care much about, it's not really a big deal. It's those people who think they know better than you and who honestly are concerned that you won't make it back from your SO's country alive (I had a family member who was convinced I would be met at the airport that first time by my SO and his friends, robbed, and left for dead in the ditch) that are the most challenging to deal with.

Sigh.

It was annoying, when I'd meet someone and mention my husband is from another country, and the person would have to tell me about someone they knew or had heard about who was scammed for a green card.

It does get easier, especially once they DO get their green cards. And then once they become citizens, people really don't have much to say.

I'm just mad. He's been a citizen almost 6 months, and no one has said anything to me in that time. I was HOPING to have someone I meet make the green card/citizenship comment so I can finally say, "well, he's been a citizen for a while now, so I guess that isn't why he married me". But, alas, it hasn't happened yet.

heeheee

venusfire

P.S. as annoying as it's been for me, I feel worse for my husband. It's bad enough being accused of being a poor clueless idiot (to put it nicely), but it must be worse to be the one who is accused of being the scammer!