How do you deal with ignorant people in your lives, in regards to your "unconventional" relationship?

[wee carrington 33]

Yeah, I've met some of those people who live in Bizarro World and have asked "Couldn't you find an American guy?". I was actually more embarrassed for them that they would ask such an ignorant question rather than offended they asked it.

Edited December 9, 2011 by Mrs GH

[foobaz123 39]

I'm not sure anyone else mentioned this particular brand of comment...

Being married to an Asian woman, doubly her being from China, has lead some people to say:

"So, you just wanted a nice submissive woman who would do what you say, huh?"

And occasionally the ever popular:

"So, American girls can't good enough for you?" with sometimes a bonus of "Can't handle independent American girls, huh?"

Thankfully, I've only had that sort of reaction from a small number of people. One in particular standing out.

Those I bother to respond to usually just shut up when I ask "You've never really meant someone from over there, have you?"

The biggest thing that people here just don't understand at all is why she isn't here yet. Almost everyone thinks that as soon as you get married she can just hop on a jet and come on over. The idea that we have to go through all of this and still have a non-trivial chance of being denied and her not get the visa in the end just blows their mind.

[Dumb/Dumber 61]

We've all dealt with overly nosy people in our lives before whether it be friends, acquaintances or people we work with. Not matter how secretive you try to keep your personal life, some things will eventually get out in the open.

In regards to our foreign spouses/fiances, how do you handle the typical shock and awe reaction you get from others who do not understand our relationships?

I'm sure we've all heard the classic, "Are you sure they're not marrying you for a green card?" or just the blank awkward stare which seems to say "Why in the world would anyone purposely deal with this type of relationship?"

I've also got the "There are so many nice American men. Why haven't you tried dating them?"

Most of the time I ignore them but it becomes difficult in my workplace sometimes. We have such a small staff that if I so much as remove an item from my desk someone will notice. I think my co-workers are starting to realize how committed I am to K. The only thing they don't understand is why he can't visit me here. When I try to explain how hard it is for a young Indian guy just starting out on his own with no strong ties to his country to get approved for a tourist visa, well then the blank stares start again Any more I try not to let it get to me, I kind of just accept that anyone who has not personally undergone this process can not empathize.

What are some ways everyone else deals with the nosy, ignorant people in their lives?

Since the very first day I had to tell anyone, it has changed my life. That was back in the Summer of 2010, and most of 2011 I have had to keep everything to myself because people are so ignorant. They say they are judging you because they love you. If they loved me, they would be there for me. Thank God for my husband and his family. I found out very quickly who really cared about me. It is getting closer to his interview date and I am getting braver again letting family and a few friends know he will be here soon (Lord willing). I can not wait until he gets here. He is the greatest man from the most amazing family. He is definitely worth everything we have gone through to date.

[brian_n_phuong 193]

I just rotate one of the following responses:

1. I have an Asian Fetish

2. Mail Order Brides are a bargain, avoided local sales taxes

3. It's part of a UN sanctioned population diversity project

4. I was messed up in "Nam', and this is part of my therapy

5. I needed a height compatible dance partner for my Salsa Class

6. Qualify for the "Vietnamese Only" discounts at the local Asian market

7. She was a 'Groupon" purchase

8. Andrew Zimmerman is coming over for dinner

9. Mother-in-Law 18,000 Miles Away !

10. Because I Love her (This one Rarely works)

Edited December 9, 2011 by Brian_N_Phuong

[wee carrington 33]

I just rotate one of the following responses:

1. I have an Asian Fetish

2. Mail Order Brides are a bargain, avoided local sales taxes

3. It's part of a UN sanctioned population diversity project

4. I was messed up in "Nam', and this is part of my therapy

5. I needed a height compatible dance partner for my Salsa Class

6. Qualify for the "Vietnamese Only" discounts at the local Asian market

7. She was a 'Groupon" purchase

8. Andrew Zimmerman is coming over for dinner

9. Mother-in-Law 18,000 Miles Away !

10. Because I Love her (This one Rarely works)

I know, you just have to mess with them don't you? I love it.

[Touch of Treble 39]

We've all dealt with overly nosy people in our lives before whether it be friends, acquaintances or people we work with. Not matter how secretive you try to keep your personal life, some things will eventually get out in the open.

In regards to our foreign spouses/fiances, how do you handle the typical shock and awe reaction you get from others who do not understand our relationships?

I'm sure we've all heard the classic, "Are you sure they're not marrying you for a green card?" or just the blank awkward stare which seems to say "Why in the world would anyone purposely deal with this type of relationship?"

I've also got the "There are so many nice American men. Why haven't you tried dating them?"

Most of the time I ignore them but it becomes difficult in my workplace sometimes. We have such a small staff that if I so much as remove an item from my desk someone will notice. I think my co-workers are starting to realize how committed I am to K. The only thing they don't understand is why he can't visit me here. When I try to explain how hard it is for a young Indian guy just starting out on his own with no strong ties to his country to get approved for a tourist visa, well then the blank stares start again Any more I try not to let it get to me, I kind of just accept that anyone who has not personally undergone this process can not empathize.

What are some ways everyone else deals with the nosy, ignorant people in their lives?

Great Topic, thanks and also thanks for all the responses. I am so used to people asking why I am doing what I am doing, that I am used to it. I've always done what I thought was right for me and my children, and now for my Love. People don't get it, but as long as they are not rude to me I am not rude to them. I don't talk about it much. My family (parents and sibs)has been the only really sad part, as they have refused to meet my fiance and I can't even talk about all this with them. But my kids are great! I just look forward to being home, married and happy. (and the 'family' isn't living in my new home anyway!)

[Caryh 5,206]

I didn't get too much negativity, and ignored what I did get. Interestingly the ones most likely to comment with caution or negativity where immigrants themselves. Now that she is here and we're married, what we get is many positive responses about how inspiring we are to everyone who is single. Our closeness, happiness, and fun we have together just kind of shines out. Even some who were reluctant to believe before are totally won over now. I'm not saying my wife and I haven't had issues now that she's here. We needed to blend our cultures, and us as individuals learning to live together has created some hurt feelings and discussions. We might have those for the rest of our lives, but we love each other enough to work those out. We've also learned communication skills and trust, beyond what locally paired couples need, that were basically forced on us because we were so far apart for so long. There are some actual advantages to the long distance relationship, as disadvantages.

I'd say ignore those negative comments. I'd state right out how I feel and believe and end it there. Such as "I know her too well to believe she'd do that, in fact she'd prefer I move there", which is true actually. To this day she'd prefer we move to her country. Spend your focus on your chosen partner and planning for your future together. When you are together, you can show them how wrong they were.

[AmyWrites 593]

Well initially I ignore them. However, if they keep it up, I try to get them out of my life. Your friends should respect not only your decisions but the fact that you're a an adult capable of making wise decisions... if they don't see that, they're not good friends.

[Scafidi454 22]

Ha ha. I wish I could say that to my Dad's girlfriend, but I'd be an ex-daughter then. As it is, I get to hear her tell everybody she knows how I don't like her very much because she says he won't be able to get a job once he's here and calls him an idiot in her drunken stupor (never having met him, mind you). Truly, people can be babbling freaks with apparently no lives of their own and it would be nice to be able to put some of them in a deep freeze.

Dad's girlfriend? F*** 'er!

It's easy for me to explain my relationship, since we met here in the US and were both not looking for a relationship or relocation.

[realizment 18]

Luckily enough most people in my life and my fiances are understanding, the people in my fiances life have mostly met me and know me well from when i did live there. But for the type of people you describe pay them no mind. Some people are just too closed off to the wide range of reality.

[GnBnL 50]

just smiiiile and nod!!! lol!

[fordchev 1]

like many here this process makes or breaks family ties. My sons are happy for me saying they just want me to be happy, daughter said she wished I was dead and hopes my fiance dies too (this is a 30 year old) They(the boys) are sad I'll be moving but I remind them they have a cool place to come and visit us.

Others who have said the cliche statement "why can't you find a nice man closer to you" Well my reply is "yeah like that's worked for me so far" I have been married 3 times.l

first is now a woman

second was found with the neighbors wife having sex in my hot tub and

the third is drinking himself to death.. literally...

And I finally found the male half of the same person to spend the rest of my life with. HE GETS ME and I GET HIM.. simple..

So long Canada

let it go and just be vague with answers it's none of their business......

Terri

have a great weekend

WOW we married the same men!!!

WOW we married the same men!!!

[at long last 58]

WOW we married the same men!!!

would love to hear your stories.. good for the soul to know we aren't alone.

Terri

[foobaz123 39]

A more serious answer from me may be to just show them a picture. Looks aren't everything, but my baby is made of Weapons Grade Cutetonium

[lizhebert 0]

Yup, yup, yup... I have gotten many of those responses 10x over! My least favorite is when someone says, "Oh, Arab/Lebanese men are known for being players/cheaters, right?" It's so awkward! Since when is fidelity country specific OR anyone else's business!?!