Does he want to have children?

[palmsgirl 5]

Youre six months into the relationship and you are fearful of having a grown up conversation???? This is a mighty important conversation and, lady, NOW is the time to have the baby talk-actually BEFORE you engaged in baby making activities...I mean you knew before you even entered intothis relationship that you had different wants so you made a poor decision when you pursued this man. At 38 it would seem you would have the maturity and wisdom and courage to address this issue with the nman you say you are in love with as opposed to your buddies. Grow up, initiate the conversation and part ways if you have differnt ideas. This is one of the deal breakers.

Most people I know do not discuss the idea of children in-depth before they have sex. If a man asked me if I wanted to have kids with him in particular before we had sex, I would walk the other way.

Let me be clear -- I told him I had chosen not to have children. He said he respected my choice. Neither of us expected this relationship to get as serious as it had -- I was looking for something more casual at the time. Life turned out differently and we fell in love.

I have been reassessing my decision to remain childless in the past couple of months. He appears to be dropping hints he wants to reopen the children conversation. He is not pressuring me, nor am I pressuring him. We need to have a conversation, and I accept that. I'm just wary due to my past with a former partner that hated to be put on the spot about such things. I know these two men are not the same, nor should I expect my boyfriend to respond similarly. I'm not fearful, just nervous -- I was asking the "hive mind" of VJ to see if the signals I seem to be reading are not completely off.

If he says he doesn't want to have kids, this is not a deal breaker. If he says he does want to have kids with me, this is not a deal breaker. What IS a deal breaker is if he says he wants to have kids... with someone else.

[AMP 54]

By the time you have read this someone got inseminated. Just go for It, have a child you will not regret it.

Edited December 7, 2011 by AMP

[blah x 3 2]

Most people I know do not discuss the idea of children in-depth before they have sex. If a man asked me if I wanted to have kids with him in particular before we had sex, I would walk the other way.

Soooo you would have sex with someone before you know him, conducting yourself is a manner that could quite possibly result in a child but you just wont talk about it upfront??? Madness! Surely you can see the absurdity of what you have written.

Let me be clear -- I told him I had chosen not to have children. He said he respected my choice. Neither of us expected this relationship to get as serious as it had -- I was looking for something more casual at the time. Life turned out differently and we fell in love.

I have been reassessing my decision to remain childless in the past couple of months. He appears to be dropping hints he wants to reopen the children conversation. He is not pressuring me, nor am I pressuring him. We need to have a conversation, and I accept that. I'm just wary due to my past with a former partner that hated to be put on the spot about such things. I know these two men are not the same, nor should I expect my boyfriend to respond similarly. I'm not fearful, just nervous -- I was asking the "hive mind" of VJ to see if the signals I seem to be reading are not completely off.

ADDRESS THIS DIRECTLY WITH HIM! Stop being a coward, youre afraid of his answer. It seems you have reassessed and concluded exactly as you did before, you dont want children. The "hive mind" doesnt know this man...

If he says he doesn't want to have kids, this is not a deal breaker. If he says he does want to have kids with me, this is not a deal breaker. What IS a deal breaker is if he says he wants to have kids... with someone else.

IT IS DEAL BREAKER IF HE WANTS KIDS AND YOU DO NOT and you are being foolish to think otherwise. It seems abundantly clear that the reason you are addressing this subject with VJ and your pals is that you are afraid his answer is different than yours. Youre not just nervous, youre a coward...

I really dont want to come off as being judgemental, however I will risk that impression if there is the slightest chance that you open your eyes and see that you have way greater issues than have a baby/dont have a baby. Reassess your ENTIRE relationship with this man not just this topic. If you articulated your situation well, and it seems you are quite capable of expressing yourself, I can assure you that you are facing a long road that will end in divorce.

Sigh...

[Justine+David 218]

I talked to my boyfriend (then fiance, now hubby) about babies on our very first date. Granted, he knew me pretty well as we'd been friends before, but yep, I did (full disclosure being that I'm a NICU nurse, which means my job is taking care of sick and premature infants, so...yeah, I like babies). He wasn't overwhelmingly excited about the prospect (being 22 at the time and I 23), but he knew that it was a deal breaker for me and he wasn't against the idea...now that we're 25 and 26 respectively, we'll probably wait a few more years to have kids to finish paying off our student loans and go on a few holidays around the world.

It really just depends on the person and the person you need to ask is him. At your age with such a decline in fertility, if you really want kids, it's got to be a nowish or never. You could always test your fertility with baseline labs, but they don't always tell the whole picture.

Best of luck! Welcome to VJ

[issha2lynden 77]

Wow we have few similarities! I am also now 38, we are both in late 30's,and we used to have this baby issue. When we met, I remembered him conveyed the subtle way he is not into it and said " but I know it's natural that most women wants to have kids". I wanted to have at least one and was so excited, you know he is sooo good looking and I've seen half breed Fil-Am children and man they just look uniquely beautiful.During honeymoon I told him what if I get prego? and he was like uhhhh (there was discomfort I noticed but I ignored)if God's willing then we will accept. And then somewhere in the middle of this year while chatting he told me he decided not to have any children (I cried out)It was unfair I thought, He should have been honest since the start I told him or I wont even marry him and of course my words hurt him and so asked if now I want divorce.As adult we understand u don't marry for kids, u marry because you love your partner and convinced God made us for each other I was just so devastated. First time we had this fight and felt not loved by him. With the strong christian values that I have, I know I am married now and I have to accept/convince my mind his brought up issues about having kids are all serious and true.

Later on with prayers I realized he has points;

1 Raising kids is such a huge responsibility

2 We are not in the ideal age. We don't like chasing kids at the age of 50 haha

3 Financially draining even for mid-class society

4 I have to personally take care my child and that would prevent me working (i like to be employed)

5 Lately I was diagnosed with nerve problem on my neck hurting my arm (don't think I can carry a baby)

6 etc

Now I am happily convinced there's just gonna be the two of us in this marriage until the end of our earthly lives.

Advice: Talk to him openly. Get a straight answer only then u would know. No one here can tell u what really his thinking.Me and hubby has no problem in communicating about anything. I praise God for that. I thank God I found the most loving, hardworking, God-fearing not to mention handsome man alive only I can't have even just one child. Oh well, we can't have everything.

God bless you

[J and S 38]

Well, there's only ONE way to know whether or not you're misreading him: Open conversation.

Open communication is key to any relationship. If you think you're chancing of "freaking him out" by bringing up the topic, how will that change in another 6 months?

It sounds like you are also having conflicting thoughts. At one point you didn't have any plan for kids, and now you can see the possibility in the future. That's a lot different from saying "I want kids. And that topic is a deal breaker." Maybe bring it up from that point of view.

... no amount of responses on here (from male or female) could give you a correct analysis of your boyfriend's comments/behavior/intentions. Only he can. So do as people have suggested, and talk to him about it instead of having us try and guess his motives. besides...we could all be wrong. lol

[Austramerican 83]

I would totes have that conversation before having sex, and have That convo happened a couple months after the "This can't be just a long distance relationship, if this is going anywhere you'll have to come here" convo we had when we were first starting to date online (I ended up visiting him there for our first meeting but then he got a 1 year visa to spend with me here ) Basically everyone has wants and needs for a relationship, and its unfair for both to not make sure both partners needs are met. I was a total dealbreaker for me if a guy I was dating said he never wanted kids, I've always wanted to be a mom, that was very important to me. And just because you love someone, if you aren't on the same page on the things that matter most, it's just not going to work out.

That is definitely one of those convos you HAVE to have before even THINKING about being serious enough to get engaged. Otherwise you are doing your man and yourself a disservice, consider his feelings too and not just your own, so yes, talk to him asap lol good luck!

[kokylolo 7]

Most people I know do not discuss the idea of children in-depth before they have sex. If a man asked me if I wanted to have kids with him in particular before we had sex, I would walk the other way.

Let me be clear -- I told him I had chosen not to have children. He said he respected my choice. Neither of us expected this relationship to get as serious as it had -- I was looking for something more casual at the time. Life turned out differently and we fell in love.

I have been reassessing my decision to remain childless in the past couple of months. He appears to be dropping hints he wants to reopen the children conversation. He is not pressuring me, nor am I pressuring him. We need to have a conversation, and I accept that. I'm just wary due to my past with a former partner that hated to be put on the spot about such things. I know these two men are not the same, nor should I expect my boyfriend to respond similarly. I'm not fearful, just nervous -- I was asking the "hive mind" of VJ to see if the signals I seem to be reading are not completely off.

If he says he doesn't want to have kids, this is not a deal breaker. If he says he does want to have kids with me, this is not a deal breaker. What IS a deal breaker is if he says he wants to have kids... with someone else.

In my personal experience, my husband and I talked about everything before we had sex. I mean everything from the number of kids (including the names) to a retirement plan...We did however also talk about the subject of kids after we discussed the possibility of marriage. This is not the time to hold back anything. Put your cards on the table. You already told him how you felt previously. Reopen the conversation and tell him whats going on inside of you. There is no reason to hold back.

Edited December 7, 2011 by kokylolo

[Olomi_811 130]

palmsgirl - this is an immigration website, with a focus on Do It YerSelf Immigration Stuff.

Baby-Stuff ain't Immigration Stuff - I'm not steering you AWAY from VJ, but you might want to find a 'Baby-Stuff'-focused web portal. IMO VJ ain't it - you'll get a lot of silly comments that prolly won't focus on yer exact situation.

Good Luck, however it works out.

PS - I like Asian Babies TOO !

I understand coming to VJ finding people with similar stories trying to find permanency with family, fiancé, or spouse. This post says alot about your insecurities. My only advice is seek a therapist. Edited December 7, 2011 by Olomi_811

[wee carrington 33]

I'm just wary due to my past with a former partner that hated to be put on the spot about such things.

Never mind about the ex, he's old news! From how you've described your boyfriend it seems like he's the kind of guy where you could just come out and ask him

[Udella&Wiz 325]

Never mind about the ex, he's old news! From how you've described your boyfriend it seems like he's the kind of guy where you could just come out and ask him

Sound advice - I was going to say the same thing. If there's one thing my now husband hates, it's being painted with the smae paintbrush as my ex. You can't react to your new love the way you did with your ex, they're just 2 different people (thank goodness,right?)

Are you possibly afraid to ask because you're afraid his answer is that he's changed his mind? You'll have to deal with it sometime either way.

This is a great opportunity to start a health habit of open dialogue when something is bothering one of you!

[Hank_ 9,174]

For sure... never paint your new man with a past man's paint brush.

As for the comments about him "joking" and making comments about kids, my first thought was he knows you told him you are not interested in having kids yet he is hoping to change your thinking with his chatter.

[zzzlpr 7]

First let me say that having kids is not for everyone, one must think long and hard and discuss this seriously with one's partner, with this out of the way.

No one that never had kids knows what it is until he/she has one, forget about nieces, nephews, friend's kids, etc.

It is not the same. Period.

Yes, life won't be the same after you have the little things running around, but the return is anything short than amazing.

BTW, this applies to any kid that calls you dad/mom, natural, adopted or step. How do I know? I have one of each and they are all the same.

Another myth I hear all the time: "I don't want to run after kids when I am 50"

How do you know? You never done it?!

I am one month short of 50 and coach soccer for my 15 years old and basketball for my 7 years old and wouldn't mind to change baby diapers in the near future.

IMHO, someone that went through life without having a kid ended up missing one of the greatest experiences a human being can have.

Regarding his comments. My money is in that he is afraid to talk with you and is waiting for signals that you might be open to the idea of having kids.

In short, talk with him and make clear either way.

This can become a major issue after you get married.

Edited December 7, 2011 by zzzlpr

[Hank_ 9,174]

How do you know- never done it?? Hardly any logic there ~

Never jumped off the Empire State building but I know I don't want to.

Most people have a pretty good handle on what they are like inwardly. Having kids "because you've never done it" is a dramatic way to learn ... your gut was correct... now you're stuck.

[wee carrington 33]

How do you know- never done it?? Hardly any logic there ~

Never jumped off the Empire State building but I know I don't want to.

Most people have a pretty good handle on what they are like inwardly. Having kids "because you've never done it" is a dramatic way to learn ... your gut was correct... now you're stuck.

I totally agree.