Does he want to have children?

[palmsgirl 5]

I wanted to ask a question of VJers. My boyfriend and I haven’t yet gotten engaged, but we have been together for six months now. We’re very much in love, and get to see each other a lot because we live in the same city at the moment because of our work situations. Because he’s from a relatively similar cultural background, and because we don’t have to worry about a long-distance relationship, we are very lucky not to have a lot of the obstacles many people on here seem to have, and I’m grateful for that!

We’re both in our late 30s, and I’ve been married before, though he hasn’t. When we met, I mentioned that I had no plans to have children, not because I didn’t like kids, but because I just couldn’t see myself as a mother. We never really discussed it after the first month and I thought it was a settled issue. However, recently he’s been making a lot of comments that seem to suggest he wants to have children with me. For example, we were at a store the other weekend, and there was a display of rag dolls of different ethnicities. He picked up the Asian one and joked, “If you have a baby, it better look like this and not like this [picking up the white doll] or there’ll be some explaining to do!” In an, uh, intimate moment he asked me if he got me pregnant, would I have the baby that might result from our activities. (Yeah, that kind of ended the “intimate moment! ) When I complained of cramps during my last period, he joked, “Your body is getting rid of our baby!”

And on and on, almost always in a joking way. Occasionally, like when we were shopping at TJ Maxx this weekend, he’ll grab my hand and give me a kiss when I comment on how cute a baby is and get all mushy. It’s very sweet, and so is he. I think he’s just about the most wonderful man I’ve ever been involved with – a wonderful combination of strength, integrity, responsibility, kookiness and tenderheartedness, with amazing musical talent and a kickass motorcycle – and I’m starting to think that maybe I *could* have a baby after all, if it were with him. Kids love him, and he’s stated in the past he thought he’d be a good dad. (And I completely agree.)

However, since we’re still in early days in this relationship, I don’t want to scare him by bringing up the whole kids thing if I’m totally reading this wrong. One thing I learned from being out on the dating scene after my marriage broke down is that it’s very easy to read men incorrectly! I want to know – especially from men – whether people think I’m misreading things, or if this guy seems like he really does want to have kids. If that’s the case, since I’m 38, my window of opportunity is not so big anymore, and there are a LOT of things I would need to reconsider in my life. On the other hand, if I get this wrong, I chance totally freaking him out.

I’ve asked a couple of my male friends and they think I should just go ahead and ask, since my relationship is stable, committed and loving, and since he and I seem like we’re going to be in this for the long haul, it would be good to clarify things now. But I’m terrified to mess things up with someone as amazing as this. Any advice would be appreciated!

[Dan & Jenni 457]

no one can tell you whether you are reading it correctly or not... only your boyfriend can do that. talk to him... us guys appreciate straight talkin women. it could be that he would like a child with you but not having one wouldnt be a deal breaker to him... he could just be jokin around...

only he can answer your questions

Edited December 6, 2011 by Dan & Jenni

[dukeandduchess 141]

You'll have to ask your boyfriend, not the members of this board.

If you feel weird or uncomfortable about asking him directly if he wants kids you're probably not ready to get married or have kids.

Edited December 6, 2011 by dukeandduchess

[Brit Abroad 166]

Most men who don't want children are easily read. They look away in discomfort, mutter, give you a blank stare or roll their eyes and/or grimace when you start talking "babies".

If your man is behaving like this on every occasion you go to baby displays or run into families with small children, I'd hazard a guess that he's probably interested in having them with you, and is using the opportunity to open you up. To discuss having a baby during sex is a strange time for a man disinterested in having children to raise the subject.

Time to bite the bullet, sit him down and ask him what his views on having children are and see if you can come to a mutual decision on it. Having a baby to please your partner is not the best way for a child to start life. It's a lot of hard work, expense and a lifetime commitment to that new person you created, and you need to be 100% happy that it's what you BOTH want.

[baron555 934]

just go ahead and ask,

Uh, yes......a marriage and lasting relationship is more than just love and jumping in the sack. It takes work and part of that is talking to each other.....even about uncomfortable subjects. You both NEED to talk.

since my relationship is stable, committed and loving, and since he and I seem like we’re going to be in this for the long haul,

Relationships take work. This is part of it.

it would be good to clarify things now. But I’m terrified to mess things up

If you relationship is stable and strong, then this shouldn't be an issue. You both need to have a verbal agreement with each other that either can bring up subjects and you two will vet out the mutual decision, which would be made for the good of the relationship (and compromising may be required) and then you need to agree with each other that neither will use that against the other or bring it up again in a hurtful manner.

You also NEED to agree, and then practice, that nothing (meaning what we are talking about here) ever will be allowed to be brought into the bedroom. It is very important.

Edited December 6, 2011 by baron555

[Girl from Celebes 588]

I read somewhere, it is not easy to guess what is man's mind. I kind of relate to your story. But here this thing, if he keep mentioned about babies, there is a possibility that he wants a baby from you. I think it is cute. I usually heard otherwise story, women keep bring baby's story up and make men runaway. You are just need to talk openly the issue because -again based on my reading- men can't read what's inside women's mind unless they willing to talk about. When you say," oh it is okay," literally they would think it is a real answer. Most men never know that if women say," oh, all is fine," it would or could be does have meaning something else. - Sorry, too much reading YourTango and Cosmopolitan websites, -.

Edited December 6, 2011 by Girl from Celebes

[stefan y karen 23]

I suspect you are reading his signals correctly. You also mention it is something you need to think about too, so I would ask him SOON to confirm your suspicions befor you get too far down the path of reconsidering the issue yourself. It would be bad if you spent the soul searching, reconsidered and decided 'yes' if in reality he wasn't thinking about it at all. That would be a bad place to be. So go ahead and ask. Men do like straightforward women. God bless!

[at long last 58]

Any of us can GUESS what your man is thinking. Only he can TELL you what he is thinking. And a marriage and relationship must above all else be loving. caring and very open and HONEST. If it "messes" everything up it was not meant to be.

I can't stress enough about the open and honesty.

Good luck and just sit him down have a glass of wine and discuss the issues.

Terri

[Darnell 8,479]

palmsgirl - this is an immigration website, with a focus on Do It YerSelf Immigration Stuff.

Baby-Stuff ain't Immigration Stuff - I'm not steering you AWAY from VJ, but you might want to find a 'Baby-Stuff'-focused web portal. IMO VJ ain't it - you'll get a lot of silly comments that prolly won't focus on yer exact situation.

Good Luck, however it works out.

PS - I like Asian Babies TOO !

Edited December 6, 2011 by Darnell

[palmsgirl 5]

Thank you thank you thank you to everyone who's replied! (Even the ones telling me not to ask here... I love you too... )

I guess because my marriage ended so badly I am suffering from a bit of "once bitten twice shy" here. My ex-husband HATED to be asked about anything sensitive towards the end of our marriage, and it usually ended up in a lot of tears. So you'll appreciate that I am a little skittish about messing things up, even though these guys are NOT the same in any way. (The ex was a delicate and emotional and CRAZY person who needed handling with kid gloves at all times; my new man is a strong and independent person and I adore him for it.) I'm able to talk to him about everything, and I'm open and so is he about the things that we do that the other doesn't like (which are thankfully minor -- for him, it's my slight slobbishness; I hate that he always falls asleep when we're watching a movie. No biggies!). We both put a lot of stock in honesty with each other. We're too old for anything else.

My love feels so special and new and amazing that I sometimes treat it like it's fragile, when in fact it's pretty sturdy and can take some knocking. I guess I need a BIG glass of that wine and I'll talk it out with him. We seem to be on track to foreverville, and if kids are part of the equation, given my age, I need to know NOW so I can start making adjustments here and there.

If anyone's wondering why I'm asking here, it's just that I've been lurking on VJ for a while, and I thought I could get some independent advice here. And asking on a baby/parenting site would be a non-starter -- those places are mostly chicks who think having babies is a good idea, and I need to hear from dudes and non-parents!

[dukeandduchess 141]

The conversation doesn't need to be intense and dramatic.

Hey Bob, I wanted to ask you something.

Sure, what's up?

I've noticed you poke fun about babies a lot. Do you want children in the future?

Obviously the conversation is serious and will go in that direction. If it's not something he wants to discuss or is interested in he will let you know. It's simply incredibly hard to give someone relationship advice because everyone's relationship is different. Advice we give you may or may not work in your relationship. As others have said, you need to be open and honest. If you are considering marriage and children this conversation shouldn't be difficult for you to have. I understand you are apprehensive about bringing the subject up, but as others have said, if this kind of conversation scares him off I doubt you'd want to deal with any actual life crises with him anyway.

Good luck.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Children are wonderful. The BEST! My life would be very much more empty without 4 wonderful sons I would do anything for, along with my lovely wife. The youngest is 17 so we have pretty much run the gamut of experiences which are everything from pride to terror to anger to humility. Amazement comes along pretty often even when they are grown...and YOU as parents are going to have to discuss alot of things about the children from how much milk money to give them to which college they will go to...to even deciding what to do in a life threatening medical emergency. The doctors WILL ask YOU. Get it? Without question being a parent is the most serious business we will ever handle.

I suggest you begin the discussion by simply asking you boyfriend/fiancee/husband, whatever. Good way to break the ice in adult conversations because you are going to need a bunh of them. Tryng to read his body language is not a bad way to judge whether to give someone a kiss at the end of the date...but it stinks as a way to find out if they want children.

If you cannot ask this in a direct and frank manner for some reason, it is not time to have children.

Good luck!

Edited December 7, 2011 by Gary and Alla

[Rufus2012 175]

If you cannot ask this in a direct and frank manner for some reason, it is not time to have children.

Not quite. If you can't have a frank and direct discussion, it's not time to get married at all.

OP - just ask him.

[cartaverde 12]

The preference of whether to have, or maybe have, or not to have children is something that you definitely should discuss before getting committed (or married).

There is nothing wrong in wanting children, like there is nothing wrong in not wanting them. But it's wrong to assume the other half will change their mind (to think the way you do). It's not something a compromise would work if one loves children and the other does not want to have them in their life. To me his behavior seems a bit too much to be like someone who does like children and would want to have some of his own. But ask - there's also the chance he likes them but isn't particularly too keen in having any of his own. Babies should not be a compromise thing, they should be wanted. By both. And they should not be used for pushing other agendas such as forcing someone to marry, to get an immigration benefit, to get other financial benefits, or to "save the marriage".

On the same time, please make your view clear too.

The earlier the views are cleared in the relationship, the better. (Of course some people end up changing their mind in the next 20 years, but there's no reason to think that would only happen one way. Those who get children just never admit that the parenthood might not be the most essential part of their life). When I was first talking with my other half and I thought he might be a fun person to chat with or spend more time with, before rushing to any commitments, I figured it's better to clear the breed.. err, children issue first. He doesn't want them, and I don't want them either. Perfect - the same preferences, so time to get to know each other better. Yes, it probably feels very awkward to ask, but it has to be asked. It's probably the most awkward thing to ask in the relationship, but it can save a lot of pain (time, sadness, nerves, future pain).

[blah x 3 2]

Youre six months into the relationship and you are fearful of having a grown up conversation???? This is a mighty important conversation and, lady, NOW is the time to have the baby talk-actually BEFORE you engaged in baby making activities...I mean you knew before you even entered intothis relationship that you had different wants so you made a poor decision when you pursued this man. At 38 it would seem you would have the maturity and wisdom and courage to address this issue with the nman you say you are in love with as opposed to your buddies. Grow up, initiate the conversation and part ways if you have differnt ideas. This is one of the deal breakers.