Age difference of fiance to fiancee?

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Here's the thing for me.

When people make a statement that we (American men who married a woman from the Philippines) married for any reason other than love - it is judging. It's also very insulting.

I assume that every person on VJ, no matter which country they are from, marries for love. Yet, for some reason, it is acceptable to think less of my marriage?

If someone wants to know about my marriage, then ask. But don't tell me we married because I wanted a young wife and she wanted money. It is insulting and judgmental. To claim it isn't is not believable.

BJ, people have always married for various reasons, and the romantic notion of people marrying strictly out of love is a fairly modern one and to be quite frank, a fairy tale. That doesn't mean the love between the two spouses isn't real or that somehow the marriage is less legitimate. I brought this up earlier in the thread - ask yourself these questions:

1. Would you have ever considered marrying a woman who is 20 years or older than yourself?

2. What if she's over 20 years your senior, divorced and has kids?

3. What if she's also overweight and not attractive by modern standards?

Because if love truly is blind as you suggest, then we'd see a diverse crowd of Fil/Am couples here, but we don't. There is a disproportionate amount of older men married to younger women. Where are the older, divorced and overweight Filipinas with children finding younger, attractive husbands? I doubt you'll find any.

I don't think anyone needs to feel defensive about that reality. It is what it is and in the end, if both spouses are truly content, that's all that matters. But the issue of the age gaps gets brought up here often because people are curious why so many older men are marrying younger women. The reasons why have to do with economics, because with all things being equal, we wouldn't be seeing such a disproportionate amount of older men married to younger Filipinas.

Edited January 24, 2013 by Lincolns mullet

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Not to completely disagree but some of the more over the top comments were removed.

Since some people make judgments about nearly everything in life, it's no surprise that there are some judgments here. Yet still it's a head scratcher. Why would anyone care about who I love, marry or sleep with?

My unscientific conclusion is that when it comes to sex we are still a bit of a puritanical culture. If I tell someone that my best friend in life is a 20-something woman from the Philippines, no one has a problem. On the contrary; they probably compliment me on my open mindedness. If I tell someone that I am sleeping with a 20-something woman from the Philippines, the reactions are very different. Since sex is the only variable, I must assume that's what changes the view and sometimes adds judgment to the mix.

I had a funny conversation years ago with a gay friend. We were discussing attitudes towards homosexuality. While my views run toward the "everyone should love whomever they want" side of the issue, I had to admit that the few times I had imagined the homosexual act, there was a real "yuck factor." I would imagine that some people feel that yuck factor about an older man and a younger woman. Hell, when I was a teenager I didn't want to imagine that my parents were still having sex.

Truth be told I have little interest in imagining most people having sex with their partners:) Again, it's the yuck factor.

But as you say, it's the Internet where anyone can say anything they want with impunity. I expect in the real world fewer judgments will be expressed.

Dave, the reaction or curiosity over a 20-something woman from the Philippines marrying a man nearly twice her age is because people wonder if she had instead been born and raised in America, would she have even considered dating a man that much older? If you have a daughter, would you be so accepting of her running off to a different country to marry a man nearly twice her age? I think most sane fathers would be at least wondering why she would do that when there are other more age-compatible men.

Edited January 24, 2013 by Lincolns mullet

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

Dave, the reaction or curiosity over a 20-something woman from the Philippines marrying a man nearly twice her age is because people wonder if she had instead been born and raised in America, would she have even considered dating a man that much older? If you have a daughter, would you be so accepting of her running off to a different country to marry a man nearly twice her age? I think most sane fathers would be at least wondering why she would do that when there are other more age-compatible men.

I think my husband would probably chase him off with a shotgun, but you know how fathers are.

[actob99 156]

There is a disproportionate amount of older men married to younger women. Where are the older, divorced and overweight Filipinas with children finding younger, attractive husbands? I doubt you'll find any.

They are all taken, there is no divorce in the Philippines...

[B_J 2,752]

BJ, people have always married for various reasons, and the romantic notion of people marrying strictly out of love is a fairly modern one and to be quite frank, a fairy tale. That doesn't mean the love between the two spouses isn't real or that somehow the marriage is less legitimate. I brought this up earlier in the thread - ask yourself these questions:

1. Would you have ever considered marrying a woman who is 20 years or older than yourself?

2. What if she's over 20 years your senior, divorced and has kids?

3. What if she's also overweight and not attractive by modern standards?

Because if love truly is blind as you suggest, then we'd see a diverse crowd of Fil/Am couples here, but we don't. There is a disproportionate amount of older men married to younger women. Where are the older, divorced and overweight Filipinas with children finding younger, attractive husbands? I doubt you'll find any.

I don't think anyone needs to feel defensive about that reality. It is what it is and in the end, if both spouses are truly content, that's all that matters. But the issue of the age gaps gets brought up here often because people are curious why so many older men are marrying younger women. The reasons why have to do with economics, because with all things being equal, we wouldn't be seeing such a disproportionate amount of older men married to younger Filipinas.

Excellent post.

What you said here is fine but earlier posts (not just yours) have been different; some going so far as to say there is no love in these relationships, it's simply a young girl getting with an old guy for money. That's what I disagree with. Nobody questions all the other factors that go into the relationship; but when posts state that it is only those factors and nothing else, definitely not love, then that's where there is a problem.

I distinctly remember the behavior of some Americans I saw when I was in the Philippines. To be honest, I saw some men who were just disgusting pigs. It was truly the case of "rich Americans" getting attractive young women simply because they had money. One of the things my wife, and her family, love about me is that I am nothing at all like those men. I know that if I had been anything like the other American men then I would never have been able to marry my wife. She would have moved on and found a better man; not a richer man but a better man.

By the way, just out of curiosity, what brought you and your wife together?

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Excellent post.

What you said here is fine but earlier posts (not just yours) have been different; some going so far as to say there is no love in these relationships, it's simply a young girl getting with an old guy for money. That's what I disagree with. Nobody questions all the other factors that go into the relationship; but when posts state that it is only those factors and nothing else, definitely not love, then that's where there is a problem.

I distinctly remember the behavior of some Americans I saw when I was in the Philippines. To be honest, I saw some men who were just disgusting pigs. It was truly the case of "rich Americans" getting attractive young women simply because they had money. One of the things my wife, and her family, love about me is that I am nothing at all like those men. I know that if I had been anything like the other American men then I would never have been able to marry my wife. She would have moved on and found a better man; not a richer man but a better man.

By the way, just out of curiosity, what brought you and your wife together?

Thanks, BJ.

Who knows - I'm sure there are some Fil/Am marriages out of convenience like other marriages, but that doesn't address the high number of older men marrying younger women, and saying that economics plays a factor in these courtships doesn't mean she's only in it for his money or green card. What it does show is a consistency among the Filipino people to look elsewhere for economic opportunity, which is why there are so many of them working abroad - because the opportunities are so slim back home. I find no fault in trying to improve ones economic conditions provided that the person isn't so desperate that they see no other alternative.

My wife and I were introduced to each other through mutual friends (first saw her on YM video cam) and then months later saw her profile on Friendster (before MySpace and Facebook). I sent her a message and then we began chatting online. I imagine a lot of international relationships start out this way. Do I think her economic conditions effected her decision making? Perhaps to some degree. She was living comfortably in a home that her older sisters had built for the family, was a dentist and owned her own clinic, but hadn't yet been successful in getting her career off the ground. She had a 4 year old son at the time and I was divorced and raising children on my own at the time.

[Sandra G. 5,038]

If my daughter 21,22 or 23 years old tells me that she wants to get married and the guy is 50,55,60 years old...No way,no how I would aprove this kind of relationship.If the woman is in her 35,40 I am ok with that but 20,22,23? Yep...love...bs

[actob99 156]

If my daughter 21,22 or 23 years old tells me that she wants to get married and the guy is 50,55,60 years old...No way,no how I would aprove this kind of relationship.If the woman is in her 35,40 I am ok with that but 20,22,23? Yep...love...bs

It's not your choice by the way!! Unless you're one of those controlling people, sounds like it..

Doubt any 50,55,60 year old men would want a relationship with your AMERICAN daughter!!

[Krikit 1,163]

Who is up in arms? This is actually a pretty good discussion. Typically these topics end very quickly with 10 thread bans...

I think you have to have tough skin to be married to a filipina. My wife is the sweetest person I have met, but on the other hand she doesn't hold anything back and says it like it is.. If you're walking down the street in the PI and you're old and fat, you will be called just that. The difference is it isn't said to be mean. That's one difference between the two society's, just like the view of age difference.

So to those who are firing insulting remarks just because they can on a website, we can take it! You can't get to me and I'm always smiling!!!

You can disagree without an insulting remark.

People are generalizing a whole culture of filipina women in SOME of the insulting statements being made. We have filipina's that are our wives, our family.... Of course we are going to defend them. How would it be if we were in a different forum bashing someones mom or 16 year old daughter? How would these comments be different if they were being told to my face in an educated discussion??

I agree, as I stated in a couple posts ago this is"actually a good discission"'.. I'm smiling here brotha, i have no issues.

It's not your choice by the way!! Unless you're one of those controlling people, sounds like it..

Doubt any 50,55,60 year old men would want a relationship with your AMERICAN daughter!!

[Nasturtium 500]

Yep! The true feelings are revealed.

ETA: Or should that be the TRUE feelings?

Edited January 24, 2013 by julianna

[actob99 156]

Haha, it's about time.... I think we are far overdo for this thread to be closed!!

[actob99 156]

Yep! The true feelings are revealed.

ETA: Or should that be the TRUE feelings?

And those would be??????

[elmcitymaven 9,712]

And those would be??????

Uh, that you think young American women as a class are not desirable?

Edited January 24, 2013 by the maven

[Nasturtium 500]

And those would be??????

That you dislike American women simply because of their place of birth (since American women come from several racial and ethnic backgrounds, this decision would obviously have to be about location and/or culture)? You have a stereotype to which you stick, regardless of reality? You are prejudiced against American women? I mean you just dismissed some person's child (real or hypothetical) not based on anything other than citizenship.

[Dan and Judy 614]

Hell, when I was a teenager I didn't want to imagine that my parents were still having sex.

Perfectly normal that you didn't start fantasizing about that until you hit your 20's