Age difference of fiance to fiancee?

[Dan and Judy 614]

I assume that every person on VJ, no matter which country they are from, marries for love. Yet, for some reason, it is acceptable to think less of my marriage?

Since you are making false assumptions, as smart as you are, it is only logical that others would also.

[Krikit 1,164]

Here's the thing for me.

When people make a statement that we (American men who married a woman from the Philippines) married for any reason other than love - it is judging. It's also very insulting.

I think I missed the part where someone did that.

I assume that every person on VJ, no matter which country they are from, marries for love. Yet, for some reason, it is acceptable to think less of my marriage?

You are wrong. There are numerous people on VJ who haven't married for love. The fact that you think that shows that you come from a westernized background.

If someone wants to know about my marriage, then ask. But don't tell me we married because I wanted a young wife and she wanted money. It is insulting and judgmental. To claim it isn't is not believable.

I missed the part where this happened also.

[actob99 156]

I honestly don't get what people are up in arms about. In fact, I just went back a number of pages to try to find it.

Who is up in arms? This is actually a pretty good discussion. Typically these topics end very quickly with 10 thread bans...

I think you have to have tough skin to be married to a filipina. My wife is the sweetest person I have met, but on the other hand she doesn't hold anything back and says it like it is.. If you're walking down the street in the PI and you're old and fat, you will be called just that. The difference is it isn't said to be mean. That's one difference between the two society's, just like the view of age difference.

So to those who are firing insulting remarks just because they can on a website, we can take it! You can't get to me and I'm always smiling!!!

[Krikit 1,164]

Who is up in arms? This is actually a pretty good discussion. Typically these topics end very quickly with 10 thread bans...

*points a few posts up* ^^

[B_J 2,752]

I think I missed the part where someone did that.

It's a long thread that's been moderated a few times, plus there's a limit on the number of quotes I'm allowed, but here's a few of the negative comments concerning Fil/Am relationships.

BTW, I assume people marry for love not because of my westernized background; but rather because I'm polite.

In my humble opinion, when a 50yo guy and a 20yo girl say they found "true love" I don't think so.

but I wouldn't call it "real love"

Past a certain age for a guy and your just a perv lol i dont care how offended one might be by this statement, the other way around on the womans side i would say most the time they are looking for a way out of a poor country.

It's an act of desperation for both parties. It's nice when it works out the way both expected, pure disaster when it doesn't.

My personal observation is that old (divorced) American men, who cannot find women in the States, go after young filipinas who need to get a US visa. The women "love" the men (who are old enough to be their dads), but both parties are basically using each other. The man uses the woman for sex and a for a loyal wife, and the filipina uses the man to get into the US and support her family back home.

It comes down to economics - these young women are looking for opportunity and financial stability that is harder to achieve in their country. That gives the American men the upperhand in picking what they want - young, pretty, petite.

Yeah, you're right. Nothing insulting in any of these. Nobody claims the men are just looking for a young girl. Nobody says the girl is looking for money. Everybody agrees it's love.

[Nasturtium 500]

It's a long thread that's been moderated a few times, plus there's a limit on the number of quotes I'm allowed, but here's a few of the negative comments concerning Fil/Am relationships.

BTW, I assume people marry for love not because of my westernized background; but rather because I'm polite.

Yeah, you're right. Nothing insulting in any of these. Nobody claims the men are just looking for a young girl. Nobody says the girl is looking for money. Everybody agrees it's love.

Sooo unless someone agrees with the idea it's love, then they are insulting and judging, right?

[Hank_ 9,174]

B_J .... had to give you a + as I do agree.

Plus a big part of the interview process at the embassy is to weed out the "fraud", you know... those marrying for a GC or anything other than love. I guess some feel the embassy is totally failing at their task.

Edited January 23, 2013 by Hank_

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

It's a long thread that's been moderated a few times, plus there's a limit on the number of quotes I'm allowed, but here's a few of the negative comments concerning Fil/Am relationships.

BTW, I assume people marry for love not because of my westernized background; but rather because I'm polite.

Yeah, you're right. Nothing insulting in any of these. Nobody claims the men are just looking for a young girl. Nobody says the girl is looking for money. Everybody agrees it's love.

Then you are naive. Yes my husband and I love each other, but we each fulfill something the person couldn't get in their own country. I'm a traditional stay at home mom who is happy to be a brood mare (a very uncommon thing in a country where SAHM are called lazy and abused) and he is a handy, tall, non-monotheist, hard working guy who had no problem being a step dad and getting married within a year of meeting.

Could I have found someone like him in America? No.

Could he have found someone like me in Denmark? No.

People are just pointing out that there are things beyond love which motivate marriages, but I think that is plainly obvious.

[actob99 156]

Sooo unless someone agrees with the idea it's love, then they are insulting and judging, right?

You can disagree without an insulting remark.

[Nasturtium 500]

While I agree with some of your assertions, your conclusions don't add up. Women (not just poor, not just Filipina) are hardwired to create protective environments for themselves and their children. No woman in her right mind thinks "I want to find an unemployed bum on skid row to marry." The look for viable men; men who can take care of them. Partly that involves economics. Our mothers did this, our grandmothers did. This did not make them gold diggers. It made them mature women interested in protecting themselves and future generations. So yes - money is important; it has a place in marriage.

Ok, not debating that usually women are not saying to themselves, "I wish to find a drug user and whatever," but I must argue with the idea women are "hardwired" to do this. Where is your evidence? This idea contradicts a lot of scholarship. Your following evidence is culturally and anecdotally based.

[Nasturtium 500]

You can disagree without an insulting remark.

You can, but why is this quote, for example, insulting:

It comes down to economics - these young women are looking for opportunity and financial stability that is harder to achieve in their country. That gives the American men the upperhand in picking what they want - young, pretty, petite.

It covers economic realities and then discusses how this allows American men to choose traits in a spouse which are culturally desired. It is also general. The quote says "this allows X to happen." It doesn't say "ZOMG every older dude with a young girl is a skeevy ephebophilic pervvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv!!!1!!!!one!!!!!!!!!!!1!"

Generalities or statements that don't apply to me are generally ignored. It may be something that you should consider. Saves time.

[Hank_ 9,174]

yup everyone has "needs" and "desires" they wanted filled as they seek out another person as their mate, but love is the deciding factor as to who that person is, otherwise when they jumped on those dating sites, or met someone new, the first person to respond would "do" and they would not search for that "perfect person" that stirs the soul. And I am quite sure there are those that do just grab someone, but I honestly don't believe it is the norm.

Finding a compatible person is an adventure all its own, how many "points" on your list are necessary, how many are just wishing... thus the adventure.

[actob99 156]

You can, but why is this quote, for example, insulting:

It covers economic realities and then discusses how this allows American men to choose traits in a spouse which are culturally desired. It is also general. The quote says

"this allows X to happen." It doesn't say "ZOMG every older dude with a young girl is a skeevy ephebophilic pervvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv!!!1!!!!one!!!!!!!!!!!1!"

Generalities or statements that don't apply to me are generally ignored. It may be something that you should consider. Saves time.

You picked the least insulting comment, I agree that can be not insulting in the right context. To say this happens all over the world and not specifically" a filipina", as many have included, would be a non insulting comment.

People are generalizing a whole culture of filipina women in SOME of the insulting statements being made. We have filipina's that are our wives, our family.... Of course we are going to defend them. How would it be if we were in a different forum bashing someones mom or 16 year old daughter? How would these comments be different if they were being told to my face in an educated discussion??

[Nasturtium 500]

It's a long thread that's been moderated a few times, plus there's a limit on the number of quotes I'm allowed, but here's a few of the negative comments concerning Fil/Am relationships.

Also, ummm, you realize the majority of your quotes are from 2011?

[Nasturtium 500]

You picked the least insulting comment, I agree that can be not insulting in the right context. To say this happens all over the world and not specifically" a filipina", as many have included, would be a non insulting comment.

People are generalizing a whole culture of filipina women in SOME of the insulting statements being made. We have filipina's that are our wives, our family.... Of course we are going to defend them. How would it be if we were in a different forum bashing someones mom or 16 year old daughter? How would these comments be different if they were being told to my face in an educated discussion??

This just isn't that insulting of a thread, IMO. And people do go into other forums and talk about all kinds of stuff. If you notice, wayyyy back in the thread, the majority of age-related threads at that time were in MENA. This is the internet. An internet forum. It's not something happening IRL to you. It's not worth being super upset about. There are more important things in the world than the opinions of others on some internet immigration forum.