Age difference of fiance to fiancee?

[Artisan 138]

Thanks for sharing that but the issue behind the age gap of these marriages is that the American men have the upperhand. He typically has many eager Filipinas to choose from as many of then will say up front they are looking for an American husband. So it's natural to pick one that is young, pretty and petite. Its like hitting the jackpot - a plethora of young,eager women who can't wait to be married to a man much older.

My personal issue with this line of thinking is that you are confining the discussion to Filipinas specifically (and perhaps Southeast Asians in general). The issue is endemic worldwide. Upwards social movement is easiest when done through marriage for everyone, regardless of nationality or ethnicity. It is not gender specific either. Look at the large number of older white women that marry young Nigerian men for example. It is not only perceived wealth though but also a difference in cultural expectations of a spouse. Ask your average single college-educated, 25 year old woman in the US what marriage and family means to her and ask the same of a single, college-educated, 25 year old Filipina and compare the answers. That may give much more of an indication why American men seek out relationships overseas.

However I think you have a flawed assumption. American men are not the best when it comes to financial stability (that would be Northern European and Japanese men) and the major advantage we hold over those that have better financial situations is that English is native for us and Filipino culture is heavily influenced by the US. Culture and language are major hurdles for the women of the Philippines to overcome when marrying a foreigner but are avoided without too much trouble by marrying an American.

[Hank_ 9,174]

[B_J 2,752]

And what is the issue again?

The issue is that it makes some people unhappy to see some of us so happy.

[actob99 156]

The issue is that it makes some people unhappy to see some of us so happy.

Ohhhhhhh, good point. I forgot it was my job in life to make total strangers happy in their lives too.. These people can never reach the happiness I feel right now.

[B_J 2,752]

These people can never reach the happiness I feel right now.

And that's what bothers them so much.

[actob99 156]

Good point Artisan.. Some women just want stability, love, respect and being faithful to them. These characteristics with a simple life is all the two of us want. Pretty easy....

And that's what bothers them so much.

Definitely....

[B_J 2,752]

Out of this entire thread, this is my favorite part. I guess it's typical of what people think

There's really no need to feel defensive about anyone's relationship here...People are just curious why there's such a high number of older men with younger Filipina wives. The men here are choosing younger wives because they can. The younger women are open to marrying men much older than they are because economic opportunities are more important to them than age compatibility.

The reason some of us feel defensive is because people are questioning the relationships we have. The underlined part is the key. If people were truly "just curious" about the age difference, then they could just ask. If someone were to politely ask me a question about my relationship, I have no problem giving an answer.

However, the sentences following the underlined part in the quote show that there is no curiosity because they go ahead and tell you the answer! The men are just after young wives and the women are marrying for money. There is no mention of love. No mention of sharing the same values. No mention of having similar personalities. No mention of anything except money and a young wife. And yet, "there's no need to feel defensive"

If I see two people happy in life, I don't try to find fault in them or their happiness. I really can't understand why it bothers somebody that my wife and I are happy together.

Oh well, I'll just have to continue being happy. I hope that doesn't upset anybody.

[Hank_ 9,174]

Nope... doesn't bother me that a couple is happy...

Happy for you!

[B_J 2,752]

Nope... doesn't bother me that a couple is happy...

Happy for you!

Well, I knew it wouldn't bother you. You're one of us happy people.

[davenjanet 22]

Well, I knew it wouldn't bother you. You're one of us happy people.

Ooo - can we join the happy people club?

[rlogan 2,036]

The issue is that it makes some people unhappy to see some of us so happy.

There is no better example of manipulative behavior than people attacking marriages.

Never allow them to put you on the defensive about something that they have no right to judge in the first place. Because once they put you on the defensive, they've already won their little manipulative game.

"My marriage is more valid than your marriage because ours was based on purity, whereas yours was defiled by the grotesque obscentity of wanting to improve your life."

"We, on the other hand, sacrificed ourselves upon a temple of altruism. To show humanity our selflessness, our giant intellect in marrying for the purpose of making ourselves worse off, thereby entering Heaven on a higher plane. You are surely going to Hell for your vile behvavior." This is the reducto ad absurdem version of what they are trying to imply.

And all of the denial about what they are doing - "Oh, I'm not judging you or trying to put you on the defensive... I'm just curious, and want you to justify to me, his most Royal Majesty The King, why you are getting married to this unqualified object."

As a lifelong hunter you see the same sorts of retarded manipulation: It's too easy using a high-powered rifle - you should have to do something just as hard as me - reaching into a grocery store shelf with the meat already wrapped in clean white packages. It's too easy choosing from the pool of eager women. A real man chooses women from the pool of arrogant 40 year old millionaires. That would show society you've met the challenge.

When you see a woman trying to shame you choosing one younger and more beautiful than her - get right in her face. You bet. What, you think I'm stupid? I should take someone like you with an attitude instead of one younger and more beautiful without one? I'm not a retard.

How about the old "you just want one that is submissive." It's all about taking the smile off your face. The instant you get defensive, they've exercised power over you. They can take any good thing and turn it into a bad thing with the magic of pejorative rhetoric.

Should you choose an abusive, mean spouse? No, that would be retarded. You should choose one that is giving. But all you have to do is put a negative connotation on that with the minimizer "just" and the pejorative "submissive". Learn to catch them in the act. The words "just" and "only" are manipulative minimizers. Watch good things being transformed into bad things by choosing pejorative words.

There's more than one way to deal with this kind of manipulative attack. One is to ignore it and take note that whoever is doing it should be avoided as a nasty person. Someone who will attack your marriage is a bad person that you should not associate with. Another is to put the spotlight on their behavior. Who elected you to the high position of marriage judge? Explain to us how it is your right to do so. They'll usually deny that is what they are doing or readily concede they don't have that right, and go straight back to demanding you justify your marriage. So keep on them. If you don't have that right then why are you still trying to exercise it? They are the ones who need to be justifying. But never take that smile off your face, because the more you smile the angrier they are going to be that it is not working.

My preferred policy is to get right in their face and relish what they want me to be defensive about. Yes, I absolutely do want to have sex with a 19 year old instead of a 50-something. That's why playboy centerfolds are 19 instead of 50-something. Deal with it. You don't even find them in their 30's. But they want you to get defensive about what is clearly the preference of men worldwide. You just won the Olympics and they want to say "all you wanted was a gold medal". Look at you and your trophy wife.

Well yeah as a matter of fact. Look at you and your old hag.

[actob99 156]

Ooo - can we join the happy people club?

Opo, Siempre...

[JoBri 548]

This what you said is the key... It is a game to some people to push buttons. Somehow they take pride in the ability to do that. It gives them some sort of false sense of superiority over others. And these kinds of people generally have sad lives, empty on the inside even though they may be successful outwardly, wealthy sometimes. There is an emptiness inside in the heart and soul, and they are angry and very jealous when others have what they want but cannot find in a million years simply because of who they are on the inside as well. There is no helping these kinds of people. So you just have to ignore them and deprive them of the little joy they are trying to get through pushing buttons. They are so miserable with their own emptiness in life in the things that matter most, and they dont want anyone else to have the most important things in life that they cant ever find.

There is no better example of manipulative behavior than people attacking marriages.

Never allow them to put you on the defensive about something that they have no right to judge in the first place. Because once they put you on the defensive, they've already won their little manipulative game.

Edited January 22, 2013 by Brijo

[Staashi 371]

Rlogan, I'm so delighted that you took one for the collective PI team. Thank you for falling on the sword and acknowledging that what you and most of the USC spouses really wanted from their PI spouses was a teenaged hardbody. You rock! I think many of us suspected this all along, however, having you confirm this for us now alleviates our suspicions. Congratulations to you and all USCs married to Filipinas for getting your wish to marry a gal with the body of a porn star.

[B_J 2,752]

Ooo - can we join the happy people club?

You look happy in your picture; so you're definitely in the club.